Miserable and regretting having 2nd child

[smackapacka]

Writing this down is awful. I have been thinking about this all day. Stupidly I have read some parenting books which have completely contradicted each other and made me feel worse. I think I should go to the doctors and talk about PND, but in the meantime I would honestly appreciate some other points of view.

I have a 2yo DD and an 11 week old DS. I don't think I have bonded well with the baby. I actually get irritated by him. All his physical needs are met, but I don't feel that maternal love that other people talk about. He's waking twice in the night for feeding, but MY DH does one of the feeds so I can't really complain about sleep deprivation.

I have good family support, I'm still on mat leave and the 2yo is in childcare 2 days a week. We dont have any particular money worries, the kids are healthy (although I suspect baby may have reflux, which I have an appointment at the GPs to discuss).

Every day brings interesting stimuating stuff for them, I'm not isolated, my DH is great with them but at the moment I just want to leave. I could never imagine thinking this, never mind expressing this to others but I can't shake off this feeling of inaequacy and apathy about parenting. I have never hurt the children and never been cruel to them but I just feel that I don't like them very much. It must have got better with the first for us to consider having a second, but now I just feel he was a mistake. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I can't imagine him knowing I feel this way. I have just spoken to DH on the phone (he's at work), but I think he just thinks I'm being melodramatic.

PND is the most obvious, and surely the most likely explanation. Accept that all the things you are thinking are the result of your inevitable irrationality while under the influence of this and seek help, the sooner the better. You won't always feel this way.

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You need to see your GP pronto re the PND possibility - it does sound quite likely from what you've said.

And you also need to remind yourself that loads of mothers don't bond with their babies the moment they see them - sometimes you fall in love with them at once, sometimes it sort of creeps up on you and you suddenly realise that you have well and truly bonded.

And babies are so different - it's easy to assume DC2 will be just like DC1, or DC3 like DC2, etc., and the difference can take some adjustment. You're including a whole new person into a well-established family, and that's not necessarily going to happen smoothly.

I'm sure you'll be fine, you sound like you're doing really well re the practical stuff but please see your GP. Book the appointment tomorrow morning.

I had PND when DD was 10 months old (probably before that but never sought help). I took Citalopram for 2 months which seemed to really help.

The other thing that makes me feel dreadful is the fact that i fell pregnant so easily both times and I had straightforward pregnancies. I know of a couple who are going through IVF (I'm not close to them), but every time I get angry I think what they wouldn't give to have that noise in their lives IYKWIM. I feel that my children deserve a better mother (BTW I'm not suicidal or anything).

I just wanted to echo that you won't feel this way forever.

Seeing your GP about this is really important - confiding in your health visitor may also be worthwhile if you feel you can talk to her/him about this. It's one thing they probably do know a little bit about.

And keep talking on here. It will get better, promise.

Thank-you

I saw the HV on Thurs but becuase DS is thriving they don't seem that interested in anything else. I know it's going to have to take me to go and get help rather than help coming to me.

I'm sure PND will account for how you feel about the baby, but 2 year olds are stressful too. You are meeting their physical and emotional needs as best you can which is great.

You are the loser in this situation at the moment - not them. You will grow to love your baby more as he turns into a little person.

I hated looking after babies - even though I did love them intensely right away. I couldn't wait for them to get older. I thought I was hopeless, too. When they were little I even used to smack them sometimes when I was angry and frustrated. Looking back it makes me so sad to think of it even though I didn't hit them hard and never around the head or face. I managed to stop this when they were 6 & 7 - I just realised it was wrong and not achieving anything.

But things did get better and on balance I think I've been a good mum. They are 14 and 16 now and just the most brilliant young people.

Just wanted to say: Give it a little time.

my DD (No. 2) is 6MO now and we are getting along gerat. DS (No. 1) is 20MO and has adjusted well (not sure he can remember a time without DD.

But I found the first 3 months incredibly tough.. Not so much physically, but because (as you say) I felt irritated when DD wanted something (esp. if it clashed with what DS wanted / needed).

I felt horrid because I didn't feel the same rush of love / babymoon (whatever you like to call it) with DD as I did with DS... In fact, I felt like DD was intruding on the perfect little set up I had with DS.

6MO and we are through and doing really well...

Obviously, I am not downplaying PND but sometimes you just need a little time to readjust.

Also, I found it really helpful (still do) to sometimes leave DS and just have a little time with DD.

HTH XXX

I think it's also really quite hard to tell people that you feel you are not coping, especially when they quite obviously think that everything is fine. Its also perfectly possible to be doing everything right practically but still not be OK at all. I note that you say that there is interesting stimulating stuff for your children, but nothing about yourself - are you getting to do anything you find interesting and stimulating?

I didn't have PND with my two, but I found babyhood very boring and depressing and went back to work when ds was 6mths, and dd was 3mths. We had a lovely nanny who thought babies were fabulous, but I do think it is quite normal for some women to find them suffocating and boring too. I bonded with my children much more as they became older and ore interesting, and I don't think I ever felt the deeply in love thing when they were babies that some books go on about. I'm not sure it's very helpful that they assume we all feel the same way about babies.

