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Original poster

Will my DD (13m) be ok without me for 3 days?

48 replies

winnybella · 19/03/2010 21:40

DD is still breastfed 3 times a day ( before daytime nap, before bedtime and often in the middle of the night).

Last few days I wasn't able to bf for 3 days because of the medication I was on and it was quite traumatic for her- especially during the night where DP couldn't calm her down and settle her back to sleep-she cried and cried. Now she very clingy and pushes DP away when I'm with her ( she's fine when they're alone).

So...DP wants to take her to his mum for Easter and I could stay behind and have 3 days kids-free (ds would be with his dad), which I could really use. I haven't slept one whole night in 13 months and spend every day with DD, so it would be great to go to the cinema, see friends for a drink, sleeeeeeep...

But: seeing how she didn't deal very well with lack of bf/comfort during the night would it be cruel to let her go?

I guess I could have put it in Bf topic, but it's less of a technical issue ( my supply's fine, she eats v.well etc) and more of whether she's too young to be without me, especially that she seems to prefer me at the moment to DP?

What would you do?

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Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 22:39

bump

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MrsBadger · 19/03/2010 22:50

hmm

I would go with them, have lie-ins, let dp's mum babysit and go to the cinema with dh

I might also address your everyday balance so d has more tim e with dp and you get a regulae break

BertieBotts · 19/03/2010 22:59

I would be wary, to be honest. I know this is not everyone's view and I might get flamed for saying this (!), but 13 months is prime separation anxiety time and if she does not have as secure an attachment with her Dad as she does with you, then it will probably be too long to be without you at the moment. If you felt uncomfortable about how she reacted to a situation when you couldn't comfort her before, I think that is your instinct telling you something.

I am not saying she should never go anywhere with your DP without you, BTW, just that 3 days in one go, at a prime separation anxiety stage, if her attachment to him is not as secure, being too young to explain to as well, I think it might be too much all in one go. Better to build it up slowly, get her used to being settled by DP in the evenings for example, rather than jumping to 3 days at once.

It is a shame though as it sounds like it would be lovely for you. MrsBadger's suggestions sound like a good compromise if you decide not to do it this time.

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/03/2010 23:04

Hi- I won a place at a conference when ds was 11m and exclusively bf. I was really torn, but decided to go, as we knew he would take ebm from his dad at a push (if I wasn't around!)

I had a fantastic time, and ds (and the other kids) were fine. I think it gave Dh a boost too, to see that he could be "it" and cope! I came back lovely and refreshed and desperate to see my dc. And we carried on bf'ing for another 2 mths (I expressed while away) I'd say try it! Is there any way DH could bring her back to you/ you go to her if it all gets too much? I always had that at the back of my mind: that I could drive back (although 4 hr drive) if it wasn't working.

Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 23:08

MrsBadger- DP's mum lives in a little village where there isn't really anything to do ( I mean it's lovely, but nowhere to go) and she will not babysit as she's quite old and not that well and also much too preoccupied with her house and garden etc.

BertieBotts-I feared as much, but I was trying to tell myself that plenty of people are doing that and DP does spend time with her, it's just that I'm her favourite person at the moment (til she will want to get rid of me to marry her daddy) and I guess bf became such a big part of her routine that she feels really insecure if it's witheld.

Grrr...I was so looking forward. And now DP has promised his mum he'll come with DD and I'll have to go...Not really relevant, but I've seen three biggest spiders in my life in her house in a space of one day. Am arachnophobic as you can guess.

So, really, really, I can't stay and have lovely sleep-ins and nobody wanting my attention for three days?

OP posts:
Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 23:11

Jooly- no, she lives in UK and we're in France!
Thank you for your positive story.
I also thought that if she's out of her environment she might 'forget' a bit about bf, especially if I won't be there iyswim.
Here she knew I was hiding in the bedroom and it must have made it harder for her.

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MaryMotherOfCheeses · 19/03/2010 23:12

Personally I'd start weaning her off the night time feeds as a start. At 13 months, she doesn't need the food and you need your sleep.

Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 23:14

Mary- no, she doesn't need them, but it's been a comfort thing for her. I did think about slowly doing that, but after that 3 day crisis we just had I'm a bit reluctant.
It's just once a night and not every night, so I feel like she's slowly stopping it herself.

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/03/2010 23:16

Ah, yes- France is a BIT far to come! Why don't you try a trial run- you go out to the shops for a few hours (as a duty, of course ) and your DH could try giving her her lunchtime feed ? But I think you might be right, and she would cope if you weren't there. It's also quite nice to have them realise that they hav another parent in daddy.

I hope you get to do it- it sounds like you could use the break, and it might be nice for your DH and MIL, which will make you both rested AND a sainty DIL!

minxofmancunia · 19/03/2010 23:19

i'm with marymotherofcheeses on this one,no need for her to bf at night anymore, if she's got a good diet and is healthy she should be managing without. She's doing it for comfort not food.

try to introduce a comfort toy maybe to help her to self settle. TBH she needs to learn how to do this soon and now might be as good a time as any. And she'll cope just fine.

Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 23:25

I so could use a break, Jooly...Biggest problem, though is nightime and that did not work. DP was trying everything, even stuffing her with bananas and cookies at 3am (he was desperate) and even though she's a little glutton, that didn't make her calm down (well, she ate them, just to go back to wailing pitfully for like an hour and a half and then waking up every hour).

My parents left me at 2m with my grandmother for two weeks to go sailing.

Do our generation just fuss to much?

But poor DD, these 3 days were just horrible for both of us.

But I don't want to give up my lovely sleep-ins and go to the giant spider-infested MIL's house who will fret the entire time about everything and just stress us more.

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MaryMotherOfCheeses · 19/03/2010 23:26

I just typed a long post about all kinds of things then thought no I don't actually know what I'm talking about

Do you want to stick with bf or is this a chance to drop it altogether? Or is it just the night time feed you want to drop?

Original poster
winnybella · 19/03/2010 23:27

Forgive spelling and grammar, am tiiiirrreeeed.

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/03/2010 23:55

I don't know that we fuss too much. I know people will tell you that you have to just let her get on with it, but I understand you feeding her in the night- I always felt it was important to respond to their "needs" (although at 2.3 my ds's "need" for a "jammie dodger" do often go unheeded )

Were you there when your Dp was trying to placate her overnight? On the plus side, it would be good for all of you if your dd learned that your DP was just as good at cuddling as you (although we know that's not quite true ), BUT if you are going to be worrying and anxious all the time she is away it's not going to be much of a break for you- difficult really. I would say that she will probably settle when she realises there is no alternative, but only you know your dd and know if this would be too harsh for her.

mintcandy · 20/03/2010 04:41

For your consolation, I haven't seen a single spider ( here in UK ) for months. I actually mentioned it to DH just the other day.

A random sleepy daddy long legs is all I come across these days. It's not a season for big scary ones and I don't expect it will be different in two weeks time ( it's two weeks till Easter, isn't it ? gosh, time flies )

So one problem solved should you choose to venture across the channel.

Original poster
winnybella · 20/03/2010 10:26

Are you sure? Don't they come out twice a year to mate or something. The leg span on the ones I saw at MIL's was 10 cm at least, I kid you not.
Anyway...Haven't decided yet, will talk it over with DP today.
Hope you're ok mintcandy x

OP posts:
Original poster
winnybella · 21/03/2010 15:36

Hmmm...so now since the three day no bf crisis she has slept through every (3) night.

So maybe she would be ok just with DP. Whenever we went to visit MIL it didn't change her sleeping patterns.

DP just booked the Eurostar for him and DD, couldn't wait any longer as prices are going up daily.

Shit, I don't know what to do.

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mrsjuan · 21/03/2010 15:46

Watching with interest - I have booked to go away for my sister's hen weekend when DD will be 13 months. She is no longer breastfed and can be settled by her dad (not as easy as for me but not too traumatic) but it will be by far the longest she has been apart from me.

Hopefully she will be ok?

jellybeans · 21/03/2010 15:50

I wouldn't. Just wouldn't feel right, didn't leave mine overnight till about 3, no way could have left a baby/toddler for 3 days...Each to their own though.

Original poster
winnybella · 21/03/2010 19:46

jellybeans- I've never left DD up til now, but she'll be 14 m at Easter- not a tiny baby anymore and she would be going with her dad, not some distant relation!

If she'll keep on sleeping through the night I think she'll be ok there, as it's the middle of the night feed that's a problem.

She prefers me to DP when we are all together, but has lovely time when they're alone and even when we're all together she still loves DP tickling her etc, so it's not a very dramatic preference iyswim.

In a way it would be great for me AND for DD as few days alone would let me recharge my batteries, so to speak, and be refreshed and ready for another long stretch of caring for her non-stop.

Also DP til now has been working from home and from next week has rented an office, so I'll have no help whatsoever and a bit of rest would be nice.

Anyone else? Basically I just don't want DD to be traumatised, that's all.

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Original poster
winnybella · 21/03/2010 21:14

bump

would welcome some more views

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QuintessentialShadows · 21/03/2010 21:21

when ds2 was nearly 12 months old, our gp said to us that best gift we could give our baby right now was the gift of learning to sleep through the night without food. It took us one week. Dh would go to him, and settle him, as per GPs instructions, as baby would associate me with a feed, and not settle with me.It worked, and saved my sanity.

Original poster
winnybella · 21/03/2010 21:27

Yes, I wonder if she has slept theough last 3 nights because DP was going to her in the night previous 3 nights.

At 12m she was still waking up few times, but now it's been once- I would take her to bed for a 20m bf and put her her back in her cot.

Anyway, if she will continue to sleep through til Easter ie she won't need me for the night feed, would it be unreasonable to let her go away for 3 days with DP?

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QuintessentialShadows · 21/03/2010 21:28

I think it would be fine. He is her father, not some stranger.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/03/2010 21:39

She won't be traumatised, and yes I think people do fuss too much these days . It sounds like she will do better with her dad when you're not present, so it might give your DP a bit of confidence if he can care for her by himself.