Would you smack your child in front of someone else?

[ChocolateHelps]

I took my 2 girls to a new friends for tea after school last week. Our 2 eldest are the same age in different reception classes. I don't know the mum that well but always thought she was very nice and thought be nice to get to know her a bit better. Had heard she finds her eldest difficult at times &/or she is a difficult child but hadn't thought anything of it.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the eldest daughter got smacked at least twice during the afternoon (taken thru by the arm into another room, definite thwack), then put in the downstairs loo to calm down, not allowed back at the table for the rest of her dinner and no pudding. The mum also said "sometimes she really pisses me off" to which my daughter replied "I'm not pissing you off am i?" ....she'd not heard that particular word before but I was quite impressed how quickly she used it straight away and in context! we had a quick chat about rude words at home later

Anyway, I was a bit rabbit in the headlights when all this was going on and didn't say anything to the mum. My daughter took it all in and it was the first thing she told daddy about in the morning "X's mummy hit her"

I'm far from perfect and often get really cross and shout, but I never smack and I always say sorry when I've crossed a line and have hurt my daughters feelings.

I don't want to be a busy body but i can't help feeling this mum needs help, either she's depressed or ill or something going on as the eldest girl wasn't being outrageous, just a bit bored, IMO, and playing up cos had friends over.

Should I say nothing, speak to the mum or what?

i hate these thread, poor woman cannot even have a right to reply. let's all judge her without her knowledge.

Carmen - read my previous post. I never suggested that this smack was the first smack - in fact I said that it may be an acceptable form of punishment in that house. What I said is that the child may have been warned prior to meal that x behaviour would result in a smack - and maybe she did x behaviour and it did result in a smack. And we will never know if the smacking works for that child. I know when I was smacked I never repeated the specific behaviour again, but stupidly did other things resulting in another smack.

I agree that its more insidious if the smacking goes on behind closed doors.

I have a friend who believes very firmly in speaking to her DC in front of others exactly as she would were there no one around. She has no compunction in remonstrating strongly with them eg whilst we are waiting at the school gates for school to open. Lots of other parents raise their eyebrows at this, but you know I say good on her as she is being the most honest.

Smacking is very emotive but as said before its an individual parent's choice how they discipline their child. My father verbally abused me as a child as well as smacking and occasionally hitting. I personally found the verbal abuse far, far worse.

I don't smack my kids but I wouldn't interfere in another's parenting choices on this unless it was extreme and the child was at risk.

I'm with CarmenSanDiego - there's really no excuse for smacking at all as far as I can see - it's not particularly judgmental to argue that using force against someone a lot smaller and weaker than oneself is a pretty immoral way to make one's point. I have a friend who smacks - her Mum used to hit her severely, she has depression - I've told her (tactfully) I think she would benefit from GP's support etc and she's getting it. Saying something to her was incredibly awkward but she actually seemed pleased to be able to talk about it - not sure if that would be the reaction in OP's case.

If the child is familiar with being smacked and knows that x behaviour will lead to a smack but still does x then smacking clearly doesn't work.

I would very much hope that someone who thought that this was the right thing to do for their children that they wouldn't hide it.

I worry less about the people who do it in public and worry more about the people who do it in private.

Carmen - are you deliberately trying not to understand. Smacking is working if x behaviour is not repeated surely. Does what ever punishment behaviour you choose work in advance? If so, do share as I would love to know the miracle punishment. For example I sit my children on a step. But even though we have done it a lot, my threats of 'you will go on the step if you do that again' still often result in the step being used!!! So it didnt work in advance did it. However, the true test is if that behaviour is done again, after the time on the step. Same with smacking - you cant assume that it isnt working for this child as you have no idea of the situation.

I don't use punishment behaviour or issue threats.

There's no miracle way to prevent a child repeating unacceptable behaviours but thoughtful discussions about consequences and acceptability work pretty well over time in my experience.

Carmen - I will leave it there then as i am admitedly a bit at a loss. I dont actually know anybody who does not use any form of punishment or threat (step, taking toys away, removing from room etc) so cannot comment.

Can't justify smacking at all. My mum smacked me once out of sheer terror after I ran into a busy road when I was 3 and felt terrible about it forever after pretty much. As Carmen and many others said there are many other ways to discipline children - firm voice, naughty step, removal of treats. These may seem cruel to those in favour of smacking, but I'm not sure any child was really hurt after spending too long sitting on a step, whereas the potential for people "losing" it once smacking has become a habit is quite high. FWIW, if I was you, OP, I would have to speak to the mum and if she takes offence and writes you off, so be it.

For what it's worth - what Carmen says is right according to behaviourist psychology; issuing threats (let alone violence) of any kind is ineffective because to do so unintentionally reinforces negative behaviour by giving it attention (attention whether negative or positive reinforces behaviours). Therefore long term - reflective discussion, reasoning and rewards for good behaviour are the only real way of trying to shape behaviour in a positive way. Certainly this has been demonstrated in various psychological studies - none of which I have links to at present (I confess I am a trainee psychologist though).....not saying I always succeed with this myself but it does seem to me to be right intuitively.

Or the more generous, rational explanation is that she had three new people in the house, her daughter was playing up, she was emnarrassed and frustrated, and smacked her. Maybe she smacks often, maybe not. Think you should leave well alone - does it really sound like a big child protection issue?

I think it's all a matter of personality. Some people are, by nature, able to stay calm for longer to have discussions and reason with their children, others can't. I don't think you can change that permanently. She does sound very stressed, but then you probably wouldn't smack if you weren't. I wouldn't pull her up on it .. you might get smacked.

I agree with you grumpypants. I think if the op has no reason to assume that the child is being abused (as opposed to a smack on the hand/leg/bum like most of us had growing up when we were very naughty) you should leave well alone.

Obviously if you do have concerns about abuse, if her kids are openly scared or wary of her or unhappy, then that's different. But I think by the fact she did it around you says she has nothing to hide, tbh.

We're all different, live and let live.

In this case, I would offer a playdate to the mum to give her a break and leave it at that. I would not get judgey about how others discipline their dcs.

Mind you, as I was waiting to cross the road tonight, a mum with a maybe 3 yo stood next to me. The lo was in full meltdown tantrum mode and threw herself to the floor. I was feeling very sympathetic to the mum, in a been there, done that kind of way, when the mum slapped her dd across the face!

My sympathy ran out at that point!

Rasputin. i have found that whatever you smack a child for; that child will use it as a example of how to behave so it tends to backfire .

How many times have we seen the "DON'T (accompanied by smack) smack that baby" type of parenting. It's always pointless and silly.

My dad was a schoolteacher who used smacking as a form of control in the classroom (a long time ago)!! He didn't smack us and he knew that it was counter productive in that the same children were always being smacked.