I am a shit mother and cannot cope anymore

[AnnieBeansMum]

I really need some help. My dd is 2 and is gorgeous. I adore her but I am a shit parent. The telly is on all day (whether she is watching it or not) and I cannot get her to listen to anything I say. I tell her to tidy up and she says "No" and ignores me. I love her desperately but I am so sick of the battles every weekend. My DH works weekends, so it is just me and DD every Saturday and Sunday. She listens to every word my DH says but she refuses to listen to me. By Sunday I end up yelling and crying just to get her to do what I ask. Surely, at 2 she should be able to tidy up after herself?

What do I do? I feel like such a failure as a parent sometimes and I am so tired of yelling. Please please someone help.

I think your expectations are a little high for a 2 year old. My 2 year old wouldn't tidy up after himself just because I told him to. He will however help if I get down the floor with a toy box and ask him to help me put stuff in it.

Don't be to hard on yourself though 2 year olds are HARD work!

They're called the terrible two's for a reason.

She has discovered that she is her own little person and she has very loud opinions without understanding. Of course she loves her daddy- she doesn't see him doing all the donkey work while she wants to play, mummy does it.

Seriously- I am 30 and I still have problems picking up after myself!

You aren't a shit parent- you are the parent of a 2 year old.

I'm afraid I can't offer any words of experience, just wanted to let you know that someone read your post.

Really don't beat yourself up over it. My DD is nearly 3 now and still will only tidy up if it is a 'game' and we sing the tidy up clear away song .

With the TV, try turning it off if you leave the room or even see if you can have the radio on instead to provide a bit of noise - it must be lonely being on your own all weekend with DD.

You are okay, you're doing a good job and she loves you as much as you love her.

Thanks for your responses. Unfortunately, daddy does do his share of the parenting (more in fact). I work full time monday to friday and he works friday to monday. So he has her Tuesday to Thursday and he says he never has problems with her. She always tidies up her toys when he tells her to - she just refuses to listen to me.

I don't know what else I can do. She is currently standing next to me saying "No" repeatedly because I told her to stop hitting the telly.

I have always wanted 2, but last night I had a long chat with DH and asked him to have a vasectomy. I don't think I am a natural parent and I don't think it would be fair to have another when I have barely coped with one.

It's incredibly lonely. I'm not English and moved her 7 years ago to be with my DH. Our work schedules are crap and don't give us any time together as a family let alone as a couple. Everything is just getting on top of me and I am stressed and tired all the time.

I have every sympathy for you, no one ever tells you that parenting can be so relentless and high demand / low thanks. And I think that being on your own with a toddler at the weekend is especially soul-destroying because all other mum-friends seem to be doing things with their families so it's especially isolating.

But in answer to some of your points:

Turn the TV off. You're the grown up. If you know she isn't watching it, switch it off.

I wouldn't expect a 2 year old to be able to tidy up after herself. I would, however, think a 2 year old could start to learn, helped by her mummy. So if you tell her to tidy up and she says 'No', then you get down on the floor with her and say 'yes, it's tidy up time now'. Give her specific jobs to do, like 'can you pick up all the red blocks and put them in the box and I'll get the other colours', or 'let's put all dolly's clothes in this basket'. I think it's unrealistic to expect a 2 year old to just get on and do it, you need to do it with her and break it into bite-sized chunks.

Is there anyone you can arrange to meet, or a place you can plan to go to with her? When I was a SAHM, it was the prospect of a whole day stuck indoors with absolutely nothing to structure it that threatened to tip me over the edge. Even saying OK, this morning we'll tidy up then do lunch and then go for a walk, will make you feel as though you're more in control.

It is really, really hard and I understand where you're coming from, but she is such a baby. Pick your battles.

sorry you are feeling like this, i think we have all felt like this at some point !

maybe you need to take a step back and devise some new strategies

also, lower your expectations, my 10 year old won't tidy his room when asked !!

i also have every weekend alone with the DCs due to DHs work.. best thing is to do an activity //. go to the park, have people round, even an outing to a local pet shop to look at the pets is a good thing..

being stuck in with the telly on is a recipe for cabin fever and frustration

she is 2

tidy up?!

There really isn't anyone I can meet up with. I only really have one good friend, but she is a criminal solicitor and always seems to be on call at the weekends.

Part of the reason I say I am a shit mother is because I am lazy. It is easier for me to put the telly on all day, it is easier for me to just let her get on with it. I know that is horrible and I hate that it's the way I think, but I am so desperate for some down time that I do it.

I will stop whinging now. Thank you everyone who responded.

