I am failing as a mother

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

And I know as my 8 year old has just told me

"You are giving me bad care and you are bad parents."

It all just went nuclear. How much longer can I fuck up their lives by being shite at this mother lark?

A neighbour watched them for 5 minutes for me today and then told them she wouldn't watch them while I walked the dog as she couldn't trust them to behave . I nearly cried.

I have tried so hard and had so many posts and help on here but I am just not up to it.

DH has shouted at the 8 year old, scared me, made me feel rubbish and responsible and i just feel like crying.

I am in so much pain atm, dh has to work tonight and has huge work stresses and I just break my heart over ds1 as I love him so much. He deserves better.

fab - we all have bad days where we think we are crap with our children , you are not on your own , do you think parenting classes might help at all ? might they give you some confidence in dealing with ds1 ?

fab what do you do that you class as shite parenting?

Shouting at them.

Smacking them.

I swore I would never smack them and I have done so. No excuse.

Ok smacking not good but you know what, a lot of us have been there when under extreme pressure.

What pressure are you under that is stopping you being the parent you want to be

perhaps you could look into some parenting courses as this is an ongoing issue?

There is a parenting course available through SureStart called "Webster Stratton programme". Speak to the doctor or HV at your surgery. There is a book that goes with the course which my HV gave me for free. I'm still waiting for a place.

If you can't get hold of it I will lend it to you.

Children know which buttons to press and sometimes its hard not to react. I hate myself when I have yelled at my ds which in return knocks my confidence.

I am on waiting list for parenting class. One woman phoned me last night and was so nice. Gave me some great advice me my a-socail 6 yr old, who is good as gold at school, but rude and a pain with me and dh. He doesn't reapond to rewards and punishments. And I lvoe him but don't like him. I phoned and asked for help becasue this is not the family life I wanted. It is nott hat bad, his behaviour, just wearing and draining. and it has been the same for the last 1.5 years, even though i have tried everyhting i know adn tried to be consistant. and yes i shout too much. which is not good parenting. and i smacked before. quite a few times. then stopped that becasue it was wrong/and not working. not proud.

so please don't think you are alone.
give yourself a break and get soem good advice, like i did.

I just feel so crap. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have had them when I am so messed up and that breaks my heart as I love them so much.

fab
you are not a bad parent
you are not failing

I am against smacking
but I have smacked

just because we are parents does not make us superhuman

please dont feel bad

I dont have any real advice
I'm pretty much screwing it all up myself atm

TR you are doing great and should give yourself a break. It is so flipping hard.

trinity & fab i think you should both give yourselves a break tbh , you both have gone through some really bad times , you are both very brave .

Reasons you are not a crap mom:

1. Your 8 year old is confident enough to communicate to you. He isn't scared of you, but knows that you care enough about him to change or want to change. Whether or not he is pushing your buttons isn't entirely clear.

1. A mom who is genuinely crap, wouldn't think they are crap. They wouldn't ask for help, and that's what makes you a human mother. No one is perfect, but you are not a failing mother. One who is failing doesn't think there is anything wrong, but rather blames others -- i.e. the kids are bad, nothing to do with you etc. You aren't saying this.

1. You aren't blind to your faults. You seem to be very realistic, but if I may say so, you seem to be very harsh on yourself.

I don't have any specific advice, but you are absolutely not a failing mother. Really.

I love the confidence he has. I was scared to speak as a child never mind argue, answer back, etc etc so I see it is positive but equally I also know that I shouldn't be letting my childhood affect how I parent.

My kids have lots of toys and clothes - I had none.

I constantly cook and bake for my kids - I was never fed.

He gets attention when I never did, I always tell him I love him when no one ever told me but I can't fix me through them.

Fab no one pats themselves on the back and congratulates themselves on being a good parent.

Most folk feel they are doing a reasonable, but by no means perfect job.

It sounds like you maybe need to chalk the bad moments up to experience and not let them determine how you parent for the rest of the day.

it also sounds liek you have extremeley high expectations of yourself too, give yourself a break we are all human.

If you cock up, admit it to your son and to yourself but don;t allow it to hang over you.

I felt like I was being held to ransom tonight as he wrote a note to say he was leaving home at 3am and taking his sister with him. He said he was going out with the window. I am just scared he will get out of the house in the night or hurt himself.

Of the window, I don't think he would take the window with him .

you sound like you are doing a great job to me tbh , you give your dc's unconditional love & that's what makes a good mum in my book . your childhood sounds horrific but please dont let those experiences determine who you are now iykwim , xx

Don;t leave a bad atmosphere before he goes to bed

He was sent to bed ages ago, all friends, but he has just come down asking a silly question when he should be asleep. I reminded him he said he would listen when talking over dh and he has gone back up. dd and ds2 are asleep thankfully.

Tomorrow is another day. We all have bad days.

You don't sound like a bad parent. Just a stressed parent who is riddled with guilt at not being perfect. Is anyone out there prepared to admit they are perfect? I'm certainly not.

I suffer with 'mummy guilt' all the time. It's all to easy to look at other parents and the 'perfect' front they manage to portray and think they are somehow better than you or have it all together. One thing I've come to realise though is that we ALL have our problems, issues and circumstances. Kids and families don't come with a manual, we are all simply doing the best we know how. Sometimes we get it wrong, but hopefully we get it right a lot more.

If you want training or help, google Care for the Family. They have great resources and events.

I have no desire to be perfect. TBH anything I do for my kids is more than I had, even living with them is more than my parents gave me, but I also know I am messing them up in different ways.

Thankfully DH has the rest of the week off as I am in absolute agony.

Fab, do you just nned a sympathetic ear or do you want practical advice as to what to do next. when you say agony, what do you mean ?
how can we help you ? what help is it that you want ?

Fab, I think 8 is a fairly common age for saying 'that's it, you are a 'orrible mum, I am going to run away and join the circus' or whatever. Bless him, though, he was going to take his little sis! Honestly I think you are taking it too hard. This makes it easy for him to make you feel bad about parenting decisions that he disagrees with, eg. 'ti's bedtime.' He will be feeling that he is not a little kid anymore and you're still trying to treat him like one! (how very dare you!)

Sorry, I have just got back. DH took us all out for the day and we have had a lovely time. I am exhausted though and still in a lot of pain.

I am seeing an osteopath as I damaged my neck in November and only started treatment 3 or so weeks ago. Something went yesterday and I have had really bad back pain all day and can't twist round. I have been trying to get an earlier osteopath appointment since yesterday afternoon but have one for late morning tomorrow so hanging on for that.