what would you do if...

[hiddenmum]

(changed my name just in case) friends had asked you to be character references for their adoption proceedure and you felt in your heart of hearts that (one of them) isn't a suitable candidate. if they were going to get pregnant its none of my business wether i felt they would make good parents or not, but i have to tell the person who comes to interview us what i think about them as people and potential parents, and i guess you also have to consider that they are looking at a child who may not have had the best start in life so its even more important to get it right.... but they are my friends!!!! HELP

I felt gutted, horrible and mean.

But i don't tell lies. I couldn't have written a glowing reference, couldn't have written an honest reference and then consoled my friend when she didn't get the job.

As i said before i felt my reasons were justified and therefore our friendship was strong enough to deal with it, because being justified she would understand.

So no i didn't have concern for our friendship.

Of course i found it very hard to tell her and worried about her for sometime afterwards, knowing she would be feeling hurt. But she took it fine and its all in the past.

very well said Fran .. agree completely

not everyone is like you fran and twig though. some people find being assertive (not confrontational, not passive, but assertive) in that way all but impossible....i'm not saying I agree with her reasoning, but i understand how hm feels about this situation....you're asking her to say to this couple, 'look, i can't in all conscience give you a reference' and we're talking about something as big as having a child here, not just a job....whilst you're advice is admirable and I agree that ideally that would be the way forward, i can understand why someone might feel unable to do it....just not have the guts basically????

When I clicked on this thread I thought you were going to say something awful about this couple. I am truly surprised that it's their current legal and IMO, normal lifestyle that worries you.

Before we became parents, not only were we not interested in children, we went out of our way to avoid them. No children hol resorts, avoiding houses on estates with lots of kids and even banning children from our wedding!
I was never interested in holding babies nor did I long for my own.

However, since having DS (planned BTW) my whole life focus has changed. I'm now a SAHM and we are both so in love with our little man that I'd be lost without him. Still don't like other people's kids though (no offence to anyone)

Listen to what she has to say. Don't judge her on her current lifestyle and consider why they would be going to all this trouble if it wasn't what they desperately wanted.

Sophable, i'm not advising, i was responding to hiddenmum saying she didn't agree with my statement.

My thoughts are that if there was a strong enough reason that they would not make fit parents, then yes my reason would be justified to look them in the face and say " no i will not give you a reference because...."

If i were to find that difficult then i'd have to question whether my reasons were justified.

I haven't read further than than the 4th post (your own in fact) so forgive me if I am out of date but when you wrote:

"i've known them for him for 13 years and her for 6 they both work in very demanding jobs doing long hours and often at the week ends, she even lives away from home 3 days a week, in the few years that i've had children neither of them have ever held either of mine as babies, they enjoy going on holiday/away for the w/e out for dinner etc at short notice and he is (although a good friend of ours) pretty immature in many ways, i just can't see them as parents (they originally didn't want kids when they got married) and they never discussed it with me (although he has slightly with dh) and how they plan to change their life/work situation. also the prob is he is dh's best friend so i don't want to do anything to spoil that. i couldn't just say that interviews make me nervous because this is obviuosly an important issue for them and they would surely expect me to be supportive"

It struck me that you could have been describing me and dh pre-children. We changed - and we're quite good parents now actually.

(I've binned my career, and we've both adjusted to not flying to exotic locations etc on hols for a few years...also, I was not into babies or young children at all before I had my own)