To be over clingy to my DD following her near cot death and to resent MIL

[Gilliana1]

My DD was born after years of trying, multiple IVFs and being told I wouldn't ever have children due to early menopause at aged 30. So she is very special to us.

In December she stopped breathing and turned blue in her cot. She survived (999 and admitted to hospital) but this has left me VERY over protective and clingy to her. I've not managed to be separated from her for more then an a couple of hours since that happened - and then only leaving her with my husband.

My MIL (her first grandchild) is annoying me so much I've started to lie and deny her access to DD by pretending I am out/busy etc. She thinks she knows best about everything and just doesn't seem to get it that this is my daughter and not hers.

Examples:
we went on a rare grocery trip (we dont shop together) a while ago. DD was crying in her pram so I got her out whilst waiting to pay. MIL offered to hold her - great I think - I can pay/pack the shopping. But then she says to DD 'lets go for a little walk shall we' and before I can do or say anything she's walking off with DD out of sight. She returns 5 mins later (I'm waiting otherside of till now) and I'm furious and so angry. Why does she have to walk off? It is like whenever she has contact with DD she wants to take her away from me.

whenever she comes over she says she is going to take DD out for a walk in pram and I can put my feet up. I don't want to put my feet up - she just wants again to take dd away.

MIL has bought cot for her house and says dd would like to spend weekends with her.

MIL also makes a grab for her whenever she arrives and then gets offended that DD cries being carried off away from Mum.. and the more she cries the more MIL says that none of her children ever cried and persists.

OK.. I know I'm over anxious, but my Mum never tries to keep taking DD away.. she comes over... plays at my house etc with her etc.

Only reason I'm still breastfeeding DD is that it is something that MIL cannot do and I feel it gives me some power. Boy, I know that is sad!

I'm beginning to hate her.. help! I don't recognise myself!

You poor thing. You sound very worried.

My daughter stopped breathing and turned limp and blue at 1.5 years. We had to do mouth to mouth and chest compressions. I thought she was dead. It is the worst thing that has ever, ever happened to me. It is a very painful thing to experience. I was terrified of leaving hospital with her in case it happened again. It took us all some time to get over it. Even thinking about it now makes me cry. But I have, It happened several years ago now.

I too have a very 'busy' mil. Her reaction to every situation is to get busy. Its really hard. The way she deals with emotions is to bury them and get busy. Do you think you mother in law is doing this?

At the end of the day - my MIL wants to be helpful. I have had to be very firm with her. My MIL isn't very good with younger children but as they have got older they have really enjoyed their time with her. She organises lots of activities and really loves being an active granny. I think maybe you DH needs to reassure your MIL that her time will come - where she can make her own special bond with her grandchild. But maybe not just right now.

Sounds like she feels a little excluded from her grandchild and is trying to snatch time with her. But she mustn't do this - she needs to relax and give you all a bit more time to recover.

I get the impression that there are 2 problems here

1. Your anxieties regarding your dd. (Which are real as something bad did happen as opposed to unfounded anxiety)

1. Your mil not understanding or respecting these real anxieties.

I suffer/have suffered with anxiety and what helped was people knowing and supporting me by showing understanding not indifference to my feelings or rebuffing them as nonsense. My mil wasn't helpful and suggested I needed to chill out and pull myself together. She made me feel worse as I think your mil is doing. I think there is scope for meeting in the middle though, let her take dd but say 'can you hold her but just stay where I can see her?' as for the cot, she seems to be pushing you to do something you're not comfortable with which is okay, dd is your child and mil doesn't have an automatic right to suppose dd will stay with her. If she keeps pushing she'll push you further away.

I would see if you could chat to someone about your anxieties. It isn't ideal for you to be so anxious that it overtakes anything and everything in your life. CBT would be great and help you to see all the bigger picture.

You've had a really tough time, don't beat yourself up too much.

Some lovely kind words on this thread.

LEM is absolutley right - being in AIBU there is every chance that this could descend into madness, I think the OP is pretty vulnerable at the mo and this would be the last things she needs.

Am glad that some posters have agreed with me - I felt very hesitant saying that OP should speak to someone in RL as I thought it sounded dismissive. So am pleased that weas not considered unreasonable.

YABU but I don't blame you after all that. She isn't doing anything wrong. You are over-reacting but there are good reasons for that.

Over time I am sure you'll get calmer and more relaxed around your DD and see MIL's actions for what they are - normal grandmotherly behaviour.

Thanks for all the terrific comments, in my head I know everyone is making a lot of sense.. but hard for the heart not to rule the head when it comes to love for DD and a bit of resentment for MIL (and her 'my children were perfect' lecture I get everytime).

