Is it supposed to be like this?

[AisieSusie]

sorry, bit of a whine coming up

Am so tired, and I don't know if its really supposed to be like this, or if I am doing something wrong... sorry a bit of a long post, as cant get my thoughts together to work out whats important...

Had my DS1 24 days ago, and i just feel so exhausted, way beyond how I thought i'd feel, and i did think the first few weeks would be pretty shattering.

there might be a few reasons why, but i cant work out whats really making me feel so bad, or what to do about it, but cant carry on like this.

i dont want to miss a moment of these first few weeks, he was a lucky accident & my husband walked out when i refused to get rid of it [husband came back & is doing lots for the baby, but says he doesnt love me anymore, which is like living in hell, but besides the point, sorry not focusing]. we cant agree on a name for the baby [has become v big issue], & am scared he wont ever have one unless i can get my head clear enough.

I had a c-section, could this still be making me feel more tired than the other mums in my nct group? i thought it would be pretty much equalised by now, but i just can't seem to get the energy to do anything, really struggling to hold it together actually. How much could this be because of the csection, it wasn't a crash one, but left me pretty shocked and horrified, as my birth plan of natural water birth went out the window on my due date when they found the baby was breech and back to back, had the c section 48 hrs later, and just couldn't seem to get my head around it. post natal ward was horrible, they forced me to give him formula, didn't take me seriously at all, refused to give pain meds that had already been prescribed for me, and were generally really mean and horrible, and made me feel so incompetent and stupid, i totally lost confidence in myself. took me a week to get him to breast feed again, by that he'd missed all the colustrum and i feel like i didn't do my best for him, at least he back breast feeding now, but it really hurts and am struggling to keep it up.

i think i was right to feel awful about the birth & hospital, but surely i should be over this by now? i think everyone i know thinks i should just get on with it, and get over it and stop dwelling on the past, but i cant and i feel like a failure.

did lose alot of blood, & took iron tablets for the first couple of weeks, but they hurt my stomach & am looking less pasty anyway.

baby is lovely, but wont sleep unless me/ husband is holding / joggling him, which means i am not getting hardly any sleep. he wants feeding every 2 hrs, and then cries if we put him down in between. he looks like he stomach is hurting/ has wind, i don't know if this is colic or not. i end up just holding him all the time, and my arms ache, and stomach aches where he keeps kicking me, and am just so tired. am cosleeping to try and get some sleep, but he won't even let me put him on the bed next to me, and am scared of rolling on him anyway. when my husband takes the baby for a couple of hours i wake up freaking out cos i dont know where the baby is, or think i've put the duvet on him or something.

Should i be trying to make him sleep in his moses basket, or doing something?

so please tell me, what can i do, i don't know how to get through this... is this how its supposed to be?

This my love is how it is for most of us.

I actually lost misplaced a 4 day old ds3.....only in the house and he was safe?? on the top bunk.

Your dh is a twat.

You sweetheart will feel better soon.

Little steps at a time.

When you look back you will only remeber the haziest of things.

Babies get better when they start to smile and do stuff.

I think you need to pop back and see your GP and ask him/her to check your iron levels. It takes about 3 months for the reserves to get back to 'normal' so you may still be anaemic. Have you spoken to your health visitor? You do sound like you have a little post natal depression aswell. Birth's rarely go as plan, there's nothing that can be done about this, there's no cause and it certainly isn't you that has made things the way they are.
The 2 hour feeding is normal, it happens about 3 times when they have a growth spurt. Do you have a friend/family that can come and help you?

I think youve had a totally shit time ending with major surgery and perhaps a visit to the GP might help you too.

It sounds like due to a combination of things you are going through hell.

Some people get lucky when having a baby...you haven't.

Don't compare yourself to what other people are going through, or how they are coping.

Don't expect to have got over the birth so soon...it can take a while, and you may want to consider counciling.

Have you tried swaddling your baby? And giving a dummy? I know lots of people don't like dummies, but it might be worth a try with your baby.Tehn he might be able to sleep in the moses basket. (try putting an itme of your clothing in there with him so he can smell you) Some boy babies do tend to be clingy, and hungry so can be extra hard work.(They are worth it in the end, though )

And IT DOES GET EASIER, I promise.

Oh AisieSusie, big hugs. That is a lot to be dealing with. Is your health visitor nice? It really sounds like you could do with some extra support. You could also try your local sure start centre, they have been fantastic in my experience.

