How do you deal with this as it seems like you either punish an innocent child or let off one who has lied?

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Not sure what to do.

DD said DS1 got his willy out and did a wee in the garden. DS1 shouted that he did not. They have had several chances to tell the truth. Still do not know what it is.

We even reminded them of the other day when DS1 swore to me he wasn't lying, he shouted in my face he was telling the truth and then half an hour later admitted he had done what his sister said he had.

Similar situation now that he has shouted and she is crying but I can't assume it is the same result - him lying, her not.

I said when I went to bed I wanted to find a note telling me the truth. I thought that would be a good way of them feeling able to admit it.

(He has brought me a note saying - Mummy why won't you believe me. I never lie to get (his sister's name) into trouble. She always gets me in it.)

I know a lot of children lie but I would like to know the truth.

Oh totally TFM, I should have clarified: 9x out of 10 when they come telling tales if it's not something that needs to be really bothered about I do "I'll give you a few minutes to see if you can sort it out yourselves" and they run off and play and forget about whatever it was. I only used this for more serious things.

I think whether Glitter's method works will depend on how upset the children are. When mine went through a spate of accusing each other of misdemeanours, they were both very upset to start with and so they just got more and more entrenched: they were willing to hold out for days and got more and more stressed out to the point where they just couldn't climb down.

At the lowest point dd was biting herself and destroying her own books in order to blame ds, after she had been blamed (probably unjustly) for some of (probably) his misdemeanours (can't say I ever quite got to the bottom of every incident).

I got terribly upset about the lying and tried to push them to tell me the truth, and every incident went on and on until we just weren't having any fun any more.

So for us, in that situation, backing off was the right thing to do.

But I can see how Glitter's method, or the brilliant nose method (lol), might work in a less tense situation.

I think the moral of this is NEVER to act on anyone shopping anyone else unless (and this is one of our family chants) "someone is really hurt or really upset".

If the OP had said right at the beginning that this was not something she needed to know about then it wouldn't have escalated like this.

Hindsight is 20:20 vision!

Incidentally is it just me who thinks the tale telling is the most punishable bit of behaviour in the whole story? I hate lying, but I can see why someone would be driven to it if he has a little sister who runs to Mum with every misdemenour!

I can't bear children telling tales over things that don't harm someone else and are not directly upsetting them. Younger siblings quickly learn the power in telling on the minor misdemeanors of an older one. I wouldn't be setting children up to give evidence against each other. Fab, my advice would be next time tell DD not to tell tales, and deal direct with DS about the things that you have witnessed or have evidence for.

Nobody likes a sneak.

Oh, sorry, hadn't read Seeker's post when I posted.

I would add to seeker's chant "or valuable property is being destroyed"

but otherwise I agree

I agree with seeker (and others). If someone is badly hurt or badly upset, or there is an imminent danger of serious danger to life or limb or to valuable property then I want to know. Otherwise I do not want to know, will not act on information received and will give the teller a mild ticking off for telling tales. If tale telling became a pattern of behaviour it would probably escalate to a more serious telling off and/or repercussions.

BleachedWhale - hear hear!! i cant bear a sneak!! My ds1 has a friend who does this all the time. I used to fall for it and tell him off but now I tell her off for telling tales (unless of course it is something really major!!).. Doesn't help that she is a "sensitive" child and so cries over anything and my ds really isn't and just gets on with life!!