Do 'attachment parenting' mums have total 'buy in' from DH's?

[Undercovamutha]

Seem to have been reading a lot lately on MN about co-sleeping, bfing to sleep, 'slinging' baby a lot etc etc. It has made me remember a thread a good few months ago by a Dad who was kind of complaining about his DW's attachment parenting methods and views on sleep.

I am just really intrigued as to whether the majority of mums who 'do' attachment parenting, have the total 'buy in' from their DH's? I don't think my DH would be too pleased if our DCs were still in bed with us for example (but neither would I so we are in agreement!).

Attachment parenting seems very selfless and I admire people who do it, but I always wonder if it has negative effects on relationships or just the opposite?

{Disclaimer - not trying to be judgey - just curious and a little bit nosey!}

I had a HV imply that if we co-slept that my husband would get uncontrollably jealous and then violent towards me and DC.
SIGH.
Like anything else in a relationship there's gotta be compromise, give and take. If you want to cosleep but partner is dead against it, one of you has to compromise. IME, most men are pragmatic and will do in practice (they usually throw principles aside at this point) whatever it takes for everyone (and especially them) to get the most sleep/hear the least crying/endure the least stressful bits of parenting.

My DH initially didn't want to co-sleep with our first simply because he was afraid he might roll on her.

But about 10 seconds after she started crying in her very fancy (and fortunately borrowed) crib he fished her out and brought her back to bed with us, where she stopped crying, cuddled into me and promptly fell asleep.

We never used the crib again and there was no question DS was going to sleep anywhere but with us from day one.

DH has always thought slings are great because they're so handy for getting out and about without a pushchair to cart around, and for soothing a grizzly infant while you're trying to get on with something else.

I don't think attachment-style parenting is especially selfless. It seems much easier to us to go with the flow than to timetable our lives around set routines, and we were always bewildered by friends who timed visits around nap schedules.

DH did less babywearing than me. He preferred the strappy clippy type of sling, whereas I like my wrap.
I think he would say he wouldn't take it as far as me, however he did just parent our three and a half year old to bed, lying in bed with him until he sleeps, as he does every night.

I think he has become slightly uncomfortable about breastfeeding now DS is pushing 2, but he doesn't complain and it's not him who's doing it.

I did all the reading and research into parenting. DH has just gone along with it, but he's perfectly happy to do so. Attachment parenting is reasonable and practical, so why not.

DH is/was more into co-sleeping than me, he'd have had them in with us longer had it been up to him. He is more likely to bring them into the bed if they wake in the night; I tend to ferry them back to their own when the wriggling gets too annoying
He is a big softy, I get claustrophobic with too many kids in the bed.

It didn't cause any problems between us.

I should add, we do our own watered-down version of attachment parenting (also I didn't know it had a name until reecntly - it was just what felt natural)

I think dh is more into it than I am!

I have always been the one to try and wean ds off sleeping with us, bfing etc. Dh was supportive because ultimately it's me doing a lot of it (apart from the carrying, dh still carries our 3yo in the carrier every day) but I know he was sad when I stopped feeding ds (at 2 1/2, because I was pg) and when ds was having a bad sleeping spell recently dh was the one to suggest bringing his bed into our bedroom (he'd love to have him in our bed, but I just can't sleep with both of them in bed with me!)

We fell into AP style parenting as a survival mechanism, rather than any ideological reasons. So DS used to wake up lots and neither of us wanted to let him cry, so he came into sleep with us (now 3.5yrs and has slept in his own bed since 2yrsish). I suppose DH was a little unsure about extended bf, as it wasn't something that he had experience of, but then neither did I. However, it just became something that happened in our family, certainly no rows about it.

DH has recommended wrap slings to colleagues at work too...

For most of the night, DS (11 months) sleeps between DH and the wall! (ie not next to me...) and it was DH who first started bringing him back into bed. Again a survival mechanism when he just woke loads and loads. You get more sleep.

Now DH seems to accept that he gets a much happier wife if she has slept better. We have a bit of a weird system:

DS goes to bed in cot (BF to sleep by me), any wake ups before we go to bed, we just settle him back into cot.
Any time after we have gone to bed, he comes into bed.
Any time before about 5, DH bottle-feeds him (I was hoping he'd stop wanting to feed so much if I wasn't BF him... some hope!)
After that, it's me and DS snuggled up together til we get up.

