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Parenting

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Original poster

Should I always let my 5 year old win at games ?

43 replies

mummyloveslucy · 07/04/2010 21:22

Hi, my 5 year old daughter has recently become interested in games. She likes things like snakes and ladders and other Orchard toy games.
The problem is, she always has to win. If she feels she's not winning at any point in the game, she starts getting worried. If she looses, she crys, storms off etc. We tell her that it dosn't matter if she dosn't win all the time, and that it's no fun if we already know who the winner will be before we start the game. I've even told her that no one will want to play with her if she's like this.
I've never experienced this in her before, maybe it's a new phase in development ?
Should we carry on letting her win, or is that not a good idea? I'd like to teach her not to be a sore looser, but I'm not quite sure how.

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UniS · 07/04/2010 22:57

no. let her lose if she loses. SOme games work with a first winner, 2nd winner 3rd winner etc as you all finish. Some games do just have clear Winner. thats life.

Just wait till she discovers cheating. We thought my 8yr old nephew was winning a game rather frequently... then he was caught pre shuffling his card to advantageous order. Many tears from him when challenged.

My DS cries if he loses AND if he wins, he doesn't want the game to end.

piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 08:02

A friend and I have have never forgotten another friend picking up her monopoly board and going home with it in the middle of a game! She was losing and as an only DC she had always been allowed to win at home-don't do it.She was 11yrs old at the time!!
It also makes them much quicker. When my youngest brother was 5yr my other brother and I would let him play games with us, but not only were we out to win, we were were out to cheat him too!! For example he was playing monopoly at that age and if he wanted to buy one of our properties we would name a ridiculous price-knowing that in the end he would pay us. It may have been mean, but it did him a huge favour-he was very good at maths at school and very, very quick on the uptake!
You only have the luxury of avoiding tantrums by letting her win because you have the one-as soon as you have 2 you have to put up with the tantrums, or not play the game.

cory · 08/04/2010 08:12

clarification: I didn't mean that you should never let her lose: more that if you have let her win so far, this is not set in stone

My mum let little brother win until he was about 4/5, then he gradually had to learn, so she started winning now and then, and by the time he was 6 the potty-training, so to speak, was done.

If you are still letting an 8yo win, you seriously need to review your methods!

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piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 08:15

I let them win some when they were very little, but they need to be able to lose by the time they are at school. I have played lots of games with reception DCs and they have been fine about losing-however they might be very different at home!

hazeyjane · 08/04/2010 08:20

Dd1 (4) loves playing games, and is a baaad loser, fortunately dd2 (3) is usually 'playing' too (ie running away and hiding the dice. It is hugely frustrating for dd1, that she can't win all the time, but sheis starting to learn that other people win sometimes too. She is also learning to cheat, but she is so obvious it is hilarious.

cory · 08/04/2010 08:21

Not all children are capable of playing board games with other children when they start school though, pisces, and if I remember rightly, the OP's dd does have some slight developmental delay. Mine played board games with me at home long before they could do it with their mates. Ds started school just after his 4th birthday and would not have been able to cope with the social aspect of setting up and playing a board game with other young children. Didn't do him any harm socially.

overmydeadbody · 08/04/2010 08:22

Don't let her win evdery time, that is a bad idea.

Just try to not focus on winners and losers, , as thisisyesterday said.

Agree with bananabrain, very good advice there. Let her deal with her feelings over losing.

I would just let them tantrum and then do the same if I lost too.

Unfortunately DS doesn't hafve a competative bone in his body.

onebadbaby · 08/04/2010 08:28

I don't think they should be allowed to win every time- model good losing and ignore tantrums and tears.

Don't agree with playing just for the fun of it though and removing the competitiveness. Being competitive to a certain degree is healthy for a child- play to win I say, but if you lose, you lose and maybe they will try harder next time to get better at the game and improve their tactics.

seeker · 08/04/2010 08:29

Doesn't it depend on the game? If it's something that's purely chance then don't let them win ( unless they are having a particularly appalling run of luck!) But if it's something that depends on strength, knowledge or skill then of course you have to manipulate it a bit so they don't lose all the time. Actually that's it , surely? Don't let them win all the time but make sure they don't lose all the time either.

cory · 08/04/2010 08:33

Seeker puts it very well.

If your dh happened to be a professional football player, would you want him to use all his strength and skill while playing football with his 5yos? Probably not, they'd never see the ball! If I used all my skill when playing Scrabble with a 6yo they'd never ever come anywhere near winning: all the game would be about would be watching mummy win again and again and again. It's all about balance.

Now that dd is 13, I do play to win, and admittedly almost always do, but she is old enough to take it.

onebadbaby · 08/04/2010 08:34

I agree seeker- I make sure my dd doesn't always lose.

piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 08:58

I agree with seeker. Obviously if you are playing a skills game, adult against 5 yr old, then you don't play at your level! Snakes and ladders is luck-you can only be sure to lose by miscounting so they don't notice.
I think that DCs are politer in school with a stranger-they have all managed to lose, but then the game hasn't been about winning or losing and they have had fun on the way so often don't notice the way it is going.

Heifer · 08/04/2010 09:44

I have never ever let DD win at anything. I didn't play the best I could, but I never deliberately lost either.

From a very young age she has learnt that if she throws a tantrum or sulks we stop playing. Simple.

Not had a problem, until yesterday. I was playing hockey with her and I beat her, big strop and sulk, so I picked up my stick and walked in the house, bet she doesn't strop when we play next time. I blame DH, he has been playing with her recently and I bet he let her win. years of training her down the drain in 5 mins .

Seriously though, I don't thrash her, but I don't let her win either. There are some games that she can generally beat me, or at least hold her own (uno etc). She is 6 (year 1).

seeker · 08/04/2010 20:13

So if you were teaching a child to play chess, or draughts or chinese checkers or bridge or some other game you've been playing for 20 years they would loese every time until they had 20 years practice behind them???

Heifer · 10/04/2010 17:18

I'll let you know in 20 years time although doubt it will take DD that long to beat me at anything...

didgeridoo · 11/04/2010 09:16

Letting them win sometimes is good for their confidence, letting them win all the time breeds arrogance. My parents let me win therfore I don't always let mine IFYSWIM!

Coldhands · 12/04/2010 09:50

Haven't read all the responses but don't let her win all the time!! Please!!

I worked in a primary school for a while and one of my jobs was in the after school club, playing games and stuff with the children. There was one girl who was 7/8 whose mum ALWAYS let her win and she was the worst loser ever. She would have a massive strop and refuse to play and go "ha ha ha ha I win you lose" etc etc.

When I won, I would point out that it didn't matter, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose but we still enjoyed the game and maybe she would win next time. After a while she was much better and would say "maybe I'll win next time miss". Made for much better game playing as I hated playing with her and so did the other children (which is why I was doing it and not the other children).

Annie57 · 13/04/2010 17:21

No she shouldn't win all the time. You don't need to 'reason' with her either. What you're trying to do is get her to see something she isn't able to understand yet. She'll learn simply by winning sometimes and losing sometimes.

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