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Original poster

Do you think I am been unfair to dp over this

27 replies

adizem · 05/04/2010 18:59

Hi
I have one ds who is 9.
I have always tried to compensate for the lack of siblings by having plenty of friends around even on the occasional sleepover.
I probably do have friends here too much at times especially more so in the school holidays.
A few members of my family such as my mom and sister have commented that its unfair to my dp to come in from work and have kids running about his house and that he must get really fed up.
I have had them occasionally on weekends which is dp's days off he works full time.
My mom popped in and commented that the house was cold with ds and his friend running in and out the garden and that she doesn,t know how dp stands it.
Dp has got fed up with it on occasions and I have tried to explain that because of the lack of siblings, and cousins of his own age in the family then ds deserves to have mates over.
Dp also hates it if I have a friend on a sleepover when he is at work the next day.
I have tried to do my best for ds so that he isn,t lonely but everyone seem to be on my case about this.
My mom also thinks that I let them do what they want and that they wreck my house.
Like all kids they do sometimes run a little wild but alot of the time they do just play quietly on the wii or whatever.
So what do you think am I been unfair to dp.
I do also work variable hours sometimes full time hours, but I still make time for ds to have friends.
Dp has really got at me today because I have a mate coming on a sleepover tomorrow and he is at work the next day he has stomped off saying it doesn,t feel like his home sometimes and its a joke.
I mean ds probably has someone to sleep over only very occasionally and probably has a playdate roughly three times a week after school more often in the holidays.

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louii · 05/04/2010 19:03

3 times a week??? Can he not go to friends houses? Is it the same friends all the time, ye are prob getting used as free childcare.

~I do think you are being unfair to your DP, what time to the kids go home?

lisasimpson · 05/04/2010 19:12

well your DP thinks you are being unfair and that's the important point. He could go to others' houses instead? three times or more a week seems too excessive to me.

lisasimpson · 05/04/2010 19:14

also you haven't mentioned how your DS feels - has he mentioned being lonely?

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Earlybird · 05/04/2010 19:16

Does you ds do any sport or after school activities? Could he do some of his out-of-school socialising there? It also can be very good for an only child to be part of a team (i.e. sports) so they learn to work together/be part of a group.

How does your dp feel about the 'only child' issue? How many siblings did/does your dp have?

Earlybird · 05/04/2010 19:16

Another thought - what time does your dp come in from work and when do the playdate guests typically leave?

rubyslippers · 05/04/2010 19:18

It is your DP's opinion which matters, not your mum's

i think 3 times per week every week is a lot

sometimes it is nice to come home from work and not have a houseful

what does your DS say about it? are all these activities at his request?

Original poster
adizem · 05/04/2010 19:18

He has a variation of friends around.
He is hardly ever asked to anyones house gets the very occasional invite but thats all.
If they come after school they go home around 7.
If they come in the holidays I usally have them from the morning about 10.30 to 11.00 and take them back around 4 to 5 sometimes its been later around 6.
On a sleepover I have had them from about 6 in the evening and took them back about 4 the next day.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 05/04/2010 19:22

I think 3 times a week at your house is too much if it is every week. Your DP probably feels he never sees DS.

Let it calm down and then have a calm chat with your DP. Let him have his say and find out what really bugs him on this matter. Then work it out together a compromise ... More activities with mates away from the house? More family time? And what does your DS want?

Original poster
adizem · 05/04/2010 19:24

He never really mentions been lonely if I am honest.
Dp is one of 5 all sisters.
Ds thinks that ds is perfectly okay and there is no need to have friends over so much.
Dp comes in from work anytime between 4 and 5.
I hate organised clubs with regard to making friends for ds just people he sees one day for an hour each week

OP posts:
lisasimpson · 05/04/2010 19:25

6 in the evening until 4 the next day! those parents must love you.

QOD · 05/04/2010 19:35

I only have sleep overs on days dh IS going to work in the morning because he is such a grouch that he hates the racket in the morning. If they were here on a weekend/day off they would ruin his lay in

Hmmmm when dd was 9 we probably did have 2 to 3 play dates a week, same sort of thing. It's reduced now to once in a blue moon as now she is older (11) she is kind of self entertaining.
Maybe you should cut down to x 2 a week and for earlier pick up. Mine would go about 5ish - 6.30 at the latest

So I dont think you're being unfair but a bit over generous!

rubyslippers · 05/04/2010 19:38

if your DS isn't saying he is lonely then maybe you should ease up a bit

TBH, 3 nights per week is a lot and if i was coming home half the week to a houseful, i wouldn't be too pleased

VoluptuaGoodshag · 05/04/2010 20:40

FWIW I couldn't do that amount of playdates but I love my own space.

