Is it supposed to be like this?

[AisieSusie]

sorry, bit of a whine coming up

Am so tired, and I don't know if its really supposed to be like this, or if I am doing something wrong... sorry a bit of a long post, as cant get my thoughts together to work out whats important...

Had my DS1 24 days ago, and i just feel so exhausted, way beyond how I thought i'd feel, and i did think the first few weeks would be pretty shattering.

there might be a few reasons why, but i cant work out whats really making me feel so bad, or what to do about it, but cant carry on like this.

i dont want to miss a moment of these first few weeks, he was a lucky accident & my husband walked out when i refused to get rid of it [husband came back & is doing lots for the baby, but says he doesnt love me anymore, which is like living in hell, but besides the point, sorry not focusing]. we cant agree on a name for the baby [has become v big issue], & am scared he wont ever have one unless i can get my head clear enough.

I had a c-section, could this still be making me feel more tired than the other mums in my nct group? i thought it would be pretty much equalised by now, but i just can't seem to get the energy to do anything, really struggling to hold it together actually. How much could this be because of the csection, it wasn't a crash one, but left me pretty shocked and horrified, as my birth plan of natural water birth went out the window on my due date when they found the baby was breech and back to back, had the c section 48 hrs later, and just couldn't seem to get my head around it. post natal ward was horrible, they forced me to give him formula, didn't take me seriously at all, refused to give pain meds that had already been prescribed for me, and were generally really mean and horrible, and made me feel so incompetent and stupid, i totally lost confidence in myself. took me a week to get him to breast feed again, by that he'd missed all the colustrum and i feel like i didn't do my best for him, at least he back breast feeding now, but it really hurts and am struggling to keep it up.

i think i was right to feel awful about the birth & hospital, but surely i should be over this by now? i think everyone i know thinks i should just get on with it, and get over it and stop dwelling on the past, but i cant and i feel like a failure.

did lose alot of blood, & took iron tablets for the first couple of weeks, but they hurt my stomach & am looking less pasty anyway.

baby is lovely, but wont sleep unless me/ husband is holding / joggling him, which means i am not getting hardly any sleep. he wants feeding every 2 hrs, and then cries if we put him down in between. he looks like he stomach is hurting/ has wind, i don't know if this is colic or not. i end up just holding him all the time, and my arms ache, and stomach aches where he keeps kicking me, and am just so tired. am cosleeping to try and get some sleep, but he won't even let me put him on the bed next to me, and am scared of rolling on him anyway. when my husband takes the baby for a couple of hours i wake up freaking out cos i dont know where the baby is, or think i've put the duvet on him or something.

Should i be trying to make him sleep in his moses basket, or doing something?

so please tell me, what can i do, i don't know how to get through this... is this how its supposed to be?

just to say thank you all so much for all your really supportive posts, made me feel tearful again - but in relief that there is stuff i can do, and i am not a total idiot for feeling like this.

will reply properly when I get a moment, but just wanted to say thank you, this / you are being a real life line, and a healthy breath of sanity as well I don't really have anyone to tell this stuff to in real life, so am not used to being that honest about how i am feeling, and was such a relief that you were all so nice.

welling up again, so am going now, as am not on my own

thanks.

God you poor thing, I've found it excruciatingly difficult even with a helpful DP! I can't imagine how hard you must be finding it right now.

Someone told me (after my emcs) that it's essentially the same operation as a hysterectomy, and after a hysterectomy you are told not to lift anything more heavy that a stick of butter! Obviously you don't have that option with a baby, but you really have to go easy on yourself.

I second what others have said, it does get easier (am looking over at DD, 3 months, and she is smiling and giggling at me! It's so much easier when they start to react to you, won't be long till you get your first smile!)

Good luck

Aisie when posting I forgot the most important part!!!

It sounds as if you have some trauma associated to the birth and it's now been recognised that birth trauma can have a lasting effect and cause all sorts of problems with regards to bonding etc

I believe there are threads on the subject as well as help and counselling you can get, especially if something has happened such as you have been forced into an op or felt humiliated out of control etc.

I wish I could give you a link which would give you more info on the subject I'm hoping somebody will read this and know what I'm on about

PICK A NAME - PICK ONE TODAY - THIS WILL BE THE FIRST STEP TO GETTING BACK ON TRACK - YES I AM SHOUTING AT YOU!!!

Seriously, little steps, little moments - you may have postnatal depression. Many of us have been there - please choose a name - I really do think it will help you start to make in roads....

You poor love, all that to deal with and no proper support! It's fantastic that you've managed to get breastfeeding started.