I wouldn't worry about the baby's sleeping - just do anything, literally anything you need to do to get yourself through this. And co-sleeping isn't the end of the world anyway, it makes breastfeeding a hell of a lot easier and you get to cuddle up to your baby.

If breastfeeding hurts (do you mean your nipples or are you still having afterpains etc) you may need some more help with that - it shouldn't hurt past the first 10-20 seconds of latching on.

You will get through this I promise - and it sounds like you would cope better without your husband around. Have you got any family or friends who could come and help you? Do you think he might be willing to move out? I appreciate it must be hard for you to think about this.

WRT the name issue, the birth has to be registered within 42 days of the baby being born, so you have got a couple of weeks to decide. But TBH, if you really hate the name you choose, you can always change it later, up to age 1 I think with least hassle.

Sorry I don't know if my post has been that helpful but didn't want to read and run.

Sweetheart, you sound exhausted. I am sure others will be along to give you more practical advice but just wanted to say that it sounds like you have had a really rough time and you should absolutely NOT feel like a failure. Please please give yourself a break (mentally even if physically isn't possible right now). x

just a couple of practical things - if you can afford it try getting floradix form health food shop as much more digestible than iron tablets.

DS v v premature and never breast fed one drop. Very healthy and athletic four year old with no higher illness rate than any other child. Don't feel guilty/a failure about something which is done now (and particularly not for something that wasn't your fault).

"i think everyone i know thinks i should just get on with it, and get over it" - you have no idea I guess what they're tjhinking so:
a) don't waste time imagining problems - life will throw you more than enough problmes to deal with no need to deal with imaginary ones too!
b) who cares what they think - it isn't happening to them!

Good luck

It is totally exhausting with a newborn and it sounds like you had a terrible time, also having the problems with dh can't help.

Perhaps the baby does not like to go down because it does have wind, try massaging his tummy if it looks sore and massaging the ball of his foot ( i think left) apparently helps them to fart. A sling is also great to help them get rid of wind .

I think it's like that for most of people.
For me, first 6 weeks were a nightmare.
It gets better and better after that.
They feed all the time at first, every two hours sounds about right.
Don't worry about colostrum, he'll get tons of good stuff from bm.
On the other hand, if they were really horrible in the hospital, maybe writing a complaint letter would make you feel better? I would, definitely,because it's not right.
Your husband is a twat, sorry.
Will he move out as soon as you can manage with the baby on your own? It must be hell for you.
It's hard to tell if you have PND- frankly, going through traumatic birth experience and hospital stay, having to share space with your husband it those circmstances and finally being severely sleep-deprived...it would make anyone depressed.
Also, my dcs hated being anywhere but with me ALL the time for the first few weeks, but then started sleeping for short periods in their cot, then it was a mix of co-sleeping and cot, then just cot...it will get better.
Hang in there.

You've had a really hard time - through your pregnancy with the stress of your dh's shitty behaviour - with the birth (it's completely normal to still feel angry / upset that you didn't get the birth you wanted, and that you had such poor treatment on the ward. I'm still upset / angry about my similar experience, 19 months on!) and now with an unusually clingy baby.

I'm not suprised you're feeling tired and down.

Swaddling is a good idea to try - it will make your ds feel as if he is still being cuddled when you put him down.

Have you tried breast feeding lying down? This might give you a chance for a rest while he feeds, and also means when he falls asleep at the end of his feed, he's actually lying on the bed already so you don't have to put him down.

Congratulations on your lovely baby

Things will get better in time. Honestly!

Oh goodness you've had a hard time. I don't know whether or not this is how it's supposed to be but I do know it's usually harder than you can imagine beforehand.

Your hospital experience does sound awful- I think having a baby can be pretty shocking experience however they come out and what you need most at this time is kindness and support. If you feel like the hospital failed you, it might help at some point to write to them and ask for an explanation. I think you have enough on your plate right now though so maybe you could do that in a few months when you and DS are settled in. 26 days is not a long time at all, there's no need to feel like you should be 'over it' by now. It takes some women months and even years to come to terms with their birth experiences. I doubt anyone feels like you should just get on with it, they'd have to be pretty hard hearted to feel that way! If you start a new post about your birth experiences you'll find a lot of support on MN.

You have done fantastically well to manage to breastfeed despite such a difficult start. You should be very proud of yourself and there is definately no need to feel like you didn't do your best. Breastfeeding is really hard for the first few weeks, it takes most people 6-8 weeks to get into their stride. If you're having a hard time, you need help & support. Try one of the bf helplines, they were always really lovely and knowledgable when I (frequently) rang in tears!

