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Original poster

what would you do if...

81 replies

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 18:37

(changed my name just in case) friends had asked you to be character references for their adoption proceedure and you felt in your heart of hearts that (one of them) isn't a suitable candidate. if they were going to get pregnant its none of my business wether i felt they would make good parents or not, but i have to tell the person who comes to interview us what i think about them as people and potential parents, and i guess you also have to consider that they are looking at a child who may not have had the best start in life so its even more important to get it right.... but they are my friends!!!! HELP

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Mud · 26/07/2005 22:19

well everyone else seems to be a lot more pleasnat than I have been in wording their posts

I have already apologised for and reworded the 'have done damage' line on Tuesday, 26 July, 2005 9:15:24 PM

and I don't believe you are a real friend in the way you are approaching this situation - I think you are filled with self-importance and being very judgemental but that is MY OPINION and has no bearing on your friendship because I do not know you or your friends

wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:26

Have to agree with Mud. I would be horrified if one of my best friends (and you would have to be a very good friend to be asked to be a character reference) secretly thought I and my DH were immature, selfish and perhaps unfit to be adoptive parents. If you really think this then I would in all seriousness keep your opinions to yourself and suggest another referee. If in fact these are just prejudices based on your own parenting style then please accept that people approach parenthood with different expectations and priorities. No-one knows what it's going to be like until they get there.

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 22:26

i just felt that custardos comments were rather flippant - particularly "maybe they don't" (like children) very useful why posting on a thread of this nature - it just came across as unhelpful, oh i don't now..... i guess i'm just to sensitive about things and feel things are personally motivated even though as i posted myself you don't know me from adam

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wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:28

HM nothing's personal - how can it be? But you have to admit you made some pretty serious assumptions based upon not very much evidence, and then asked for other people's opinions. This is the result.

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 22:32

i don't think they are both immature, only him and i've never once said that either of them are selfish nor unfit to be parents and i find it hurtful to suggest that i'm not a true friend, surely you can still be someones friend even though you don't fully agree or approve of things they say or do.

all i said in my first inital postings was the few things about their situation that had me feeling not 100% about being able to say that i felt they are suitable candidates for entering the process of adoption and asking what others would do in this situation and now i'm "not a true friend" and "self-important"?

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Bellie · 26/07/2005 22:37

hm - if you re-read your first couple of posts you have said that one of them is not a suitable candidate - which to my mind is the same as saying that they are not fit to be a parent - I guess this is where the judgemental and self importance references are coming from.
If you really think this as a good friend you should tell them this is what you think rather than going through with the interview.

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 22:43

perhaps i should add that when i said not a suitable candidate for adoption i didn't mean that they weren't fit to be a parent, i meant that in terms of wehter or not they were up to taking on the responsibility of an adopted child who may have come from a difficult/troubled background which in my mind is going to be a lot harder than entering into the realms of parenthood with your own child.

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wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:45

BUt what is it you don't 'approve' of? I can understand not approving of excessive drinking or taking drugs, but working hard and not expressing an overt desire to have kids? So she's older and is worried that one day he may leave her - so far so natural. So he wanted kids but she didn't before they married - well, people change! It's the use of the word 'approve' that I would object to, it's not up to you to approve or otherwise, that's the assessor's job! But you can be honest about your view of them as people without having to say whether you approve or not.

wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:47

Re the difficult background of adopted children - that is why potential adoptive parents are so thoroughly vetted. And potential parents do have the choice of saying "I don't want a 'difficult' child". Even the most angelic of people may find a 'difficult' child a challenge.

Tortington · 26/07/2005 22:48

i was trying to say.........oh well never mind

Tortington · 26/07/2005 22:52

hiddenmum i think you were mean and rude to me.

for future reference please post - anyones comments welcome except custardos

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 22:52

wordsmith when i used the word approve it wasn't to do with this situation, i was saying that in order to be a friend of someones doesn't mean you have to be in total agreement with eerything about them (in response to some questioning wether i am a true friend or not), not saying there is anything i don't approve of with regards to them (if that makes sense)

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wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:54

Custardo I understand what you were trying to say.

And in your defence I invariably find your postings on any subject both sensible and amusingly put. Oh, and straight to the point. None of this faffing around with worrying about other people's feelings

Now can I have that fiver please?

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 22:55

CUSTARDO I APOLOGISE - i read you posting incorrectly obviously and thought you very just taking the p*ss and i'm afraid i was already feeling put upon by others and you got the brunt of it, once again, i'm sorry

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wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:55

I think I understand what you are trying to say too hiddenmum. Now let's all kiss and make up.

wordsmith · 26/07/2005 22:56

(small cough)

Hiddenmum I think she was taking the piss again.

Bellie · 26/07/2005 22:56

you are so right hm - you don't have to agree with everything that they do/stand for etc to be a friend but I would be honest with them. If I had doubts about being able to be supportive in an interview which obviously means a lot to them - I would tell them about my feelings.

Twiglett · 26/07/2005 22:59

IMHO a true friend doesn't say anything behind someone's back they wouldn't say to their face, so if you cannot bring yourself to talk to your friends about how you feel about being a referee then you are doing them a disservice

and I am not talking about posting here btw because we all do that when we are looking for advice

ScummyMummy · 26/07/2005 23:05

Hiddenmum- please lay off custardo and mud. They're just posting their views, which seem straightforward and valid enough to me. You seem v touchy about this whole thing. I guess you're feeling pretty guilty about not feeling able to offer your full support to this couple and that's making you defensive? What does your husband think you should do?

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 23:13

i have actually apologised to custardo (see below) and agreed with a lot of what mud wrote but was rather hurt by a couple of her comments (one of which she admitted was a typo), yes i think you have hit the nail on the head, i do feel guilty not being able to offer my full support but i don't feel i'm being defensive, i'm just upset at the way my words have been twisted around to sound like i mean things that i really don't

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Twiglett · 26/07/2005 23:15

bugger if people can twist your words this negatively when they are written down for everyone to refer back to then I think you need to seriously think through whether you want to be interviewed as a referee

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 23:17

ok - show me were i said they were selfish?

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Twiglett · 26/07/2005 23:23

who? me???

Fran1 · 26/07/2005 23:24

" i don't agree with your last comment though, could/would you jeapordise a friendship by being that honest "

Yes

True friendship = honesty

I once refused to write a reference for a friend (was her boss, and then remained friends) and i explained to her my reasons, there were factors i knew about which would have made this particular job extremely hard for her to do. I did not want to be in a position of recommending someone for a job that i knew they did not meet the criteria for.

We are still friends. She appreciated my honesty.

Adoption - unless i knew any rapists/drug dealers/takers, i can't imagine anything that my friend could do that would make me not want to be a referee in their application to adopt. If i did know a drug dealer trying to adopt then i would tell them that were the reason i was going to refuse to be their referee!

Original poster

hiddenmum · 26/07/2005 23:27

but when you did that fran1 were you not afraid that the friend would take offence at that would be the end of the friendship?

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