Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

leaving 4 years between children

30 replies

stoplookingattheexercisebike · 10/03/2010 08:58

I have one DD aged 3. We would really really love to have another child, but this year is going to be a nightmare, we are closing our business and moving countries, so that involves moving house/job/friends etc etc, and i cannot contemplate being pregnant while going through all that. I want to enjoy my second pregnancy, and that means being settled in our new home. But, this means that DD will be at least 4 before we have a second child, and this gap is worrying me. Can anyone reassure me that this will not be too much of a gap please...? or should i just get on with it.....?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bouncingblueberries · 10/03/2010 09:06

I'm currently pregnant with dc2 and dc1 will be 4 years 3 months when dc2 is born. So no, I personally don't think it will be a problem. I did want a closer age gap and agonised over it for a long time as the age gap between my dc widened, but seeing how other friends have struggled to cope with small age gaps, I'm now sure that for us, 4 years is the best age gap we could have hoped for.

Also, I think a lot of emphasis is put on having a small age gap, but it doesn't suit all families and it's not a magical formula for a perfect family.

Do what you feel is best in your heart for your family and you'll not go far wrong imho.

ArthurPewty · 10/03/2010 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lilmissmummy · 10/03/2010 09:09

There is 4 years between my ds(8, 9 next month) and dd (5)and the age gap is perfect,ds started school the same year as dd was born so there wasnt any sibling rivalry and ds was sooo protective of his baby sister. They now play nicely together and are the best of friends without being too reliant on each other.

It is a great age gap and I am sure it will work perfectly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

ShrinkingViolet · 10/03/2010 09:12

I have 4 year gaps twice, and it's worked great for us - everyone has ot make compromises though, adn sometimes the elder DDs "have" to play Barbies with DD3. But I have babysitting on tap now that DD1 is 16 .
Do what seems right for your family - I reckon it's very dependant on the personalities of the DC as to whether the older on(s) can be patient with the smaller one(s), and the younger ones don't mind hanging around for the big ones to finish whatever activity they're at.

ArthurPewty · 10/03/2010 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BessieBoots · 10/03/2010 09:22

I have 4.4 years between my DSs, and I like it. Because DS1 was older, it meant he was in school full time when his bro' was born- I have all day to spoil DS2, and by the time DS1 comes home I can have some time with him.
I am also able to explain to DS1 what's happening- when I was pg, he was involved, and I can tell him how much I love him still and what a wonderful sibling he is etc.

Also, There is 4years+ between my big sister and I, and we have a wonderful relationship- It feels like no gap at all, and we did play with each other when we were little.

Good luck! x

happystory · 10/03/2010 10:06

There is almost exactly 4 years between ds and dd. It's worked very well. You can deal with the different stages quite separately and when she was tiny, ds was able to entertain himself quite a bit and was at preschool a few mornings a week. By the time she was 1 he was at school so I had her to myself during the day.

It worked for us and now at 14 and 18 they are very close

kittens · 10/03/2010 10:14

I have a 4.5 year gap between my DDs and its perfect. DD1 was very settled and secure when DD2 came along and she started school when DD2 was 2 months old so I had all day to spend with DD2. DD2 has been to all the playgroups and activites for children her age which wouldn't happen if the children are closer in age. DD2 has made all her own friends rather than playing with older children so she is n't growing up too fast - I have seen this with some of my friends second children. DD1 and DD2 love each other to bits and really look after each other which again is great. I'm really pleased that we had the large age gap as we had no problems of jealousy, one of my friends can't leave her 2 year old alone with her baby as he keeps attacking her, the last time his Dad was in the room but just looked away.

princessmel · 10/03/2010 10:25

I have a 2.5 yr gap between ds1 and dd and then a 3yr 10m gap between dd and ds2. It's working out great so far. Dd has just started full time school and so I have the whole day with ds2. He can sleep and feed on me as mcuh as he wants/needs without me having to do things for the others. Plus naps seems to fall into place with school runs and the shese mean trips out of the house for ds2 and me.
Weekends are slightly more challenging when dh is working.

But ds1 and dd adore ds2 and will sit with him while I shower, read to him, sing to him, pas me nappies etc. It's lovely actually.

I used to nanny for a boy who was 6 years older than ds1 and it was lovely. He was young wnough to play ds1 type games (lego, cars, pirates)but old enough to watch out for him a bit at the playground (if i was on the other side with dd)
Ds1 and ds2 will have the same 6 yr gap and I am glad

We wanted this gap. Had a full on year the year before and I didn't want to be pregnant then. Plus now dd and ds1 are 4 and 7 they share a room very well. It would have been very different if they'd had to share at a younger age.

Mrsicycold · 10/03/2010 20:57

Life got in the way for us also, I have a 7 year gap, which was unintended, but is absolutely wonderful. DD (7) and DS (6mths) adore each other, my dd is a wonderful help, shows no signs of jealousy as DS has lots of special smiles for her. I get lots of time with DS when DD is at school, and lots of time with DD when DS naps. I am so glad it worked out this way for me. Its lovely to start from scratch again and to share this experience with dd. Good luck

AnyFucker · 10/03/2010 21:06

I have a 4.5 year gap between my two

It worked for us

My first was in school when 2nd was born, so meant I could devote all day to baby, happily hand baby over to DH in the evenings and spend time with the eldest.