For now, take paracetamol if it is hurting, take care to latch DS on well and rest when you can. Easier said than done, especially if you are on pins. Do you have any family or friends that could help out, maybe take DS for a stroll whilst you have a brew/ lie down?

Your DS has no idea that he doesn't have a name and couldn't care less. He is getting food, love and warmth from you and that is all he will ever need. I know plenty of people that took their time to name their DCs, it can be so hard to decide.

Your situation with your husband sounds really hard. No advice, just sympathy. It's hard enough adjusting to life with a new baby without having relationship difficulties to deal with too.

Are you feeding lying down? DS might be more accepting of being next to you if he's attached by the nipple. If you're worried about safety, there are loads of resources online and the BF helplines will be able to advise also.

Finally, if you are really struggling to cope, you could always try speaking to your GP/ midwife or HV. It's normal to feel overwhelmed and exhausted and out of your depth with a new baby, but if it doesn't settle down or you start to feel very anxious do ask for help.

The first few weeks can be tough but it will get better. Wishing you all the best

Having a C-Section is Major surgery and it was 3 weeks ago so you will not only have to deal with the newborn stage you NEED to recover from this surgery.

See if your local NCT branch has a C-Section support group.

I had two and I was more tired than the 'proper' birth.

Have just re-read your first post and I think you need to talk your birth through with someone, that and the after care you didn't receive.I would be seriously hacked off if they refused to give you the pain meds that you had been prescribed, see if you can get hold of someone in the patient liason group as that sounds a horrible way of treating you.I had meds for a good two weeks after.

You need to talk it over as it is obviously playing on your mind.

"I should be over this by now" - WTF? Your baby is only 24 days old !!

Do you have health visitor, friend, anyone you can talk to who will actually support you? Your DH is just going to fuck with your head but that has to be put to one side right now.

Can you get some Floradix or other liquid iron, it is not so harsh on your stomach and can get your iron up quickly.

You need to see a sympathetic health professional about possible Post natal depression. Also make an appointment to go over your birth notes - it helps get things in perspective and you can decide if there was incompetence.

If your baby has colic it just has to be managed. Get him checked over to be sure, but the advice re swaddling and dummies is good, also a baby sling to save your poor arms. He may be a sensitive soul that just needs comfort and calm more than most. Look after yourself and you will have patience to look after him.

There are organisations out there to help- do phone them. Sorry I don't have links but should be in your pregnancy pack. or perhaps someone else will post them up?

Sounds like you're having a really tough time .

My DS did not like being put down at all when he was first born - the first couple of weeks passed by in a haze of either me or DH holding him, rocking him in the chair etc. He would seem to be in a deep sleep, but would start to yell the second we tried to put him down. Still remember the first time he slept alone in his pram for half an hour as being a major landmark. From there, he graduated to sleeping in his cradle, sometimes sleeping right through the night! He's now nearly 20 weeks and fast asleep in his own cot - wouldn't have believed it either in the first few weeks!! Think he just gradually adjusted to having been born and being separate from me IYSWIM.

In terms of feeding, 'fraid every two hours seems to be about standard at this stage based on my experiences and those of other mums in my nct and breastfeeding groups. It really does get better though and the time between feeds will start to increase as the length of the feeds decreases. I also found feeding whilst lying down an absolute godsend in those first few weeks. I think it sounds like you've done brilliantly to establish feeding despite the complete lack of support you got in hospital.

I really hope that things get better for you soon and congrats on your new arrival .

Oh MY!!!

Thats not a whinge!

There are so many "issues" to be addresed in your post, your poor head must be spinning! Your method of having your baby was taken from your control, the postnatal care removed it further

I agree with the posters who say more Iron for you! If at all possible get yourself to Boots, they sell floradix but they also sell spatone which is currently on 3 for 2! Breastmilk contains iron, so your levels will take a bit longer to come up ( very well done on the feeding front btw ) I would also suggest some pregnancy / breastfeeding vitamins personally I like the solgar ones because they don't upset my stomach.

Regarding poss colicky/sore tummy, At around a month none of my babies were able to cope with my let down, it was way too fast for them, their solution was to pull back off the breast slightly ( which made b/feeding painful) and all the gulping to swallow such " fast food" meant they took in air with it. I found it helped loads to take them off as soon as the 1st letdown had ended
and wind them, and then put the back on for the rest of the feed.

