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Original poster

I can't cope with my baby

37 replies

WilloughbyWallaby · 25/03/2010 17:40

DD is 8 weeks and I'm quickly reaching the end of my tether. Last night she woke up every 45mins/hour (the night before was better, she woke at 12, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, but that was still horrendous) and won't nap long enough in the day for me to eat/do a bit of housework/go outside to stay sane as well as sleep. So all in all I'm pretty much running on empty. Today she has been really grumpy and I've found myself thinking, far more often than I'd like to admit, that I wish someone could come and take her away.

It's affecting my relationship with DH (I am cranky and oversensitive, we have massive rows and he doesn't understand how down I am getting) and I feel like I'm going mad.

I've got lots of supportive family and friends, DH is great too, but I still feel like I can't cope.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
WilloughbyWallaby · 25/03/2010 17:42

Forgot to say, we already cosleep; I worry that that is the reason she wakes so much, but I can't get her to sleep on her own.

OP posts:
MrsSawdust · 25/03/2010 17:55

Sorry you're feeling so down.

Could your dh or someone else look after her for a few hours once or twice a week just to give you a chance to catch up on some sleep? If you are bf you can express milk for when you take your break. You say you have supportive friends and family around - use them!

Does your baby want to feed every time she wakes, or could she be waking because she's too cold or hot? How long does she nap for during the day? Being overtired can cause poor sleep at night.

Your baby's sleeping will definitely get better eventually, given time. But I know that won't help you right now!

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get a better night's sleep tonight

roslily · 25/03/2010 18:33

If it helps at all my ds was exactly the same at this age, and gradually his sleep got better. At 6 months he has now been sleeping through for 2 weeks.

But right now you need to take all the help you can. When dh gets home hand over dd get him to take her out and go to sleep. Go or walks in day, even to shops- I used to go to our local co-op every day!

It will get better

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SPBInDisguise · 25/03/2010 18:36

during the day, will she nap in a car seat, i know its not good but you sound despersate

daisy243 · 25/03/2010 19:13

Hi, are you bottle or breast feeding?
Does she have a dummy?
Have you tried swaddling her?
Will she sleep in her pram if you go out?
Babies don't always know how to fall asleep on their own and may need help! My dd was rubbish at sleeping on her own! She slept on my chest at night for the first six weeks. The first time I gave her a dummy (I was so adamant I wouldn't before I had her!) it was like magic....she went to sleep in her moses basket, which was amazing. I spent many hours letting her sleep in my arms watching tv in the day (lovely!) I started to get a routine going at about 17 weeks and putting her down in her cot in the day. Her nights improved when she started crawling at 7 months.
My 2nd dd really liked to be swaddled and would sleep in her basket (lucky me).
This time will pass, it will get better. When I had my first dd adjusting to the total change to my life was really hard. I will admit to thinking "what the f*&k have I done" on more than one occassion.
Have to go and read stories now....best of luck x
Bee

maryz · 25/03/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChynaDoll2006 · 25/03/2010 19:43

Have you thought of trying Babywise? It's like Gina Ford but much more flexible and less strict.

scoutliam · 25/03/2010 19:53

Can you get dh to take her even if it's only for an hour, you need to try and get out of the house without her and just chill. I used to just walk around the block and have a good cry.
The first few months I found absolute hell, as much as I at the same time loved my dd beyond all reason.
There is no such thing in my opinion as "coping" when their that young, you just take one day or one feed or one hour at a time and do the best you can.
It will get easier, honest.
I can guarantee your being to hard on yourself.

mololoko · 25/03/2010 19:55

I vividly remember feeling like this. I used to sob when dh left for work because I didn't know how I'd get through the day. In the end I just took one day at a time and just thought that if I managed 100 more days it would be better and to just get through it one day at a time no matter what. Each day, I just thought, get through today.

At some point I started getting more sleep and it made an incredible difference. I think it took until about 5 months before I felt remotely stable and about 8 months before I got over the exhaustion.

