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Original poster

Should I always let my 5 year old win at games ?

43 replies

mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:22

Hi, my 5 year old daughter has recently become interested in games. She likes things like snakes and ladders and other Orchard toy games.
The problem is, she always has to win. If she feels she's not winning at any point in the game, she starts getting worried. If she looses, she crys, storms off etc. We tell her that it dosn't matter if she dosn't win all the time, and that it's no fun if we already know who the winner will be before we start the game. I've even told her that no one will want to play with her if she's like this.
I've never experienced this in her before, maybe it's a new phase in development ?
Should we carry on letting her win, or is that not a good idea? I'd like to teach her not to be a sore looser, but I'm not quite sure how.

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stillenacht · 07/04/2010 21:23

sorry but it made me think of this!

notnowbernard · 07/04/2010 21:23

NO

she has to learn to lose too

geordieminx · 07/04/2010 21:25

Nope, otherwise she will turn into a very bad looser and none of the other kids will want to play with her

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thisisyesterday · 07/04/2010 21:26

ds is a bit like this. we don't really ahve "winners" we tend to just play til we've both finished in things like snakes and ladders and stuff
but that's partly because i don't want him growing up to be overly competitive or thinking that you have to "win" to be good at something

iw ant him to enjoy games because it's nice playing them, not because he might win

if he is getting anxious i tend to just say "hey, you never know what will happen, let's keep going.. you might win"
if he doesn't then I'll just say "let's play again, and see what happens this time.."

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:27

So what should I do when she's going off on one when she's lost? Just ignore her, or explain that she can't win every time?

OP posts:
cory · 07/04/2010 21:29

I think it's fine to let them win at first and then gradually wean them off it when they get to an age when they might start playing with other children. Just because you do something when they're first learning doesn't mean you have to carry on doing it forever.

thisisyesterday · 07/04/2010 21:30

yeah, i'd just say that that's what games are like. sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. then just let her have her tantrum!

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:30

Good idea, I could just say "lets play it again and see what happens next time". She'd probubly be o.k with that.
Then I could say, if you loose and have a tantrum, we won't play again but if you loose and you're o.k with it, we'll play again.

OP posts:
zapostrophe · 07/04/2010 21:34

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:40

Once we played the game and I lost, so I reacted in a similar way as she does, to see what she'd make of it.
I said "Oh I lost! That's not fair" and she laughed and said "but you did come second mummy", then I said "But I wanted to win" and she said "Oh, o.k then, you can be the winner too".

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Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:42

That link was funny BTW. She's not that bad though. (Yet!)

OP posts:
cosysocks · 07/04/2010 21:42

Lol I wish I had this problem. ds 4 and I have been playing memory pairs and he keeps beating me! despite my best efforts.

Seriously though I think it's a case of distraction when they do lose and like someone said weaning them off winning all the time.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:52

I think playing with other children will help too.

OP posts:
missmoopy · 07/04/2010 22:03

No, she needs to learn that you can't always win. And her ability to cope with losing will improve!

notnowbernard · 07/04/2010 22:16

I think you need to let her 'go into one', if that's what she does

Experiencing the feelings associated with losing is important... after all, we all feel like it from time to time in life and you can't pretend to not feel pissed off/angry/dejected/upset. Similarly, you should be allowed to express them and talk about them if you need to. As you should be allowed to celebrate and bask in glory if you win

All this sweeping under the carpet business or minimising the power of them is not great for the health of the nation

bananabrain · 07/04/2010 22:18

My ds was like this about a year ago (just 5) and actually he seems to have grown out of it himself and now often helps me or his dad to make sure we win. I think they are just learning what games are all about and it's natural that they'd think winning is the be all and end all at first. Once they are more familiar with playing games they realise themselves that you don't always have to win, and that there's always another time.
I think we did a combination of.... often letting him win as he enjoyed the games so much & we were playing them for him so why not let him enjoy winning too..... sometimes him not winning (especially in games where it's chance anyway and you can't fix it) and then saying "never mind we can play again, maybe you'll win next time, etc etc.".... sometimes doing what you have said and play acting being upset at not winning ourselves, which he did find funny and maybe meant he didn't take it all so seriously.
I actually think it boosted his confidence to think that he could win against us (even though it was sometimes obvious that we were letting him!) - I suppose they are so used to adults being better / more experienced at everything that being able to beat us at a game must be a good feeling.
Obviously it is different when they're playing other children, but I think with a bit of practise playing with adults and sometimes winning / sometimes losing they get the hang of it.

paisleyleaf · 07/04/2010 22:20

My DD loves frustration - she really hasn't got the emotional capabilities for a game called frustration.
She's getting better though.

bananabrain · 07/04/2010 22:20

No not PONCETASTIC - very sensible. I'm all for a good expression of fury / high excitement ..... good job really as ds1 is good at them

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 22:22

No-you will produce a DC that no one wants to play with! Bear in mind that if you were playing with 2 DCs one would have to lose.
I used to say to mind 'where is the fun in winning if someone has let you win? It is much more exciting if you have managed to win when the other person is trying.' It only lasts a short time, they get used to it.

SuSylvester · 07/04/2010 22:23

i never ever ever did
i let them tantrum
then do a tantrum myself if i lose

notnowbernard · 07/04/2010 22:26

I think their tantrums at that age are quite amusing tbh wrt losing

DD1 is a bit better now but catch her on a good day and she can do door slamming and Oscar winning "It's not FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!" wonderfully

I hate it when they preen over the loser though

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 07/04/2010 22:28

The sense of achievement and triumph upon winning is diminished when they know you let them win

dd beat me at monopoly this week
she was ecstatic for hours
she has never beat me before

biddyofsuburbia · 07/04/2010 22:30

sounds familiar. DS is like this but increasingly less so. To avoid tantrums have let him win a few too many times but he's got to learn that you don't always win and that 'taking part' can be fun even if you don't win. (I sound like my parents - dear God help me!)

I was terrible as a child - I do remember being sent out of my own 6th birthday party for having a tantrum because I wasn't winning all the prizes. May have been a bit of only child syndrome but that really did teach me a lesson!

DS goes to a fairly competitive boys school so I want him to learn at home rather than him having a hard knock somewhere down the line when he realises he's not actually the best at everything all the time! I am trying to teach him to behave honourably when he loses and congratulate the winner and pointed out its what happens in sports like rugby and tennis which he plays. There can be pride in losing too, i.e. by being big enough to congratulate your opponent. Of course, this doesn't mean you shouldn't try and win

foureleven · 07/04/2010 22:35

Make the most of it, she'll be beating you at games soon enough then you'll have problems ha ha

In seriousness though. No I dont think you should let her win.

I think competativeness is really important, you wont really get too far in life without competing at some point.

In my opinion that is, not saying everyone should agree. In fact I hope lots of parents dont teach it then my kids can storm through

I dont mean by that though that I dont also teach them its ok to lose. They do know its ok to lose, but they should try their very best to win.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 07/04/2010 22:56

I agree with cory. My approach with Ds at this age was to let him win. Don't be nervous of kids - the thing is, they develop; they become able where they weren't able before; gradually they gain skills they didn't have and it is not always as a result of practice, often it is simply gaining maturity that does it.

My ds didn't need to practice losing; he just became able to do it as he matured. I'm not saying he likes losing now - but he can do so without a tantrum.

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