is it taboo to admit that the experience of parenting boys and girls is different?

[foreverastudent]

In response to all the hoo-ha over "8 boys and wanting a girl" I am wondering if a new parenting taboo is to admit that parenting a boy and a girl IS different, however much gender-neutral parenting you attempt?

Of course a healthy baby is more important than their gender but the experience is still different IMO. Why are some people at such pains to admit this?

Substancial differences include:
names, clothes, hairstyles, schools, toys, sports, hobbies, friends, interests, tv, console games, sleepovers, books, learning type, communication style, stranger danger, school subject choices, teenage sex/pregnancy, eating disorders, suicide, behavioural problems, coping with puberty, youth crime, relationship with siblings etc etc

Why would it be taboo? I've never thought this.

My DP has two DSs (now 14 and 12) and is constantly amazed by the massive difference there is parenting DD (5).

I should imagine it is different, but I have 2 boys so not really qualified to comment.
I do think that every child is different as well, mine are very different personalities.

Yes, of course it is different.

Men and women are very different. Perhaps very few of those differences are down to nature and very many are down to nurture and social conditioning, but they exist and no child or parent is immune.

Even if you try your very hardest not to let gender become a huge issue in your own parenting, that all gets pissed up the wall when they go to school, start socialising and go out into the big bad world.

We are all bring our own baggage to the table, too.

It's bollocks to say that we don't view / treat our boys and girls differently in subtle ways.

Never noticed it to be a taboo on Mumnset: full of posts talking about the differences of girls and boys.

Though having grown up with 3 brothers, I couldn't help noticing that the approaches involved in parenting these three very different little boys were probably as varied as the added approach needed with me.

Anyway, suspect that the reactions of most of those posters were more to do with a feeling that prospective parents should be flexible and accept whatever parenting experience life is going to throw at them. If you get too hung up on expectations, chances are no child will be good enough for you, because they'll never be exactly what you thought they'd be.

The parenting experience is also quite different between parenting a gifted child and parenting one that is not terribly bright. In fact, I am not sure that is not a more deep reaching difference than say hairstyle. But I can imagine the responses if someone were to post: 'should I try for another baby, as none of our children are very intelligent?'.

every child is an individual and of course there will be differences between sexes..some the differences you have mentioned above could be between children of the same or different sex...my DDs are completely different to each other..

I also believe that society holds some stereotypical views of what boys and girls are like, how they should behave and our expectations of them. parents should have a fluid approach and give their child what it needs no matter the sex.

Mumcentreplus- but my point is that parents dont parent their children of different genders the same. Parents actively encourage/discourage different behaviours/attitudes according to gender. I doont think this should happen, but it does.

Most of the things on your OP list are not 'parenting experience' but shopping choices.

Also - at least one of the mothers in that programme wante a dd so that she could project on her the things that SHE liked - namely 'ppink'. I would have been a terrible dd to her. Or else she would have been a terrible mother fo me, had she forced her immature shpping choices on me and made me be all princessy.

But of course there is a spectrum of sex and gender differences, individual children will veer back and forth along it in different stages of their lives and different arenas.

But it is a bad parent, imo, who lives their life through their child and subjects it to living out a projected image.

When I was a child I wasn't interested in girly toys. I had a collection of toy cars and wanted to wear trousers all the time. In fact I wanted to be a boy!

I have 2 dss. Both have enjoyed 'boys' toys' but also had fairy wings, toy hoovers and enjoyed playing with dolls houses when visiting friends.

Not taboo, just silly to make generalisations unless you have a large number of each and have observed definable trends, while being certain that you have not produced these differences.

Your boys and girls may be different from each other not because they are boys and girls but because they are individual people, or because you have treated them differently.

I have two girls and a boy and they are all very different to parent, dd1 very similar to ds, but dd2 needs a whole guide book of her own.

"new parenting taboo" sounds a bit to me like a peg to hang a Sunday supplement filler on. Specially the "new" bit.

"Taboo" also needs to mean that it is generally accepted as the 'norm' of thinking. So no, of course it's not taboo, because of course the norm of thinking (in all my experience, and as seen on this thread) is that gender is one bit (albeit a more or less significant bit, given the individual, but then that just proves the same thing) of the mass of detail which goes to make up each individual child.

