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Parenting

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Original poster

How much time does your 12 year old spend with friends, & how much family time?

27 replies

Barberofseville · 18/04/2010 16:58

My dd seems to spend a lot of time either out with her mates, or, if she's at home, texting or facebooking them. So even when she's with us she's not really! We eat as a family about 4 times a week, but that's about it. How typical is she? Is this normal? I thought friends wouldn't take over until she was a bit older, 14/15. When I was 12 I'm sure I didn't have a social life at all!

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bellavita · 18/04/2010 17:07

Same here with DS who will be 13 in June. We do eat as a family though 7 nights a week. But apart from that he is either out or upstairs in his room on his laptop or i-pod.

Quattrocento · 18/04/2010 17:12

Same with DD who is 12.

We are relatively lucky in that her school is around 7 miles away, and the people she knows nearby are not her real friends. But still, around 3 hours a day of her life is spent on Facebook/texting. More at weekends.
Each suggested family outing is met with a headtoss.

We sit down to eat together around 6 times a week. DD appears late to the table and excuses herself the second the last morsel is eaten.

Hard work, isn't it?

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 18/04/2010 17:13

DS is 13 in November. We eat every evening meal as a family, and the rest of the time he's at organised activities, upstairs in his room watching TV or playing some computer game, doing homework or downstairs with us. It's a really even split - but I think girls tend to spend more time with friends. I can remember being in 1st Year of High School and spending all my time on the phone, and had mobile phones and computers been around then my mother would have had a battle on her hands getting me off them. You do know that the minimum age limit for Facebook is 13 though?

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PixieOnaLeaf · 18/04/2010 17:16

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ChocolatePants · 18/04/2010 17:17

Same as first posters- my 12 yr old DS loves being out with his mates- I think that's what children should be doing, playing out, if they can of course. I live in a small village where the kids all play out together.

I agree it is hard work- our family unit is no longer his main stay priority, but I guess it's part of growing up, to an extent. H

said · 18/04/2010 17:18

Exactly the same scenario as Quattro. Never accompanies us out for teh day unless money is to spent on her.

Quattrocento · 18/04/2010 17:52

Yes, the whole family days out is such a problem:

Hiking - rolled eyes
Trekking - fkat refusal
Museums - flat refusal
Art galleries - Are you joking?
Weekends to visit friends - Arguments followed by carefully insisting that every demand be met as to mode of transport (not trains and not driving, but flying is okay), followed by insisting that she has her own room to sleep in, followed by tantrums on the quality of the hotel ...
Trips to tennis club - flat refusal

Last holiday was a tantrummy nightmare. Imagine going on holiday with someone who causes arguments at every turn. All she's prepared to do is shop. I do not think that shopping should be viewed as a recreational activity.

It's so painful, really, that it's almost better to leave her out of things.

bellavita · 18/04/2010 19:33

When we go out DS1 says in a whiny voice
"oooooh do I have to go?

We have started to insist he does now and have said that as the weather is getting nicer he can expect to be going on a few trips on a weekend to get some fresh air. He is not impressed!

Oh yes the money being spent on them..... latest clothing is Super Dry stuff. I did take him into town in the hols and he was quite happy to go in the shop that stocked it!! Not so happy to go in other shops.

And the holiday thing.... we have done the US now for the last 4 years and this year have decided to do something different. Not a happy bunny, he wanted to do LA!

God, don't you just love 'em.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 18/04/2010 20:52

You are actually spending the fortune that is Super Dry???

bellavita · 18/04/2010 21:55

He saw the coat he wanted for September - not that badly priced and I have ordered a hoodie off tinternet think it was about £45. He was wearing the likes of Vans/Animal so not much more for the Super Dry.

He is growing up so I expect to pay more for his clothes as he gets older..

seeker · 18/04/2010 22:05

I really don't mean to sound - oh, I don't know, smug, stupid, self-righteous (choose your own description or add your own) but why do people put up with being treated like this by their children? I just wouldn't tolerate late to meals and leaving the table before anyone had finished, tantrums about holidays, spending hours watching TV in bedrooms in a 12 year old - why do you all?

My 14 year old loves going out with her mates and facebooking, MSNing and the rest, but she still watches tv with the family (she has to - we have no TVs in bedrooms) eats meals with us, cooks some of them, chats, goes out with us on outings and on holiday and so on.

serenity · 18/04/2010 22:19

DS1 (was 12 in February) spends most of his free time with us. I've told him that I'm happy if he wants to arrange things with his friends from school, but he doesn't seem that bothered by it. It might be slightly different for us though as he's not used to being close (in proximity) to school friends. He's happy to go out on day trips, but often prefers to stay at home (with his brother) for short trips (ie shopping)

ATM, he doesn't want as much independence as I'm willing to give him, and I haven't seen any reason to force him into it (he travels to school by himself on the bus. so isn't incapable, just not interested I think)

Computer is in the Living room, so he can be on that and still engaging with the rest of us. We always eat dinner together at the table.

PickUpYourPants · 18/04/2010 22:21

My 10 year old sends a text to her friend who lives in the same street. But she has spent all day playing out with her and other friends.

