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Parenting

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Original poster

Will my DD (13m) be ok without me for 3 days?

48 replies

winnybella · 19/03/2010 21:40

DD is still breastfed 3 times a day ( before daytime nap, before bedtime and often in the middle of the night).

Last few days I wasn't able to bf for 3 days because of the medication I was on and it was quite traumatic for her- especially during the night where DP couldn't calm her down and settle her back to sleep-she cried and cried. Now she very clingy and pushes DP away when I'm with her ( she's fine when they're alone).

So...DP wants to take her to his mum for Easter and I could stay behind and have 3 days kids-free (ds would be with his dad), which I could really use. I haven't slept one whole night in 13 months and spend every day with DD, so it would be great to go to the cinema, see friends for a drink, sleeeeeeep...

But: seeing how she didn't deal very well with lack of bf/comfort during the night would it be cruel to let her go?

I guess I could have put it in Bf topic, but it's less of a technical issue ( my supply's fine, she eats v.well etc) and more of whether she's too young to be without me, especially that she seems to prefer me at the moment to DP?

What would you do?

OP posts:

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DamsonJam · 21/03/2010 21:50

Winnybella - now that she's been 3 nights in a row without a feed, personally I'd be inclined never to give her a night feed again. With mine, I decided that once they'd shown that they could do without it (and 3 nights was what I considered showing they could do without it), I wasn't going to introduce the idea to them again. So regardless of what you decide to do re. trip, I'd treat the night feeds as though they're a thing of the past and get your DP to go to her during the night for the next week or so if you think your presence might make her decide she wants milk. I'm not saying you won't have some difficult nights, but in my opinion it's worth it to have the night weaning done.

Re. the trip, it's a difficult one! At 13months my (breastfed) DD went away with her Dad (to his Mum's) for about 36 hours and although I was very nervous about it, she was completely fine - it was a total non-issue. In hindsight, she probably would have been fine for 3 days, but I wouldn't have had the courage to leave her for that long at that age. That said, I did leave her for 3 days when she was 18 months (but no longer breastfed) and she was completely fine - again it was a total non-issue despite all my worrying.

Sorry long post without a proper point really - I guess what I'm saying is, she'll probably be fine, it's really about whether you're okay with it or not (and I understand what an agonising decision that is).

Original poster

winnybella · 21/03/2010 22:02

Thanks all.

I THINK she'll be fine, but am worrying, can't help it. Btw, DP is a great dad, so I know he'll take good care of her.

I guess it's just that a lot of people seem to think that the bond between mum and bf baby shouldn't be broken etc- but she only bf 2, max 3 times a day-and some of it is bit halfhearted on her part-and she'll be 14m by Easter...

[Sigh] Just hear her waking up. Will wait a few minutes and see if she'll settle back to sleep.

Anyway,I just don't want her to be disoriented or anxious, I guess, but then isn't it 'out of sight, out of mind' for young children?

OP posts:

GreenMonkies · 21/03/2010 22:03

I am about to have my first child free three nights in just under 7 years. Both my girls are self-weaning (ie, both still bf) and are aged 6½ & 3½. I know they are both old enough not to need me 24/7 now. Neither has night feeds anymore, but having bf for this long and been very AP/co-sleeping/baby-wearing etc I know that their main attachment was with me, and, no matter how much they love their daddy they would be distressed by my absence, especially at bedtime, up until now. I also know that if I had gone away and left them at such a young age as 13 months I would've fretted and worried so much about them that I wouldn't have got much sleep or found it very restful.

But I am not you.

You sound like you desperately want the break and want her to go, and are perhaps hoping she'll wean whilst she's away (don't hold your breath on that one, I've known toddlers be away from their mums for a week and go straight back to the boob as soon as they are reunited!).

Ultimately, do what you feel is right!

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Original poster

winnybella · 21/03/2010 22:17

GreenMonkies no, I don't want to wean her yet, that is whenever she's ready is fine with me. DS weaned himself just before 2, it came about naturally and so far it seems it'll be the same with her.

When she couldn't bf for 3 days because of the meds I was on, it was not a problem during a day and not even at bedtime, just the middle of the night feed that caused her a lot of distress. But now she seems to be sleeping through, so if she keeps on doing this, I'm thinking she'll be fine.

I mean, I'm with her non-stop, she's not at the nursery, we co-slept for a long time etc, but I feel that a few days away with DP shouldn't be traumatic for her.

But then obviously I'm still fretting.

Any other experiences of leaving a young toddler for a short time?

OP posts:

GreenMonkies · 21/03/2010 22:27

Of course you're fretting.

It's what Mothers do.

You'll still be fretting about your children in 20 years time!!

cory · 22/03/2010 07:39

I went away from dd when she was younger than this and from ds at about this age. In our case their bond with their father was certainly strong enough for my absence not to cause any traumas. To us, co-sleeping (which we did intermittently) was as much about establishing a bond with their Dad as with me.

GColdtimer · 22/03/2010 07:54

I left DD1 when she was 14 months for 2 nights (work trip) and she was absolutely fine. Not bf but still very much a mummies girl. It was far worse for me than it was for her.

Honestly it sounds like you could do with the break and she will be with her Dad. In fact, it will probably do them a lot of good. (I broke my leg when DD was 2 and half and spent a week in hospital. It did wonders for the relationship between DD1 and DH but then she was a bit older).

TrinityIsFuckingTrying · 22/03/2010 08:02

I wouldn't do it
I never left mine overnight if they were still feeding, how can they understand that suddenly they cant have you or the comfort they usually have

up to you of course but are you sure you will be able to relax anyway?

Original poster

winnybella · 22/03/2010 09:25

Thanks all.

Good question Trinity. Am already imagining her falling down the stairs etc at MIL's.