I had horrible postnatal ward too (wasn't the Royal Free in London, was it??), and am only just getting over it 3.5 years later. There is some very poor maternity care in this country. It helped me a bit to know the midwives didn't just hate me, but all new mothers. Still don't know why, though.

Then DS was in intensive care from day 3 to about day 10, and they discouraged me from picking him up, and wouldn't let me bf. Made me feel like I was being emotionally dependent for wanting to bf. So like you I had to establish bf-ing late. I count that (in retrospect, was too torn apart at the time), as one of the big achievements of my life. Hope you'll see that soon too.

Aside from all that, I think that most mothers will recognise at least parts of what you're going through. Even the ones who seem to sail through it have bad times. and as you can see from this thread, there are lots of us who don't sail. It's unfortunate if a group like nct class ends up all showing off how well they're doing instead of being honest. Can be lifeline if people feel they can talk about how it really is.

On the co-sleeping, we did this because only way to get some sleep. Also DP is Swedish and it's approved there. We did think about it carefully, though. For example, I wore a thick nightie so that the duvet could be low on the bed and my shoulders and arms sticking out so duvet wasn't on DS. Also we got BabyDan bedsides. Once you've made your own comfortable arrangements then hopefully you can feel confident about whatever sleeping places suit you and your DS best. Within a few weeks you'll be the expert on how your DS sleeps best, how he feeds, and everything else about him. I promise.

I'm putting your thread as "I'm watching" and will be checking back to see how you are. Please keep in touch with us.

(Go on, tell us where your DP works so we can give him a kicking!)

Aisie, good to hear back from you. Am watching too so let us know how you're getting on.
Re the name, it occurred to me that if your DH was enough of a twat to clear off when you 'wouldn't get rid of it', maybe he doesn't deserve to have so much of an input with the name? Maybe if your heart is set on something you should go with that.
Just a thought. Hope you're ok.

Oh you poor thing. You've had a horrific time of it but should be really proud of yourself for getting the BF going again.

Having a newborn is never what mums-to-be imagine. I remember being incredibly disappointed that it wasn't the amazing experience I had been led to believe. I also felt like I had no idea what my baby wanted or why he was crying. There's nothing like major surgery and sleep deprivation to make you feel like you're losing your mind.

The good news is that it does get easier. I found that six weeks and three months were turning points. But I wrote a huge sign over the moses basket stating "It WILL get easier!" to keep me going.

I agree with the others that you should seek some support, either by visiting your GP or talking to your health visitor. Are there any local baby clinics or meetings near you? I know it's hard to even get dressed at the moment but you might find some other mums with 24 day old babies who know exactly what you're going through.

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing a great job looking after your boy. Rest whenever you can - the housework can wait! - and don't be too proud to ask for help.

Just to add - the first 6 weeks with DD were horrific. I had emergency keillands forceps in theatre with lots of longterm damage, 6 days on a sleep depriving postnatal ward with no bladder function and then home to excruciating bf.

As the others have said - get as much support as you can from HV etc, I kept struggling on until I was collapsing and my mw said I had to get someone to help. My DH took an extra week off work as I was not coping at all.

The Birth Trauma Association is really good and has a website. I am now pregnant again and am seeing a psychologist I am still so bothered by DD's birth 16 months ago - it's normal to be badly affected by incredibly intense and stressful childbirth. You have rship stress to cope with daily too so I would be amazed if you weren't feeling overwhelmed.

Be honest with your GP or anyone you trust who can watch for depression with you; you have plenty of reasons to be low and emotionally in pain given your DH's change of heart towrds you - doesn't mean support wouldn't help you work out what YOU want to do.

Thinking of you and things will improve. Take it a few hours at a time and you will get there.

hello there,
i was going to reply to all the really useful advice and thoughts by person, but so many replies i feel slightly overwhelmed, so please know that i wanted to thank/ respond to you personally...

I think you are all right, and made me smile a bit to read my dh is an [insert numerous swear words here], and i think thats behind most of my misery, as i still love him with all my heart, and just don't understand how he can treat me like this. this should be the happiest moment of my life, being with my husband who i love dearly, and having his baby... but to look at him everyday being icily polite to me and making me feel rubbish, and showering love and hugs and kisses on the baby, its all so horrible. then i am angry and snap at my husband, and then feel awful as i am turning into some bitter nagging woman i don't like...

he hasn't treated me very well in the past but has lots of mitigating circumstances, which make it hard to know how to deal with the way he treats me, he comes from a war torn country and even though we are married his visa status isn't secure [had to fight a 2 yr battle to get him any right to stay here as my husband, and now the visa is running out, so we have to do it all over again]. so he is very stressed and miserable, and his family remain in alot of danger, and i am sure he has post traumatic stress, and is generally screwed up, but nothing i can do really helps, cos he needs to help himself.

