How do you know you'll be a good mother?

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I haven't got any children yet. I'm 27. DP thinks I'd be a brilliant mother, but I'm not sure. His judgement seems to be made purely on the basis that I am very affectionate to him, good at playing with children and babies, and nice to my cat. I think I'm too selfish, not patient enough and though good at playing with children for 10 mins or so, would be crap with the day to day stuff and end up resenting the child. I just can't imagine coping with having children without having a nanny/au pair. In which case, surely I shouldn't bother having them? The thought of being with them all day every day is really scary, but maybe this would change once they actually arrived?

It's not an urgent issue - I've got quite a lot of time - but I was just wondering whether other people thought they would be rubbish but are actually good at it, or vice versa?

Some days you'll be great...other's wonderful...others appalling!!! That is parenting! As for having a Nanny, go for it...We're good for you!!!

Dunno myself yet and I've got a 14 year old!

You just muddle along as best you can. Climb over the hurdles when necessary, slide to the depths of despair and pat yourself on the back, when something goes right!

Seriously though, as long as you do it your way. As long as your future lo's are happy and healthy, with a loving family and a roof over their heads, then you are a good mother!

Everyone I knew thought I would be an appalling mother, and I'm not at all. My own dad has expressed that I took to it like a duck to water.

evetryone is selfish until they have children. they have no reason on God's Earth not to be selfish.

When you have a baby, it's as if one of your vital organs got pushed out of your baby, and was lovable and cute too. You can't bear to let them out of your sight. ALL babies are cute, but your own baby is magical.

I had no real interest in children before I had my own- at all! I don't know that I'm a good mother, but my 3 dc seem happy enough (only because they've nothing better to compare me with!) and I really do enjoy them.

That said, I still don't rate babies in general- show me a cute puppy any day.

I sometimes worry that my own childhood will lead me to make mistakes with my children. One of the reasons I can't bring myself to resent my mother too much is because I can see myself being exactly like her - and she should really not have had children.

I had a rubbish upbringing...useless Father and Mother who I have had very little contact with over the last 24 years and were awful parents. I have two girls...big now at 17 and 12, have looked after children all my life after leaving nursing when my first was born and am considered to be pretty good at what I do...Don't worry...parenting is not genetic!
xx

Agree with MrsPoppins. My childhood was less than perfect. My mother was and still is a PITA. It just makes you more determined not to be like her!

My parenting wasnt great either but Im a nursery nurse and told im excellent at my job- I have 3 dc of my own whom I adore and I muddle along nicely.

OP I'm 28 and your orginal post describes me exactly. But even worse my dh, family and friends were all rather concerned when i became pregnant last year. It wasn't planned but have been married 6 yrs. However i've shocked then all, but mostly myself. DD is now 3 months and i've loved every bit of it. I hardly recognise my previous self. So all i can say is when you hold YOUR baby in your arms (as long as you're not unhinged) the love you'll feel means you'll be the perfect mother for your baby and your previous lifestyle will be a distant memory.

My family thought I would be a disaster as I am not usually very practical or sensible. But I am proud to say I am really good at it. I always wanted children though.

I had no clue

I'm pretty useless

oh trinity...

The very fact that you are asking this question means you are 90% of the way there!

I was a serious hard-driven career woman and my sisters thought I would be the 'dump them with a nanny' type. I thought this myself too. When DH and I got engaged it was because I had finally reached a point where I could say, yes I will consider having children one day, but even then I honestly didn't think I was the right sort of person for that.

I am quite the opposite, as it turns out! It is like Coldtits said, it is as though a vital part of you is now outside your body, and you have no control over the flood of love and joy and protectiveness you feel. It's awesome.

You've got the right attitude. You'll be a great mum.

Yes, bear in mind that you'll probably only be home with your child full time for the first 2 or 3 years. Then they go to nursery etc.
Don't think of it as just 'being with a baby' although primarily you will be bonding with your child, think of all the new mother and baby places you'll be discovering, do some research on the internet for child friendly venues near you. There's often free activities, and you can go swimming, go to soft play areas and museums.
Also, when the baby is small you can get away with doing your normal thing, walk around a shopping centre (so long as you can find some baby changing facilities and somewhere to feed baby) go to see all the latest art exhibitions, visit friends and relatives.