As for slings, DH used to 'wear' him whenever we were out together.....

Well, a friend's husband did once complain to me about his wife's attachment parenting.

Don't think he ever raised it with her, but his actual complaint was: he came home late from a late shift, wife and 4 kids were asleep in the double bed, there was no room for him, he ended up sleeping in one of the kid's bunk beds.

This was not uncommon for him apparently.

She used to complain he fell asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day.

I guess I marvel at the co-sleeping. Not that someone would want to do it, but that they would be able to. I co-slept with both my DC when they were very tiny and feeding all the time (first few weeks) and was desperate to have the bed back tbh!!! I just hardly got any sleep at all, even when the baby was sleeping.

I find it SO hard to sleep with DCs in bed with me, and so does DH. I can just about understand maybe one parent not minding, but find it amazing that 2 parents manage to get to sleep with DCs in their bed. Maybe its cos we've got quite a small bed (a normal double) and 2 very wriggly DCs!!!!

I bf my 7 month old to sleep, I wear/carry him around at home, he sleeps in our bed, I bf on demand, never tried to enforce a routine - DS built his own routine at 6 months, planning to BF as long as I can (2 years). I didn't know this is actually a named parenting style. for us it's just happened this way because this is what we feel is natural. My DH loves to be woken up by our playful DS in the morning. He has no problem with me breastfeeding either and why should he? It's the natural thing to do. He does his best to make sure I eat healthily so our baby gets all the nutrients he needs from my milk. So even if he can't bf, he can contribute by making a yummy sandwich for me in the middle of the night when I'm too hungry because of breastfeeding )

I wouldn't say we were full-on AP but we co-sleep when the DC want to (if they are sick or have a bad dream) and I am still bf DS2 aged 3.

DH and I feel the same about most of the "babycare", things are a bit more complicated now they are older and we have different challenges.

I don't think I would have carried on bf DS1 (til he was 1) without DH's total support, he thinks bf is the best thing in the world and was videoing me bf DS2 yesterday because he thinks it's so beautiful.

I did't know what attachment parenting was until I clicked this thread... but apparently I sort of did it.

DW did not like breast feeding at all, didn't like being disturbed by DSs in bed ad had SPD so could not carry DSs much. However, I used to like bringing them into bed in the morning, carrying them around a lot in a sling, and napping with them during the day by reclining on the sofa with them on top of me. They did go down in a cot though and were never allowed to be clingy.

I do think that some female posters do take it too far though and run the risk of alienating their DH/DP by constantly having a baby clinging to them. I think there is a risk that what starts out as a selfless act becomes a selfish act. In my view, when a couple have a baby all three people in that relationship are equally important. The view often expressed on MN is that the man has to completely subjugate himself to his wife and baby for the the first 12 months after the birth is just wrong. There is a danger that attachment parenting can become an extreme manaifestation of that view.

Compromise and consideration for each other is very important in those stressful exhausting first 12 months and that means the baby has to have a routine as well and not be allowed to dominate every waking hour as that is the road to unhappiness for all concerned.

Not against attachment parenting style per se though.

wow! I'm not usually one to get into big 'discussions', but that's fairly emotive language there, ABetaDad, isn't it? (or maybe I'm just tired and hormonal...)

I agree that all 3 people need to be considered. But, remember, 2 of them chose to find themselves in that situation. One of them didn't, and is totally reliant on the other two.

I'll stop there, but I think if it works for you (as a family), it works for you, and there's maybe no "has to" about it? ("clinging"?)

Undercovamutha, I thought that, too, in the early days. Had to wear earplugs, cos I was kept awake by every little snuffle DS made!

But as they get bigger, it gets easier. They get quieter, and kind of take their own place in the bed.

I'm an ap type mum - it just evolved naturally. Breastfeeding just seemed right and natural, co-sleeping as a survival method to get more sleep but turned out to be lovely. I also pop dd2 in a sling to go out and about - but it's because i can't be arsed to get the buggy out and drag it down the street. It's also fab when she's grizzly and I need to get things done.