My two year old is like this. But as she is the fourth, I don't really care anymore. Choose your battles wisely, and don't worry about the little things. I know you probably want to instill the right things, but at two she is programmed to be the centre of her universe and to push your buttons.

Don't shout and cry. Ignore what you can, let the small stuff go, but stick to your guns about important stuff (usually where danger is involved). Practice damage limitation (only two toys out).

Tidy up after her (for now), but limit how many toys she can get out at a time. Read her a book, or take her out all day. Swimming is great, it'll wear her out and you won't feel so bad about the telly being on the rest of the time

Before you know it she'll be off to pre-school or school, so don't expect too much of her or yourself. You haven't done this before presumably and its a massive learning curve. Good luck

I will try to arrange some things to do next weekend and see how it goes. I know I have to make more of an effort, but after the week at work I am just so bloody tired and all I want to do is veg out. I know I have to stop that.

I'll try harder.

I have to go pick up DH from work now and then get tea ready. I really truly am thankful for all of your responses. I will try to pop back when dd is in bed.

You need to plan to get out of the house. Try finding a gym class (little gym run on saturdays) a soft play place, go to the park. Get some structure into your weekend, like work to make the time go faster. Can you join a gym and put her in the sat/sun morning creche for an hour to get some time for yourself then you might feel better and be a better parent.

Maybe go on meet a mum on netmums, there are lots of single mums out there that find the weekends really hard - park is a good place to meet them to.

Don't think you are lazy you are just tired and want a weekend to yourself.

You sound exhausted. Do you ever get to spend time with your dd and dh together, if he works at the weekend? It must be tough.

Personally I always find it harder work to stay in with the children than to take them out and do things. I think you need to find activities you can do with her. You're likely to make friends that way, as a bonus.

Even when I'm in the house, I think it is less difficult when I have organised activities like painting or baking or whatever than just awful freeform yawning time. It is always easier to be actively doing something than to be trying to escape from your child, even though you may not feel that way at the outset.

And it can be easier on you if you don't expect anything of her at all. Don't worry about teaching her to tidy up and do as she is told. She is really still a baby and it will all come in time. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself and avoid the battles, and I really don't think you would be doing her any harm that way.

Oh I agree, it is so much easier to do stuff out of the house. Doing activites indoors is a waste of time, when the cleaning up takes longer than the activity it cancels itself out IMO!

Swimming and playzone, park and coffee. Ikea is one of my 2 yo favourites Never on a weekend though. I try to do things earlier in the day so I can be lazy and congratulate myself for the rest of it.

Indoors you can do things like making sarnies for lunch or even have a bath together. All things with a means to an end and one less job for you later in the day.

She is so young! - don't worry about tidying up at this age honestly. Just lots of play - telly on for some time off for a while and one to one play. Lots of variety, hard in this weather I know....

I agree about it being easier to do stuff out of the house. Being cooped up with a 2 year old can be like a form of torture sometimes.
DS is also 2, and we go out every day, come rain or shine. I have to otherwise I'd go insane.If we're just going somewhere local, I try to leave the buggy at home, and the walk has the added bonus of wearing him out.
2 year olds can be easily amused. DS and I often go to the train station or the airport for an hour to watch the trains / planes, and he loves it.
how about a trip on the bus for a play on the beach?
If it's raining, put your wellies & anoraks on and go splashing in puddles.
Swimming's also good for an hour - again with the bonus of wearing him out.
Going to a cafe for lunch can be a nice change of scenery.
DS loves looking at books, so we sometimes get the bus into town to buy a book, which fills a bit of time in. Or go to a charity shop and you can get loads of books for a few quid.

God, doesn't my life sound dull? .
Just want you to know that you're not alone.
Regarding your DD tidying up, she's still very young. My DS has no concept of tidying up - I just wait til he's asleep then I chuck all his toys into a big plastic box, and hide it round the side of the settee. Instant tidiness in 2 minutes

i totally understand about laziness and telly. but it's got to stop. i think your dd isn't getting enough attention from you. i have been there too, so i'm not judging you, i know this from experience.

you have to start each day as though you're not going to turn on the tv until after supper. plan the day so you don't resort to it - go to the garden centre in the morning, park in afternoon. whatever, just make sure you don't have a big block of time at home. a great time-waster is to go for a walk around the block. a 2 year old can spin this out to last 43 hours, plus you get to meet your neighbours.

plug away at this and in no time you'll see better behaviour, have a stronger bond and you'll feel good about yourself and your relationship with your dd.

don't get your dh to have a vasectomy. i have absolutely been in your shoes and i'm now considering no. 3

One of my favourite indoor games when DD was small was doctor's surgery. You are the doctor and sit on the sofa with a cup of coffee. DD brings her teddies and dolls one at a time and tells you what is wrong with them. You then supply the treatment, maybe some pretend medicine from an empty bottle, maybe a bandage or a plaster or maybe they have to be tucked under a blanket on the sofa for some bed rest while you keep an eye. The main thing is that you do not move from the sofa. At the end of the game, get all the patients back, remove bandages and say "Oh she is better", she can go back in the basket or wherever and thus it is all tidied as you go. If you get a toy doctor's kit you can really spin out those examinations!

