To be over clingy to my DD following her near cot death and to resent MIL

[Gilliana1]

My DD was born after years of trying, multiple IVFs and being told I wouldn't ever have children due to early menopause at aged 30. So she is very special to us.

In December she stopped breathing and turned blue in her cot. She survived (999 and admitted to hospital) but this has left me VERY over protective and clingy to her. I've not managed to be separated from her for more then an a couple of hours since that happened - and then only leaving her with my husband.

My MIL (her first grandchild) is annoying me so much I've started to lie and deny her access to DD by pretending I am out/busy etc. She thinks she knows best about everything and just doesn't seem to get it that this is my daughter and not hers.

Examples:
we went on a rare grocery trip (we dont shop together) a while ago. DD was crying in her pram so I got her out whilst waiting to pay. MIL offered to hold her - great I think - I can pay/pack the shopping. But then she says to DD 'lets go for a little walk shall we' and before I can do or say anything she's walking off with DD out of sight. She returns 5 mins later (I'm waiting otherside of till now) and I'm furious and so angry. Why does she have to walk off? It is like whenever she has contact with DD she wants to take her away from me.

whenever she comes over she says she is going to take DD out for a walk in pram and I can put my feet up. I don't want to put my feet up - she just wants again to take dd away.

MIL has bought cot for her house and says dd would like to spend weekends with her.

MIL also makes a grab for her whenever she arrives and then gets offended that DD cries being carried off away from Mum.. and the more she cries the more MIL says that none of her children ever cried and persists.

OK.. I know I'm over anxious, but my Mum never tries to keep taking DD away.. she comes over... plays at my house etc with her etc.

Only reason I'm still breastfeeding DD is that it is something that MIL cannot do and I feel it gives me some power. Boy, I know that is sad!

I'm beginning to hate her.. help! I don't recognise myself!

I'm sorry you had such a shock the same happened to my dd 4 years ago.
Your MIL sounds like a PITA could you get DH to have a word with her and tell her to back off?

I do feel sorry for you. You do sound very upset by this.

However I think that your MIL is not trying to take your dd away from you, just being a normal loving grandparent. Yes, of course state that your dd is too young to stay as MIL's for the foreseeabe;l future, however I think that just walking off when you are paying, or taking her out for a walk is just normal grandparent stuff which I think you are overreacting about.

I understand with your history why you would be so very protective of your dd, however I do think it would be best for you in the lomng run to let MIL in a bit more. Dislike as you have described is corrosive and from your OP it doesn't seem that your MIL has done anything to deserve such dislike.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL re anxiety you feel re dd? I think possible that may help.

YANBU.

I totally understand how you must feel. I was thinking the other day how I used to hate my MIL pushing my first child in the pram. I would let her at first but then want him back after a few minutes.

Is there anyway you could talk to her and if not, write to her?

Tell her how you want to share the baby but you are very protective of her and would prefer you to just ask if she wants to take the baby out.

Or, just say to her, Oi, bring the baby back now. She could be trying to help by trying to giv you a break but it is no rest if you are just stressing while they are out.'

YANBU. You have had a really tough time and it's natural to feel very protective.Your MIL should do what you feel comfortable with and if this was me I think I would talk to her about why you want the baby to stay close to you. Maybe get dh to do it if you feel that would go down better with your MIL. Even if she disagrees with you, she must respect the fact that it is your baby,so you get to say where she goes and when. I wouldn't want my baby to stay with MIL all weekend either and I haven't had your awful experience.

'Your MIL sounds like a PITA could you get DH to have a word with her and tell her to back off?'

Oh i know, how dare she walk while holding a baby, and wanting to take the baby for a walk, total nightmare.

Infact WTF does she think she is to want a relationship with her GD!

OP - I think tbh you need some help to deal with your fears.

YANBU.

