I smacked my DS and feel terrible. How can I be a better parent?

[roseability]

I am going through a tough patch at the moment. My DS, who will be four next month, is going through the usual challenging stages appropiate to his age. Normally I feel I am a good parent but occasionally I lose the plot, get really down and resort to awful parenting

Since christmas I have smacked him a few times and on a couple of those occasions quite hard . Yesterday I shouted at him so ferociously that he said 'mummy you frightened me'

I like to think that my general good parenting i.e. lots of praise, attention and unconditional love, means he won't be damaged and knows I love him. But I want to be better. How can I stop myself resorting to these awful parenting pracitces? It usually coincides with something else going on e.g. a lack of support, PMT and childhood issues (I had an abusive childhood).

I love my kids so much and I just want to enjoy them and be a good mum. I know it is unrealistic to expect to be perfect. I am sure all mums lose their patience, but how do I curb it? I am sure some of you mumsnetters have never smacked or lashed out, how do you manage it?

I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment. Maybe I am taking out on my kids? I feel I need some direction in my life.

I am receiving counselling for childhood issues. I am tired, so tired. Will I ever get over it and become a happy, secure adult who can just enjoy her family? I do feel like that sometimes, but only about 50% of the time.

My ds does trigger things. He looks so much like me, and although I know you shouldn't label children, he just reminds me of myself as a child. He was a difficult baby and I had PND when he was born. My DD by comparison looks like daddy and has been such an easy baby. She is every bit a mummy's girl and very attached to me. My ds is very independent and very stubborn. I just find him so difficult sometimes and I worry about our relationship.

I adore him, have bonded with him and absolutely do not love him any less than DD but I find him so much more difficult.

I have spent my whole life trying to be what people expect of me and this is part of the problem. My ds is only at playgroup three days because that is what my MIL approves of. I think we would both benefit from him going 5 days as he won't start school until he is 5.5. We moved to this area to get support from my PIL but they have proved a disappointment. I love my MIL and the support she does provide is invaluable, but she has let me down so much.

I need to take control of my life and work out coping strategies. I do work but I hate my job. I go back in may very part time (one shift a week as a nurse). I need to find a little job that I enjoy

roseability maybe you need to make a point out of doing something really enjoyable with ds and saying to yourself I will not get cross at any thime then give yourself a little reward at the end,

I think the problem is people are afraid to say negative thins about there children for fear of judgement, but if we were all truthful the majority of us go through phases when
we feel like we are shite parents
we fear that we don't have the relationship with our children that we should
and sometimes it feels like it never ends

my dd1 was a very easy baby, but now shes 9 and she can be brilliant and other times I feel like tearing my hair out,
she forgets she has 2 other siblings and the world does not revolve around her,
so this part of her personality I will admit I don't like very much, but I now recognise these times and head them off before it drives me crazy to the point of shouting at her

On the other hand ds is as easy going as they come, and a very easy adorable little boy, but he drives me made because every day is like ground hog day trying to get out the door to school

and well dd2 is a whole other kettle of fish

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, sit down and think
what made you snap today?
what could you have done differently?
and could you have done something before it even started iyswim?

And have just realised this what ILovegregory was saying in her post sorry

(also makes me aware that dd1 is very like me in her tendancies to go on and on)

And I do know it is their children not there

mumto2boys, I don't think whoever she spoke to would have it come out like that. Going to seek out problems with your own behaviour is a positive thing. I'm not saying the statement is 'I was abused therefore I am abusing my children'. I think the statement is 'I was abused and I am struggling with my relationships with other people'.

Roseability, I do so understand how you are feeling. You aren't very happy at the moment and I can see that things are getting on top of you. Children are very good at making those little cracks appear like rather large and gaping holes ;-).

I think if you're feeling like that 50% of the time, you're on the right track. It's hard to recover but you can and certainly one of the ways to do that is to stop being the coper to everyone and stop feeling like you have to prove yourself because you will only set yourself up to fail.

You can only take responsibility for yourself.

I would suggest some anger management too. I did some stuff about 15 years ago and I've never had a problem with anger since then. Learning to step back and count to 10 and take a rather more relaxed view on life will help yourself and everyone around you and those courses are pretty easily accessible.

fwiw, my biggest issue was with the child that reminded me of me too. But you know what? I realised it's because I was harder on his little quirks that reminded me of me and that I was ashamed of (so overt anger, emotion etc.). Try and analyse why you feel that way. You might be surprised that when you work out why, your problem is solved quicker than you think.

and feeling bad and guilty about yourself is one of those horrible drivers to trying to prove yourself to everyone

I know that doesn't disappear overnight but see if you can't find some time where you can be you and do some things that you love.

I'm sure you can work through this and come out the other side but it is quite a lot of work and thinking, but certainly worth doing, especially with the future mental health of your children to consider .

Ironically the pressures we put on ourselves to be perfect parents actually contribute more to the mistakes we make than ensuring we are those paragons.

