Parenting more than 1 - good views desperately needed

[Wills]

Having a seriously bad day. I've been reading a book on moving from 1 child to 2 and to be honest its really really depressing. I've read most of it (being a sucker for punishment) mainly because whilst being depressing it also makes some good points that I'd not thought of however I've now given up because am feeling really very blue. The authors goes to great odds to say that moving from 1 child to 1+ is far far harder than having one. I'm not being nieve, blimey pregnancy itself has been hard, you can't slow down because there's always another one running around but in the book she talks about loosing your sense of being a person etc. I'm really looking forward to meeting this little one and do accept that there will be a time when I am stunningly shattered but she never talks about there being any good times! All she talks about is tiredness, not attaching to the secondborn/falling out of love with firstborn, sibling rivarlry, no time with partner and high instances of divorce, PND etc etc etc As you can probably guess I could really do with some positive feedback

dont worry - I posted recently on a thread anout the inestimable amount of pleasure I get from watching my three interact.

The only change i found was that your forst suddenly seems huge.

You willbe delighted to have two.

Promise

What struck me most, size-wise, was that the first's bottom was huge! (Still in night-time nappies!) New babies have tiny bottoms.

boney ones too

I couldn't believe how big DS1 looked when he came home from staying with friends whilst I had DS2.

Talk of getting more relaxed with each child reminds me of a friend some time back. She had 3 or 4 children already .. I can't remember! That morning I saw her coming down 2 flights of stairs from her flat with a toddler under one arm and a basket of washing under the other. About 6 hrs later I was in her flat; I cuddled the baby while she cooked, refereed, and dished out food to the kids. Her husband arrived home saying "I've brought friends round for tea - is that OK?" ... So what's surprising? The baby I was cuddling was just 4 hours old! Amazing!

Blimey kmg1! Thanks to everyone, I'd got quite blue and this has put it all back neatly into perspective. I was never under the impression it was going to be a bed of roses - after all I've got one already but the way she paints it! I'm soooo looking forward to meeting this little one and being a larger family. I've always been nervous about falling out of love bit etc so its nice to hear the reassurance. Book is now relegated and have been persuading dh to read this thread as well. He's always been of the opinion that possibly we've gone one to far already which since I ultimately want at least 4 is not good. Thanks to everyone, this is a really nice thread to read full of reassurance.

blushes at anais' kind words

2nd pregnancy (2001) several people told me about some recently published book about how difficult it was to go from one to two. I think the authoress had had promotional articles in the paper that were sent to me and on the radio (which I listened to, but the authoress sounded like an over-idealist). Plus, a friend said that she looked at her 2nd baby in hospital and thought "Oh, a baby. I guess we'll have to take it home." And so on... like having a 2nd necessarily meant falling out of love with first child or ending up totally resenting 2nd child...

Honestly, it was never like any of that. I was stressed & stretched quite often, and it took us longer to bond with 2nd child. But now (age 1 & 3) it's simply delightful how well my children play together. My 3yo always boasts proudly to anybody, "That's my sister!".

So any helpful suggestions on what is a good tactic to take?

Wow, yes about the size and the bottoms. A week ago dd1 was a cute little toddler - now she's a beautiful little girl. I have to say, though, that I'm still mesmerised by how gorgeous dd1 is.

Oh, and something that really struck me was when I'd just given birth and was delivering the placenta, being stitched etc - dp had the new babe for quite a while. He'd had the first one too, but on that occasion he'd been grasping this new baby in a gobsmacked way, thinking (he told me afterwards) 'shouldn't someone who knows about babies be doing this?'. This time round he was cuddling and chatting to her, and it was so lovely. He's much less phased by the whole thing too.

must go and check on her smallness...

I like having 2. It was difficult going from one to 2 because ds1 reacted so badly BUT and this is a big BUT he is autistic. I was surprised how much I loved the new baby and how quickly- I'd been worried about not bonding- but no problems there at all. Now 17 months later even ds1 seems to quite like having a brother. He gives him things, gives him kisses, and ds2 absoultely adores DS1 - even though he doesn't get anywhere near the "normal" sibling relationship or feedback from him.

So we had a bad time with sibling rivaly- I would imagine far worse than that described in the book- honestly it would be hard to imagine it any worse than it was for us BUT BUT BUT there were lots of good things happening at the time as well- getting to know a new baby, all those lovely new days, snuggling up with a little newborn, and so even though it was tough with ds1 I certainly don't look back on the first 6 months with horror. And now it is lovely having 2, even though we don't have normal sibling relationships, so ignore the book- it'll be fun!

thank you so much everyone for all your positive comments - It's made me really want to get started on number 2.

In fact re yhe falling out of love with numer 1, for me the opposite if anything was true. Even though he was only 17 months old, I suddenly had my eyes opened to how capable he was, & how many things he could do (understand me, follow instructions, walk, talk a bit, feed himself etc) I just thought wow - my boy's so big and clever. This was not to the detriment of number 2 who I also loved like crazy.

And yes, the size - the 1st time I picked up ds2 I nearly flung him to the ceiling he was so light, and the 1st time after the birth I sat ds1 on my knee, he seemed so huge (and he's quite a small child) it felt like I had mil sitting on my knee.

ds1 was always able to make ds2 laugh effortlessly, while me & dh had to work REALLY hard for even a smile. They always seem to succeed in cheering the other up if they've hurt themselves or feel poorly. So sweet running to fetch toys or give kisses.