Grrr...

And yesterday she fell out of her bed-well sort of-the side that comes down came loose on the bottom and when she kicked it it came away and she slipped down, when I went to see her she was standing on the floor, her top still on the bed, trapped under the side- thank God it was loose and moving so there was no danger of her getting stuck and getting strangled iyswim, but it was like these recent horror stories from US that I read about here on MN.

Anyway, she slept the rest of the night with us, so there goes the sleeping through...

I mean, I don't think I would be a horrible mother for letting her go-after all she'll be with her dad, and she's not a newborn, there's plenty things that interest her now, not just the breast, so maybe she would have a lovely time with dp and mil.

OP posts:

GreenMonkies · 22/03/2010 14:23

winnybella I think you are going to have to toss a coin and see which way it falls.

Heads; she goes & you stay

Tails; you both go.

See which way it lands and go with your reaction to the result. ie; if it lands on Tails and you are gutted, then don't go. If it lands on Tails and you're relieved, then go. And so on, do you follow me?

You sounds completely torn, (as I would be at this stage/age) so the only way is to do something which prompts a direct gut reaction from you.

Good luck!!

midori1999 · 22/03/2010 14:45

If she is with you all the time, I think it will do both yourself and your DD to have a break from each other so you both learn DD can manage, and in fact, be fine, without you.

I have left all my children overnight from a young age with relatives (my Grandmother usually) and even left them for the occasional week whilst DH and I went on holiday abroad alone. They are now aged 13,9 and 6 and all extremely happy, secure, well adjusted independant and loving children. I have a wondeful relationship with them and we have never had a tear at first day of nursery or school or any other time I have left them.

I also have friends who have never left their children and when they have to, for whatever reason, it has led to huge distress for the child.

scoutliam · 22/03/2010 15:16

Let her go! She's going to be with her dad, you're not abandoning her to the wolves.
They'll have a great time both getting spoilt rotten by his mum and you'll get some of this thing you call ?sleep?.
I think I remember this thing you speak of.
Seriously, don't feel bad for wanting/needing time for yourself.
My dd is 5 months old and I plan on leaving her with dh for two nights in Aug to go home to see family, he's really looking forward to it. I on the other hand may well be on here looking for reassurance from you.

Original poster

winnybella · 22/03/2010 16:07

I guess you're right.

I guess she was so upset before because she knew I was next door. At MIL's there will be so many distractions...

scoutliam- will update how it went.

OP posts:

xandrarama · 22/03/2010 17:12

I left DD for 4 nights when she was 13 months old (and still bf-ing) to attend a wedding overseas. She stayed with her dad, and my MIL came to help out. DD was fine - she is generally okay with being settled by someone other than me, when I am clearly not around. It's only when she knows I'm there and then her dad or someone else comes in that she protests.

I loved having the time away - and then coming home to DD was wonderful too. I think yours will be okay without you, and will enjoy the excitement of the trip with her dad. You deserve a break. Take it, and enjoy it!

cranbury · 22/03/2010 17:13

IMO the time to leave them is when you can leave them, explain what is going on, and sort of understand. Left DD for 1 night when she was 18 months, 2 nights when she was 2, and 3 nights in hospital when she was 2.5 years old. Will do similar with my second.

Can't you try one night first?

Original poster

winnybella · 22/03/2010 17:46

Good to hear it was ok xandrarama

cranbury- no, I can't as MIL is in UK and us in France, so it doesn't make sense for DP to go for just a day.

OP posts:

Original poster

winnybella · 22/03/2010 20:12

Right, I think I'm going to let them go without me.
I am not sure it's the kindest thing I can do for my daughter (I mean, I think she'll be perfectly fine) but, frankly, I am, if I may say so, a good mum every single day and I deserve to have a bit of me time. I would never leave a newborn or a small baby, but at 14m surely it's not cruelty.
WHOLE night slept, cinema, drinks with friends,just doing NOTHING at 3 pm...I would be mad to let such opportunity pass me by.

OP posts:

Lovethesea · 24/03/2010 21:22

I'd say go - she's managing now without the nightfeed, your DP sounds very committed to settling her if she is upset and she will probably love the adventure. She will be with her Daddy and I think your feeling that she will be less upset than when she knows you are near but not coming to her is right. You also need your sleep/rest and she will pick up resentment/fatigue if you do go with them and get no real break.

I left DD with DH while I went away overnight when she was 12 months, and I am away this weekend coming for 2 nights now she is 16 months. DD is not bf anymore and has been sleeping through the night from very young (teething and other exceptions apply of course).

Both times it was to see friends who I hardly ever see due to distance who were getting married. I've no close friends or family for hundreds of miles and I really needed the space. I'm pregnant with number 2 and will have to be away when DD is 19months in hospital for a c-section - so at least 2-3 nights.

Whelk · 24/03/2010 21:48

I think it will give her and her dad a good chance to bond.

Whelk · 24/03/2010 21:51

For those who have never left their dcs, what did you do when having subsequent dcs?

GreenMonkies · 25/03/2010 12:06

DD2 was born at home...... DD1 went to bed as normal, and woke the next morning to find DD2 had arrived in the night. Easy!

Original poster

winnybella · 25/03/2010 12:11

Well, she didn't sleep through the night two days ago and did last night, so still a bit patchy...

I know she'll be fine, but can't help worrying.

They'll take Eurostar, then it's an hour drive to MIL's house. Of course I'm imagining car crashes, her falling down the stairs there, they ocassionally get vipers...

I know, I know, totally paranoid.

OP posts:

GreenMonkies · 25/03/2010 12:12

Oh, and DD1 was almost 3 when DD2 was born, so even if I had needed to go to hospital she would have been old enough to understand what was going on etc.

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