The OPs list seems to fall very neatly into two categories: shopping choices and disasters-that-can-affect-either-sex-but- that-franly-do-not-involve-the-majority-of-children.

names- well evidently
clothes- shopping choice
hairstyles- shopping choice
schools- most of them not segragated these days
toys- shopping choice
sports- choice
hobbies- choice
friends- yeah well
interests- choice
tv, console games- shopping choice
sleepovers- possibly
books- shopping choice
learning type- as it so happens, there isn't one male and one female learning style, communication style
stranger danger- don't get this at all
school subject choices- not necessarily
teenage sex/pregnancy- sex affects either sex, pregnancy only a minority
eating disorders- affect both sexes
suicide- only affect a tiny minority behavioural problems- affects both sexes
coping with puberty- some differentiation there, true
youth crime - affects both sexes
relationship with siblings- varies with personality rather than across gender boundaries

It is true that parents don't parent different sexes the same. But then parents don't parent individual children the same either. My parents certainly had totally different expectations of my three brothers, even though they did all three have willies.

Maybe (but it is going to be a more complicated article to write ) there is a taboo around how very much parents have to adapt their style to each child they have? How what they did for no.1 just does not compute for no.2, and so on? Because that is something you hear people being a bit amazed by, and plays into the difficulties people with special needs children often initially have (because they are frequently told, at first, that their parenting style is to blame)?

I only have one DS and one DD and so don't feel my sample is big enough to be able to decide whether differences in parenting them are due to the fact one is a boy and one a girl, or because one is DS and one is DD.

Obviously some things are different (have not discussed with DD how to wee standing up) but I hopefully do my best to parent them according to their needs rather than some external list of how I should be doing things differently.

'but my point is that parents dont parent their children of different genders the same. Parents actively encourage/discourage different behaviours/attitudes according to gender. I doont think this should happen, but it does.'

I completely agree..the basic principles of a person should not be determined by their sex ..my expectations would be the same for both sexes

Taboo? You're joking, right? There are squillions of threads on mumsnet about gender differences, preferences for sons/daughters, etc etc

cory - as usual I agree with you.

I have two boys, so I can't really comment on girls.

What I have said a lot, is that sometimes, I think there is a temptation to ascribe certain differences to gender when they are as much to do with personality or birth order.

My two DSs are very different to each other, in ways which, if one of them had been a girl, I might have been tempted to put down to gender

thought I'd give some examples of what I mean :

DS1 obsessed with cars (boy stereotype) - DS2 not interested
DS1 spoke early and well (girl stereotype), so did DS2
DS2 very physical and needs lots of exercise (boy stereotype), DS1 not so much - dislikes most sports
DS1 sensitive and empathic (girl stereotype)
DS2 good at writing (girl stereotype) - DS1 struggles
DS2 obsessed with computer games (boy stereotype) - DS1 not that bothered
DS1 made any object into a gun (boy stereotype) - DS1 never did
DS1 loves idea of sleepover (girl stereotype) - DS2 not interested
DS1 likes idea of a best friend (girl stereotype) - DS2 likes being part of a group

I think listing toys as a 'shopping choice' is a bit simplistic.

I have deliberately bought my dd many 'boys' toys over the years as I don't want her to be pushed into a gender stereotype.

If dc2 is a boy he will probably end up playing with a lots of dd's toys.

I know a few one-gender households where there are only boys or only girls toys. The difference is huge.

So, what I'm saying is that I see Foreverastudent's point.

agree with jamie.

How do you see yourself foreverstudent
as a person or a woman?

i do think too much emphasis is placed on gender - we are all people fgs, all individuals, in fact i think the gender divide is actually quite damaging in its assumption of stereotypes and limitations.

just be who you are and accept who you are - that's it. and do the same for your children.

whether they play with toy hoovers or trains or dollies, is quite frankly pretty irrelevant and superficial, imho.

I have one of each. I think maybe taboo is stretching it a bit, but you have to be very careful^ when discussing differences between parenting the two.

My DS is super charged testosterone filled bundle of boy. My DD loves pink, flowers, sharing and singing.

I have to watch that what I post is not just my experience which is fairly gender extreme.

When I only had dd1 and ds, I put a lot of differences down to their gender.

Then I had dd2 and realised it was about personality ....