Tell me about how second babies are easier than the first

[MamaLazarou]

DS is 6 weeks old, and I'd like to get cracking on #2 right away (as I'm already on a career break, and getting a bit old - it took us 2 yrs to conceive DS). DH is not keen - it was a difficult pregnancy and birth, and we have found it quite tough. He wonders how on Earth we'd cope with two, but isn't the second one supposed to be easier?

Hmm, think it depends on the first! Our first was a dream baby, 2nd is a little more, em, challenging!

On a slightly different point, I would give your body a little more time to recover tbh - DS1 was 7mths when I conceived DS2 and I found the whole pg incredibly hard. And the age gap is a struggle too.

Your hormones are also all over the place - I was sooooo broody after DS2 was born and it lasted for about 3 mths. I still am keen to have another one (although probably won't ) so bear that in mind.

2nd isn't easier, but parents have probably developed more strategies by then! And are less likely to worry. Or are just too tired to care...

it is easier in some respects but harder in others

if you have good sleepers then this is a huge bonus and makes the whole parenting lark a lot easier

DD is 20 weeks and up twice per night for a feed (still) and DS wakes at around 6/6.30 am so basically i get NO sleep

It's a personality thing IMO. DS2 is soooo much easier than DS1 was. Provided he is fed and changed and not tired he is a happy little chap. He actually likes the baby gym, various baby toys etc and is easily amused as only 18 weeks.

DS1 was, and still is, a challenge. To put it mildly.

I think I'd be lying if I told you that.

The 2nd pregnancy was physically much tougher. DC1 was hugely adversely affected by new arrival. DC2 is a placid and affectionate little boy - with a talent for always finding the one thing he really shouldn't be doing.

I wouldn't be without the two of them - but easier? No.

I agree with spongebrain - give your body a bit more time if you can, especially if you're getting on a bit. I had my two at 39 and 40 - they are 14 months apart and I really should have left it longer. DS2 not the easiest baby, and two under two for 10 months was hard work. We hadn't exactly planned the 2nd pg , and had had some troubles conceiving first time round (Clomid), so don't assume that you will take as long to conceive again - you could end up pg at the first pop!

All that said, a small age gap is great, IMHO. They are 3 and 4 now and the very best of pals, into the same things and really look out for each other.

i don't find life with 2 children that much harder tbh. but i have 2.4 yrs between mine and ds1 is quite independent and helpful. he was also potty trained and used to walking a lot before ds2 arrived. these things helped me.

things that are easier (imo):

bf
being sure of your decisions/feeling like you know what you're doing
being prepared for how it changes your life
recovery after birth - because i had to look after ds1 and i had no stitches
night feeding - i guess i'm just used to it now

things that are harder:

pg - i hated 2nd pgnancy, ms is awful with a toddler
you can't sleep in the day (unless your older child still naps)
feeling like you get no time to yourself.

i think it can be common for people who took a while to conceive 1st time, to fall quickly 2nd time.

oops it sounds like i'm bragging in that 1st paragraph i'm not but trying to illustrate the things which make my life easier.

hth

each baby/chil is an individual so it's really hard to say definately that it will be easier or harder.

ds 2 is very different from ds 1.

ds 1 screamed for 12 weeks (6 day and night and 6 just the day)
ds 2 was a dream of a baby, calm b/f well and co-slept.

ds 1 was a wonderful 2 year old
ds 2 has turned into a very challenging child at 2 and is far more exhausting than ds 1 was.

ds 1 hit all the usual developmental milestones
ds 2 was months behind in everyway which made being heavily pregnant with a non-walking toddler very tiring.
ds 2 didn't walk till a couple of weeks before ds 3 was born.

practically I found going from 1-2 children far more difficult than 2-3. I have a gap of 3.5 years between ds 1 and 2 and 20 months between ds 2 and 3 so have done both the big and small gap.

ds 3 b/f well but it was hard to go out with a toddler so I stopped at 3 months.

All very helpful so far, thank you all.

I think my body has recovered well from the first pg. Considering I had PGP throughout and a long birth with lots of stitches.

Our little boy is a very sweet, easy-going chap. DH says that this means the second one will be a horror!

The comment about pg being tough if the first one's not walking yet was very thought-provoking. I was exhausted by wk 30 and can imagine how much worse it would be having to carry a toddler around as well.

I don't think I'm still hormonal - sadly I had to give up bf-ing after 3 weeks.

Mama, I didn't bf for long at all, but still got that urge to reproduse after ds was born. Didn't do it then, but now he is 3.7 I am entering the third trimester and have found pg so much harder this time. Had hyperemesis for 4 mths and couldn't look after him. Now I am well, but SO tired. Can't sleep with leg cramps, then he is up at 6.30.

DOn't mean to put you off, but give it till he is 6 mths at least. Ds was an easy baby, but a hard toddler.

just to say don't assume it will take 2 years again to conceive no.2 - it took us nearly 3 years to conceive DD, with the help of fertility drugs in the end. When she was 15 months we decided to start trying again, thinking it would take ages, and I got pregnant the first month! There will be a 2 year gap, which I think is the minimum I would want to be honest. DD is reasonably independent in a lot of things but still in nappies etc.

2nd time round pregnancy has been exhausting, and I feel guilty for not being able to carry DD anymore or throw her around like I used to - so I imagine it would be even harder if she wasn't even walking yet!

It is easier having your second in that you have more idea of what you are doing. You know what your views are on routines, breastfeeding, weaning ...(any other topic for parenting squabbles.)