How you are feeling is very, very normal. It honestly does get easier with time.

Sleep whenever you can, get out every day and be kind to yourself.

mololoko · 25/03/2010 19:57

It gets MUCH more rewarding when they start actually doing stuff too.

mololoko · 25/03/2010 19:58

oh yes, and swaddle. dd was swaddled for months and it really helped her sleep.

CarGirl · 25/03/2010 20:00

I would also try a cranial osteopath in case she has a tension headache or similar x

rubyslippers · 25/03/2010 20:01

it's shit - the first few weeks

seriously ...

BUT it does get better

which is no consolation right now

I fed DD to sleep,co-slept and did everything you aren't "meant" to for the first 13 weeks

it is utterly knackering and it is like groundhog day

some days it is ok if "all" you achieve is you are both washed and dressed

also, it is ok if some days you stay in your PJs

it is knackering beyond measure

take every offer of help

at the weekends feed your LO and then send your DH out with her for an hour in the buggy so you can sleep or have a lovely long bath

go to bed with your LO and feed her there all day so you can snooze and feed

do you have a sling? if not, get one. She can sleep in there and you can get a sandwich made - or get your DH to make you a flask of tea before he goes to work and some sarnies. You can then take a picnic out

getting out of the house, whilst probably the last thing you want to do WILL make you feel better and makes the day go quicker

daisy243 · 25/03/2010 20:05

Also try not to argue about who is the most tired ! Me and my dh had many a fight about that. Of course the woman is the most tired but in my experience it wasn't a fight I ever won!!!

HumphreyCobbler · 25/03/2010 20:08

Was just coming on to suggest cranial osteopathy, but see that CarGirl has already done do.

I took my dd on her advice and it helped more than words can say - you never know it might do the same for you.

Undercovamutha · 25/03/2010 20:09

This is the hardest time - in a few months you will have a routine, but for now it is all about survival.

My DD fed constantly, and I am sure this is because she would fall asleep whilst feeding, and then wake up 30 mins later ready to carry on feeding again. Once I managed to break this habit (with the Baby Whisperer EASY routine) things became manageable.

However, don't worry necessarily about reading different techniques, or trying to recreate what others are doing. You can find your own way, but first you need some time out. Include your DH as much as you can, express and get DH to bottle feed every now and again. And leave the house on your own even if it is just for 30 mins. Going to the supermarket on my own at 7am on a saturday morning was the highlight of my week when DD was a newborn. I would inevitable get home 60-90mins later to her crying and DH looking frantic, but they both survived, and it helped me no end.

It's probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but the best advice you will ever get (even though you won't believe it now) is that it doesn't last for ever!

seashore · 25/03/2010 20:15

That's really good advice to try and avoid fighting bout who is most tired. It does get better but I remember in the first few weeks after dd (she never slept till 5 or so in the morning, just cried a lot)that I had ruined my life. Of course I hadn't, it's just a shock how tough it can be, I aimed at just trying to get by, now she is 3yrs and fantastic. Somewhere along the line it just gets easier, you're at the extremely early stage when it's best to just try and not be hard on yourself.

Tinasan · 25/03/2010 20:20

Poor poor you, I really do empathise, when my first was that age I used to fantasise all the time about putting her back inside my tummy - nothing can prepare you for the sheer tiredness and desperation you feel with a difficult first baby like this. If it's any consolation my second was even worse, despite my confidence that it would be different because I was more experienced, so it's not that you're doing anything necessarily 'wrong', some tiny babies are just like this.

