Favourite child?

[daisylawn]

Anyone willing to own up to having one - or being one?

TallulahI find it unbelievable how favouritism of boys gets passed on from generation to generation. Mothers who were as children made to feel second-rate then go on to favour their sons. Godwhy is that?

Thanks, everyone, who expressed sympathy about my dad's callous remark. My family are a bunch of nutters dressed up as educated, professional middle class people. It's not entirely accidental I'm an "expat."

Ghosty several of your posts have made me think your childhood was idyllic. I aspire to a family like the one you grew up with.

I agree with those who think the dynamic shifts favourably when you go from 2 to more than 2, but I've heard from parents with 3 and more kids that in fact the intensity is greater--just more kids being competitive.

Daisylawn, bet you didn't realise what a hornet's nest you'd stir by asking this question!

ExpatKat, I truly feel for you.

And as for me, I have to say I agree with Maryz - I have 3 children and love them all equally but for different reasons as they are each unique and they are all at different stages/ages and they need me to show my love in different ways.
I'm going to give each of them a big hug now.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Just seen this thread. Growing up I always felt we were pretty equal but when I got pregnant with my first, my mum suddenly started telling me stories about what a terrible baby I was. My older brother was an angel apparantly and everything was hunky dory and then I came along with colic and cried for 8 months and ruined her idyllic life. Once she was getting me out of the car and my brother strayed too far and she said I was a total inconvenience and she wanted to throw me away so she could run after him.

I was really, really upset when she told me all this - and more. But now I've got kids, although I don't quite see what she means, I no longer take it personally as I know the stresses and emotional strains you are under.

Actually, when big brother was older she used to try to get me to do things for him - get him his tea etc as he sat there with this feet up. But that's just good old fashioned sexist crap that did me a favour by making me assertive

This is interesting. I worried about favouritism when ds2 was born- especially becuase when I was teaching I quite clearly felt favouritism. Can honestly say I don't have a fvourite though. Ds1 is 4 and ds2 is now 17 months. However ds1 still relys on me far more than the average 4 year old. he's autistic and I am the one person who understands most of what he says. His nursery key worker and dh understand a lot, but I still get asked to interpret for them. No-one else understands anything he says at all, so all his dealing with the outside world is through me. It means that my relationship with him is very close, but I don't feel that he is the favourite.

I've been interested in the comments about the youngest needing more attention becuase for us its obviously not like that- ds1 does. However it'll be important for us that that isn't interpreted as favouritism by ds2 as he grows. I realised how dificult this could be yesterday. I was trying to teach ds1 what "on" and "under" was. I was also trying to get him to listen to 2 key words in a sentence. I had set up 2 chairs- one red and one blue, had given him a teddy and was saying things like "put the teddy on the blue chair" and was getting him to do it- first with a physical prompt- ie moving his hands for him, then just verbally. He was doing really well and seemed to have got the idea when ds2 stormed up and tried to do it. I told him to wait (tbh I got a bit annoyed as it has taken ages for ds1 to be successful with this)- and he looked really upset. Had to remind myslef he's 17 months and wanted to play. I let him have his turn. Of course this type of situation is going to increase over the years and I'll have to be careful it doesn't turn into perceived favourtism. One the other hand ds2 is much easier to have a game with and to play with and to generally interact with, although ds1 is easier to cuddle, and is more affectionate.

Swings and roundabouts. Can honestly say I feel no favouritism, but I can see how their different needs could be interpreted as favourtism as they grow older.

jimjams as you know my dd has special needs and I feel like I have to give her more time than ds. Infact the example you have given about the blue/red chair scenario could have been about my two. This certainly became a problem with dd's portage sessions as there came a point where there had to be two chairs at the table one for dd and one for ds. I worry about the extra attention for dd being perceived as favouritisim too.

On the other hand my only sister had cystic fibrosis so my parents obviously had to give her more attention than me. I never ever saw it as favouritism.

Know what you mean jimjams. I am in the same boat. At the moment ds and dd may as well be on different planets. The only thing they share is sometimes making silly noises at each other. dd will laugh at ds if he does something she thinks funny but I spend a lot of the time keeping them apart. For me it depends what we are doing and I can understand you getting frustrated if you are trying to teach your ds1 something. My ds likes jigsaws but I have to wait till dd is sleeping otherwise she'd just ruin them. So sometimes I feel irritated with her but other times it works the other way round and I can get really angry with ds if he pushes her. They both get lots of hugs though.

I am a twin with older sisters too and I have been told by my parents that I was favoured for awhile basically because I was 'easy'. My twin knows that I was the 'good' twin because she went off the rails but doesn't mind. Strange thing is that when we were really small I thought my parents preferred her because she got more attention, but she only got it because she asked for it. For awhile in my teenage years I felt that being good was boring and that she was much more rebellious which was attractive. However looking back she was obviously quite insecure (you can't win!).

I think favouritism can arise if a child fulfills the expectations of the parents. This may be a good thing but it can be good for a child to have their own agenda and sometimes they can drift away but may relate to their parents when they are much older.