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Original poster

How do you deal with this as it seems like you either punish an innocent child or let off one who has lied?

58 replies

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 18:29

Not sure what to do.

DD said DS1 got his willy out and did a wee in the garden. DS1 shouted that he did not. They have had several chances to tell the truth. Still do not know what it is.

We even reminded them of the other day when DS1 swore to me he wasn't lying, he shouted in my face he was telling the truth and then half an hour later admitted he had done what his sister said he had.

Similar situation now that he has shouted and she is crying but I can't assume it is the same result - him lying, her not.

I said when I went to bed I wanted to find a note telling me the truth. I thought that would be a good way of them feeling able to admit it.

(He has brought me a note saying - Mummy why won't you believe me. I never lie to get (his sister's name) into trouble. She always gets me in it.)

I know a lot of children lie but I would like to know the truth.

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luciemule · 21/04/2010 19:03

Now I know he's 9, then it's slightly different. Had he been 4/5, it would have been different.
Had my two had done this, DS (5) would have owned up I think. DD (8) would have tried to lie but I would have asked if she was telling the truth and that I can tell when she's not telling the truth. Then she would own up. Children feel gulty when upsetting parents and you could say that you're very upset that the dishonest person won't tell the truth. I also say that I'd rather hear the truth than worry about a punishment (if it's not too bad) and then they own up.

HellBent · 21/04/2010 19:05

That is how it works in our house too seeker, unless there is blood!

DS stop winding up your sister it is not nice,

DD stop getting wound up so easily, if you didn't react he would stop doing it,

Play nicely and keep the noise down!

Original poster

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:10

I have spoken to them separately and said I won't get angry but telling the truth is better. I said if he had done it to not do it again and to dd, it is not nice to tell tales. I have given them until 7.30pm to come and tell me.

I then went to settle ds2 to find ds1 running back to his room having been to see what time it was and asked if he could talk to dd. I said no.

I used to be able to tell if they were lying, ds1 would always cry if he was telling the truth and it didn't look like i was believing him but after the other day I can't go by that anymore.

I am not looking to punish him if he has done it, or her if she told tales, but I really do not want lies.

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Original poster

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:13

He has just come and told me that he dropped his shorts, not his underpants because he was dared too.

She looked very confused when I said this and she said he told her to say yes to whatever I asked her.

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Original poster

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:14

She is still saying he got his willy out.

I have sent them both to bed.

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scaredoflove · 21/04/2010 19:15

I would personally leave it now. If no one is forthcoming tonight, then tomorrow you tell them together that you are very disappointed that one of them was lying and that makes it harder to trust either of them

Promise them that honesty will always make you feel proud but lies will always make you angry. Let them see you not get angry by letting this one go

stoppinattwo · 21/04/2010 19:17

try the "do i have to get the secret camera out of the garden and check the video footage??" - go and check the footage and then call DS's bluff and say "lRight i had no choice, i checked the footage and it shows you weeing in the garden, are you now gonna tell the truth?" (can you see Ive done this before.....)

it works every time....

FAB I am completely with you on this and it isnt the weeing in the garden, gross as that is, it is the lying, and also the thought that one of them is telling the truth and not being believed...unless of course your DD was mistaken - could that be a chance, she thinks he genuinely did we in the garden and he didnt, in which case it might explain why they are both sooooooooo adamant

Good luck

RubysReturn · 21/04/2010 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndigoSky · 21/04/2010 19:20

Original poster

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:20

I said about the dropping of the shorts, not his underwear, but she said he got his willy out.

I will leave it now.

I have done stuff similar to the video camera but only when I was fairly sure. This time I don't know.

I lied a lot as a kid as if I told the truth sometimes I would get hit. I really want to handle this properly.

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Original poster

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 19:22

thank you.

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stoppinattwo · 21/04/2010 19:23

with the nose tip....just make sure there are no mirrors handy

TheFallenMadonna · 21/04/2010 19:23

You are upping the stakes every time you do something like set a deadline for a confession, or re-iterate how much you hate the lying. You are making it more difficult for the one who is lying to tell the truth. And now you have sent them both to bed and so done what you didn't want to do. And you still don't know which is right and which is lying.

If they do this often, and mine have done in the past, keeping it low key from the off is effective.

"We don't wee in the garden. We don't tell tales.".

And done.

luciemule · 21/04/2010 19:24

I too am going to try that Ruby!

LynetteScavo · 21/04/2010 19:25

I wouldn't punish either of them, but I would rant a lot about the lying.

That's just what I would do, I'mnot suggesting it as the greatest parenting tactic.

IndigoSky · 21/04/2010 19:25

I'm the same Fab. I remember lying myself into terrible corners when I was young. I was told by my parents that if I admitted to it then that would be the end of it but it never was and would often end up with a slap. My dc are only 5 and 4 but they do occasionally lie - when one of them confesses I make a big thing of saying thank you for the telling the truth but I have no idea what I'll do when they stop confessing. Other than use the red nose idea....

scaredoflove · 21/04/2010 19:26

Then from now on, you keep to amnesty for small stuff. You need them to know you can be trusted and the only way is to show them

Give them ideas of what the punishment will be for small naughty behaviour and lying - small could be no tv/game for an hour, lying could be sent to bed -let them know what they are choosing

It takes a litle time, mine learnt eventually that truth always is better

I too used to get in trouble for lying whether I was or wasn't - this is why I rarely punish for honesty

cory · 21/04/2010 19:28

The nose trick is brilliant

(though some children would see through it)

I think I'd still have been inclined to say something on the lines of: "Well I don't know who is telling the truth but for future reference I do not want any weeing in the garden!"

PlumBumMum · 21/04/2010 19:32

Fab,
you know that ds is lying because he tried to get your dd to cover up for him, he knows that you wouldn't approve of him peeing in the garden,
and I don't think any of us would.

I remember when we were young we were told if you told a lie you had a black mark on your tongue.

IndigoSky · 21/04/2010 19:37

saintlydamemrsturnip · 21/04/2010 19:37

If I didn't see a misdemeanour I tell them both to behave (both being ds2 and ds3). I can't be doing with policing siblings and in my observations of my wider (huge) family intervening on the word of a child leads to them trying to play each other off. The siblings I know who get on the best (and always have) had patents who stayed out of it.

Obviously I intervene if I see something nasty or someone is about to get hurt but I don't listen to reports.

In the situation in the op I would say something like ' 'both of you behave, stop arguing now clear off and play nicely'

Pronoia · 21/04/2010 19:38

I imagine she's sent them both to bed because it was past 7 on a school night.

Glitterandglue · 21/04/2010 19:43

I did the 'both stay in a room until you both agree on the truth' thing with kids I babysat for (5 and 7) and it took them max five minutes (first time - later times were way quicker). This worked though because they did ultimately have a good sibling bond and the guilty party (on both accounts of having done X and then having lied about it) did feel bad about how upset his brother was getting for not being believed.

However, I would then follow it up with a small treat for the child who told the truth before I put them into the room. This makes up somewhat for not automatically being believed, and also sends a message to the other one that actually, lying doesn't pay off.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/04/2010 19:44

Quite likely pronoia. It just sounds punitive. My misreading probably.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/04/2010 19:46

If I did that though glitterandglue, I'd have a non-ending stream of tale-telling from DD,a nd frankly, as I tell her, I don't really care about a lot of it. They need to sort things out themselves.

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