has anyone read " nurtureshock" this week

[FrankieValli]

i am finding it american but rahter intersting spec on siling rivalry

It sounds interesting, can you tell us a bit more about it?

its american
natch!
and its about all the ideas we had abtu parenting turned on its head.
how praising is good
abotu having a mixed race school makes kids have more cross race friendships

a boring thing about american asessment tests( skipped that one)

and about how siblings learn to be friends from having good rels with friends first

Did you find it genuinely surprising, or did you think "oh but surely everyone knows that already?"

Were they saying that we think praise is good while actually it isn't? Cos that idea has gone mainstream and I'm now waiting for the "actually praise is good after all" backlash.

We definitely believe in disagreeing in front of the children. We don't argue... but we do debate and take opposite views, and like to see the children seeing us reach a compromise/conclusion or winning. Negotiating and defending one's own interests are vital life skills.

We praise the children when they achieve things we value.

ah its not just when to praise
its how
adn what you pick out as praiseworthy
well i knew a lot of it as kids is my job innit.
but for a civilian it may be more

teh sibling thing is more interesting. Mine never row anc dertainly dont ever get physical and I have always wondered why, so i read that with interest.
am now on the why teens lie chapter

How old are your children?

The DSSs didn't fight physically at all for ages. However, now they are both in full pubertal mode... grrrrrrr..... they test their strength all the time.

11 9 7

well i like to think a teacher might know a little bit about it!

The praise thing I got from UP.

Am looking forward to reading this book.

The DSSs didn't fight at all at that age (11 and 9). It started up again when DSS2 joined DSS1 at secondary school - ie at 13 and 11.

hmm
well we wil see.
Everyone seems to think tis the norm for the whole time - with boys.

My DSSs are really very kind and nice boys - super sweet to their sister etc. But they like fighting! It's quite normal. It just requires a certain distance from the state of the decorations and the furniture...

you see mine dont even really disagree.

When it gets to the nitty-gritty serious stuff, they are amazingly supportive of one another - eg DSS1 was a complete star over exW not wanting to apply for a new school for DSS2, when DSS2 was just desperate to do so and basically fought DSS2's corner tooth and nail.

But when DSS2 got back from his school ski-trip last week ie they hadn't seen each other for a week, they disappeared off into their bedroom and had a good, loud fight

Saw this book in the Times, you have reminded me to order it. Sounds v interesting

FWIW my DDs didn't argue until DD1 hit hormonal hell that is pre-teenagerhood late last year.

Your boys sound uber civilised.

how funny!. like dogs after all.
I am warned it all changes... so watch this space.
Yes I am sure someone reading it properly ( am a chronic scanner) will find gazillions of loop holes. but i know from work that the praise one rings true.
Will try out next month. Tried some HTT on some stroppy 14 year olds and that worked a dream - so much so a colleague comments

What else does it say about sibling rivalry? I'm interested in every detail. If they have good other friendships they will get along with each other after all?

Some of the stuff I've read in reviews seems very obvious, but one lightbulb bit was about the dopamine response/stimulation threshold: that's DS1 thru & thru. He was a thrill-seeker from birth and most any other activity is just pants.

yes
the theory is ( may have to re read) is that siblings can be rather careless with each other as they are always there where as they have to court friends and woo them more seriously.
SO if the eldest kid has successful friendships he will role model them to younger siblings.

think that is it

Hmm.

DSS1 doesn't have a lot of friends (he is very individualistic).

DSS2 is his class - year, even - "mascot", the child everyone adores.

So what are you supposed to do (about sibling rivalry) if your DC1 is curmudgeonly, especially doesn't get along with the year group's alpha male, hates clubs and organised activities? Oh well, sounds like another one of those bits of useless information; if it's gonna happen it happens naturally, anyway.

"especially doesn't get along with the year group's alpha male"

Take him to Port Lympne to learn about gorillas I would have thought!

sounds like common sense to me

also very interesting on sleep and ( look anna) hwo it keeps you thin

have finished it now. - so many notes and refs at the back that it was like a bottle of champgane - think there is lots left when there is not