How did you feel about babies before you had them? Sometimes we have an image of how we should be as mothers that bears little resemblance to the people we actually are, and therefore of course we can't live up to that.

Thanks forty. I'm so aware of wanting this phase to pass, but I seem to think that alot. I wonder what the point of having children is when all I seem to do is want them to grow up.

I really envy people who say they had this overwhelming rush of love when they gave birth. I had 2 very undramatic C-sections and felt distinctly underwhelmed. I always think my failure to BF both of them accounts for alot too.

I have said before that if I did smack my children I would do it so hard in such a fit of temper I know I'd damage them. I have been close, but "luckily" I only broke my own finger in the worst case. I punched a very hard floor in frustration when DD wouldn't stop screaming... that was the first round of PND.

Nooka - I was going to have a home birth, breast feed and wrap their perfect bottoms in cloth... My hospital C-section, formula fed disposable nappy wearing babies had other ideas!

I think I had impossibly high expectations of parenthood which were completely unsustainable.

To answer your question about what I do for myself... I'm just about to start exercising someone's horse again. It's a bit tricky with childcare but I have shoehorned in some time to do somthing that is just for me.

I felt exactly like this from the first night of having my second. I didn't have that initial rush of love, and just cried and cried, thinking I had made some awful mistake. All I could think about were the sleepless nights to come, the pain of BF etc etc - anything negative, and why on earth had I put myself through it all over again.

This lasted a long time - I was fed up with the inconvenience that he brought into my life. I never sought help, but I suspect it was a touch of PND. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because it's not natural is it?

Anyway, he is now 4 and I absolutely adore him! He started to look sweeter, sleep better, develop his own personality and everything fell into place.

It WILL get better for you, and you won't believe that you felt like this, but I would definitely talk to your GP.

This has really helped. Thank-you everyone. I'm going to bed now but will check back in tomorrow.

smackapacka -

Well I think you need to remember that the desire to have a family is not necessarily the same as the desire to have babies. They aren't babies for very long (thank goodness!), but they are your children forever. I grew to love and appreciate my children more and more as they got older, especially after they stared to be able to communicate. Some people find it very sad watching their children grow up, but I love that. So stop beating yourself up! So what if you don't like babies much, not everyone does.

Glad you are getting to do something you enjoy - it's not good when the life you had that you enjoyed seems to disappear.

smacka - you remember how your baby goes through different phases? Well, so do you. It may be PND, it may not. But it won't last. 11 weeks is still early days, so you sound like you're being very hard on yourself.

Also it's quite common for mothers to not experience overwhelming love towards one of their children when a new baby comes along. It's all part of a period of readjustment.

Got to go now, but be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. Focus on the small, good things that happen from moment to moment.

I'm in a slightly different situation as I've only got DS - but I felt the same when he was born - no overwhelming rush of love,and even now it seems a hassle if he wants something when I'm busy. With hindsight I think I was on the borderline of PND when he was born but I've always been pretty good at yanking myself out of ruts without intervention.

That all said, we've decided we're going to TTC DC2 in a couple of months. I know it's not the same as your situation but the point I'm making is that I've got a baby I felt the same way about as you feel about your DS and I'm now going to have another, so it does get better!!

I felt very much like you after the birth of DS. I was quickly diagnosed with PND by my very good doc - she emphasised how important it is to treat promptly.

Do speak to your GP or phone your HV.

Once you feel better you will realise how much you love your DS. The sooner you get help, the better for you both.

Smacka - you really need to speak to your GP or HV, all indications are that you are suffering PND.

I am pg with No.2, but can relate to so many of the things with the birth of my DS (3 years ago).

I didn't have that burst of love. I didn't have the high of having a newborn. I could not relate to the way other people described feeling about their newborn babies.

I also had some very dark thoughts along the vein of 'what is the point of all of this'.

It has taken me 3 years to be open and honest and realise that this was hormone based and not down to me being a bad mother.

I can totally relate to the rationalising thing that you are doing (ie; I used to think I have a lovely DH, great family, lovely home, no money worries etc. etc.), but hormones don't give a stuff about that sort of thing.

You def. need to speak to someone to help you through this.

Gosh, yes! I was a great one for 'rational' thoughts. It just made me feel worse! I have loving dh, supportive family, great friends, no particular money worries - I must be a terrible person to feel like this when I should be so happy and others are so much worse off than me etc etc.

And it really is just hormones messing with your head. After all - what are we but a bunch of chemicals/electrical impulses etc - it can't take much to upset the balance.

But there is hope for the future... you will work through this and your love will grow. But don't delay getting help so you can work through it more easily. I followed the 'stiff upper lip/pull yourself together' route and it took me 6 years - don't make the same mistake as me!

A Million thanks to you all. Since last night...

DH has arranged for MIL to have both kids on Sunday so I have a day to myself (he works)

I have booked a Chiropractor App for my son regarding reflux.

I have just been to the GP and got citalopram - low dose at my request.

So even now everything does look better.

Funny the rationalisation that we do - like we can't feel bad as there are others worse off.

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smackapacka - good for you! Just taking some positive action is already helping you - that's great. Good luck