There are no right and wrongs, tbh

You have to do what works for your family

When they were 8 and 4, that was quite hard as they were sooo different

But now they are 14 and 10, they are growing closer again. My 14 yo dd is maturing and seeing her little brother can be quite good company.

Oblomov · 10/03/2010 21:18

4.8 between ds1 and ds2. ds1 started reception in the sept. ds2 born in the oct.
at first i didn't think i could cope with a second child, although we always wanted one. then i had a mc. adn then before you knoew it there was 4 yrs diff. funny how it can creeep up on you, unless you delib choose to have a 9mth or 1.5 yr age difference.
has been great. dropped ds at school and had all day with ds2. great age gap.
pro's and con's of all age gaps.
why are you worried ?

Oblomov · 10/03/2010 21:21

similar age gap as leonie. similar boys with toys. and unlike her i wouldn't change a thing.
mine adore eachother totally. no sibling rivarly. ds1 begged for a brother.

ArthurPewty · 10/03/2010 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

stoplookingattheexercisebike · 11/03/2010 07:34

wow, that's made me feel sooo much better. thank you all. I never intended to leave such a gap, but as MrsIcyCold said, "life just got in the way!". My DD is great, and I have enjoyed every minute of her first 3 years, so, from a selfish point of view, I I see the positives in being able to enjoy both 0-3 years on their own. However, my worry was that they would not grow up as close as they would if there was 2 years difference, and I feel as though I have taken that away from DD. I can see though, that it depends on the children, and I think my DD would thrive on being "my little helper"! Thank you to all, I shall stop worrying about it, and concentrate on getting through this year, and then hopefully start TTC towards Christmas.....

OP posts:

Oblomov · 11/03/2010 08:07

i have all that to come leonie.
interesting what anyfucker said about 4 yrs throughout the years. i mean they grow apart and then closer.
I was thinking that at say 10, or 14, ds1 would resent this little limpet always there when his mates came round.
I had 2 older brothers, 3 yrs and 5 yrs older. and there was always this little voice "and me. and me"
Imagined that ds1 would hate it at some point.

Guadalupe · 11/03/2010 08:14

I have four and five years between my three dcs. It's a bit spread out I suppose but its also been quite relaxed and they all get on most of the time.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 11/03/2010 08:16

I really think this depends on the personality of the children. There is a 4 yr 8mnth gap between my DC's, which by coincidence is exactly the same as between me and my brother. In both cases it is girl, followed by boy. Me and my brother used to fight really badly but my two get on pretty well. But there is a completely different combination of personalties in both cases.

The only thing I don't like is that Inhave 5 school years between them so in our system here they will never be in the same school together. There are only 4 school years between my brother and I and the school system was different so Mum did have us in the same school for a bit which I think made life that bit easier.

Bonsoir · 11/03/2010 08:34

It really doesn't matter what age gap you have from the point of view of the children - either they have the personalities to be friends or they don't, and the way you parent them will make a massive difference to their ability to get on. Age has little to do with it.

My DSS1 was born in 1995, DSS2 in 1997 and DD in 2004. They all three get on like a house on fire.

Morloth · 11/03/2010 12:04

We deliberately left at least 4 years (starting trying after DS started Reception). I couldn't bear the thought of a two toddlers/two babies.

There will be 6 years between DS1 and DS2. DH pointed out the other day that we have subconsciously followed both of our families with this. There are 5 years (roughly) between all of my siblings and there are 6 years between DH and SIL.

My sisters all have widely spaced children as well.

Works just fine IME - I am close to all my sisters and DH and SIL are very close.

SusieCarmichael · 11/03/2010 12:09

i don't have a second dc yet but i'm anticipating dd being around 6 by the time we have another. i did this purposly despite friends telling me i was wrong.

i liked enjoying dd on her own and will be able to enjoy a new baby while dd is at school, and dd is going to love having a new baby, she is 4 at the moment and has started asking for a sister (i'm not allowed to give her a brother ) for us it is the right thing i feel

skinsl · 11/03/2010 12:10

looking at it from another pov... there are 4 years between my sister and I and we are best friends.

BarbaMamma · 11/03/2010 12:14

There are 5 years between my twins and my new baby. So far it works great - there's no jealousy going on and they are really helpful and love being big brothers.

I wanted it this way, mainly because I had two in one go so had to get them under control first! But also I've seen the struggles of friends who had two kids in two years and found it really hard to juggle

There are nearly 8 years between me and my younger brother, and we still get on brilliantly. Just go with the flow and try for another when the time is right - it will work itself out.

ShinyAndNew · 11/03/2010 12:16

There are almost four years between dd1 and dd2 and they get on great. Plus as an added benefit the odler the sibling the more they can help. Which ime they love doing.

Dd1 is very protective of dd2, and very helpfull towards her too. Yesterday she spent much of her time in the park helping dd2 climb the steps to the 'big slide'. It has also helped her have an awareness and respect for those smaller than her. It wasn't just dd2 she helped yesterday. She offered a baby in a buggy a bit of her bread to feed the ducks with and showed him how to tear it into pieces small enough and she helped another toddler go down the slide as she didn't dare go down on her own

I have two younger sisters. One is two years younger than me, the other four years. It is the youngest I get on with most. Not for any reason other our personalities are more closely matched.

fidelma · 11/03/2010 22:01

I have a 2,3,and4 year gap I have enjoyed the 3 year gap the most (so far) but I think it depends on the children.

Flip

1 2