I am a shit mother and cannot cope anymore

[AnnieBeansMum]

I really need some help. My dd is 2 and is gorgeous. I adore her but I am a shit parent. The telly is on all day (whether she is watching it or not) and I cannot get her to listen to anything I say. I tell her to tidy up and she says "No" and ignores me. I love her desperately but I am so sick of the battles every weekend. My DH works weekends, so it is just me and DD every Saturday and Sunday. She listens to every word my DH says but she refuses to listen to me. By Sunday I end up yelling and crying just to get her to do what I ask. Surely, at 2 she should be able to tidy up after herself?

What do I do? I feel like such a failure as a parent sometimes and I am so tired of yelling. Please please someone help.

Agree with everyone else, you sound exhausted and lonely (with good reason) so please be a little kinder to yourself. Parenting can be a lonely business - I depend on toddler groups/mum friends when I'm at home with DS and always look forward to weekends when DP will be around, so it's no wonder you feel ground down by it all.

My DS is only 18mo so probably a bit different from full-on 2, but I have definitely found that switching off telly and my laptop as much as possible during our days together has a hugely beneficial effect. It feels like the easier option, sticking the telly on and MNing doing housework etc while they veg out, but (for us at least) it means that he gets ratty and fed up because he's not getting attention and I get ratty and fed up because he keeps interrupting what I'm doing by being all grumpy.

Once I twigged (after a shamefully long time) and began starting each day from a premise of 'no tv, no internet', I found that giving him my full attention made everything easier. He was much more cheery and surprisingly willing/able to get involved in what I was doing, as well as me getting involved with him.

God, that makes me sound awful doesn't it We do lots of fun stuff together, honestly! I'm just talking about the odd bad days, not the majority of our days.

Sympathy from me - my DH works shifts so I often have the weekends with just me and DD (she's 2.6). I vividly remember saying to DH when I was pregnant that I'd never feel lonely again - and for me the loneliness I've felt has been the biggest shock of motherhood.

Some great advice on this thread, I think - for me, getting out is essential and I (try to) have a rule of no TV after 9am until just before bedtime, so I'm forced to engage - and weirdly, if I do, the days are easier.

I'm not surprised you're exhausted. It sounds like you aren't getting a break at all. It's bloody hard to make clearing up seem like fun to a 2 year old if you are nauseous with exhaustion yourself.

It sounds like you have unreachably high expectations not so much for dd (although clearing up at 2 is more luck than judgement!) but mostly for yourself.

Could you have a touch of depression? The anxiety, exhaustion and feeling shit are possible signs perhaps???

op some really good advice on here and of course you are not shit

agree with the no screening ( my big bugbear) - i try to just leave the laptop upstairs unopened in the day times - too tempting

Just one last word from me - what does DH do with her during the week?

Come the weekend you've been working all week and naturally want a break/crack on with chores etc. So you're torn between spending time with your DD, doing things for yourself (I pretend MNing is something for me but truth is I'm bored and looking for a distraction) and getting the chores done. Its a lose/lose situation and no-one is completely happy and nothing is ever really achieved.

I'm obviously just speculating on your situation (projecting my own maybe), but no one is good at this all the time. Just being OK at it most of the time is good enough. Be brilliant at it some of the time if you like, but accept that we will be shit at it other times.

You're not a shit mum - your just knackered and she's at an exhausting age. 2 years olds aren't really able to tidy up so I think you need to lower your expectations and stop being hard on yourself.

The thought of staying in with my two all day(18 months and 3.6) sends shivers down my spine. I'm not massively organised but I have to do something in the morning and something in the afternoon. I do rely on telly but try and limit it to 7am-9am in and around breaky and getting ready and then from about 5-6pm when I'm coming back in and getting tea sorted. We do really mundane stuff i.e. bus to costa for a babychino (50p), museum, park, ducks, soft play (OK more expensive), library, toy shop (for looking), ikea etc. I just have to get them out as when I do stay in with them I'm literally on my knees by noon as it's so intense and the mess is just overwhelming for me.

Also I honestly feel like No. 2 was no where near as hard. Newborns are alot easier than 2 years old so don't think another one will be a disater. They amuse each other now which really takes the pressure off - so much so that I'm just about to drop with No. 3.

Lower your expectations and get out a bit more. Also give her 6 months to a year and she'll be alot easier.

OP, I have every sympathy for you. My DS is a similar age and can behave in a similar way.

They are testing to see how far they can push...

I echo everything that has already been said get out of house and use distraction if you sense a test coming!

Thank you everyone for your support. I am just passing through as I am at work, but I do want to sit down and respond to all your questions and advice. I will be back later tonight.

Cyteen - you sound exactly the same as me, and I have just decided that I need to ban tv and MN the computer, expecially during half term. (starting tomorrow, apparently, due to crap weather. )

OP - you are not shit, it is HARD. I woudl say though, perhaps you're right to wait for number 2 - although a vasectomy is probably not a good idea, sounds more like a reaction to a rubbish weekend! But if you're struggling with one, believe me, struggling with two is ten times worse, it's unbeleivably awful.

