Still co-sleeping with 3 yr old, new baby due shortly

[mummyof2byapril]

Hi guys, my midwife is coming to see me tomorrow with a support worker, they all seem to think it's very important that my son whom has just turned 3 should be in his own bed.
I've told them it's too difficult, etc, but the truth is I LIKE us co-sleeping.
It's one of my favourite times with him, we both go to sleep together around 9pm and we'll sing nursery rhymes, read stories and then i'll stroke his head till he falls asleep and it's really nice.
It doesn't feel natural to me to have him exhiled to another room.
Now I have a new baby due in 7 weeks.
I would also like to co-sleep with this one, lol which must sound ridiculous :-)
I would love a big, safe family bed, like how they do in other cultures.
I'm a single mum I should note, (no man here).
Well my support team are saying my son needs to get in his own room and my new baby mut go in a cot etc..
But if it can be done safely I would feel much better with my baby next to me.
I know to keep the temperature snug in the room, so baby only needs thin blanket with air holes, and stays high up on bed, far away from my blanket.
I would have my 3 yr old on opposite side of bed so he won't come and squish baby.
Does anyone have any advice so my midwife support workers don't think I'm just being irresponsible.
Co-sleeping is really important to me.

Just to be devil's advocate - what is important for your child? You say that you like co-sleeping and it's important for you. Is it important for your son? Or would it be better for him if he could learn how to go to sleep by himself and have the independence of having his own bedroom with his own things in it?

Ultimately they're your kids and it's your decision so whatever the midwife says, you are free to ignore if you want.

He does have his own bedroom ready to move into, with his own bed that's never been slept in and his thomas the tank engine quilt etc
I'm unsure, I worry that children forced to sleep alone would be more likely to have nightmares etc.
His emotional wellbeing is very important to me. He seems very happy, falls asleep saying 'love loo mummy' and wakes up smiling at me, etc..
I was thinking of waiting untill he wants to sleep in his own bed, maybe when he's 4 or something :-) and I'll keep adding nice things to his bedroom and that.

If new baby is next to me to be instantly comforted and breastfed I don't think he will be too disruptive, if he full on cries I can take him downstairs..

Over the years I have tried few times to get him to sleep seperately as people have been quick to advise me that co-sleeping was the source of all our woes and he needs to be in his own bed.
He has screamed for hours on end during our trials, other times I've left when he fell asleep and I've lay there for 5 hours not being able to sleep worrying about him alone.
Now it's got to the point where I'm thinking if it's not broken, don't fix it, our co-sleeping isn't a problem.

can you get one of those bedside cots with one side coming down? that way baby has his/her own safe place to sleep, but you are still co-sleeping.

good luck- many people make it work (many more than you'd think!)

I sympathize as I love co-sleeping with my 2-year old DD too. No good advice, I'm afraid. Could you write out or photocopy from a book the guidelines for co-sleeping safely? Just to show that you are making an educated decision.

the sears book has plenty of good advice about co-sleeping

i think, and i may be wrong that co-sleeping with a baby and toddler shouldn't be done (i will have to dig the book out)

i think it is because the toddler isn't as aware of the baby as a breastfeeding mum is

having said that if you slept in the middle of the 2 of them, it shouldn;t be an issue

Why not have the baby in the cot right next to your bed until he is old enough to sleep safely with you.
I agree if it's not broken.....

It has absolutely bugger all to do with your midwife and HV. I co sleep with my 3yr old - he has his own room , car themed and pink just as he requested but he prefers to be with me, and like you - i really cherish the cuddly time we have together.

My second baby (due two days ago - grrrrr) will also be co-sleeping with us. Breastfeeding and being available to meet her needs are very important to our family. My husband has been exiled to another room, but that really is for snoring violations - we did get a huge family bed but i just wanted to smother him :-)

I truly believe cosleeping when planned for and all precautions taken is very safe. Have you read "Three in a Bed" by Deborah Jackson? IT is a great confidence booster if you feel like you need some back up.

not their business. bloody cheek of them

I think right now is probably the worst time to stop co-sleeping with your son, it's the best way to create jealousy between him and the new baby: New baby is arriving, so the "old" baby gets kicked out of mummy's bed!

Don't let yourself be pressured into something that you don't want to do!

I have found that "agreeing" with the professionals and/or mother-in-law and then doing your own thing behind their backs is sometimes the easiest solution and certainly worked on co-sleeping issues with me.

I co-slept with both my toddler and newborn and it was fine. I slept in the middle so DS1 couldn't squash his brother.

Just nod and smile at your m/w. Then do it your way.

ask support worker for help to get a new bedrail. that would be useful.

If it was me I would get a moses basket readu to show them and say "Oh yes you are absolutely right, I won't sleep with both of them in the same bed." And then do exactly what I intended to do in the first place.

It is nothing to do with them where your 3 year old sleeps though, and I would not let them get away with suggesting anything WRT him.

I have co-slept with both my dc's , with ds until he was 2.5yrs & dd (longer) as she is 4yrs old now & only trying this week to settle her in her own room , which is turning into a nightmare tbh , i know its my fault as i have left it too long , but she is waking up 4-5 times a night & screaming for me , she will cry for up to two hours before she will drop off & i feel horrible now for not settling her two years ago like i did my ds ,

Why the )&$£)(£&$£&$ is it anyone's* business where your kids sleep? Or what you feed them? Or what clothes they wear? So bloody annoying! Why don't they get on with their jobs?

