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Parenting

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Original poster

Thoughts on letting babies cry pls!?!

38 replies

cleo78 · 23/02/2010 16:44

I know I might be disgusting a few people on here, but I'm really wondering about how to deal with my 4wk old crying. When he was first born, i was really determined that although he was going to get lots of cuddles, he was also going to be left to cry for a wee bit. My husband was rubbish at this, which made it a bit pointless obviously! Somehow, I seem to have forgotten all about my initial parenting thoughts, and i seem to be running to him within a couple of minutes maximum. BUT it has struck me that he's much more demanding as a result? I certainly do NOT want to be a horrible parent, and i hate the concept of 'being cruel to be kind', but at the same time, I am left thinking that it makes sense to leave him for a bit so that he doesn't learn that crying results in instant cuddles. But for how long can I leave him (obviously, after trying to make sure that it's not a feed/nappy/burp situation)? I would love to hear other peoples thoughts... or tips on how to be able to put my sleeping baby to bed without him waking up and crying!! (and well done if you guessed that i'm typing this while he's crying...I'm going to have to go and see him now as I just feel too bad...)

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Original poster

cleo78 · 23/02/2010 16:47

can i just add here, that when I pick him up, he's asleep in my arms within minutes (if not seconds!)- so it seems that he's just doing it for the cuddles (which I love as much, but can't help feeling that it's not the best thing really!)

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LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 23/02/2010 16:49

Listen I did controlled crying so pretty much immune to the "you left your baby to cry you heartless witch". HOWEVER your baby is FOUR Weeks old. If he is crying go and cuddle him.

morningpaper · 23/02/2010 16:52

Yes of course your baby is doing it for cuddles, that's because it is normal and natural for a baby to need the physical closeness of a parent in order to grow and develop as a human. There is no such thing as "learning bad habits" when those habits are cuddling mummy and daddy - that is no more a 'bad habit' than needing to be fed or dry. These are your baby's NEEDS and you need to meet them. Congrats on your baby.

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ChairmumMiaow · 23/02/2010 16:53

Crying is the only way he can tell you that something is wrong. At this age, IMO you cannot 'spoil' a child with too many cuddles.

He's been safe in your womb for 9 months and the world is a scary place - is it any wonder he cries for his mummy's arms?

If he wants to be close but you want to get things done, just try a sling so you can be hands free.

I believe that they cry because they need something, even if it is 'just' cuddles. Needs that are met will eventually 'go away' (or a child will be able to delay them)

I'm not talking about never leaving them to grumble - or never leaving them so you can go to the loo / make a cup of tea, but if he's really crying and you don't go to him, he's learning that when he needs something his mummy doesn't come. Not something I ever wanted my DS to learn.

Lots of people will disagree with me though.

Besom · 23/02/2010 16:53

I honestly think that he's too young to go through any kind of thought process - 'if i do this i'll get this'. They don't work like that when newborn, they just have primal impulses for food and comfort.

Cuddle him so he learns to feel secure and worry about teaching him stuff only when he's much older.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/02/2010 16:55

I would cuddle him, that is what he needs. All he will be learning from that is that you will be there when he needs you, a lesson all babies should learn imo.

luciemule · 23/02/2010 16:57

If your baby's only 4 weeks old, he ants to be cuddled and fed, changed and wants to sleep. That's about it really. A 4 week old who is crying, if breast fed, is probably needing a feed. If you're bottle feeding then if youv'e changed, fed, winded etc then a cuddle is perhaps all he needs.
A good way of putting them down without waking is to first warm the mattress with a hot water bottle, remove the bottle and lay him down but keep your hand on his tummy (not tightly but so he knows it's there). Once you see him relax and settle into a deep sleep without his eyelids moving, then gradulally remove your hand. With both of mine, the hand on the tummy worked when nothing else would.

katiepotatie · 23/02/2010 16:57

I also did cc, with a 14 month old, and I do let my 9 month old cry for at least 10 mins, he's usually asleep before the 10 mins is up though. A 4 week old baby is far too young, he needs cuddles, they are only small for such a short time, go cuddle your baby. It is early days,and it does get easier

Skegness · 23/02/2010 17:01

Congratulations on your new baby.

They often don't know how to go to sleep on their own at this age and frequently need your warmth and smell and feel. Most babies are just not developmentally ready to do even so simple seeming a thing as sleeping when tired, so responding quickly like you're doing really is the best thing to do. He won't "learn" to settle by being left to cry at this age (some would argue not at any age). Luckily you really can't spoil a tiny baby, so carry on enjoying those cuddles. He'll slowly learn to settle himself over the weeks and months and years.

RubysReturn · 23/02/2010 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 23/02/2010 17:02

Is it such a bad thing for a baby to want cuddles? Seriously?

Trying not to be irritated by this thread!

Cuddle your baby! It is what babies need! Cuddles are good for babies, crying is bad for them. Crying wastes energy and leaves loads of stress hormones rushing around their bodies doing damage left right and centre. It's bad for the development of the emotional part of their brains. Cuddles strengthen immune systems. Having emotional needs met in the first year of life in particular, but after that too of course, helps to make sure the emotional centre of the brain develops properly, building trust and improving the chances of good, strong, healthy relationships later in life.