Unfort, some grandparents see grand children as their own children, and forget that they have parents. The strong attachment from your MIL to your DD is lovely, but sounds like she is overstepping the mark. Think you should say something to her, in a non-confrontational way, as Fab suggests (2nd last para, not last!). I would also suggest you mention that your DD has separation anxiety , its a stage, but that taking her away stresses her out. And persisting will only mean DD associates MIL w unhappy times (that should slow her down!). Ignore overnight sleep overs suggestions. Over my dead body is my DD sleeping elsewhere!)

If you don't discuss when calm, you may lose it and say something you didn't quite intend (ie step back, witch, no more visits for you).

If she gives you that "my children never had/did [insert whatever]", ignore, ignore, ignore. Untrue, she just can't remember. Apparently my DH was eating solids and standing up at about 3 months of age, according to my MIL [hmmm]. Sure he was.

Yanbu to feel overprotective after the hard times you have descibed but for your own sake and the sake of your DD you have to take a step back or you will destroy yourself with worry.

I agree with GOML. Maybe you and DD could spend some time with your MIL, together so you would be reassured that she is a trustworthy loving grandma. Maybe you could talk to her about you fears of being separated from your Dd so she would not again take her away without your consent?

Oh gosh, you poor love - i am sorry sorry you had to go through that, how thoroughly terrifying for you.

I totally 100% understand about you not wanting your MIL to take baby, it would probably be less stressful in some ways if it were your mum.

I think you need to do two things - firstly, you, or get your DH to have a word with your MIL - just say that you are still (understandably) shook up by what happened and that you just don't feel comfortable with things just now. If she is reasonable, she will understand and back off.

I think the Cot at her house is unreasonable of her, too young - i wouldnt do it, some people are happy to and later on, im sure you will be glad of the opportunity, but not yet.

Secondly, i hope you take this as intended, i think you need to talk to someone about your anxiety - it is TOTALLY understandable that you should feel like this, however, you need to nip it in the bud. As someone who suffers from anxiety i know how it can spiral and become irrational. You don't have to leave your baby AT ALL, if you don't want to - but as she gets older, she is going to benefit greatly from contact with others and you need to be confident about this. And You need some respite from the worry, its very draining. I would make your first port of call your GP or HV, it is possible that you might be suffering post traumatic stress - hardly surprising. Now, im not saying YABU, you are not - overbearing MIL are irritating at the best of times, its just your anxiety that concerns me. I think its normal and natural, but you can get some help to keep it under control iyswim

My cousins baby stopped breathing, did the whole turning blue, rushed to hospital etc etc - hes 21 YEARS old now and a strapping lad

It is completely understandable that you feel like you never want to leave your DD's side after you came so close to losing her and I am so sorry you went through that. That said I think YAB a teeny bit U with the grocery shopping and her taking DD out for a walk when she visits. It's a normal grandparent thing to do TBH. If it makes you feel any better ask MIL to tell you were she is walking to and how long she will be so you know when to expect her back.
I was very protective over my DS as I felt my Mum was always trying to take over and it got to the point were I didn't want to see her. She is still a PITA but I have learned to chill out a bit and pick my battles carefully.
If your DD cries when your MIL grabs her the minute she walks in take DD back and just tell her not to take it personally and that DD seems to want to be with her Mummy a lot recently. Remember you are the boss Mummy.

I am sorry this happened - must have been terrible. It sounds like you are still in shock really.

But FWIW, YABU. I may have not read it right, but the situation describe makes your MIL sound like normal grandparent. She wants to spend time with her and probably really senses your resistence. Walking away for 5mins in supermarket isnt the end of the world really, nor is taking her for a walk whilst you have a break.

Still BFing just because it gives you control is a bit strange- if thats the only reason.

I can see why you are anxious but I think you should try having some time away from her in short amounts to get you both used to it. Maybe with your mum if you trust her more?

In your shoes I'd be considering the long term and be trying to avoid causing a serious separation anxiety for my DD when it comes to school or nusery.