Of course, they have thier moments.

There is no doubt about it, it is a life changing event to go from 1 child to 2, because you thought you were seriously harrassed with one! I rememeber the night before going in to get induced with no.2 thinking, what if I don't love it. However, when he arrived I fell in love with him immediately. Yes it was hard work at times in the first few weeks but I loved the feeling of being a family. It was much easier then to have number 3 and number 4. Your parenting style becomes much more relaxed. Number 4 does not get bathed with lots of cotton wool balls for the face, ears etc. She just got flung in the bath with her brothers and wiped over with a flannel Enjoy.

I'm so proud of my 2 gorgeous boys aged 4 and 22 mths. I love having the 2 of them even though I did find the first year or so exhausting - all those broken nights and working as well.
Of couse it's hard work being a parent, but the rewards far outweigh the tough stuff

Oh wow, monkey, you just said it so perfectly!

thanks boyandgirl, blush, pity about the zillion typos - not quite that perfect!

I might as well add one bad point, because I've got it right now - 1 mad child=2 mad children. they are busy having screaming competitions instead of falling gently off to sleep - that'll teach me for taking them to the park late instead of our usual morning visit.

I was worried about having my 2nd because I had given so much time to dd, I had no idea where ds was going to fit in - but he just slipped into the family as if he had always been there! I was lucky in that I had a demanding, high mantenance first child and a so-laid-back-he-is-almost-horizontal 2nd child. But now they are 17 months and 3.5, they play together a lot of the time and I can get on with a lot of things that I couldnt do when dd was 17 months and demanding all my attention.
And now I am really quite excited about having No3 in December and not at all fazed by it.
I really found going from 1-2 much easier than 0-1 at least I know how to hold a baby by then! And we went out on the bus to town (aq 50 mile round trip) for the first time when ds was 4 weeks old and have done it weekly or twice weekly ever since - you just grit your teeth, do it and then the next time is easier!
Have fun with 2 - its great, especially seeing them building a relationship together, which will hopefully still be strong even when you're no longer around!

Fantastic thread! This should be mandatory reading for all second time mums out there. I am due in December - my 2 will be 22 months apart. KMG1, if you're still there, are your 2 boys or girls or one of each? The only thing I can say that I'm really scared about, but can relate to in what has been said about the Abrams book is that she never went out on her own with her 2 alone. I can actually see myself doing the same thing and don't really know how all of you muster up the energy to take the 2 out. Would love advice on that, especially from someone who has 2 that are less than 2 years apart.

I'm just worried that a second child will be just as demanding as ds was/is. I have put in an order for a relaxed one next time round!

tinyfeet - you get on because you have to. For me there was more motivation to go out as I was trying to make sure that ds's life was disrupted as little as possible.

Dd - second child - was registered 2 days after birth, and the next day we went to mothers and toddlers etc.

I agree with what others have said about love. Both my children I loved before they had even arrived, desperate overwhelming love. And when dd arrived, I loved ds even more than ever. You will love them, you just can't help it!

tinyfeet - another thing about going out - it makes/keeps you sane! Right now it might seem daunting but believe me, not as much as sitting in all day with a toddler and a baby, especially not several in a row. It's time consuming to get out of the door, sure, but not difficult as such, ime anyway. Mine are 17 months ish apart. Playgrounds etc are miles easier at 1st than later because baby can just stay in pram, it gets more difficult when the baby wants to do stuff, but by this stage you'll be an old hand anyway.

I totally agree with the comments about getting out of the house I did it because it was the only thing that stopped me going mad and I used to HATE having to stay in!

I have 3, when DD2 was born, DD1 had just had her 4th birthday. DS1 was 22 months when DD2 arrived, so I had the full year with the 3 of them at home (although DD1 went to nursery part-time after a while).

At one point, I was doing 4 Toddler Groups a week and was getting out of the house a week after the births (although DD2 was registered 2 days after birth and we then went for a cream tea afterwards ).

Although time-consuming to get everyone ready to get out, definately worth it for your emotional state.

I'll be writing to you all again later after my second is born in December. I understand what you are all saying, but I still don't know how you go out with the 2 little ones on your own. It is truly daunting to me. Part of the reason is that it will be in the dead of winter when the baby is born, and also I was always so tired with DD that I imagine I'll be even more tired with my second. I understand needing to get out of the house to keep my sanity, but I can't imagine having the energy to do it. I had a very hard time getting out of the house with just DD on my own. I know it's pathetic, but it is true.

been reading this thread with interest..my 2nd is due december also(must have been something in the air ) and none of these thoughts have crossed my mind.the going out doesnt worry me as i live on a very steep hill and if its icy or snowy we dont go out anyway!the only concerns ive had is dd is 3 and that she may not get on well with baby or she gets on too well and tries to give new baby chicken nuggets/fish fingers etc.

Getting out with 2 close together is easy because you can just use a double buggy. It's particularly easy when the baby is small becuase if you go somewhere like a mother and toddler group the baby will hopefully sleep through it leaving you free to concentrate on the older one.