I was very anxious with my first and that was tiring. My second has been a lot easier as I have worried less.

I think it would be a mistake to try to concieve so soon. Babies are hard at around a year when they are teething and mobile.

I enjoy your new baby.

Mama, I had PGP from 20wks with DS1 - it kicked in at SEVEN weeks with DS2, and DS1 was only 8 1/2 mths old by that stage so nowhere near walking .

I agree with the hormones - I didn't bf DS2 but still felt very broody for ages. It's not all down to bf.

I'm not suggesting you wait for ages, but perhaps just a few months more.

I'm another one who took 5 yrs and 3 rounds of IVF to have No 1 and conceived without trying (hence the mad age gap) No 2.

oh btw ds 3 is 7 months and I am VERY broody for dc 4!! I'm not b/f anymore either.

my second was NOT easier.
my first was a totally chilled, laidback little bundle of love. I used to actually sit around most of the day thinking "hmmm, what shall i do now? oh ok, i'll cuddle the sleeping baby again"

i totally didn't get why people said the first few weeks were hell.

then came ds2! OMG! he was just awful as a baby. he just cried, and cried, and cried and cried and never slept, and cried for hours and hours during the night and didn't sleep, and cried.... you get my drift? lol
it was horrendous and i nearly died of no-sleep

oh and now he is older he is just lovely! but he's bloody naughty too lol

What devilsadvocate said, basically...not so much about the personality of the dcs (both mine v different but both relatively easy babies), so much as having enough of a gap to make the first one a bit more independant before committing yourself to the next.

DS was 2.5 when DD was born, fully toilet trained and generally v involved and helpful. He was/is a fairly demanding PFB and I found having a 2nd dc really improved things as she has provided him with the company he was always looking for...from about 6 weeks or so, he was happy playing quietly in his room if she was chilling out nearby on her playmat.

So that's been a lot easier - I'd say we probably get more time to read papers now that the 2 of them play nicely on Sunday mornings

Overall pluses:

• confidence
• confidence
• confidence
• knowing that everything passes in time

Minuses:
2nd pregnancy (now onto my 3rd....even worse)
2nd childbirth (don't believe the hype - 2nd was just as bad and long as 1st)
Weight gain, weight loss
Even less sleep.

Give yourself and your dh time to relax, get to know and enjoy your lovely new baby before starting on the next one. I don't know anyone who has had 2 under 2 who hasn't found it immensely challenging, let along 2 just under/over 1.

Haven't read all the replies, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating stuff. I don't think that the second baby is easier exactly, it's just that you know what to do, and also you appreciate just how VERY MUCH harder it is dealing with a toddler than with a new born baby who sleeps all the time and can be toted around all over the place with no trouble at all! When I had no.2 I looked back in wonder at how hard I had found it first time around (in retrospect I realised that DD1 had been a v easy baby!) thinking that if I had just one newborn I'd be like a lady who lunched - out and about all over the place seeing friends, happy and free, sleeping whenever the baby napped etc. But I didn't have just a newborn baby, I had a 2 yr old too.

Yes, the second baby seems easy, but coping with a (nice easy) newborn together with a toddler is NOT!! Same when I had no.3 - he was a little dream, but in conjunction with 2 yr old and 4 yr old it was all v hard.

I'd wait a bit. If you got pg right away now you'd only have approx 11 months between them. I had a friend who has that age gap between her little ones (an accident) and it was seriously hard work. From the point of view of your health i think you should wait 6 months to allow your body to replenish nutrient reserves etc

I found looking after one baby a lot easier than a baby and a toddler to be honest. BUT if it took you 2 years the first time and you are getting old (your description!) then probably best to get cracking fairly soon.

Just read the other replies and i had the same experience as thisisyesterday re first baby easy as pie and second, utter nightmare! But don't let that put you off!

The second baby might be easier (mine was) but looking after two children is exponentially harder than looking after one. It is much more physically demanding (you can't necessarily sleep during the day, you tend to be running around all the time - I used to breastfeed walking around behind my toddler). The housework increases massively and having two children wanting your attention is very stressful. I found that all the things that are enjoyable with one child become hard work with two. The year after my first was born was the best year of my life; the year after my second was born was the hardest. It is hard to understand the difference until you have lived it.

Also, you can't tell anything about your dc's personality at 6 weeks. My ds was an easy baby but a truly terrible toddler.

Obviously, you have good reasons to want to try sooner rather than later, but I wouldn't kid yourself that it will be easier. If you are very lucky it won't be too much harder. And if your dh is not keen than he might resent the extra workload when it hits (mine certainly does, despite adoring his dcs).

I totally agree with tryingtoleave. In fact I am relieved to see someone else who felt the same. my first year with DD1 was an utter joy, my first year with DD2 was quite a struggle. I did not have the time and space to enjoy it.

Let yourself enjoy your first baby. Don't detract from the magic of this first year by felling yourself with pregnancy hormones and getting all sick and tired and then having to worry about juggling two.

I am 36 wks with dc2. Dd will be 28 months when baby arrives. I should not have read this thread! Is baby and toddler easier/better than pregnant and toddler? Cos it has been hard this time, more tired and achey and can't just sit down or sleep when I want.

Liz79 - I found the last month or so of pregnancy absolutely the worst with both no.2 and no.3 and in some ways it was definitely easier once the baby arrived, although in other ways much harder!. None the less it was a huge relief actually to have the baby and no longer be pregnant, I felt much better in myself.