I'm going to try and relax a bit with MIL.. and if I don't feel different in a few months time then seek some counselling etc.

daytoday

I agree re the burying emotions. I think it's a generational thing as is taking control of the baby and treating it as if it were her own. We aren't so close to our relatives now both in terms of distance and attatchment. Op -how do you feel when your friends hold dd? Is it the same or do you feel more relaxed? Not getting at you at all as how you feel is how you feel but could there be a difference or do you feel totally anxious when anyone holds dd?

For the examples:

#1 YABU
#2 YABU
#3 YABU
#4 YANBU

But I can definately understand why you feel that way. I know my MIL annoys the hell out of me for some of the things she does, and then I ask myself whether I would be so annoyed if one of my close friends did it....the answer is usually no!

YANBU as such, but niether is your MIL. It is understandable you feel this way after what happened. It must have been an awfull for you all. But try to bear in mind that MIL would have been affected by it too, albiet not as much as you.

It doesn't sound to me like she is trying to take your dd away. More like she is trying to help and offer you a break. I shop with my sister a fair bit and if one of her dc start crying I take all three away for a ride on one of the car things in foyer of the shop. It's stressfull trying to pay for things when you can hear your own child crying.

While it is incrediably normal to feel this anxious after something so terrible, it's not really doing you much good. Perhaps counselling would help you put what happened behind you.

I feel fine when my friends hold her.. or dropping her round my sisters the other day while I went to the dentist. Thing is, if she cries when friends etc hold her then naturally they sooth her by jiggling for a bit and if it doesn't work they pass her back to me. Where as MIL will get a bit touchy and walk off with her and then I can hear DD shrieking in the garden etc.

Think I need to be more assertive and talk to MIL or say something as this bottling up feelings is turning to hatred which is making it all much worse.

i dont think yabu on purpose but i dont see her doing anything wrong if i hold a crying baby i walk around with baby when my mum came to see us she would want me to get 5 mins rest and would take ds out for 5 mins as a grandparent she loved this and was helping me out

you are worried as you had a huge scare but try allowing 5 mins explain your anxieties and understand she isnt trying to take your dd away she is genuinely trying to help and a lot of us will walk around with crying baby as my ds would always calm if on the move

sorry for your scare but dont let it ruin relations with others just set yourself little boundaries so let mil take for 5 mins and build it up the more confident you get

If you are interested then please consider giving the FSID helpline a ring. They are there to offer support to those who have had the experience you have also had as well as parents who have had a cot death. Please also speak to your HV about whether CONI PLUS runs in your area, it is a scheme to support parents whose babies have had an acute life threatening episode such as yours. If so, then please ask to be referred to the co-ordinator who will be able to offer you additional support to help you through this experience.

I think your MIL is acting as any nice MIL might but I think that you'll really get some benefit from some professional support. Best of luck

and also with crying babies family seem to be more able to deal with the crying and enjoy walking round soothing friends have normally had enough and will pass back to mum my mum would walk with ds still crying but it never worried me its the fear you are still holding maybe see if you can have counselling or find support group

Gilliana1
that's great that you're able to let others hold her and that you're even able to leave her to go to the dentist.

That's a positive and proves you can do it

What is your relationship like with your mil? Did you get on well pre dd? Did you find her overbearing/interferring at all?

I think you leave dd with your friends because you have a good relationship with them, you trust them. If you didn't have this before with MIL then your natural feelings of protection over dd couple with you natural over protective feelings since she stopped breathing will exacerbate the situation.

How does your dh feel about what's happening?

Yanbu imo.

I think your mil is being a bit insensitive. You have had a shock and you need time to get back on an even keel about it. Only doing things your way in your own time are likely to make you feel more secure about your daughter.
You already feel okay leaving her with trusted friends and your mum so I'd think there is something that your mil isn't handling well that is unsettling you ay bout your dd being with her.
I would say speak to your mil and just tell her to give you time and you are not over the shock of feeling you nearly lost your daughter. It was only in December and she should be more understanding of how you feel. With time things may change.

Could your DH maybe talk to her?

I'm not sure assertiveness is what's called for here. She needs someone to explain to her how fragile you are feeling at the moment, and it strikes me that maybe your feelings are running a bit too high to have this conversation.

All he needs to tell her is that you are still shaken by what happened and that you are a bit anxious about your DD and being separated from her.

'All he needs to tell her is that you are still shaken by what happened and that you are a bit anxious about your DD and being separated from her.'

Except for when she leaves her with a friend.

I feel for the OP don't get me wrong, but i also feel for the MIL as going by the OP she really hasn't done owt wrong.

Seems to me that the issue is that MIL takes over when she comes over or is visiting DD? She shouldn't just decide how you need help, as it isn't help if it's causing you stress. And she absolutely shouldn't be taking your DD out without asking FFS!