You are NOT responsible for your children's happiness. You are for your own - really well done for counselling, very positive step to take. Try to pretend you are your own best friend, and see what advice you would give yourself. The better you feel about yourself and your life, the easier you will find dealing with your children.
Try not to take it all too seriously. It's too much. Have a laugh with them/him, put the music on, have an ice cube eating competition - just pratt about really. I think spending some time with ds would be excellent, again not doing very much, just hanging out.

It's bloody hard being a parent, especially if you have low self esteem. Little things become big. You don't ever think you're doing a good enough job, you think everyone else has got it right - well they haven't.

You're doing just fine. You CAN be the mother you want to be. Start believing that.

I have really reached rock bottom

I had to call my dh home from work early last night and then at tea time I snatched a paper aeroplane out of my ds hands and threw it down because he wouldn't eat his tea. He was distraught because it broke . My dh was furious and as I left the room I could hear him say 'what the hell is wrong with her'

I apologised to my ds and found a model helicopter in his art and crafts basket, which I gave to him but I then left the house under pretense of needing fresh air. I actually drove to the top of a hill and wept and felt like ending it all. I came back because I would never leave my children. My dh and I talked and we made the model helicopter with ds, I also glued back together his broken one. I put him to bed and told him how much I loved him.

This morning it all descended into hell again. In depseration I had made up a sweetie jar as bribery, just to get me through today. It made things worse and ds hit his baby sister over the head and made her scream. When I told him off he laughed in my face. I saw red, pulled his trousers down and smacked him twice on the bottom. It was hard enough to leave marks

Oh god how has it come to this. I have a lovely, beautiful family. My ds is challenging but a gorgeous little boy. I am a good parent most of the time and have periods of happiness and contentment. I don't normally shout, smack or bribe. I do lots woth my kids and spend lots of time with them. But every so often I descend into this depressive hell. My ds has been quiet and shy recently and behaving much worse than usual. it is probably because of his psycho mum

I just want tp be happy and enjoy my family, be rid of these childhood demons. I am taking steps. I am going to my GP this morning and I will request help. My counsellor is clearly not doing any good. Please tell me this will get better. I can turn this around and that my ds won't be damaged or hate me

U def need some outside help, admitting that u are finding it difficult to cope is a really good step, going to ur gp for advice on stress/ depression is a really good step too. I've had times where i want to scream but usually have been able to leave the room, have a cry and calm down, as long as he's safe, playing/watching Cbeebies, a godsend at times, dont feel guilty 4 sticking on tv when u need a break. Can u get help from family members? Talk to dh, u say he is understanding but sometimes its hard to admit to if u think u are failing, but def better to make him fully aware how hard u are finding things. Hope feel better soon

Thanks - I try to get outside help but as I said in a revious post, my ILs have been a complete let down despite only living 20 minutes away.Friends always seem too busy with their own lives and I find it hard to admit how poorly I am coping

My family are the major source of my anxiety and depression, so they are no help and I have little contact with them. My dh has a very demanding, high profile job which is long hours. I feel stuck and so alone

I really feel like ending it all sometimes

I have had days of losing my rag like that, its usually pmt for me that triggers it, or being upset about something else.

If you're dc's are at a difficult stage it compounds things.

When they are getting wound up seperate yourself emotionally from it

Don't let their tantrum transfer off onto you. If necessary pick up baby and let ds go for it on his own

believe me if theres no audience it doesn't last half as long and you can calm down

bad behaviour can sometimes be solved with a very stern look and ignoring then you don't have to get so wound up by shouting

Also give yourself a break, stick the tv on or have quiet time all lying down or on the sofa and lsten to the radio / boring classical musiic

please don't feel bad, we all go through feeling like this at sometime or other even if we haven't got past issues

I have had days of losing my rag like that, its usually pmt for me that triggers it, or being upset about something else.

If you're dc's are at a difficult stage it compounds things.

When they are getting wound up seperate yourself emotionally from it

Don't let their tantrum transfer off onto you. If necessary pick up baby and let ds go for it on his own

believe me if theres no audience it doesn't last half as long and you can calm down

bad behaviour can sometimes be solved with a very stern look and ignoring then you don't have to get so wound up by shouting

Also give yourself a break, stick the tv on or have quiet time all lying down or on the sofa and lsten to the radio / boring classical musiic

please don't feel bad, we all go through feeling like this at sometime or other even if we haven't got past issues

oops sorry bout that

roseability if you really feel like that call the samaritans - 08457 90 90 90, it can really help to let it all out

roseability Oh sweetheart I wish I could give you a hug and make you a cuppa.
I think you need to ask your DH to do practical things to help out. Saying 'Out loud to children 'what the hell is wrong with her' isn't helpful. I am famous in my family for my bad temper and they have been very surprised (nephews included who have had to cope with me at times when they were little) I find the following have worked for me.

