Those of you who DON'T do playdates - can I ask why not?

[decena]

This is a genuine question. My DD goes to a small rural school where there is only a few other girls her age. We have had them all here to play, sometimes the group of them, and yet, my DD never gets invited back (only to one girls house). I don't know how much other girls are invited back but doesn't seem often and I know having the girls here, that some of them don't know others houses.
I just can't understand why other mums don't reciprocate? Only one works, no-one has babies, don't they care about their daughters social life?
Because I hate continually asking without a return invite, my DD only has a friend home once or twice a term and it is a shame because she loves it.
I get quite paranoid about being the only one doing the asking, and taking it quite personally that all the other mums hate me!
So, I would really be interested in why other mums don't invite friends round, and how do feel about your child then going on playdates?

Flight - I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong.

I know with my DS that he doesn't cope well in unfamiliar situations, and needs 1:1 supervision pretty much all the time if he is going to be expected to obey normal social rules (ie. not wrecking the gaff or whacking other kids!).

He can behave really beautifully, but he really needs to be pretty much shadowed constantly to give him a fighting chance, and it just isn't fair to expect other parents to do that. I certainly wouldn't put anyone but my closest relatives in that position with my DS, and vice versa (my DS gets very anxious, although you wouldn't know it if you didn't know him - you'd just think he was an unruily brat!).

For me, the best thing other parents can do is to invite us both round occasionally , and not to be offended if we only stay for an hour (about the amount of tiem DS can cope with being 'good' ).

I've got better at arranging them this past term, but when I didn't it was because:

There's only one afternoon when dd isn't at afterschool club or an activity.

I rush into the playground late and never see the other mums to arrange.

The house is a mess/needs cleaning.

I have other errands to do after school.

I have elderly parents to visit.

I wanted to do other things with dd after school.

DD is tired and needs a low key activity.

Oh, thankyou very much BJ - that's very reassuring.
Fwiw mine is 6, I don't think his friend had been on any playdates before.

I did say to his mum, if she wanted to come as well, she was very welcome - but she declined.
i think she wanted to see how it went.

i just wish it had worked out better.

Thanks again. I might give it a while longer before we try again, see if he has built some coping mechanisms.

I think it's a bit sad not to have friends over to play (I also hate the term 'playdate'!)

Too busy? You can still be busy and have another child round to entertain yours at the same time! When my dds have friends round I don't see them much - either in their rooms or in the garden having fun.

I don't like having to make arrangements weeks in advance that you sometimes have to do with some people. Why is everyone so busy?! What happened to just doing nothing after school?

FWIW, (and this is the opposite of the situation the OP described) I tried a few times to arrange a playdate with one particular child and the mother kept on putting it off -- I found out later that the DC still had 'accidents' and wasn't confident about going to the bathroom in other people's houses (or at school). Wish the mother had just told me though, but I sort of understand her reticence.

My dd's best friend's Mum prefers my dd to go to her house as she only has her half the week, her Dad has her the other half.
So she does a majority share.

Ds has two friends who he would love to come and play but both their Mums said they would prefer my Ds to go to their houses first despite the fact I looked after both these boys at nursery school.
We have exchanged numbers but I feel cheeky phoning and asking if Ds can go to their house.

I am nice honest and my dc are well-behaved, but nobody seems to want to play.

It's about priorities-I have four DC, work full time, have many other demands on my time (as do we all!) that could be used as reasons for not having other children over to play, also because there are four of them they don't really need anyone else,and they all have loads of activities to go to etc etc

..but my childen enjoy it, so we do it. Not excessively, probably a friend each every month on average-(not that I've ever done a spreadsheet about it )

I think the key to it is to completely chill about the no return invite, it's so not personal -I find about 50% of the children's friends just do not do having friends to play, or parties etc, it's a bit of a shame but my DC just accept that people come to play here but they don't go to their houses so much ..or at all!

I draw the line at sleepovers though-enough children of my own

I have a small house, no playroom. Others have big houses, beautiful playrooms etc... and to tell you the truth I feel inferier (sp!) and embarassed about my little match box

OP, you have my sympathies.

