Top tips for partners on being helpful in the first couple of weeks post birth

[Carriel]

I thought of putting this in birth announcements for all those newly given birth as it should be fresher in their minds - but I'm sure everyone could think of a few things they wish someone had told their partner that would have helped them through those first couple of weeks.
What do you wish someone had told your other half? (it's for the mumsnet book, so just think of the thousands of folks you'll be helping...)In fact any advice/tips on surviving that first week would be most welcome, so cast your minds back....

To take charge of who was allowed to visit and for how long. I was too tired and emotional and people just called or turned up and stayed/talked for ages. I wish my ex had answered the phone or door and said 'thanks for stopping by/calling' but nows not such a good time.

As it was he just sat in the corner watching TV and left me to deal with entertaining guests.

Probably why he's my ex!!!

My dh was a star, whenever ds needed a night time feed he would make me a small cup of tea and bring me a biscuit to eat while feeding him. Then he would re-swaddle ds for me (I was crap at swaddling!) and put him back in his moses basket, often changing him too. It was lovely, felt like we were really in it together and lovely that he was such a part of the night time routine despite having to get up for work etc.

Assuming it is a first time mother:

Main job is as gatekeeper - allow you the visitors you want, keep away those you don't, throw out those who have overstayed, make tea for all of them. Ditto screening phone calls - he can take most of them and only pass across those you want to talk to.

Provide new mother with constant supply of water, tea and coffee (don't wait to be asked), ensure she eats, take baby while she does eat (as babies somehow know to scream everytime food hits the table), keep fridge stocked up with necessary foods.

Tell her that everything she is doing is fantastic, you are very proud of her, you think she and baby are wonderful and you love them - self confidence is very low in new mothers and they need as much boosting as possible.

Make sure that when the baby is settled new mother gets as much sleep as possible - during day as well as night - and not rushing around doing pointless "essential" tasks like cleaning the worktops in the kitchen. Put her to bed if necessary.

Write as many thank you letters for presents and flowers as possible so she doesn't have to do it.

Do as much with the baby as you can, (nappy changing, winding, taking it for walks, baths etc) but don't take it personally if she appears to criticise the way you do it all - ride with it and tell yourself it will get better soon.

Don't take it personally if you find her in tears for no reason at all - hormones - just keep telling her how wonderful she is.

If your mother arrives to help, keep a close eye on how it is going - if she appears to be winding your wife up, whether or not you think it is justified - try to step in and defuse the situation

That's all I can think of for now!

That speed bumps should be driven over v e r y s l o w l y on the way home from the hospital

Buy your partner flowers or a present - I told my DP after DS1 that I was not impressed he didn't get me any, did he remember for DS2 ??? NO, i mean what do i have to do to get a present !!!

take at least two weeks off work. don't know how many guys i see at work who are back in the office a week or less after the baby arrives. two weeks much better.

If he is off work, and you are bottle feeding or expressing, persuade him to do all the nights feeds - you need your sleep more than he does - especially if recovering from a traumatic birth or c-section.

Do not make me laugh. It hurts my stitches.

It's normal for me to cry, and be paranoid about being a good enough parent. Don't try to solve every problem I come up with - sometimes I just need your sympathy, not a resolution

As the pricess says the most important thing is to tell the mum how brilliant she is, how wonderful their baby is and how delighted he is to be a dad. Do all the washing, drying & putting away that a new baby seems to generate. Get everything organised so nappies, cream etc can be found when they're needed. Realise that to a new mum the world is a suddenly scary place full of dangers to her baby - especially if you've been in the hospital for a while.

Go to Mothercare daily for all the things you forgot to buy beforehand - or was that just us? Oh, and the classic - work out how the car seat fits - yes it was us panicking on Christmas Day in the snow. Luckily ds seemed unfazed by it all.

Not to get narky when new mother is shuffling around the supermarket due to pain from cs wound/stitches.

Remember when she needs her pain meds - she'll be too tired/too out of it to remember.

Offer to carry lift everything especially baby.

Don't leave new cs mum marooned on sofa unable to get up holding baby.

Install car seat before collecting mum and baby from hospital, not while both are stood freezing in the snow in the car park!

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

At one of our NCT meetings there was a discussion about whether eating enough carbohydrate could help stave off PND.

Don't know if there is any truth in it but dh was concerned enough to make sure he put me 2 rounds of sandwiches in the fridge everyday before he left for work. Thinking back, a flask of tea would have been useful too..

Dh also made a sign for the front door asking cold callers not to ring the doorbell.

When new mother is bawling her eyes out at 1am screaming 'you can't still be hungry you've been feeding all evening', give her a big hug and sit with her until the small demon is asleep.

If you have a regular postperson let them know you've just had a baby. Ours (admittedly, the best postman in the world) used to hang on to all parcels & packets until the living room curtains were open and switched us from being the first house on the route to the last. Actually perhaps I should start a thread about wonderful posties...

Hire a postnatal doula for a few hours a week to give your wife the "womanly/motherly" support that she might need like debriefing her birth (how many times does he want to hear it?), giving her support when breastfeeding and doing what ever would suit the mum like cooking, bathing older kids, school runs....

As a postnatal doula I work with mums who still have their partners at home for a few days and the stuff I do for them I don't see many men "able" to do as they are things we women do best (which includes moral support on breastfeeding, coping with night feeds, crying baby,...).... not trying to be politically incorrect.... just reporting on what I see/experience.

sorry - I have millions as I have been thru it recently (again)!

