Would you smack your child in front of someone else?

[ChocolateHelps]

I took my 2 girls to a new friends for tea after school last week. Our 2 eldest are the same age in different reception classes. I don't know the mum that well but always thought she was very nice and thought be nice to get to know her a bit better. Had heard she finds her eldest difficult at times &/or she is a difficult child but hadn't thought anything of it.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the eldest daughter got smacked at least twice during the afternoon (taken thru by the arm into another room, definite thwack), then put in the downstairs loo to calm down, not allowed back at the table for the rest of her dinner and no pudding. The mum also said "sometimes she really pisses me off" to which my daughter replied "I'm not pissing you off am i?" ....she'd not heard that particular word before but I was quite impressed how quickly she used it straight away and in context! we had a quick chat about rude words at home later

Anyway, I was a bit rabbit in the headlights when all this was going on and didn't say anything to the mum. My daughter took it all in and it was the first thing she told daddy about in the morning "X's mummy hit her"

I'm far from perfect and often get really cross and shout, but I never smack and I always say sorry when I've crossed a line and have hurt my daughters feelings.

I don't want to be a busy body but i can't help feeling this mum needs help, either she's depressed or ill or something going on as the eldest girl wasn't being outrageous, just a bit bored, IMO, and playing up cos had friends over.

Should I say nothing, speak to the mum or what?

lol @ your dd and you pride in her use of language

Damn, can't be arsed to revert back to usual name. But fwiw I would ask her to refrain from smacking her dd in front of your kids. It's not something you do and you don't really want your children to witness a physical punishment like that.

In the same breath you can invite the dd over to yours to give the mum a bit of space.

I think the question whether you would smack your child in front of someone else is irrelevant.

The issue is that she doesn't sound in control, not because she smacked her daughter, some people use physical punishment as a form of discipline but because of the way you have described things. She smacked her daughter on two occasions, she pulled her by the arm and she swore it sounds as if she was finding it very hard to keep control.

If you want to help I would say to her "you seemed really stressed the other day, is there anything I can do to help?" and leave it at that.

i think you should just mind your own personally

I agree with thedollshouse. I wouldn't mind betting that if you criticise her parenting it'll just be the last you ever hear from her. Especially as you're not good friends.

She does sounds like she's struggling though and it would be nice if you could help in some way.

Thank you for replying, and so quickly too!

Of to school pick up in 10mins, feel much happier about the idea of bumping into her now as i just didn't know what i was going to do/say. i like dollshouse idea, at least i can acknowledge it and try and be of some help and saves me from either pretending i didn't see her (can't do that till july!) or going in with both feet and saying something clumsy & or being a do gooder oaf.

I did similar with my dd in front of a friend. Well, tried to get a dress off her and smacked her on the arm to get her to calm down and let me. Might have said something similar swearing-wise - I swear a lot. I was v stressed, as dd is not normally difficult and I was hungry/bla bla. i knew I just needed to get her alone too - which I then did, and she immediately calmed. I apologised to dd, as this mother may well have done tbh.

I was a bit about it, but a bit shocked when friend brought it up on a girl's night out in front of everyone, I think with a bit of schadenfreude ('I was shocked that Adair hit her dd'). The others rallied to my defense and I didn't really know what to say (I don't 'believe' in smacking as a technique at all).

BUT it then triggered me realising that it is not on to be that out of control and stressed and got me some help. So yes, it might piss her off too - but worth saying anyway (in the vein of 'gosh, you seemed really stressed out the other day, can I do anything?' as suggested).

I wish you luck in speaking to her, but you should be ready for the possiblity that she may take offense, no matter how diplomatic and non-judgy you strive to be. Even if you don't refer directly to the smacking.

Or maybe not of course I don't know her I just mean, you can't rule out that she will get defensive and it will sort of backfire and make things awkward. Can still see why you want to say something, though.

i would never smack my child behind closed doors or in front of anyone. that would make me feel physically sick to do so. i probably wouldnt say anything to your friend as she will probably just go on the defence. all you can do is hope she follows your example and sees there are other ways of dicipline other than violence.

I smacked my DD in front of my homestart volunteer. She had not responded to any of the general techniques, was hurting her sister, and after warning, she was given a smack.

I have never smacked and would never smack.

I have also walked out of the room when in the company of someone threatening to smack his daughter. He was utterly out of control and had pretty much goaded her into a position where it was obviously going to end up in her getting smacked. No way am I going to be party to that.

I wouldn't let my children see another child getting hit by an adult either.

You were at her house. Smacking is not illegal. You either suck it up or don't go there again. Any other interference would be reprehensible.

And fwiw, I bet your dd has heard loads of language at school.

If someone smacked their child in front of me I would speak my mind, and then leave

no excuse for hitting other people, particularly not very small other people

it disgusts me tbh and would make friendship impossible

plus if it was a "definite thwack" it was hard enough to leave a red mark and therefore that mother is breaking the law and committing assault

Speaking up is not 'reprehensible' whatever house she's in.

Hitting children is reprehensible.

I don't ever smack my 7y DD, never have done and never intend too. I don't agree with smacking anyone, including children. I have never considered any action worthy of hitting.

So, in that sense no - I would never hit my child in front of anyone.

I would also never swear at my child, and again no, never in front of people.

My discipline with DD has been non smacking and non swearing, and generally non shouting. I have used time out, speaking firmly, removing treats, etc. I would feel happy using all of these discpline measures in front of others.

I agree 100% with Greensleeves - there is no excuse for hitting your child. Ever.

Agree also that she sounds very stressed and it would be nice to offer to help her in some way. I'd struggle with this though tbh as I'd be so furious about the hitting.

Just let it be or you are being exactly what you say you dont want to be - a busybody. Smacking is not necessarily wrong for a lot of people. You have no idea of what the child is like to live with or how the discipline works in that house. You dont know that they hadnt discussed behaviour prior to your arrival, with a warning that she would be smacked for doing x or y. You have no idea of what happened in the kitchen. Maybe the child hit the mum, or maybe the mum hit her own leg (as I have in anger when arguing with dd1).

To be honest I would be more concerned with a parent I suspected of smacking but who made sure she hid it from everybody. I dont smack as a general rule, but would if need arises. I was smacked as a child and have no problems with it.

You dont know that they hadnt discussed behaviour prior to your arrival, with a warning that she would be smacked for doing x or y.

What? Is this a common scenario? If so, it just demonstrates the stupidity of smacking. The threat is obviously not effective in preventing the child from doing x or y, is it.

Cant see how it demonstrates the stupidity of smacking Carmen. We will never know if it worked as we will never know if said child does the behaviour again after a smack.

'the smack' it should be.

Ah, so in your scenario, for the first time ever, for reasons known entirely to her, the mother decided to threaten a smack while her friend was present.

The child, unaware of what a smack was having never had one decided it didn't sound too bad so played up anyway.

Then got a smack and maybe never did it again.

Right, that sounds plausible.