Dh prior to children had no opinion on parenting. Now he thinks bf is marvellous and loves co-sleeping as much as I do. He wouldn't be seen dead in a wrap though but will pop dd2 in a trendy hiking backpack and carry her everywhere in it.

I can't believe that ap would be detrimental to a relationship - it's so easy and relaxing. So, sure - we don't have sex every night in the 'marital bed' but there is always the marital sofa, front room, spare bedroom, dining table....

Actually haven't done the dining table as the neighbours would see us through the side window

at abetadad though...think you haven't got attachment parenting at all. I think you have got it mixed up with neurotic parenting which is completely a different thing.

DH and I are AP type parents. I was the one who did all the reading prior to giving birth to DS but I discussed it all with DH and he has been happy with what I suggested. He'll look at web artciles and has dipped into a few of the books I read. We're also surrounded by other AP type mates so all of the men are used to it all.

He used to carry DS in a baby carrier and loved it, we both love co sleeping and even though DS has a bed to move into now neither of us are desperate for him to leave.
DH is as keen for me to carry on BFing DS and is proud of me for getting this far I think! I am so blessed to have such a laid back DH - who sees bringing up our child as both our responsibility.

That said, I can get a bit preachy and bang on at him about stuff I've read in books if I disagree with what he is doing and he will just tell me to where to stick it on occasion! And that's fine too

As for selfless - for me it seemed a much easier option because I am lazy!

Oh and when I was PG we went out and bought the biggest bed we could find as we knew we would co sleep - also bought a bedside cot which was a total waste of money - I used to end up sleeping in it!

I think dh and I are both very AP-oriented. It seems to be his natural parenting style but he doesn't read all the zillions of books I do, he just does it

As the song goes, I talk about wings... and he just flew.

We've done a mix, I had problems bfing so didn't but we have co-slept when needed teething/illness/unsettledness...

But I agree a little bit with alphadad it can become selfish...

Sadly my DH can't do anything right in my DD's eyes she is 2.5yrs old and is fine with him if I'm not around but if I'm around she won't go to daddy for anything! The clingyness means I can't do anything without my shadow sometimes it would be nice to be able to do things like have a bath in peace sigh I'm 26 weeks pregnant and plan to bf this time (I now know more and understand why I couldn't last time!) I'm dreading DD being so clingy that bfing and attending to the baby is going to be difficult!!!

I can see where ABD is coming from- although it is unlikely to be the people who both discuss and agree on this sort of approach, there are some parents who perhaps subconsciously use the constant presence of their children as a way to avoid intimacy and mask difficulties in their relationship. I remember watching a parenting programme (I think it was called 'By The Book') which followed couples trying out different parenting techniques, and one set of parents tried sleep training with an older toddler who was up with the two of them until the adults' bedtime until they introduced a new routine. Once they were free to spend whole evenings together, get babysitters etc, they literally had nothing to say to each other, and split up within a few weeks of filming.

I doubt that applies to most parents who follow the AP-type of principles though, but it can happen.

DH totally supports it. I mean we do both moan when we want to stretch out in bed and DS2 is like a star fish, but it just Is. I daresay he'll be in his own bed (if he wants) in a few months, but then DC3 is due in June DH and I have rarely had a night 'alone' but just wouldn't have it any other way. People seem to get caught up in their own needs and feel very entitled to meeting them even at the detriment of their children (sorry). If DH started moaning about me parenting my baby/child in a natural way, because of waterever reasons, I would tell him to shove it - so luckily he doesn't! I can't imagine how/why a DH would object to anything to do with attachment parenting?

Erm, I can imagine that lack of time and privacy with your partner would piss quite a lot of people off, tbh. It's not such a leap to make, surely?

Well, let's just say I wouldn't resort to controlled crying or anything like that so I could spend more time with my DH. If I was that fussed I wouldn't have kids. I honestly can't get my head around it [need an hmm face that doesn't look sarcastic]

Agree BitOfFun i have know someone who's 15month old has never slept in the cot has always co-slept? I'd hate that myself, apart from the intimacy or lack of but the general being able to cuddle up to each other in bed and chat of a night time etc...I guess all things can be taken to an extreme one way or another