I agree that playdates are super important for children - it is a crucial learning experience to go to other families' homes and to learn how to enjoy yourself when you get there, while meeting different expectations of behaviour, tasting different food etc. I am like you, and organise lots of playdates, lunches, teas etc for DD and her friends. Most reciprocate (and I completely understand that very busy WOHMs cannot, and take whatever they can offer in return with great understanding!).

I have only play dates a few times although it is dependent on the child

my oldest who is 10 always had mates round, whenever they like as they are old enough to go to each other houses without much parental involvement

my 6 year old rarely has them again this is because the parents need to be more involved, dropping off collecting etc,

however I feel when kids are at school all say they really don't need to see that much of each other after, t

I don't think that school socialising is in any way equivalent to socialising at home. One is not a substitute for the other - children need both the type of socialising that goes on at school in a controlled, institutional setting, albeit without parental supervision, and the far more civilised and also freer socialising that goes on at home with chosen friends.

We tend to do our play dates during the school holidays - I find we're just too busy after school.

That said, we don't do much - but One after school a week, I work, one after school DD1 has a hobby, one after school DD2 has her hobby, one after school I meet a group of friends with their children (In this group are both my DDs best friends). So that leaves Fridays. By then, I'm knackered and just want to chill out!

It is probably nothing to do with you, but once you start trying to juggle the hobbies of multiple children, it gets difficult because whilst one child might be free to go on the playdate, that does not mean I'm free to host playdates, because of my other Daughter / commitments.

I don't do playdates as my house is too small and have no garden and would be too embarrassed to have a mother collect and have her see my house. Ds would never get invited back to their houses once mothers had seen mine, so will save myself the humiliation !

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LOL LOL LOL at all you parents who don't teach your DCs how to have a civilised social life. You will life to regret it, mark my words!

That's it Bonsoir - My DD already has a very civilised social life - just not with her school friends! That's why it is so much stress to add them into the mix too.

We have one of six yr old ds' friends round for tea after school each half term
I did invite another boy but he was a little < insert rude word> and it put me off

I encorouge playdates for dd. I love to see her playing with other children. She is an only - so that probably makes me very motivated. But we have regular playdates with 2 families with 4 dc. It's pretty full on for me - but it is a great experience for dd to have the range of kids and ages.

I accept it will not be totally reciprocal but I would be wary if it was never reciprocated. Dd bugs me a lot to go to dcs houses after they have been to mine. Some do straight away, some eventually, and some seem very anxiuos for some reason. I don't care - but dd does.

Of course a 5 yr old needs a social life and I totally agree with Bonsoir that it is completely different to the sociallising at school.

I would do more playdates if I didn't work.
I don't pick up from school most the time.
I tend to have kids round for the day when they are off school..having 3 round tomorrow .

so what do people do if you don't have 'playdates'(for want of a better term).
dd is an only, but v good at entertaining herself, and we do some, but not ridiculous amounts, of activities.

for the child(ren) not doing an activity, what are they doing between school & bedtime? i find dd does her homework, then she will pick a game or opt for dvd/ds. i felt a bit guilty that it must be a bit boring for her, then we had a friend round, the youngest of 4, who said it was so much better at our house cos all she does at home is watch tv.

isn't that the point - that they get bored with their siblings & the same toys - having a friend round gives them a chance to do something different? also, friends are the same age, but most siblings are a different age, so the interaction is different. most ofus who work have some kind of social time with work colleagues, and school can be quite full on, it's nice for them to have time to chill together, isn't it?

i suspect that those of us with one child are more motivated - i find i have more free time when dd has someone to play with, rather than less, so i frequently borrow random kids.

I think the number of children in a family has a lot to do with it. I have 5, and only DD1 regularly had little friends over until she was about 6. By then there were 3 DCs in the family and they played together fairly well (baby excluded a lot of the time tbh).

I found it quite civilised most of the time when DD 1 had a friend over, but there were some children I vowed never to invite again, because I didn't consider it my job to civilise other people's children. Some of the children I had the misfortune to supervise for an afternoon of destructive mayhem were absolute terrors; it was very clear that nobody had ever taken the time to teach them even basic manners.

Not having playdates means not teaching your children how to have a civilised social life? I completely disagree. I had about 2 or 3 playdates as a child, but had relatives round or was visiting family instead...