I smacked my DS and feel terrible. How can I be a better parent?

[roseability]

I am going through a tough patch at the moment. My DS, who will be four next month, is going through the usual challenging stages appropiate to his age. Normally I feel I am a good parent but occasionally I lose the plot, get really down and resort to awful parenting

Since christmas I have smacked him a few times and on a couple of those occasions quite hard . Yesterday I shouted at him so ferociously that he said 'mummy you frightened me'

I like to think that my general good parenting i.e. lots of praise, attention and unconditional love, means he won't be damaged and knows I love him. But I want to be better. How can I stop myself resorting to these awful parenting pracitces? It usually coincides with something else going on e.g. a lack of support, PMT and childhood issues (I had an abusive childhood).

I love my kids so much and I just want to enjoy them and be a good mum. I know it is unrealistic to expect to be perfect. I am sure all mums lose their patience, but how do I curb it? I am sure some of you mumsnetters have never smacked or lashed out, how do you manage it?

I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment. Maybe I am taking out on my kids? I feel I need some direction in my life.

you need to stop hitting. you are not perfect you will lose your temper, that is life but you do not need to terrorise your child.

the 'how to talk' book is good to learning coping mechanism

'you don't need to terrorise your child'

I am sinking here. I spend twelve hours a day with these kids, sometimes not seeing a sole. I feel so,so low and just lost it with my ds again because he will not stop tormenting his sister who is ten months

I am shit, so shit and sometimes I feel like I just can't go on.

can you try adn get out more?

Try to think of something you can do very quickly when you feel yourself slipping. I used to find it helped if I walked into the kitchen and put on some music. And made myself a cup of tea. And I used to sing a lot in a very loud voice when I felt dcs getting on my nerves too much.

When ds was having anger management issues I taught him to beat up the duvet.

Feeling guilty about terrorising your children isn't going to help you at all, You already know you want to stop. But some quick positive action might just help.

FFS BariatriacObama. No need to make the OP feel worse than she does already with "you do not need to terrorise your child"

OP: You realise you need to confront the issue which is why you have come here for advice. Im sure you get lots of help and support. I will watch with interest as Im in a similar situation.

I do get out but my ds has been ill this week and the weather hasn't been great. I feel in crisis to be honest. I feel so low and trying to deal with childhood issues. I have a perfect family, a dh and two beautiful kids but I am in danger of messing it all up. I don't deserve this, don't belong here

OP in response to you saying 'I'm sure some of you mumsnetters have never resorted to smacking
I think a more appropriate phrase would be 'I'm sure some of you mumsnetters will not openly admit to resorting to smacking.

I think stopping and taking a breath is the most ideal way.
Not letting it go that far is a good idea, if you're feeling stressed by the kids, you're doijng something important and they're tipping yogart all over your couch/screaming over your phone call/ peeing in the carpet, then just absolutely stop everything you're doing, take a deep breath and THINK for a min of the correct way to deal with it.
I'm going to admit that in the past few days I have smacked my son's hand for tipping his wee filled potty over the floor, am I bad? I don't know, did he do it again? NO.
Controlled smacking is a debatable idea to get into.
But you obvously don't feel right about it and if you're doing it out of anger that's a sure sign that it's a bad thing.
So breath! take a break, then deal with it :-)

You are not shit - you are normal. If you think about it - it is only a recent phenomenon that mums have been all alone to cope with their small children without family help. Only a generation ago we would have lived with/very close to our extended families and things would have been so much easier! As it is we have no one to give the kids to for a few minutes if they are driving us insane.

I dont have any answers im afraid as i get very cross with my DS and have smacked him quite a few times in frustration. I really dont agree with smacking at all, and have read the 'how to talk' book and love it - but the reality is when you are sleep deprived and have no support it is very hard to be a calm loving parent all the time.

I think the going out idea is a good one - just a change of scene, space for him to run about etc.

good luck and dont be too hard on yourself. xx

Also, if you're stressed, had enough, feel like youre about to go mad, shout; 'kids shoes on' I don't care if it's raning, we're going for a walk.
Walks work brilliant for me to beat stress. I chuck my boy in his all terrain pram and power walk down that road, let him go in the park for 20 mins.
When we get back it feels sooo much better :-)
Force yourself to do it no matter how you're feeling, even have a few cans of redbull on hand for these 'we got to get out' times.

Hope that helps, I'm stuck in all time too and a single mum :-p

OP, lots of people feel like you and have done what you have done. You are not a saint, you are not perfect, nobody is. You know that your shouldn't do it, you are trying to change and do things differently, good for you.

One thing that may help is if you just take a few minutes each day to tune in to how you are feeling, notice your breathing, your posture (eg are your shoulders around your ears because you are tense). Learning to meditate can also help get you in a more relaxed state of mind generally. These things take time. What you can do when you feel you are losing it in particular situations is to just walk away and come back a couple of minutes later. And what about sitting down, thinking about things that "trigger" you with DS and then write down alternative things for you to do. E.g. if he doesn't do what you ask after 2 or 3 times of asking (not shouting), then actually go over to him and physically do it with/for him - e.g. shoes on, socks on - not great long term but better than a smack. Distraction also works well. He'll be teasing his sis because he's bored. Maybe ask him to draw you a picture or something.

Oh and I don't think you are terrorising your child - he must know you love him. I shout sometimes, my sons don't like it, nobody does, because it shows a lack of control - both self control and of the situation. But you are taking control here. Good luck. And please do not call yourself names, you are not shit.

I think the bit where you say you have a lack of direction in your life is interesting.

I find that if I have no plans or goals everything seems harder and more grey.

Do you work? Do you have time away from the house on your own? Do you have the chance to do things you enjoy-interests/study?