Agree with Getor- is there anyone who you can chat to about it?

I'm absolutely not surprised you want to have your DD near you after had such a horrible, frightening experience but what you have to remember is that everyone else will have been scared by what happened to her as well, your DH and your MIL and your parents etc etc.

Your MIL is probably trying to be helpful to you, lots of new mums(whether it's their 1st or 5th baby) want some time to put their feet up or do some ironing or have bath without the baby there. I don't think she is trying to take her away from you, she might find playing with baby toys boring and prefers to go for a walk?

Your own Mum probably understands you better and you are probably more comfortable in her company, she has also come to visit you as well as your DD so will want to stay at home whereas when your MIL comes round it sounds as though you have your back up as soon as she comes in and she can probably feel it so wants to go out with DD rather stay if there an atmosphere.

You are so not alone in having a tense relationship with your MIL, you only have to glance at almost any day on here there will be threads about hateful MILs but they are usually, I suspect, only wanting to be involved in their grand children's lives but are making a bit of a hash of it.

Don't be too hard on her, she is only human and might be a bit of annoying one too but she is probably trying to help you.

YABU/YANBU - bit of both really.

You do sound overly anxious and that isn't good for you or DD, but it is totally understandable.

None of the stuff you describe is strange GP behaviour (though the comment about none of her babies crying is a bit snarky).

Hmmm. I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel over-anxious and over-protective, I think that is understandable.

However, from what you have described, your MIL's behaviour does not sound OTT. She is just being a grandmother (part of whose job description is to be a slight pain anyway!).

A couple of gentle alarm bells are ringing for me though when you talk about beeded to have some "power" and not being separated from DD for more than a couple of hours.

How old is DD now? Do you feel over-anxious all of the time?

I ask because I recognise some of the feelings you are describing and I know, with some degree of hindsight, that I had horrible PND and felt that DS was MY responsibility, I had to do everything and I had to stay in absolute control. It was pretty miserable. I feel very alone and yet pushed away any form of help as people, in my view, would simply not do things right. I left DS once with my parents for less than an hour and RAN back from my errand feeling convinced that something would have happened and guilt at how negligent I had been to leave him.

I'm not saying that this is you. But just wondering gently whether this runs a bit deeper? What happened was horrific but perhaps people are just not conscious of the panic you are feeling.

Did you get on well with your MIL before. Have you talked to her? Or anyone about how you are feeling?

It is totally understandable that you don't want to let her out of your sight at the moment - have you tried talking to your MIL about this? Would your DH perhaps talk to her for you? Just explaining that since DD stopped breathing you are just very anxious about her and it would help if, just for now, she didn't go out of your sight with her. It does sound as though you are being over-sensitive and MIL is not trying to take her away, but just doing normal grandparent things.

It could be the case that MIL sees you with the baby all the time, and thinks "Poor DIL, she never gets a break from that baby, I will help" - when this is not what you want! So talking to her could help with this too. But honestly, her reasons for taking DD away from you are very likely to be either innocent (not realising she is doing it) or meant in a nice way. Perhaps when she offers to take the baby out in her pram you could suggest something else that would be helpful like making you a cup of tea or putting some washing on for you! Obviously depends on how close you are to her

You don't say how old your DD is, but I would not let DS stay overnight anywhere at the moment (he is 17 months) - some children would be ready at his age, but he is not, he is still breastfed and needs me to get to sleep. I am happy to keep doing this as long as he needs, so he won't be staying anywhere overnight for a while yet. And the first time he does stay overnight somewhere, it will be with someone he knows very well and their house is familiar, etc. I think that if you are still breastfeeding then that is a perfectly good reason to not let her stay overnight somewhere yet.

LEM- great post. You said what I wanted to, but much more well put.

Hope you are feeling better soon OP

I think you need to get some help with these feelings.

Your MIL is not trying to take your DD away from you. The things you describe her doing are just normal GP things - taking GC out for a walk, taking her away so you could pay in peace.