Assuming there's no rush, why don't you let the dust settle before making any major decisions one way or another? I guarantee in two years time when your DD is at school, maybe your work set up will have changed and things will look different.

Hope that helps a bit, and don't want to sound gloomy about having two children, I wouldn't swap mine, but with only two years between them I went to hell and back the first year. See if you can build up some sort of support network too, there's people out there in the same boat.

I agree with a lot of posters on here, 2 years old is too young to ask her to tidym even my 4 and 5 yos find it hard at times, I think with children you have to be really specific, we have tidy up time at night, I will assign them jobs and when they finish one they get another one to do so say DD1 has to put all the books back, DD2 does the dollies etc, you have to say "DD1 put the books back big ones first them little ones in the book shelf where they go" rather than DD1 tidy up IYSWIM.

I also agree you have to get out more and do things at the weekend, so Saturday morning take her swimming, then walk home maybe the long way, sometimes just walking with a toddler in a buggy is peace enough as they are out in the fresh air getting to see things as well. Afternoons if she doesn't nap, try making fairy cakes or drawing. Sunday soft play or a walk to feed the ducks or play on the swings.

Turn the TV off, for one it isn't good for them and the other if it is blaring all day she won't be watching it, far better to limit it, for instance in our house it is on in the morning for a little while if I need to get things done then it goes off to dinnertime, then it's like a novelty and they are more likely to sit and watch half an hour than if it has been blaring all day, this is how I make dinner in peace.

How are you doing AnnieBeansMum?

cyteen you sound like me too. I feel inspired to turn off the tv and internet and do something less boring instead.

Things are not so bad on nice days when we can go to park but winter and colds leave me reaching for what seems the easiest option of tv for DS and internet for me but really it's not the easier option at all when it takes up too much of the day.

ABM you are not alone, and you can turn it around. TV is fine and can even be beneficial (Sesame St a case in point -don't agree with oudated view that its bad for kids) it just needs to be kept in check.

You're a good mum, you care and you want the best for your child. you have the ability for self reflection and the willingess to change things. that counts for so much.

I'm sorry I haven't been on lately. Work has been insanely busy and when I come home all I want to do is veg out on the sofa.

Well, another weekend is here and I'm hoping for the best. DD is currently eating her breakfast while I get myself cleaned up and MN! I'm going to go to the hairdressers and see if there is any chance they can give dd a quick trim (she looks like a wild woman) and then it's off to Costa for coffee and juice. If it stays nice, we'll go to the park after, if not we'll go to the library and read some books. By then, it'll be time to come home for lunch and her afternoon nap.

I haven't planned anything for after her nap but if she wakes up grumpy, there is a little park around the corner from our house - the swings should make her happy.

So that's the plan for today. Tomorrow I'm not sure about yet. I might take her to Amerton Farm. She likes it there and she can go see the animals. Unfortunately, whatever we do has to be free as money is so tight. Just planning on going to Costa today has meant I had to scrounge round the house for change! I'll post later tonight and let you all know how the day went.

Thank you again for all your support and advice. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you thank you thank you.

why not make your own COSTA when you go out, take a flask of coffee or chocolate and some biscuits and have a winter picnic

Do you mind me asking why money is so tight?

I don't mind cybagel. DH and I are emigrating in June and have put ourselves on a ridiculously tight budget. On pay day all of our money is automatically spread across the bills account and then savings. We have a very limited amount of money each week (god bless Aldi!)

and on top of the already tight budget, DH's workplace has stopped overtime, which used to really prop up our bank account.

where are you off to?

We're going to Canada. I am Canadian and moved here 7 years ago to be with DH. We planned on going in Nov 08, but couldn't sell our house. It finally sold last July (for quite a reduced price) and we have been in rented ever since trying to save enough to pay off our debts (quite large - my student loans).

THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU BRILLIANT MUMMIES!!

I have just spent the entire morning out with my dd (nothing over exciting - haircut, coffee, walk and then library) and it was the best day we have ever spent together. She was happy and laughing and we had such a good time together. For the first time in a very long time, I have loved being a mummy again. I cannot begin to thank you all for your help and suggestions. Thank you just doesn't seem to cut it.

She's just finishing her lunch and then down for a nap around 1. When she wakes up, I think we'll head to park to play on the swings.

fantastic job well done

getting out really does make ALL the difference, doesn;t matter where it is

Yay, well done That sounds like a lovely day.

That's so lovely to read! I hope the rest of your weekend is good too.

Have woken up this morning to a HUGE amount of snow!! DD is so excited. I have dug out her snowsuit and after breakfast, we will head out and play in it. She has bee screaming "SNOW MUMMY" all morning.

I think this is going to be another good day.

It's snowy here too, so I think we'll be forcing taking DS outside for a bit (forcing myself too, I hate being cold ).