Some days you'll be a crap mother, other days you'll pat yourself on the back and say 'good job'.

But what Coldtits said is spot-on. We are all selfish before children, then someone else comes along who you'd lay your life down for.

You'll find patience when you need it, and lose it when you should have kept it. There are untapped reserves you simply don't know about yet.

Other peoples children are no indication. I have 4 children who I love desperately but as a rule I don't like kids very much.

You might not need help with the children. You might need help with the washing and cleaning, that's the bit I get unstuck on.

Your cat will probably get the hump with you too.

I thought I would be a really good mother as kids adore me, I am gentle but firm. I am known as a very good teacher with older ones and had worked with toddlers anmd babies.

I proved to be a quite crap mother amd it has taken me years to get to be anything like the parent I would want to be and evene then I fall sort of my dp who is a fabulous father.

I guess you just don't know but the fact you are thinking about it is a good sign. A huge chunk of me wants another child but I have found it so hard and have been so crap at it I don't think I will.

You don't know - but you sound like a good bet! I had similar worries to you, especially as I love time to myself.

Being nice to the cat was one of the things about DP that gave me confidence he would be a good dad - and he is.

I think being loving, affectionate and having a sense of responsibility are all important, but enjoying small children's company all day long is not something most of us have. Small children can be delightful and funny and of course you adore them, but their needs are repetitive and mundane, and you can get very bored. That's why you meet up with other mums, go to classes, take your baby shopping etc. Also I think if you're the kind of person who needs adult company and being away from children, working (maybe part-time) helps a lot.

When DS was small enough to be in a buggy and have naps I would be out all the time with him doing things to entertain me eg art galleries and shopping, coffee out with friends, or just a magazine. You don't have to be interacting with your child non-stop, in fact I think parents who do that aren't giving their child a very good start, because they don't learn to entertain themselves or fit in with adults' plans some of the time.

I think you'll be fine. Though as others have said, you'll have crap days.

OP I'm 28 and your orginal post describes me exactly. But even worse my dh, family and friends were all rather concerned when i became pregnant last year. It wasn't planned but have been married 6 yrs. However i've shocked then all, but mostly myself. DD is now 3 months and i've loved every bit of it. I hardly recognise my previous self. So all i can say is when you hold YOUR baby in your arms (as long as you're not unhinged) the love you'll feel means you'll be the perfect mother for your baby and your previous lifestyle will be a distant memory.

apols for double post

You don't.

If you are a half way decent person you will muddle through OK. Some days will be like a movie and some will be like hell.

You don't need to be a good mother. You only need to be a good enough mother. If you go at it trying to get an A-star and to pass brilliantly, then you'll feel utterly miserable.

My mother and sisters always adored dc's and wanted them. I didn't, so I always assumed I'd be a rubbish mother. Then around 35, the biology got to me and I wanted dc's so much, I just quit worrying about it. Now all I worry about is whether the babies are fed well enough, cool/warm, happy, rested, going to be fed well enough at their next meal...

2 or 3 years at home?? I really couldn't do that. I would go mad, and it was also knacker my career. Is it OK to put babies in nursery or have a nanny for them when you go back from maternity leave?

I am also worried that I will get PND or worse and not bond with the baby. My mother had post-puerperal psychosis after I was born, and I've had problems with depression and eating in the past. So I worry I might go 'mad' after I had it, by which time it would be too late and the poor baby would just have a crap mum.

I am very selfish, yet ds seems to be turning out just fine.
I also can't be bothered with babies, but have somehow ended up on the way to having 2.
SOme days I am a crap Mum and other times I am fabulous.
DOn't worry about being selfish - a kid will knock that out of you very quickly.
Wrt the mental health issues, I had plenty and yes, I did struggle during ds's first year of life, but no more than at any other time pre-dc. What I mean is that I have had worse periods int he past than since I had him. In many ways it did me a lot of good. And there is no better reason for aiming for good mental health than having a lovely little person relying on you and loving you back.

And yes, childcare is absolutely fine. There are many doom-mongers, but ignore them. They are often projecting their own experiences/fears and there is research to support and refute every angle.