1. When the kids are hungry and I haven't got dinner on the tableon time or in the middle of something important so food is delayed I say this out loud or to myself ' You are not in Haiti or Zimbawan (add which every country has starving children) and you will be feed today just not right now'
2. The naughty step or corner what ever. This helps me count to ten and gives me a non-smaking solution. I am very firm and stick to it No talking and or looking at the child.
3. When DH is in the house everything is spilt into two. You cook, I entertain children. I do bath, you do story etc...
4. Dinner time is sort of formal in my house at the weekends. (around 5.30 instead of lunchtime.) We do the following we put on Lounge music you know Frank, Bert Andy Williams. We lay the table DH uncorks a bottle we don't touch the food until everyone is sitting. We then all clink glasses (first time we did this DS was about 2 yrs and broke my glass) We Say cheers & instead of grace we do say we are grateful for what we have and a few nice things of the day. I know it sounds very middle england but give it a go. No toys on the table.
5. I don't beleive in multi-tasking. Its a male conspiracy to make women work harder.
6. Make 6.30pm a holy half hour and listen to radio 4 comedy If possible get DH to look after the kids & tidy the kitchen while listening.
7. Go walking in the freash air or countryside good for the soul honest.

Good luck

Sorry for the spelling, bad typo & grammer

great suggestions starbear, I'm going to try those

Thank you prettywhiteguitar I read once that men don't like it when women cry and and just want to be listened to. They prefer practical ways to help their partner. I have held this close to my heart. I have a cleaner house, DS & DH have bonded
Sorry re corner he is in the corner for as long as it takes for us both to calm down. very little chatting after. What did you do wrong? kids says blah say sorry or what ever then move on don't mention it again (unless necessary)

roseability if it helps, these times at home alone with young children are the hardest you will ever experience. It really is shit. You will be fine, you just need a break/bit of sleep/a chat/space. I had CBT a while back and I had to look at how I spent my time. I did nothing for me or that made me feel good. If you can get your DH to take over so you can have even one night a week off out of the house that will help. And it's hard when your youngest is so young, and your DS is so full of beans, but in 6 months time things will be easier, I promise. You just need to get through one step at a time and you need a bit of help. Whereabouts are you?

Its long days stuck in a small house with no help. Not being able to get out due to illnesses and not wanting to spread germs. I am so angry at my ILs - we moved here to be near them and they have been rubbish

Thanks for all the suggestions - my gp is sending out a Family Therapy team to talk to me. It doesn't sound like it will deal with my family issues though

This is the only helpful thing I can think of, and it works for me, as my 'thing' is total mess in all areas of the house. So, I choose an area for them to trash (paints out/ Happyland out/ duvets over table for a tent/ whatever and get them settled, then whizz round and clear/ wipe/ tidy. Then I make a cup of tea.

Try not to think too much about DH's demanding job, I'm pretty sure urs is more demanding, especially if u are depressed/stressed. If he is at work this means he is coping, if looking after ur own kids was a paid job u would probably be signed off 4 stress so make sure he knows how hard things are & that u need help, so that when he is at home u are not still the one coping with everything. Work may be demanding but at end of day it is work & he can get away from it. When i have felt very bad at times in past i have said to myself each day, 'just get thru today, things may seem brighter tomoro' do that every day until it does.

roseability

we dont have a naughty step etc in our house, but we have a front porch and for while I would just say go stand in the porch but honestly this period doesn't last

It seems a life time ago I had to use the porch as a time out

It is tough but I have strict rules before dinner, the dinner table is cleared and nothing to distract from dinner,
I know that was just one eg of when you lost your temper but look back and see what led up to that

Your children need you,
it will get better and you are taking the right steps,
it does get better!!

Just wanted to say you aren't alone, long days in a small house with barely any relief here too and your temper does fray. I have bad PMT which doesn't help (not an issue right now at 33 wks pg, but that makes me tired and ratty too!)

Everyone shouts at their children and a large proportion of us will have smacked, and it's really up to you whether you see it as a problem or not. What I mean is, if you hate smacking and feel out of control and a bad mother for doing so, then yes it's an issue that you need to deal with.

But for loads of us, shouting and the occasional smack from our parents was discipline, growing up. And iirc it was very effective and clear cut. I remember getting a few smacks over the years for very naughty behaviour (like wrenching the cat out of the tree by the tail for a second time having been told off and warned the first time) but I was never scared of my mum other than having a healthy respect for how far she could be pushed.

I think it was easier to be a parent in those days, less minute scrutiny of your every move! These days we all want to be perfect calm parents and in an ideal world where we were all emotionally and practically supported, fulfilled, stress-free and financially secure then I'm sure we all wouldn't sweat the small stuff and could pre-empt every tantrum and keep our kids entertained from sun up to sun down. But that's hardly likely to happen any time soon so we just need to do our best and find coping strategies.

This isn't a disaster. You aren't a disaster. It's a bad patch, and it will get better, with a few adjustments.