I don't think you sound lazy, you just sound really, really tired .

You work all week and then you look after your dd on your own at the weekend. That's hard work. Most people at least get a break by sharing the parenting at the weekends.

Is there any way you could reduce your working hours by say a day a week to give yourself a small amount more time with both yourself and your dh are at home?

Two year olds are incredibly hard work and can be incredibly stubborn. Take heart in the fact though that my 5 year old still won't clean up after himself!

My head is such a muddle. DH and I recently stopped using contraception (although we're not actively trying). It took us almost 3 years to conceive DD and we are assuming (for medical reasons) that it will probably take just as long this time. But now I'm so confused as to whether or not I actually want a second as I don't think I am coping with one. Perhaps jumping to a vasectomy is too fast, but I think the condoms definitely need to make a re-appearance for the time being.

I am going to try to think of some things to fill our days next weekend. It needs to be free as money is extremely tight at the moment. I like the idea of taking a long walk around the block. There is a nice park around the corner, so a walk and then the park could be a good idea for the morning. She could then have lunch and her afternoon nap and then I'd have to find something for 2-3 hours in the afternoon.

Thanks again everyone.

Its a bit easier second time round, because we're less clueless.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You are probably knackered. She'll be a bit older when number 2 comes along, maybe at pre-school. Remember, things change all the time with children.

There's a book called 'no scream parenting' or it might be 'no shout parenting' that I've heard people rave about (afraid I've not read it myself). Might be worth looking at.

Meanwhile, you're not a shit parent. Like everyone says, you just have a 2 year old.

Sounds like you could do with some time-out too. If it's nothing but work and childcare it's easy to loose a sense of self. Can you do babysitting swapsies with any other mums you know? Just get a bit of time with you and your husband to recharge the batteries?

Take yourself off to the cinema and immerse yourself in something else whilst sitting still in the dark and no-one asking anything of you.

My idea of a good time

It sounds to me like you've got yourself into a rut and don't know where to start to change things. I've definitely been there.

My DS is just 2 and sometimes watches too much telly too, particularly when I am not well (or for the first 3 months of this pregnancy!). I do have strategies for making sure I get my sofa time though, and these days it isn't all in front of cbeebies!

It must be hard that you get the weekend shift without the lifesaving (for me) toddler groups etc to meet other mums. I think some of the suggestions of things to do sound great, and I'd definitely recommend getting out every day.

My general strategy is to get out in the morning when I have more energy, and to leave the sofa time for the afternoon, preferably when DS is worn out.

As for feeling a bit out of control, can you try changing just thing at a time? With DS the key seems to be repetition, and he responds well to the things I manage to be consistent about. He never tidies his lego, but he loves jigsaws and after we lost bits of a few, I started to be very strict about putting one puzzle away before starting another, and now he (mostly) does it voluntarily!

I think a lot of kids would react badly to having their routine changed so much, so I would start dropping the tv time a bit at a time - just start with 10 or 15 minutes at a time to do something together (once you've got home and had a bit of a relax!) and when you're both more comfortable, add more stuff together.

Our favourite activities are :

• drawing (preferably on huge paper, or scribbling on cbeebies characters printed out from the website)
• singing - we have a few cds from his music class and a box of instruments, and can kill a good 20 minutes singing along and playing different instruments, but I don't have to move off the floor/sofa!
• playdo. I sit DS up at the table and can do stuff on my laptop next to him, while helping him with cutters etc every so often.
• puzzles (mostly jigsaws), lots of which we have picked up in charity shops
• Lego/cars/trains. If I sit with DS doing my own thing, he'll generally play well with minimal assistance, if I try to sit elsewhere or do something in another room, he'll be chasing me around and asking me to join in!

We occasionally do something more adventurous like painting and baking, but I'd definitely work up to them

I've been weaning my DS off his constant TV (from before Xmas when I was both unwell and first-trimester exhausted) We get through a good long afternoon with little TV by interspersing TV time with activities, to the point where he will now play on his own for long periods, with just a few minutes here and there for me to get something out for him or help him draw a shape.

I hope this helps. Please don't feel like you're a shit mother - your DD will appreciate any time you spend doing stuff with her, and I bet you'll find you both communicate better too.