Thoughts on letting babies cry pls!?!

[cleo78]

I know I might be disgusting a few people on here, but I'm really wondering about how to deal with my 4wk old crying. When he was first born, i was really determined that although he was going to get lots of cuddles, he was also going to be left to cry for a wee bit. My husband was rubbish at this, which made it a bit pointless obviously! Somehow, I seem to have forgotten all about my initial parenting thoughts, and i seem to be running to him within a couple of minutes maximum. BUT it has struck me that he's much more demanding as a result? I certainly do NOT want to be a horrible parent, and i hate the concept of 'being cruel to be kind', but at the same time, I am left thinking that it makes sense to leave him for a bit so that he doesn't learn that crying results in instant cuddles. But for how long can I leave him (obviously, after trying to make sure that it's not a feed/nappy/burp situation)? I would love to hear other peoples thoughts... or tips on how to be able to put my sleeping baby to bed without him waking up and crying!! (and well done if you guessed that i'm typing this while he's crying...I'm going to have to go and see him now as I just feel too bad...)

Hi Cleo - Congratulations!

This is the best piece of advice that I was given and it works.....

When you take your baby out of its cot for a feed, wrap your swaddling blanket around a hot water bottle then place it back into the cot. When you've fed, winded, changed, cuddled etc etc, put your baby back into a lovely warm blanket & cot. Stands to reason when you think about it - all warm and snuggly from you then back into a cold cot....

Give it a go - best of luck & let us know how you get on.

thank you secret squirrel- will defo give it a go!

Oh, and infacol before feeds - though that was the thing 6 yrs ago.....it may be something else now!

Just in case you thought I was judging you when I asked if you were bottle or breast, I was finding out which, because my support would have been different depending on whether you were feeding on demand or formula feeding.
You're doing really well and I'm sure your baby loves all the cuddles you're giving her..

cleo - I didn't mean to imply that you weren't cuddling your baby.

It's just that worrying that picking them up too quick will somehow make them more demanding is a waste of your energy. That was what I was trying to say anyway.

I definitely agree with the hot water bottle technique. We used to do that as well.

Also had one of those noise maker things on the cot that made wave and rain sounds.

They do get a bit better as I remember, around the 7-8 weeks mark. They settle down a bit.

I don't see how needing a cuddle is any less of a need than a nappy change, both are really important I think.
Being emotionally secure and feelin loved is absolutely important.
I've done everything babyled and my boy actually doesn't give me enough cuddles I think, I try snuggling with him now and he pushes me away, lol. I've learnt that being very affectionate doesn't make them clingy, quite the opposite!

I DO, have a will leave my kids/babies to cry however if I feel it's best for my personal mental wellbeing at that time.
I'm not gonna go give cuddles if I'm pissed off, sorry :-p They can learn cuddles aren't given on demand, but given when they're mutually desired.

If your baby wants a cuddle and you don't mind, then why not?

I think cuddles are more important than nappy changing, personally. I would much rather leave a baby in a dirty nappy for 10 minutes than needing a cuddle for the same amount of time! And if you don't make your baby wait before you meet his physical needs, why make him wait for you to meet his emotional needs?

LadyintheRadiator

I agree, of course there are times there's more important things to do.
But the old school detatchment parenting where your baby is crying and you have to sit there and leave them, just so you don't spoil them (wtf)
is just upsetting for mum and baby and unnecessary, and I don't think it's healthy.

My granma scolded me for going to my baby when he cried, I mean.. what?

4 weeks is far too young to leave crying. He's acting on basic survival instincts. It's vital you respond to that. Sorry to sound lecturing.

Use a sling lots. Keep him with you. Cuddle him. He'll grow to be a much more confident child who doesn't have to wonder where his next hug is coming from. Enjoy it. It's not forever. He really needs you to be a constant right now. I know it's a royal pain sometimes but in a way, babies are good for telling us to slow down and consider what it's important.

Don't use a sling when your handling a boiling hot kettle FFS

When my DD was that age, I also found the crying very hard so I do feel for you.

I never left her to cry though so basically didn't have a shower/ cup of tea/ sandwich etc unless she was asleep. I actually took her with me in her moses basket if I went to the loo

Now, I'm not suggesting for one minute that I would do this with DC2. I agree with other posters who have said that there are times when you might HAVE to leave your baby to cry - I now realise that a 5 minute trip to the loo doesn't have to involve carting your baby along.

BUT...

A 4 week old a baby is so, so tiny. A month really isn't a long time to be in the world. It might help to think of your DS as a little alien, who's landed on a new planet, with no idea whether the locals are friendly! The only way he can communicate at all is by crying and cuddles make everything OK because you're literally the only person he feels secure & safe with. Soon, he'll start learning the local customs, find a few new ways of making himself understood, and start acting like he owns the place

Make the most of the cuddles - this all goes in a flash!

Agree with everyone else here, pretty much. I think anyone who can get themselves dressed and eat something before it gets dark again while looking after a newborn is doing incredibly well, if that gives you a benchmark. Don't think I got out of my pjs until my DS was about 12 weeks

Get a sling, or a coorie if the ring thing is a bit baffling - I had both, the coorie is fleece and fab in winter plus no adjusting, the sling is super-adjustable and cotton but a pita to get on without a full-length mirror. Cue lots of brilliant snuggling. My favourite time of my whole maternity leave was those first couple of months with DS gently sleeping on my chest anywhere and everywhere [misty-eyed emoticon, reminising while listening to DS (now 2) having a massive tantrum at DH about getting out of the bath he didn't want to get in....]