My 13 year old wants Facebook, but I am resisting for now, however she is very sensible and I would insist on being her friend.
She texts her best friend all the time and rings her for a chat regularly most nights. She does like to spend time in her room but we also have family meals most nights and she is expected to help around the house as I work full time.
She might say that she doesn't want to participate when we plan activities like days out, but they are not optional.

said · 18/04/2010 22:26

"My 14 year old loves going out with her mates and facebooking, MSNing and the rest, but she still watches tv with the family (she has to - we have no TVs in bedrooms) eats meals with us, cooks some of them, chats, goes out with us on outings and on holiday and so on."

We have no tv in the bedroom either but the pc is in open-plan room with our tv. Now, she doesn't want to watch the news/a documentary etc and I don't want to watch Hollyoaks/Waterloo Road so I'm not sure how you force them to watch tv with you.

She eats with us but I don't really see the big deal about sitting at teh table bored whilst we finish our meal. She also sometimes cooks (but doesn't clear up after her), she holidays with us (of course) but not interested in outings with us when friends are more attractive.

emkana · 18/04/2010 22:28

I don't have children that age yet (oldest is 9) but from where I stand at the moment I agree with seeker - why do you all talk about it as if your children's behaviour is totally outside your control? Am genuinely interested. For example, I would not allow Facebook until 13 at the earliest, and I certainly wouldn't allow a 12 year old to spend 3 hours a day on the computer.

serenity · 18/04/2010 22:31

Oh and money, branded clothes etc. We've always been very honest with the DCs that financially we're fairly screwed and atm, we have to be careful and (very luckily for us!) they seem to have accepted that. They know that they get treats when I have the money, otherwise no, and branded stuff would definitely be classed as a treat (or something to ask for for birthdays!) TBH, neither me or DH are into fashion or names so I think it's kind of passed them by. I'm sure that will change as they get more influenced by friends though.

bellavita · 18/04/2010 22:37

Oh DS1 doesn't get a choice about coming out with us if it is a day out, he may moan but still has to come.

He goes upstairs to do his homework at his desk. He is never late to the table and he has to take his turn with his younger brother to set the table etc and has chores to do.

As for the branded clothes - I am quite happy to buy them, it is not something that is bought every week.

seeker · 18/04/2010 22:50

"She eats with us but I don't really see the big deal about sitting at teh table bored whilst we finish our meal."

Because she's part of a family - she's not a lodger. A family is a community and should function as one, not as a group of people who happen to live in the same house.

Incidentally, I think it's not a good idea to forbid Facebook to any secondary school age child. So much of their communication and social arrangements happen online that the one without access to Facebook could very quickly become isolated and miss out on all sorts of things.

said · 18/04/2010 22:57

Nah, really can't get worked up about forcing her to sit with us for an extra 3 minutes or whatever.

seeker · 19/04/2010 16:27

Each to their own. Personally, I love looking after a family, but I'm buggered if I'm running a hotel!

Quattrocento · 19/04/2010 17:09

DD doesn't have a television in her room

She does however, have a fairly serious laptop and internet connection (albeit with parental controls) and ipod dock and large screen.

So a television wouldn't make any difference to her life at all - the issue is whether or not we take her laptop out of her room - and as she does use it for her homework, that didn't seem particularly sensible.

bruffin · 19/04/2010 19:29

DD 12 doesn't have tv or computer in her room. We live a long way from school so she doesn't really get to see her new school friends during the week after school, so she facebooks/texts them a lot. and tends to watch tv on the computer.
She still sees her old primary friends and will spend most of saturday and/or sunday with them unless we have something on and she has done her homework.

Tonight she has gone to guides , friday she will be at GCU after school and will start kayaking on wednesdays.

I am more than happy with her social life, she is a very happy girl with lots of friends and I don't mind her spending time on computer when she is home.

DS 14 got hurt by some friends in yr7 and it has taken some time to get his confidence back, but now he has started going out again.

He is much more of a homebody anyway.

linconlass · 20/04/2010 21:05

If they can bring a friend ours will go places - wd that work....?

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 21/04/2010 20:13

I wouldn't let DS1 down from the table before the rest of us are finished either. He's nearly 13, and perfectly capable of waiting until we are all finished, just as he does if we eat out, or if we're at friends for a meal. Facebook has a minimum age requirement of 13, and he tends to socialise with other kids who parents have the same approach as us - ie, he's not 13, and so doesn't get FB. He can text and email, but no Bebo, FB etc. I don't mind him watching some TV in his room, but he wouldn't be allowed, nor would he want, to spend all his time up there. He has a mix of social activities, friends round, TV with us and we have family games night on Saturdays as often as we can, when we stock up with snacks and chocolate, and play board games.

As for branded clothing - I don't expect to pay upwards of £70 for a jacket with a label just because he's older. If he wants that kind of gear then he saves up birthday/Christmas money and buys it himself.

cory · 22/04/2010 13:38

I know it's a disciplinary issue- but I can't help feeling a little envious of those of you who have teens who are always out with their friends. Dd has spent so much time off sick, on and off over many years, that she has totally lost the confidence to tried to organise anything out of school, and all her friends have lost interest in her outside of school hours. If she is well enough to go into town, she ends up taking little brother, because that's less scary than ringing someone up and trying to arrange something.

Yes, it's nice that she's always around when you want someone to watch a film with or take to the museum- and always grateful for a little entertainment.

But it is also lovely to se a teen growing in confidence and independence. I'd love it if dd turned round one day and said "no, I'm not coming; I'm seeing so and so".

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