I co-sleep with 4-month old DS and I intend to carry on until he stops b/f at night or until he's 12-14 months. I do think older kids should have their own bed but that's my opinion and I'm not forcing it on anyone. DS will be welcome in our bed for a cuddle and when he's ill and I'm sure DH won't mind too badly.

Swisskat is right tho, now is the worst time to kick your son out of your bed! What you could do when your DC2 is older tho, is try and get them two to co-sleep separately from you. One way to do that would be to put their 2 beds side-by-side, so that they're together but still have their own beds. Then if one of them wants their privacy at some point they can have it by simply moving the bed.

I do think it's up to you what you do with your kids (as long as you're a good mum which sounds like you are ) the only thing I'd be a bit worried about tho is, if your kids still share your bed every night when they start school, they might get bullied if they mention it to their mates. You could still let them in your bed as an occasional treat tho

still fuming at your midwife, OP

elmofan could you maybe try and put her bed into your room as an interim measure? Or move your kids in together (if your son doesn't mind of course)? OR tell her you'll stay with her in her bed until she goes to sleep and then go to your room, and if she stays in her bed for 2 nights, you'd let her sleep on your bed on the 3rd night, then 4th, then 5th etc.?

thanks whosleptinmyporridgeandbr we cant really put her bed in our room as our house is up for sale at the moment & have to keep it neat & tidy for viewers etc but i have started a sticker chart with her , and she seems very excited about that but in the middle of the night she couldn't care less , all she wants is me , she falls asleep in my room with me lying beside her , then i carry her into her own bed , but that only last for about two hours then she wakes up & screams for me , i go into her until she nods off again but this can be up to five times a night , she has atopic eczema which really doesn't help as the itch wakes her up a lot during the night . ds is 11yrs so no way would he put up with her in his room .

I thik that's a brilliant idea to put my boys in beds next to each other in the future :-) Me and my sister used to love doing that.
My soon to be newborn will be one and a half when older DS starts school, maybe could try it them.

Thanksyou everybody by the way, I agree last thing I want to do is kick DS1 out and make him think baby is replacing him.

I have a support worker and a CAF team because I fled domestic violence last year and am just settling into the area alone.
The team watch me and that I'm co-operating to tick their boxes..
I think I will get a moses basket and say I intend on using it, I will have baby sleep in cot/basket alone next to bed if baby doesn't mind! But I imagine in reality that would result in baby waking up constantly, whereas when they're next to you with boob available it's soooo much easier to sleep :-p
I've seen a special baby matress which is designed to go in mummy's bed that looks interesting, has a kind of support mold around it, esp for cosleeping :-)
If I'm ever over tired I know not to co sleep, and I know the dangers of thick quilts being near baby, etc..

arg @ my amount of typos, excuse me please!

elmofan
I think I felt like you do now, when I had to force my son off the breast a few months back.
Getting to nearly age 3 and BF was starting to feel uncomfortable for me, as I'm sure co-sleeping was getting for you.
But hopefully a few weeks of hell WILL pay off and the struggle will all be forgotten.
I learnt on supernanny just be consistant.
You really have to get tough at times like that :-/ even walking them back to their bed 30 times+ and not communicating with them, pays off, have you seen those episodes?
Supernanny's techniques could help?

This has is none of your midwife's business - do what feels right for you. My sister and I co-slept with our mom until we were about 5 and she remarried (Dad worked away and then divorced). IMO co-sleeping is great for breastfeeding and gettng some rest too, am doing it at the mo with DS (4 months). I like it too and also wonder for whose benefit I am really co-sleeping but I love it and love being so close to my son. It just feels right, and he is such a happy and very easy baby. Good luck with the last few weeks of your preganancy.

If I were a single mum I would absolutely have both children in my bed (due in june, DS is 2). I think if you are following the safe co-sleeping guidelines, then it is none of their business (would they interfere if someone was doing something which is AFAIK, more 'dangerous' like putting their baby to sleep on their front?)

I'd recommend '3 in a bed' by deborah jackson, which points out many problems with the studies that apparently show that co-sleeping is unsafe.

I'd also recommend a bedside cot, just for a bit more space (and it would shut the midwife up, even though you shouldn't have to)

Personally I would just lie to the midwife. She has her own room, who is to say where she sleeps.

(My DS feeds to sleep, goes into his own bed asleep and sometimes sleeps through, and sometimes spends half the night in our bed)

I co sleep with DS1 (coming up to 3) and DS2 (3 months). DS2 has moses basket next to bed but only sometimes will settle in it. I am keen to move DS2 out into his own bed soon, but wasn't keen on trying so close to arrival of new brother and all the emotional upheaval that would be.

I sleep in the middle and am careful about covers etc. DS2 takes up most of the bed, despite his size, because of the 'exclusion zone' I have set up around him!

I have mentioned it in passing to my HV when she did the post birth checks but she didn't really say much. As long as you are doing it as safely as possible its not really any of their business. I can see they are only doing their jobs but telling you where your son should sleep is overstepping it I think in the situation where you are making an informed choice.