I am assuming from your post that it is the baby who won't allow himself to be put down next to you on the bed? as opposed to your husband not allowing you? Can you try laying your ds on the bed and feeding him to sleep in that position? Once he's asleep he may drop off the boob. ( put a plastic shower curtain or something similar under your bottom sheet to avoid problems from leaky nappies/ vom / squirting milk going onto the mattress)

Contact the bfn / lll / any breastfeeding group local to you and ask for help with layingdown feeding - they do home visits!!!

Regarding your husband:

Tell your husband point blank to stop moving the baby while you are asleep, hes messing with your head doing that, its not necessary!

I think you need to decide what you are going to do about your living arrangements.
I realise that you need your husband there to help you while you are feeling so rough, but on the other hand, if its arguments and stress, then you don't need that. Him being around is not better for the child in that situation!

As for the babies name, I could be wrong but I think you can register him yourself!

You are going to be ok! Its lots of little problems, take them one at a time!

Sending you VERY un mumsnetty (((((((hugs)))))

Aisiesusie -

honey you are not having a bit of a whine. You are going through the most life changing, hideous/wonderful rollercoaster of sleep deprived hell on earth. For some people having their first baby is like a johnson and johnson advert but for a lot of us it is the opposite of that. A lot of your post sounds exactly like my experience (especially the feeding/co-sleeping panic in the night where's my baby thing). I developed post natal depression somewhere around the early days, asked a midwife about it and she was not helpful so I shut up and put up and am still coming to terms with it now 2 and a bit years later.

Suggest you look here for some help in assessing how you feel.

If you can, and I know it's really hard, try to put from your mind that it's supposed to be like anything. It is what it is and at the moment it's hell for you. You can and you will get through this, break it down into little bits, take it 1 feed at a time and every time you feel like you're going to pieces repeat the mantra "sleep deprivation is torture" - I'm not being flippant, it is, and at 24 days you are reaching geneva convention breaking point. If other people in your NCT are having an easier time it's because their situations are easier OR it could be that underneath the calm, cool exteriors they are a seething mass of guilt, terror and confusion but don't want to admit it.
Take ANY help that is offered, don't be proud, ASK for help if you feel able. You can and you will get through this, I actually seriously thought I needed to get my baby adopted because I couldn't cope. You are not a failure, you are a version of yourself you have never been until the day your baby was born and I think it's similar to diving into very deep water with no experience of swimming.

And, to second Lynette - it GETS SO MUCH EASIER - bit by bit.

Huge huge hugs xxx

Wow, OP, you did so well getting the breastfeeding going after such a traumatic start. That sort of beginning spells the end of breastfeeding for a lot of people. You should be very proud of yourself.

Honestly, I had the easiest start in the world compared to you; a very loving strong marriage, familial support, the birth I wanted, a supportive hospital, an easy time feeding and bonding and blah blah blah. I had loads of friends with children, had read a lot, was prepared (I thought) for the sleeplessness, etc.

And yet, three weeks in, I was shellshocked about how tricky this whole baby thing was. I was in tears half the time. It was ridiculous. You've had a much, much harder time and you need to be kind to yourself and believe that it will get better.

Do whatever's easiest right now. I'd keep co-sleeping. Swaddling is a good idea too (I did both when mine was tiny; swaddle her but with one arm out, lie her on her side, feed her to sleep in the bed). Do you have a sling? That's the only solution for a clingy baby during the day, IMO. He might protest being put in it for a few minutes but persist and he'll usually drop off to sleep when you walk around.

But really, just, what everyone else said. This is incredibly hard right now, and it seems endless, and it's hard to believe that you'll make it another day let alone another week, but all you can do is take it hour by hour, and it really, really, truly gets better.

You have just had your stomach muscles cut open so every time you sit up it must be really painful. Don't let anyone confuse you this is major surgery and you need 6 weeks to recover.

I used coleif on a couple of my kids it was a lifesaver al though at the time I felt very guilty that it made them sleep so much because I felt I should be doing more. In your situation it sounds like you should be doing less so coleif is good. It breaks down the lactose in the milk and is not a drug all natural.

I would try iron and also sanatogen natal vitamins as they worked wonders for me and gave me so much more energy.

If you could get someone to look after the LO so can sleep or go shopping or do normal things and make you feel human again.

And if all that fails, hold onto the fact that in six months this will all be a distant memory! Baby will be sleeping and hopefully sitting and all the exhaustion you feel will have started to lessen.

Lots of sympathy .

The fact it is hard to make a decision re. baby's name suggests you might be a bit depressed - get thee to the gp.