1. Put a message on the phone telling everyone the bare essentials and asking them not to leave non urgent messages - that means you dont have to ring back/listen to them

2. Have a friend who can give your circle of friends updates and therefore avoid calls

3. This is from a a Hv - kep the itroning board up aso that if people bore you you can say well I must get on with the ironing - true friends do it - others leave!!

4. Go out to school/ to neighbours when you can - this pre empts millions of visits.

5.As someone else said - lots of praise and lots of food - holding the baby while you eat / bath is good

6. Dont contradict or do competitive tiredness. If b feeding hurts it does and if she is tired she is - No messin!

7. a "maternity ring" (soupys gag) is always welcome no matter what it costs. It s alovely memory and token of respect.

8. sleep in seperate bedrooms if you can. Let ONE of you be tired and the other one do hthe other children and sympathy. We have tried the shared feeding and it was a disaster.

Sure I will think of more...

Ps Our postman was also sensitive ( father of five)

I saw him approaching with several parcels one day and I asked if they were for me (rubbing hands together) and he made my day by saying" No actually they are for charles" AAh.

Remember that things will get better...

And accept the fact you're going to row - try and keep it to a minimum, please (she's fragile, dammit), but realise you're both under enormous strain and this DOESN'T necessarily mean your relationship is completely on the rocks!

(can you spot woman about to sprog for second time?)

Don't complain about lack of sleep... or sex!

Be proactive about taking your share, don't just hover while she does things.

Take time to sit, hold the baby close and fall in love. Your partner's had 9 months of contact with this baby - now it' s your turn to get to know him/her.

Don't leave new mum in hospital mid morning to go home, phone everyone you know and then fall asleep all day and evening no matter how tired and traumatised you are! (New mum meanwhile getting frantic with both phone and mobile switched off. DH finally turns up at 9pm to get told off by concerned midwives!)

The first day is for sharing!

Apart from that DH was a star. Best thing - taking DS downstairs in the middle of the night (for weeks!) and swinging him to sleep in the hammock so I could get some sleep.

From the dads perspective.

• Get stuck in to as much childcare as possible - if you only have 2 weeks off, it'll be the only chance you get to develop your infant care skills (apart from holidays)

• Don't let your partner dictate the way you do things with the baby - holding, changing nappies, comforting etc - you need to develop your own ways, and men and women hold and care for babies differently. Her way is not the best way for you - your way is - all it takes is practice.

• Realise that babycare is a learnt skill - not an inherant one - you're not born with it - you get it the more you do - and it's the same for men and women - so the more you do the better you get - so do more!

• Be there for all meetings with midwives and health visitors, so you get all the info as well

• If you're off work, get up at nights to help with feeds (this will happen anyway if it was a caeser)

• Be aware of the benefits of breastfeeding and talk to her aboutit, but be totally supportive of your partner's feeding - just support her choices - b/fing or not. If she wants to bf, support her. If she finds it too difficult, support her. Whatever she wants to do, support her, talk through the options with her and don't push her.

• Like others have said - gatekeeping - especially when partner is breastfeeding - double especially if your family is there (triple especially if your dad is there - ask your partner how she feels about feeding in front of your dad and take her seriously)

• Brighten up your partners day on a regular basis - however you can

• If your baby is bottle fed, send your partner off on a day trip for shopping/cinema etc and take over for a whole day

• If your baby is breastfed, encourage your partner to express, then when you've enough for a feed, send her off for a shopping/cinema trip as soon as she finishes a feed, through the next one, so she can get back for the one after that.

• If she's b/feeding, make sure she's got a drink and she's comfy - ask every time if there's anything she needs... tv remote, chocolate, tea, etc...

• When you're back at work, finish on time and get home, and don't expect a break.

• If you can afford it, hire a cleaner for a couple of weeks and someone to do the ironing.

• Take personal responsibility for parts of the baby's day - e.g. bathtime, bedtime

• Get involved in the choice of buggy - don't let her go off with her mum and come back with a pink lace monstrosity - they'll only blame you for not taking the baby for walks at a later date!

• Read read read as much as you can - don't get left behind

• EXPECT the quality of your relationship to suffer in the short term - anything up to a month. Don't moan about the lack of sex - that's what your right hand is for.

• Get used to the change of use for breasts (if she is b/feeding) - they'll come back, don't worry.

• Take responsibility for finding about childcare with your partner - talk about options, research nurseries, arrange visits etc.

• (this one will be controversial) IF her not working would mean you become a work-slave, object to her staying at home full time. Why should you miss out on being involved in your child's life and she not take any responsibility for breadwinning - share both!

be in charge of taking flattering photos of the new mum and baby so there's something to treasure (mine are truly awful )

a cuddle and reassurance before the tears start

being there - 2 weeks minimum

Oops = I meant to say "anything up to a year plus", not "anything up to a month"!

am I the omly one who found my dh a waste of time at night?

I can cope much beter with a lack of sleep and he has not been up once with my 12 weeker - instead he has gone to work and got up with the other two and indulged my tiredness. I reckon a much better solution.

Ps I hated expressing and would not want to be encouraged to do it!

do not go and celebrate with your mates the day after the birth and get arrested for arguing with a taxi driver (whydaddy did that)

I think (crime aside!) thats it is nice for the dad to go out and enjoy a little adulation after all the mUm gets a lot.

sighs...Knows this will be controversial