It WILL pass as she gets bigger. In the meantime, try some of the good advice that other posters have given - dummy, swaddling, slings etc - something might work really well and give you that little bit of extra sleep that you crave. My second loved the dummy for example, which was a real god-send, but my first would have none of it. Try a bit of a routine (if you are that way inclined) - it didn't work for me or my kids but it does for loads of people. Take every offer of help and make sure you're dh does his bit - I used to have a bath in the evening and he wasn't allowed to appear with the baby for at least 20 mins. God I loved that time on my own with the bathroom door shut. Sorry you are feeling so down but believe me the time will pass and in even just a few weeks time she could be a different baby. Best of luck x

Undercovamutha · 25/03/2010 20:21

Competitive tiredness - its the worst. Doesn't solve anything but I think most couples end up doing it! I find I do it less now that I am less of a martyr, and actually announce to Dh that I am fed up and am going to sleep/having a bath/going out for a bit, rather than silently stewing about how my life is much harder than DH (which it is btw!!!).

DinahRod · 25/03/2010 20:21

Can remember thinking between weeks 3-10 what the hell had I done and if someone offered to have him, they were very welcome!

Firstly, however you are feeding her (bottle it's easy or is breast then express) dh needs to do the 12 & 2 shift Fri and Sat night. He can catch up his sleep on the sofa in the day at the weekend, but it will give you the rest your need to make you feel vaguely human again and make seeing out the rest of the week possible. Sleep deprivation plays with your mind and emotions terribly.

During the day if she's grumpy and won't let put her down, put her in a sling - it can be with dh at the weekend to give you a break. Housework ISN'T important right now but if you feel you must then that's often a practical way of getting round it.

Get out once a day - look at netmums to find out what's near you or google your nearest Surestart centre.

Mine nbs wouldn't settle for very long if they had wind. They were so tired they'd sleep but eventually the discomfort woke them up. Used to wind almost every ounce and then for about 15mins afterwards. Would also 2nd using a dummy and also Infacol to bring up orange flavoured burps.

Other little tricks were putting dh's worn top in their crib so they'd have a comforting smell (not mine as would just think "food"!), propping them on their side if they looked fidgety and uncomfortable on their backs and knowing that about the 11-13 week mark there is a change, maybe stomachs are bigger, I don't know, but they start to sleep that bit longer. You're nearly there.

Tinasan · 25/03/2010 20:22

sorry 'your dh' - my 14 month old still knackers me enough to affect my grammar

TubbyDuffs · 25/03/2010 20:25

IT DOESN'T LAST.

Honestly, I had this with my first DS, he was a kangaroo baby, I had to hold him all the time and couldn't do a damn thing.

I thought I would go mad, but after a few more weeks he started to have decent naps during the day and fell into a really good routine.

Believe me, just get someone in, husband, partner, mum, dad, anyone you can trust to be there for your baby whilst you have a rest.

It might feel like it at the moment, but it doesn't last forever.

I now have three children, so obviously things got better!

Good luck xxx

eleanorsmom · 25/03/2010 20:30

You might have the baby looked at for reflux or some other medical reason for being so uncomfortable. I agree with the swaddling. in addition, if you can cobble together the money, you could hire a night nurse for a week or two. I did that with DD2, who was also a horrendous sleeper, after the third month. It was only for a week but not only did I get caught up on sleep, the nurse also had techniques that I didn't have for helping DD to get to sleep and stay asleep. She was supportive of breastfeeding and would wake me every 4 hours so my supply didn't diminish (although she would use a bottle of expressed milk between if necessary). It was expensive but even now that it's many years past I think it was good value, as I was beginning to understand how parents could get to the shaken baby syndrome stage.

CarGirl · 25/03/2010 20:32

Silent reflux is hideous, been there had the near nervous breakdown! I agree if you've got the money a night nurse sounds invaluable.

Stewierocks · 25/03/2010 20:32

She's only 8 weeks - it will pass. This is early days and she needs the feeding and the cuddles. BUt you need to look after yourself too so sleep whenever she does and get DH to help, or a grandparent, to take her out while you have a break.

Get a sling and wear her around the house
Co sleep
FORGET the housework (get those supportive friends and family to do it)
If necessary don't do anything else but stay in bed.

THe WOnder Weeks is a really useful book and I'm pretty sure 8 weeks is a developmental stage too so probably why she won't settle. But she will honest!