Think you need to set a few boundaries. It doesn't need to be a long discussion, but next time she starts to take over, say, 'no, thanks.' But very firmly. If she starts to take DD out in the buggy, say, 'no, I'd really rather not.'

It's up to you and your DH when you are happy for DD to stay with others.

OP I do feel for you. I have similar issues with MIL when DS1 was born. I even posted on here and got told IABU. I was very protective of DS1 and didn't leave him till he was 1 for any long periods of time. As a first-time mum, it is very easy to be very protective. And after what you have gone through... FYI, four-month-old DS2 has a bug and the other night, I heard him vomiting and was up like a shot, he didn't even cry but he was covered in vomit and there was vomit going up his nose... I still shudder to think what could have happened if I had not been a light sleeper...

And I think you have good advice on this thread to deal with your fears. I eventually let DS1 go to the in-laws to stay overnight when he was 21 months old. He loves it there and he loves being with them. They have a fabulous relationship. He asks to go to Grandad and Grandma's most days. I feel so much better about letting go now that DS2 will be going to stay with them for a 24-hour-period in 2 months (when he is 6 months old) and if that goes well, they will be regularly going there for weekends.

I once met a lady who told me that being a grandmother is completely different from being a mother and is in fact, even better. It is the greatest gift and I think you really need to try and understand. But I do feel for you as I remember feeling the same as you in the early days. Good luck! My advice is not to burn your bridges now. I am so glad I held my tongue then and it all seems so silly looking back now...

Sorry you had such a horrendous experience. I can't imagine how frightening that was.

My MIL lives a long way away but with each of my babies, she has visited when they were very young and made a fuss about wanting to take them off for walks etc. on her own when they were very little and breastfed. It was annoying and upsetting to me that she couldn't see the baby and I came as a package at that age, so I can understand how you feel.

But your MIL doesn't sound massively unreasonable. I think you need to talk with her honestly and explain what you've been through and say you don't like the baby going out of your sight at the moment. Get your DH on board to talk to her.

You don't say how old your DD is though. If she's approaching toddler age, it's a bit different to if she's a few months old. Babies need a little more freedom as they get bigger (although there's still nothing wrong with a close bond at this or any age). I really think if this is the case, you need someone to talk to and work through your very valid fears.

I think its the lack of control that is getting to you re. your MIL. You have been through a terrible experience, and are coping with it by keeping control of everything as best you can. So you are okay with leaving your DC with your sister, as presumably you can leave her with a long list of Dos and Donts in the knowledge that she will follow your instructions to the letter.

For whatever reason, your MIL makes you feel that you have no control over your own child. She takes the initiative, and tries to her help in the way she thinks is best - maybe dismissing your views.

When people have had a trauma, IME the way they cope is by trying to remain 100% in control, as if this will stop anything bad happening again. It won't necessarily, but is understandable.

Get your DH to try to explain this to your MIL. If she is a decent person she will respect the fact that you need time, and she will step back and try not to take it personally.

totally agree with Undercovamutha
I would think of 1 way of letting MIl in -could you invite her for tea and let dd sit next to her/have her on her knee?

YANBU at all. I would hate this kind of behaviour even without the shock you have had. It is controlling and interfering to just walk off with your baby or insist on taking her out if it's not what you want. And people who grab babies away from their mums and persist even when the baby cries really piss me off! Good, supportive friends and family may offer to do these things, but they respect your wishes if you say no you're not ready.

I can understand those who say you might benefit from some help with your anxiety, but that's a separate issue - your MIL is still out of order. I would try to tell her clearly - something along the lines of - I am not ready, I accept that I worry a lot about DD but that is how I feel, I do not want her away from me, so please do not pressurise me, it makes me unhappy and as you can see DD does not like it either.

Oh and about your friend etc - you decide who you want to leave your baby with. It's natural that someone who muscles in and ignores your wishes is someone you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby with. Your MIL needs to learn to respect you and then you might find it easier to respect her.

Oh gosh it will take ever such a long time for you to relax after that horrible episode.

Your mil is probably trying to be helpful but she's also rather presumptious in getting a cot and there's no way I'd leave ds overnight with gps when really tiny. But at the same time you must let her hold lo and spend quality time with her.

I'd get your dh to have a nic chat - nothing about you feeling fragile but instead you both had a terrible shock are both worried and until you both get over the event this is how things will be. A united front.

It is normal for you to want keep your lo very close. I also have a ds who we were told we'd never have and for this reason I've been very close to him and actually very paranoid. I used to worry about it and then I thought sod it - I'm paranoid as I'm a new mum against all odds and feel that everything was 'last chance saloon'. I decided to roll with it and fears do eventually subside.