Do you have a partner or any good family persuits

its teh truth though. i had a shouty hitting mother is it is terrifying.

i have sympathy for you roseability and i don't think you are shit but you do need to find ways of coping when the red mist descends.

i think there is too much 'oh yes everyone hits' on these kind of threads. i don't.

Sorry just realised you have a DH.

Are you taking steps to deal with Childhood issues?

roseability, when I feel myself reaching boiling (and I can sympathise sometimes it cannot take much to reach it),
I tell them to just get out of the room I'm in, until I have calmed down enough too see rationally exactly what and who was wrong in the given situation,
it easy to shout at the oldest for something silly when really its because thyoungest is crying and demanding your attention in the background

I grew up in a house were there was alot of shouting and I think it worries me that I am going to repeat it, so when I do shout I feel even more guilty BUT I do apologise to my children if I have shouted through my own impatience/bad temper

I think the fact that you have posted on here is brilliant, you have recognised it,
you also need to set 10/15 mins away, give your dcs something to occupy themselves and hace a cuppa/read a magazine/ even mn

I think the important thing is not to get bogged down in the guilt because then it is like a vicious circle and never be afraid to apologise and tell your children actually mummy was wrong and shouldn't have done that

IYSWIM

I will admit to have resorted to smacking. Things can easily go out of the window when it's 11pm, niether child will sleep. Child 2 did not sleep the night before either, DH is moody about it all, the dog is going crazy, the cat keeps crying and you don't know know why, the house is a tip...........

When things get too much, breathe, go for a walk. Take the dc with you of you are alone with them. Let them have a run around.

I had a shouty, hitty mother too. She is my best friend. Always has been. If I was scared of her I can't remember it now. So I guess the effect it has on you is down to the indiviual child.

I'm trying to be a less shouty mum as I hate myself for it.

I've been trying very hard to react less, eg yesterday am when we were getting ready for nuresery dd tipped all of her toys out of her baskets in her bedroom. I simply said, "oh dear, we'll have to tidy those up later" and then got on with getting ready (even though I was cross). She did tidy them up with me later in the afternoon and I felt so much happier than if I'd shouted at her.

Walk away or count to ten in your head, if you actually give yourself time to think "what will I achieve by hitting/shouting" then you probably won't do it iyswim.

PlumBumMum, yes, I agree about the apologising - it's just being careful NEVER to blame them for your bad behaviour, even by accident e.g. say "I was cross because I am tired but that doesn't mean it was okay for me to shout at you" as opposed to "I shouted because you wouldn't clean your teeth". It's doubly helpful as when you are helping them cope with their own anger you can say, it's okay to feel angry, you just need to find ways of expressing that you feel bad without shouting/hitting - we're working on this with DS2, nearly 5, at the moment. Didn't work too well when he kicked the car window in anger yesterday, though .

I've had the same experience of being stuck in the house because of the children being ill and there is no doubt that it does wear you down.

It's all very well saying cheerfully 'oh I take my children out regardless of the weather', but that just can't happen if someone is always ill- and as dd's paed pointed out, some children just don't have very good immune systems at this age. My mother still remembers with horror the winter when my brother was ill every week between October and March. He has grown up into a perfectly healthy adult, just a case of what the paed calls a slowly maturing immune system- but I bet my mother was climbing off the walls!

Apart from the tricks mentioned earlier, I have found it has helped me to plan little treats for myself, even tiny ones like reading a nice book in the evening, or eating something nice at the weekend. Something that can keep you going until the end of the day. Oh and if at all possible, make sure that you do get a few hours off at the weekend.

Second Plum, I always apologise if I shout too much.

I also see a difference in shouting "shoes on now" for eg compared with "Why have you done that naughty thing? blah blah". Don't think that a raised voice in the form of an instruction is as bad as it's the negative emotion with the raised voice that is imo probably bad for the child iyswim.

ILoveGregoryHouse Oh yes thats what I mean, I apologise and say I'm sorry when I'm in the wrong,
in the same instance that does not make it ok to continue on as long as you apologise afterwards,
I really think its the recognition that oh shit all I'm doing lately is shouting and no ones happy, thats when you start conciously to make changes,

mine is taking a step back and assessing the situation first and I either tell them to leave the room, or I leave the room

there are some people who shout at their children all the time and never see any wrong in it

Sorry, I wasn't thinking about illness

hi, you need to go and get some sort of outside help for yourself

sometimes adults repeat patterns of behaviour they learned as children. So perhaps one of your ways of dealing with the abuse was being a very angry child. It may even be that something in your son's behaviour is triggering off some pattern of your behaviour that you had as a child but you've carried into adulthood. Or you may just be miserable and your reaction to miserable is that you lash out.

What you need is a 3rd party to point out these behaviours to you and work out why they are happening.

Go and see someone, talk to them and get them to help you.

what I'm saying is that abused children often develop patterns of behaviour that help them survive as children but ultimately, they don't need those patterns as functioning adults iyswim

I have locked myself in the bathroom when I reach boiling point. I splash water on my face and look in the mirror. It sort of makes me look at myself and reassess my options before continuing. I think it also makes the DC curious as to what Mummy is doing.

Good luck - you're not shit. Just normal

foxinsocks
if she does that she will have to be very careful about it.
'I was abused and now I'm hitting my children in anger' Is a sure fine statement to have social services sent in,and I don't they they would be too sympathetic, they'll just want to know how much of a risk you are to your children, it could cause masses of unwanted stress. And even voluntry organizations you speak to could be under strict orders to report you if you admit to smacking, I'm unsure.
Asking the wrong people for help and being too honest can result in you becoming demonised.
Thank god we can all talk in confidence on here without those worries.