Are we too child-centric these days?

[zozzle]

David Code has published a conroversial book called "To raise happy kids put your marriage first"

www.davidarthurcode.com/2009_02_12/my-new-book-to-raise-happy-kids-put-your-marriag e-first/

He argues many parents wrongly believe the more attention we give our kids, the better they?ll turn out. He says we claim we?re too busy to spend time with our spouses, but actually, many of us have shifted our passion from our spouses to our children.

David believes that putting your marriage first can improve family dynamics. It frees up your kids to establish their own identity, learn self-reliance, and become more independent adults. He says your relationship can also set a great example for your kids? future relationships.

He's not advocating neglecting our children just a better balance.

I agree and believe we're raising a generation of ego-centric kids who are so wrapped up in cotton wool that they will lack the independence and resourcefulness to be employable / form healthy relationships in the future (yes I'm generalising but hope you get my point). Partners are getting pushed out in the process and relationships are failing because kids needs are being put first all the time and gradually over time partners are becoming more distant from each other.

What do you all think?

am at the concept of the book

i think it is absolutely right that children, especially tiny babies are put first
they can't fend for themselves after all

I agree that there are too many cases of parents putting so much into raising their children that when they grow up and leave home they suddenly realise they have lost the ability to communicate with each other as husband and wife and don't have anything to talk about.

I personally don't think we're "too child-centric" as you put it but there does need to be a balance between looking out for our children and also maintaining healthy marriages and seeing parents in a strong and long lasting marriage is good for children IMO.

I don't agree with the book title though - put your marriage first? How about some equality rather than putting one or other first?
Once you have DCs, do you really think of marriage or children coming before the other?

Ruby slippers - totally agree - of course kids need to be nurtured, loved, looked after etc - I'm talking more about raising kids generally - that not everything should be about the child.

Me, I am Mumsnet-centric. Totally happy relegating both marriage and children to the background (they can entertain each other) while I witter on to complete strangers. D'you reckon I should write a book?

Similar issues raised in intereting piece in the Times 16 Feb here Headline is The great myth of Me Time, quotes Frank Furedi etc.

No we're not too child-centric.

Some people wrongly focus all their attention on their children in the wrong sort of way, helicoptering around them, organising all their time, being 'involved' in far too much of their lives, but not all parents do.

It doesn't have to be a case of putting either your relationship or your children first, both are intertwined and should have equal importance, with people putting their families first. Relationships with spouces and children should be intertwined, what benifits one member of the family should benefit all members.

It;s all about balance.

I rather suspect people who focus al of their energy on their childrne and completely neglect their marriage weren't happy in their marriage in the first place, it is a symptom of an unhappy marriage rather than a cause of it.

but what would I know? I haven't written a book...

I agree and I agree with omdb.

I think there's a trend to being too child centric these days definitely, see it all the time.

Especially amongst women who's whole identities have become subsumed in the role of motherhood, leaving little of the original woman left. I know a few parents who hover anxiously on the periphery of their childs world controlling every aspect, coming out with all the same old trite contrived child friendly jargon. Said children tend to be whingey and anxious themselves with a marked deficit in any kind of self-regulation.

As I've mentioned on another thread a lot of parents seem terrified of saying no or disciplining their dc for fear of somehow damaging them. They just distract them all the bl**dy time and never give consequences. It won't hurt them to say "no" from time to time!

One of dds friends Mums is permanently downcast, anxious and irritable. She is the epitome of a helicopter parent, her dd is lovely but very very whiny and when they're here she's constantly involved in their play, drives me mad. When I told her I was going to Sheffield to see my single childfree sister for the night on Saturday she looked gutted and said she really admired how I could do that without the dcs (dd 3.5 ds 5 months). She hasn't done anything like that in 6 years of parenting, never left them with their Dad as he "couldn't cope" . She has lost the capacity to separate herself out from her dcs at all and in doing so has lost herself. Very sad.

Also i do worry that we're in danger of raising a generation of narcissists so desperate are we for our children to have high, some would say elevated, self-esteem. But how much is too much?

There is also a cult of perfectionism amongst middle class Mums. This in itself is unacheivable and ultimately detrimental to women and their children due to the intense anxiety it generates.

Thanks Bumbling - v. thought provoking article.

Yes totally agree minxofmancunia.

A perfect balance across your whole life is key to a happy life. Not just between children and marriage, imo.

I often mock myself, saying 'wondermum' etc. I strive to achieve my perceived view of perfection as a mother to try to prevent my children being like I was as a child with little confidence in myself. As it happens, I am very confident now.

minxofamancunia - I understand exactly what you are getting at when you say :

There is also a cult of perfectionism amongst middle class Mums. This in itself is unacheivable and ultimately detrimental to women and their children due to the intense anxiety it generates.

I wonder a few things - what exactly is middle class? Am I conforming to this cult? I have my own reasons as described in last post - but I bet others have other reasons.

So what sort of children do single parents raise then, they don't have a marriage to put first!

I'm guilty of slipping into it eggsontoast I have perfectionism schema myself! And I wonder what middle class is too.

Round here it's v guardian reading, organic earnest types.A lot of Drs teachers, health and socila care professionals and I would be lying if I said I wasn't influenced by the other Mums I come into contact with regularly.

Well, maybe I am not quite middle class then; I consider myself quite intelligent and try very hard to do the best by my family - however, I don't read the guardian or eat organic!

I don't really think the old 'class' systems apply well to the current social format.

I would class myself as working class, but my husband thinks we are middle class. He just means he is above those on the dole and earns a bit more than those working in manual labour! I class myself as working class because we both work (and need to).

I think there are only a certain number of people who actually worry about how they parent at all. A lot just go with the flow. Same with marriage. Who's to say which method is best?

At least if it all goes wrong, I'll know I did every thing I possibly could to prevent it!

Zozzle, sorry but to me your OP sounds like the bit where someone like Matthew Wright is introducing his next segment.

But, anyway. I agree that we can be a bit too helicopter. I certainly remember being left to my own devices a lot (as well as my DM being a lot more hands off my younger bro). Funny thing is now that she is a complete helicopter granparent

Valpollicella - haha - just read OP again -yes it does sound like that doesn't it!! not intentional I promise - obviously been watching too much daytime telly...

Imisssleeping - I think most single parents do the very best they can often in very difficult circumstances and that most of them need a good break once in a while although this isn't always possible (depending on their circumstances).

I guess it helps if there are some good male role models around in child's life.

Am not a single parent myself but my bro is a non-resident father so I do have a bit of an insight (long story which I won't go into - but he is fighting the stupid system tooth and nail to be more actively involved in his son's life).