Even talking about having your DD for weekends - maybe it's a bit soon, bit it's something that will be great for your DD eventually.

The fact that you are starting to dislike your MIL and are continuing with breastfeeding to retain power over your DD is worrying.

You've had a terrible, terrible shock. But being this possessive over your daughter is not good for her.

The fact that you say you don't recognise yourself is a pretty clear sign that you have issues you need to resolve around this.

YANBU but neither is your MIL

She is doing normal grandparenty stuff and being a mum of 3 pre0schoolers myself I would give anything for a grandparent to offer to take the dc's out or have them stay over

However, I understand why you feel the way you do- it must have been horrific for you. Though what StewieGriffinsMum says is all good and I echo the sentiment that it is not healthy for you to keep feeling this way so looking into some sort of counselling is a good idea. It is good for your dd to occasionally be away from you for short periods of time and for you to be able to rationalise your fears. This will take time and will probably be quite difficult for you but you will need to confront these issues sooner or later.

Have you sat down with your MIL and really explained to her how you feel? Explain that you know it's irrational but that you can't help it after what you have been through and that you are extremely grateful that she wants to be so involved with dd but you are not quite ready for sleepovers etc. Maybe agree on a short walk, say 15 mins where you agree where she will go and has her phone with her so that you can contact her at any time and build it from there?

YANBU because you have had a terrible shock and are still reacting to it by becoming very clingy with your daughter.

The posters agreeing that your MIL is a PITA are being unreasonable. Why would a grandmother not want to take her grandchild for a little walk in the pram because DIL 'wants her back' after five minutes or stroll around the shop, showing her off a bit, while DIL is busy at the check out.
I cannot understand that.

You are still in shock quite naturally as it was very recent. But if you still feel this way in 6 months try counselling otherwise you will make it harder on yourself an your dd. She will have problems adjusting to nursery and separating from you
which will need addressing I am sure you MIL odoes not mean to be insensitive try asking you DH to chat to her. Because one day you may really need her. Good Luck

You are acting completely understandably, but that doesn't mean that your MIL is in the wrong IYSWIM.

TBH I see where you are coming from re. the overnight stay, but walking off for a few minutes to give you a bit of piece to pay for your shopping is totally reasonable and rational. However you are not in a reasonable/rational place at the moment - which is 100% understandable!

Have you or your DH tried talking to your MIL, and explaining exactly how you feel? Maybe your mum is more understanding because you have confided in her exactly how you are feeling.

My Aunt had a baby who died of cot death, and as a result she was INCREDIBLY protective/anxious with her next-born child. She was never out of her sight, not even with her DH. Thankfully, my cousin has grown up to be a confident, happy woman, so don't feel that your anxiousness is necessarily damaging your child. However, if you feel that your anxiousness is in danger of escalating, then please consider counselling.

and swanandduck well said! Wwhy the mass vitriol to grannies we may all be one one day as well as a MIL to boot!

I can understand why you are so protective.
But MIL isn´t trying to take your daughter away-she is trying to help you.

But if you don´t want that help, that´s fine.
When she wants to go for a walk,go with her.

Neither my Mum or MIL ever took mine out without me.
It wasn´t me being precious-honest-when they visited we would go for walks together.

Also, if you could find a way of letting MIL hold her more when you´re there,she might not want to go away on her own.

You need to try to come ot terms with things. Your dd is still here. Your Mil is doing no wrong imo, please dont take your worries out on her. My mil also has a cot at her house (for ds now 3) and ds will probably never have a nigth away from me until he's much older because I just dont feel comfortable with it, you just have to ignore that. The other things - she really hasnt done any wrong at all.

PLEASE get this moved to relationships or general health - this absolutely must not turn into an argument, the OP is obviously needed a bit of support - you don't need to turn this into a MIL bashing/protecting thread, which is what looks like is happening - lets get this moved??