so i am so stupid, not only am i living with someone who is treating me badly, and couldn't even bring himself to say i love you on the day the baby was born, but i also pay all the bills and rent, and am in debt doing so, not sure how i will pay for the rest of my maternity leave, or pay for child care when i go back to work... and he won't contribute anything i think.

one of the posters said my situation reminded them of theirs - what did you do to make things better?

so anyway, thats a bit more about why i feel so crap. i guess i am probably depressed, and the birth hit me very hard, but not sure what to do about it. A GP would just give me anti-depressants wouldn't they? i am quite scared of going on anti-depressants as have had them a few years ago and was really hard to get off them, and don't want to feel reliant on drugs - i don't know, is that a silly attitude? maybe i should write a birth thread and get support that way, as i am still shocked by the standard of care, and mostly, how it got to me in a way i didn't expect.

have got Spatone, good practical advice thank you!, i didn't know iron took so long to replace in the body.

Asked the health visitor about the baby's colic and she suggested gripe water, but then said i can't use gripe water until he's a few weeks older - so am a bit stumped, may give Colief a go as someone suggested on this thread.

re tiredness, i am trying to sleep more in the day but its quite difficult to balance needing more sleep, with also needing human contact [or just watching some tv] with sleep...

Hello, You are doing brilliantly and in such horrid circumstances. It will get better.

Have a bath in a touch of tee tree oil, this helps heal your C-section scar. Drink lots and lots of fennel tea and camomile tea as this this good for babies with colic, and good for your milk supply.

Try rubbing babies back in long slow firm strockes, up the left side, and down the right, sort of in a oval shape, when they are help up against you. Try putting them quite high on your shoulder with slight pressure on the tummy.

You are doing really really well and hats off to you for getting BF established after a Formula start. That is truly amazing.

Ask for practical help from those around you and say yes to help that is offered. People will be desperate to support you in RL, let them.

Congratulations on your baby and I know you will feel better soon.

GP will listen to you and make an assessment you don't have to take anything you are not comfortable with. What about a homoeopath, would you feel better taking something more natural?

Have you a childrens centre near you. They can be a life line for meeting new mums and doing something each day so it does stretch out infront of you!

Sending you lots and lots of hugs xxxx

Just wanted to add my support. I am so sorry you are having such a rubbish time - as others have said, it does get better. Your experiences in hospital etc sound horrific and I don't think that you should feel you should be over them in just 24 days! Also wanted to repeat how brilliantly you have done for managing to establish breastfeeding after such a rocky start.

I think you can give Infacol from birth for colic.

Do you have a sling? They can be great if you have a baby who doesn't like to be put down. Also read up on safe co-sleeping but you are very unlikely to squish your baby and it can really help with breastfeeding and getting enough sleep - I wish I'd been brave enough to do it from the start (I was anxious about it too).

And congrats on your lovely DS

Our local maternity unit offers a service called something like 'birth memories' where you make an appointment to see a (I think) midwife who goes through your file and talks you through exactly what happened to you while you were in their care. I know ladies who had no idea they had had an epidural til they talked about it afterwards with their DH! So they have had a chance to find out what went on and why they might be feeling so much pain/anger/confusion/whatever. Anyway, thought it might be something the OP might want to consider in a few weeks...can be therapeutic to talk, after all

Sending big hugs, I can so empathise with feeling like it's just all too much...but it does get better

Not read all posts so don't know if I'm repeating but here is my advice;

It's really early days so all you should be worrying about is feeding your baby, feeding yourself and trying to get as much sleep as you can manage. If you do this alot of other issues will sort themselves out.

Don't even get started with "competitive parenting" i.e. how well your other NCT friends are coping, this leads to misery as someone is always coping better and if others are struggling they may cover it up.

It will get easier, it really will, no-one would cope with the newborn phase for longer than a few weeks, which is exactly how long it takes for them to start smiling and sleeping more

My advice is to try to put your other issues on hold until you can give them the attention they deserve.

oh, OP, could have wept reading your post. It is, or can be hellish for the first few weeks, I promise it wont be like this forever.

A difficult birth can play on your mind for ages, I had an emcs and felt very let down, till I had my next child nearly two years older.

As others have said, dont compare yourself to others experiences, all babies are different. Mine was a lot like yours sounds, swaddling and a dummy worked wonders. He started to settle for three or four hours in the night at about five weeks.

I remember sobbing a lot and phoning my best friend and crying saying I had made a terrible mistake having a baby! I can laugh now, it was awful at the time!!

