Miserable and regretting having 2nd child

[smackapacka]

Writing this down is awful. I have been thinking about this all day. Stupidly I have read some parenting books which have completely contradicted each other and made me feel worse. I think I should go to the doctors and talk about PND, but in the meantime I would honestly appreciate some other points of view.

I have a 2yo DD and an 11 week old DS. I don't think I have bonded well with the baby. I actually get irritated by him. All his physical needs are met, but I don't feel that maternal love that other people talk about. He's waking twice in the night for feeding, but MY DH does one of the feeds so I can't really complain about sleep deprivation.

I have good family support, I'm still on mat leave and the 2yo is in childcare 2 days a week. We dont have any particular money worries, the kids are healthy (although I suspect baby may have reflux, which I have an appointment at the GPs to discuss).

Every day brings interesting stimuating stuff for them, I'm not isolated, my DH is great with them but at the moment I just want to leave. I could never imagine thinking this, never mind expressing this to others but I can't shake off this feeling of inaequacy and apathy about parenting. I have never hurt the children and never been cruel to them but I just feel that I don't like them very much. It must have got better with the first for us to consider having a second, but now I just feel he was a mistake. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I can't imagine him knowing I feel this way. I have just spoken to DH on the phone (he's at work), but I think he just thinks I'm being melodramatic.

Your OP is me. Seriously, I actually told a few people that I hated my newborn, and I believed it. Life would have been better without him. I made sure he was warm, dry, and had a full tummy, but I just couldnt bring myself to do the gurgling/smiling/playing with him. I used to want him to sleep so he was out the way and I could get on with my housework and spend time with my 2yr old princess. I actually rang my HV when he was abou 15 weeks old, cryin my eyes out, telling her I wanted him adopted!

Im now, a year later, on Citalopram (20mg) and never felt better. My son is adorable, but Im still bonding with him daily.

I almost feel like I want him to get to two, so I can give myself a pat on the back about getting through the baby stage.

Dont feel bad about writing it down. Typing is easier than talking, and makes you feel better as you can re-read it at times of dispair.

Keep talking to us, and good luck x

Glad you have got some stuff sorted out, hope it all goes well for you from now on. Also remember that the leap from 1 DC to 2 is a HUGE shock - far worse IMO than having your first. However that really wears off, and it becomes normal to you again........then you have your 3rd!!

Smackapacka, glad that you are taking positive steps.

This has really helped. I also had a long converstaion with my brother who has 3 children... just knowing other people have had the same dramas makes me feel less of a freak.

Christiana - I did take citalopram last year for 2 months. I never felt weird on it, but a couple of dizzy spells. Small price to pay for everyones sanity! I think doing something - anything always helps. I did have to chuckle at nsome of the questions that the GP asked me.... Trouble sleeping? Not sure it was one geared up for PND.

Glad you went to the doc and that you are feeling a bit better.

I had to laugh at doc. Trouble sleeping? Oh, no doc. I sleep about 12 hours at a time, no problem. With an 11 week old baby.

With time, the love really does come for your second.

Just keep going. this is the hardest point because you're at the stage now where the excitement of the baby arriving is over but the baby still doesn't actually do anything yet and it can't interact much. So you do start to feel a bit like a milking machine with no identity. That is depressing. I promise it gets better very soon.

It will get better-your 2nd will start smiling,they will start interacting,the sun might come out,there will be tough times but it will be worth it.Have you got some RL friends to confide in?Hang on in there and be kind to yourself.good luck

Thank-you. I do have some great RL friends, one of whom went through something very similar last year when she had her second and was absolutely shattered.

I'm not sure I'd actually have the courage to question whether I love DS in RL though. I hate the fact that these things can be brought up ages later when you are least expecting it, and I'd always be known as the one who didn't love her baby....