If you can get hold of a wrap sling (eg Closer/ Moby/ Hugabub), they are fab for new borns who won't be put down - and you will have arms free to read/ do washing up/ make a snack etc.

Ignore what your husband says, you are extremely lovable and doing all that you can for your baby.

You may be feeling down because you can't get enough sleep and your baby is a nightmare and your husband has let you down. This is totally normal. BTW you are doing brilliantly to be breastfeeding at all

My babies are the infants of satan in the early months and fat lovely extremely laid back older babies and toddlers. Your baby will probably be like mine.

Find someone to moan to - your HV, mum, sister, friend. Try spatone for the iron. Put the baby in the sling but adjust it so the little bugger doesn't kick your stomach. Do whatever you can to survive the first 6 weeks - don't worry about putting baby down etc. yet. You are doing brilliantly.

Aisie Susie

You poor love - you have had a horrendous time of it.

As someone else said, I enjoyed my birth experience and had a lovely DH who was totally supportive and at home the whole time with me, plus DD was a brilliant feeder and breastfeeding was a total breeze from the off (we were so lucky!) It was still bloody hard, so can't imagine how you must be feeling.

My DD was very clingy too and wouldn't be put down on her own at all until she was about 8 weeks old. I got through it by carrying her around in a baby bjorn sling (out and about) or a Baba Sling (at home) and then once she was fast asleep putting her down very gently! She wouldn't go in her pram carrycot either, but at about 6 weeks she started to be happy to go in the car seat on the pram wheels, so we just used that.

So I just carried her around the whole time, and she slept in bed on or beside me for teh first two months or so. At that point we tried her in the moses basket and after a couple of goes she went for it.

I think the only way you can get through it is by doing sth similar. Don't worry about setting a pattern - your DS won't be doing the same thing 6 months from now and they do get much more independent. DD quite happily went in a cot in her own room at 6 months and slept pretty much through. I just think when they are really tiny and can't even see/hear properly, they just want to be touching you. Its only for a couple of months or so, and in the grand scheme of things no time at all (though of course it doesn't feel like that at the time as you think you're going to be carrying a baby round for the rest of your life and just getting to next week seems like an impossible task!)

But as everyone says it DOES get easier. Hang in there and best of luck.

You sound like you are having a really shit time of it, and my heart goes out to you.
Just a thought to add to all the other posters, when I came out of hospital they prescribed me ion tablets too. I didn't realise at the time that they were giving me really bad constipation ( just thought it was another marvellous after pain), but it turns out I was passing the iron through my milkto my lo and it was making her colic horrendous.
I changed my iron prescription and after about a week her colic calmed down a lot.
And I have to say that your other half sounds like a total wanker. Sorry.
Other things I have found really, really helpful- the ring sling, gripe water, Guiness (iron AND relaxing- brilliant), and ignoring the advice about putting her on her back- my daughter is a happy baby on her tummy/side, crap on her back.
I am only two weeks further through this rollercoaster than you and you really must trust all the other posters, it really IS starting to get better.
Sending you lots of love and sympathy (and a punch in the mouth for your other half!)

My ds is now nearly 7months old, but in teh first 6 weeks of his life I thought I had been transported to a prisoner of war camp or something. It was hell. He wouldn't sleep unless on us, he cried, he just wanted feeding, I had no idea what he wanted and my husband was/is (!) a bit of a knob. Ds was also an accident and dh used to say "well you wanted him" when I complained of being tired. Actually it isn't tiredness, it is a whole new world of exhaustion.

Go to doctors, go to HV and tell them. It is so normal. Ask for support. Things that helped me was my mum coming and staying one night- she brought him to me to be fed, then she did everything else- wonderful.

Someone taking him out for a walk once a day so I could sleep/shower/sleep etc.

Where abouts are you? I could meet you for a coffee of something. Sorry that might sound a bit weird, I just relate so much to how you are feeling

Hi, I felt the same after my em c section for first few weeks too, confused about way the birth went and completely exhausted - constantly - and our baby is a good sleeper and am lucky to have helpful dh too - you're coping with even more difficult situation on top of recovering from surgery so no wonder you're feeling prettu shitty - try not to give yourself a hard time, am sure your doing amazingly well considering the crap you're goign through.

I physically started to feel stronger at about 5 weeks but even now ds (my first) is 9 weeks old I still feel in shock about having a section, its hard to get your head round, but I feel better about it when I remind myself that he got here safe and that's the only thing that matters, not how he was delivered. Good luck xx