DD has about one a week either here or at a pals. A sleepover is a very rare occasion and I'd always collect her or expect whichever friend to be collected the next morning. If she has a pal round they usually stay for dinner and are collected at around 6ish though if the truth be known I'd rather not do dinner and have them collected or collect her at 5ish but the whole dinner seems the norm around here.

It's worth noting that your DS rarely goes to other people's houses - ask yourself why? Probably because:-

  • they know you're being overgenerous so they needn't bother
  • the parents' feel obliged to offer the same length of play as you do and they just can't be arsed
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 05/04/2010 20:45

I don't think you're being unfair to your DP if he isn't complaining, but I do think you're trying too hard. Your DS is playing with other kids all day at school, he doesn't need full time entertaining surely?

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2010 20:46

i don't think you're being unreasonable actually.

the only thing i would change is that i would maybe send them home earlier than 7pm, that's quite late

i don't see the problem with there being other kids in the house though, if you'd chosen to have 3 or 4 children it would be just the same.... it's an odd thing to comment on.

paisleyleaf · 05/04/2010 20:51

I can see your DH's point and do think that it's probably a bit much.

MrsGravy · 05/04/2010 21:05

I think there's definitely room for compromise here. Why don't you just cut it back a little - once a week for playdates, less sleepovers with the kids being collected straight after lunch for example? That would still give your DS plenty of socialising time but would also give your DH a bit more space.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/04/2010 21:09

Ease up, he doesn't ned all this organising, 3 days a week is excessive. I would also question why he is never invited back, is it because the other mothers know that they can always dump their kids on you?

nubbins · 06/04/2010 08:16

I rekon 3 times a week is quite a lot to have organised playdates. My dd used to have friends living very close by who would knock for her, but we could send them home whenever we wanted, and not be stuck 'babysitting' for other people.

I would ask your son if he does fancy any after school clubs. My dd has made some great friends at her clubs, with similar interests to her that don't go to the same school or are in different year groups. She would never have met them otherwise, and they have come to parties etc. Don't dismiss friends just because it is only for an hour a week.

misshardbroom · 06/04/2010 10:50

"i don't see the problem with there being other kids in the house though, if you'd chosen to have 3 or 4 children it would be just the same.... it's an odd thing to comment on"

The thing is, though, the OP & her DP didn't choose to have 3 or 4 kids, did they?

So it's reasonable that her DP might like to come home and just find his OH and their one child.

And it doesn't matter how nice other people's kids are, or how well behaved, they're not your own and you aren't going to feel about them the same way as you would if it was your own 3 or 4 DC.

In fact (and I speak as someone who has 3 of her own on school holiday and running round the house), there's times I would like to come in to a peaceful house myself, and they are all mine!

AnyFucker · 06/04/2010 10:57

OMG, if I was your dp I would hate this constant level of kid-charged activity

I think you are over-compensating...your boy would e fine with maybe one sleepover a week and one aftrnoon to play with friends at your house

You sound like the neighbourhood Old Mother Hubbard (in a nice way...)

I bet the other kids think it's fab they get all this free childcare

I would cut it right back and enjoy time as your own little nuclear family...what is so bad about that ?

You need to give your own child more opportunity to spend time with just you and dp...and also find some ways to entertain himself relatively quietly

But then, I am a bit of a grump and not particularly fond of having other people's kids in my house, especially if it isn't reciprocated

Bumblingbovine · 06/04/2010 11:02

Ddizem? Can I ask why do you only have onne child ? The reason I ask is that I only have one child but it isn't an active choice (early menopause etc) on my part

Your situation is how I would like it to be by the time ds is 9 years old. I LIKE having a lot of children around and would have chosen to have more children if I could. I wouldn't see having all those children round for so long as being a "mug". I would like it and as long as DS was happy would continue to do so.

I would however talk to my dh really honsetly about it. For me it would be as much for my benefit as ds's . I appeciate that a lot of people don't understand this but I prefer a house full of children ot one with just ds and dh in sometimes.

What I am trying to say is if you get something out of this you need to expalin that to your dh. If it really is juts for your ds's benefit then maybe you need to review it if your ds isn't asking fgor friends over al the time

You also need to take your dh's needs into account of course but before that you need to acknowledge to yourself the real reasons you are doing this. Is it just because you feel bad about ds being an only child or do you actually enjoy having other children round?

EccentricaGallumbits · 06/04/2010 11:02

3 times a week i a lot.

on the other hand if he didn't have friends over you and DP would be having to amuse him.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2010 11:05

I don't "get" this "amusing" of kids

I have a DS of 9, and as long as I keep him fed and watered, he mostly amuses himself with just some direction/occasional prompting from me

misshardbroom · 06/04/2010 11:42

yep, I agree with AnyFucker. Although I do understand that could be harder with an only child than if they have siblings. That said, both my boys are out killing each other playing nicely in the garden, but DD is doing her own thing and has been all morning.