Read 'Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt and/or 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland if you don't believe me.

luciemule · 23/02/2010 17:05

From my doula training, I think I remember the NICE guidelines saying that (from a physical safety point of view), you should never leave a baby to cry for more than 15 minutes. To the group, this sounded way too long and we all agreed that we'd never leave a baby to cry for that long.

Tee2072 · 23/02/2010 17:07

He's 4 weeks old. Of course he cries, how else does he tell you he needs you? And yes, wanting a cuddle is a need at 4 weeks old.

Go pick up your baby, FFS.

rubyslippers · 23/02/2010 17:10

is he crying a lot?

do you think it is more than newborn crying?

some babies have reflux which makes then cry a lot ...

if not, then i am not going to repeat what everyone has said, as I agree with it all

also, try a sling - very good at calming fractious babies

luciemule · 23/02/2010 17:16

A woman (as in OP) with a 4 week old baby can be quite vulnerable and doesn't really need to be judged. Helpful tips and ideas are great but judging the OP simply because she's asked for a bit of support isn't a great idea. A first time mum doesn't necessarily know how long to leave a baby to cry and whether to pick it up etc.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 23/02/2010 17:17

I'm not judging, I'm imparting information. At what point has anyone judged?

EggyAllenPoe · 23/02/2010 17:18

little ones cry. frankly even if you wanted to always jump to it then they do, you wouldn't be able to all the time - you'd get very litle done!

babies can be very different about what they do. DS would shriek like a banshee until i left the room, then sleep (from about 6weeks). DD liked to be fed and cudled to sleep, until at 12 weeks i decided she would self-settle, and then left her to it (fully fed etc) though i didn't expect her to always go all night without waking...personally with a really tiny baby i wouldn't worry too much about it - they are little bags of need, and the habit things comes in later...

although you will get people on here saying it is 'cruel' to let a baby cry -that person does not have your baby and cannot know what will work best for you!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 23/02/2010 17:26

My DD is now 8 weeks old she's only just allowing me to go about my business, washing, cleaning, mumsnetting, etc for more than 5 minutes at a time. For the first few weeks I was literally glued to the sofa doing nothing but feeding and cuddling. Your baby will soon gain alittle independence, no need to rush it.

Congratulations on the birth and I say invest in a sling, that way he can enjoy his snuggly cuddles and you can type two handed!

luciemule · 23/02/2010 17:37

I wasn't really referring to your post mrswobble. I thought that perhaps one of the acronyms was bit was uneccesary on another post. Think if someone had posted that thread to me when I had a 4 week old crying baby, I'd have burst into tears and felt like a terrible mother.

cranbury · 23/02/2010 17:59

Read in lots of places, and have personnel evidence that the more you let your baby cry in the first 6 months the more they will cry in the next 6 months and beyond.

Besom · 23/02/2010 18:03

Yes - get sling. I couldn't have coped without mine. Had a wrap around.

honeyapple · 23/02/2010 18:09

You need to be cuddling him. It is essential that you do. He needs to know he is safe/loved and everything is ok. He will gain so much through being loved and being held is vital to his future happiness and confidence. IMO controlled crying of any sort is horrible. I don't want to be left to cry when I am upset so why should my baby? My DS2 has never been left to cry on purpose and he is the happiest, most self-contented and confident little chap (now 2yrs).

Go with your instincts to nuture your baby and you will be fine. (and through away any baby manuals lurking about).

AliGrylls · 23/02/2010 18:10

At that age you can't not cuddle on demand - they don't even understand why they are being left. If they are crying at that age it means they need something IMO.

I only ever left DS (until about 4/5 months) if I was on the verge of finishing something off that would take a couple of minutes.

He is now 8 months and occasionally I do leave him to cry for about 10 mins if it is his bedtime and I know he just wants to stay up.

secretsquirrel1 · 23/02/2010 18:26

Hi Cleo - Congratulations!

This is the best piece of advice that I was given and it works.....

When you take your baby out of its cot for a feed, wrap your swaddling blanket around a hot water bottle then place it back into the cot. When you've fed, winded, changed, cuddled etc etc, put your baby back into a lovely warm blanket & cot. Stands to reason when you think about it - all warm and snuggly from you then back into a cold cot....

Give it a go - best of luck & let us know how you get on.

Original poster

cleo78 · 23/02/2010 18:26

wow! thanks to those of you who have actually chosen to give me some advice rather than judge me.
If my 2 mins (maximum) is too long...then i seriously need more good advice as I don't think I do it any faster when doing things like making his bottle (kettle and baby in one arm scares me)- and before i get judged again, i was forced to bottle feed for medical reasons- or if he starts to cry just as i shove the shampoo on my head or go to the loo or something. I've already been driven to use a dummy which prob means I'm a really terrible mum eh??
Just for the record (I'm tired and now quite emotional which is really stupid considering i knew the way i was phrasing my message would arouse reactions)- I love my baby, and give him huge amounts of cuddles and appreciate how important this is. And yes...I am cuddling him as i type 1 handed.

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