It will get better, when you manage to get four hours sleep in a row, you will feel a lot better, promise xxxx

yes, that sounds just what it's like with a first baby, the exhaustion and sleepless nights are always under-estimated! Every two hours feeding... yes.My firstborn was two hours on the dot day and night, feeding for up to 50 minutes at a time, but she was a big baby when born so ust have been hungier. I remember sitting up in bed breastfeeding her and my head lolling with exhaustion, thinking I cvouldnt possibly survive this, but women's bodies are desgined for exactly this, it's how it's meant to be...

Having said that, my new 9 month old has sleot through the night since day he was born, but he was lower birth weight, smaller belly perhaps, I wonder if there's a connection with birth weight and how often they'll feed as newborn?s

Try and nap during the day when your baby does, I know everyone says this, but you'll be surprised how a power nap can restore your energy levels.

Primarily though, have your iron levels checked again.

OK lets look at some practical things.

Firstly, I can't emphasise how much you need a sling, if your baby wants to be attached to you all the time. It will make things much easier. Are you able to get one?

Secondly, you say ...

"i also pay all the bills and rent, and am in debt doing so, not sure how i will pay for the rest of my maternity leave, or pay for child care when i go back to work"

Have you applied for Child Tax Credit (CTC)/ Working Tax Credit? They've been a real help to us, but we took ages to apply, which was stupid and we lost out on money which would have been a real help at the time. Find out what you're eligible for here

You might also be eligible for £500 from surestart - you get it once you've applied for CTC I think.

When it comes to going back to work, you'll get help with childcare costs too. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but personally, we get 80% of our childcare costs paid, up to a maximum of £175 a week. It has made going back to work part-time doable for me.

Also, are you on a mortgage or renting? If it's a mortgage, your lender might give you mortgage holiday. Lots of them do it, but they don't all advertise it. If you are renting on the other hand could you move somewhere cheaper? Not now obviously! But later, when you're back at work. This might be a totally impractical idea, but just a thought.

Co-sleeping really helped me get a bit more precious sleep! And I think it's helped strengthen my bond with my baby. DP says it's spooky to see us asleep in bed together, we mirror each other when we move, so we must be aware of each other even though we're asleep. Here's some advice on co-sleeping safely

I hope some of that is useful. It sounds like you're having a really tough time, and are coping amazingly well.

One last thing. The idea of getting any time to read anything at the moment probably sounds like a joke! But can I recommend a lovely book which might help give you back a bit of confidence yourself and the brilliant job you are already doing for your baby.
What Mothers Do, especially when it looks like nothing. I have still not managed to read a whole book since DS was born (15mo!) and I used to read a lot. But I dipped into this when I could, and it really cheered me up at times.

AisieSusie, good to hear back from you. I'm going away for a week tomorrow so didn't want to leave you unanswered.

A couple of things spring to mind- firstly that these first few weeks/months are just about you getting back on your feet physically and getting to know your baby, settling in to feeding & sleeping etc. It won't be as physically demanding as it is now forever. A lot of people notice a massive change around the 6-8 week mark, in themselves and their babies. Things start slotting into place a bit more. I know it's a bit grim to put it like this, especially considering the thread title, but maybe just concentrate on heads down and getting through the next few weeks.

Your situation with your husband sounds heartbreaking and so, so complex. I'm not suggesting that counselling is some kind of cure all but do you think it could possibly benefit you as a couple? I think he is treating you cruelly, and being heartless to treat you this way when you need his support most. There's no excuse for his behaviour but maybe if it is related to PST and his family's situation, couples counselling could help him see this and help him change.

You have so much on your plate right now but it might be something to consider for the future.

Do you have good friends or close family nearby to talk to/ to help out practically? I know what you mean about needing human contact to stay sane- maybe someone could come round and take DS for a walk whilst you nap then stay for a brew afterwards?

I think you have pretty much every kind of major life stress going on all at once- finances, relationship, new baby- and any one of those things is enough to send most people into a spin. I think you're amazing just for getting out of bed in the morning and carrying on.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

How's it going, AS?

hi
not sure I can add anything new but just wanted to send (((hugs))). I had a Csection too and although the pain aspect of it was very well managed it does really knock you for six for longer than you think. I also would recommend a wrap sling. we didn't get one until DS was about 2 months old so we missed the bit when it would have been most useful but they are really great and not too expensive (about £30 new or loads on ebay). One of my mum friends went back to work as a childminder 2 weeks after having her DD with the baby in the sling ALL the time. Can't say much about the situation with DP but as far as baby goes, let him sleep on you if thats whats needed, cuddled up next to you in bed is ok if done carefully. Do you have any other family or friends with babies? really helps to just sit with someone else and cry / feed / rock baby. if financial situation is not too dire then forget about that until baby situation eases (and it WILL). And do pick a name, out of hat if necessary