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Original poster

How do you stop kids wanting to be bought stuff all the time?

40 replies

roseability · 27/01/2010 14:10

My DS is nearly four and a delightful little boy

However he is starting to expect things be bought for him. This is partly my fault and partly because GPs spoil him

What is a good balance? We have started pocket money in the hope he will learn to save for things he likes

I am worried he is a little spoilt

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wastingaway · 27/01/2010 14:13

Don't buy him stuff all the time.

Four seems a little young for pocket money though.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 27/01/2010 14:13

stop buying stuff?

CarrieHeffernan · 27/01/2010 14:13

Just don't buy them. He will soon get the message.

I used to buy my DS a treat every time we went to the supermarket. Realised he was starting to expect it, so stopped. He whinged and even tantrummed for his treat the first few times we went after that, but eventually he cottoned on to the fact that it wasn't going to automatically happen every visit and now he accepts it.

He still whines for a toy every time we pass a gift shop, sweets every time we pass a sweet shop etc, but it is usually mild and doesn't last long because he has learned from experience that I am not just going to get my purse out because he stamps his foot and says 'I want...'

Be firm.

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RosieMac · 27/01/2010 14:14

Tell him you don't have money this week, but maybe next week, gives a good appreciation of money not always being easily doled out. Oh and if he really wants something what about a star chart for a week?

CMOTdibbler · 27/01/2010 14:17

DS is 3 and gets pocket money - if he wants things, then he understands really well that he needs enough money in his purse to pay for them. He doesn't normally get much money, but we obv put a bit extra in if we are going somewhere where we might buy him an icecream - he can then decide if thats what he wants to spend it on

Bramshott · 27/01/2010 14:22

I don't think you can !

I mostly solve it by never taking my DDs near a shop!

joe999 · 27/01/2010 14:24

I know how you feel, Pocket money is a good idea though.

We introduced pocket money to encourage DS and DD to save for items they wanted and it has really worked and teaches them a really valuable lesson at the same time. e.g. my DD really wanted Lelly Kelly shoes (and I had only just bought new shoes) so we agreed that if she saved for half the cost I would match it - and she did!

I do still say yes to some of their requests when we're out shopping, mainly as a treat and usually small low cost items, like stickers, or magazines etc

I have tried to get a balance - what I realised was that I was saying yes, because I felt guilty saying No!!

Original poster
roseability · 27/01/2010 14:24

I have been firm recently but I don't always have the self-confidence to stick to my guns when others are there.

I was in a shop with my MIL and he started whining for a toy. I was being firm. Then she did the whole 'oh it is hard for them' and he looked so upset so I compromised and said he could use his pocket money but there would be none left

I suspect he is a bit young to get it but is it ever to young to teach them how to save?

I think a big issue is that I am too scared my children won't like me (had a bad childhood) and when my MIL does her whole 'poor boy' thing I crumple. he quite often will refuse to see bad behaviour as it is. There is always an excuse.

She later said she used to give hers a row when they asked for things! Can'
t win

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Original poster
roseability · 27/01/2010 14:27

she quite often refuses to see bad behaviour as it is

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notnowbernard · 27/01/2010 14:29

Does he get the concept of how much something is worth at 4 though?

Mine wouldn't have, I don't think. They would've whined as much for a comic or sweeties as they would a more expensive toy

I just say "no, not today" and that's that. If they ask why I'll answer honestly - either I don't have the money, or that you can't always get what you want (a la Mick Jagger )

wastingaway · 27/01/2010 14:37

Sounds like MIL is the problem, not DS tbh.

Original poster
roseability · 27/01/2010 14:45

I don't think DS is the problem either wastingaway. If he acts spoilt it is because the adults around him have been spoiling him!

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alaprochaine · 27/01/2010 15:02

Justsay no! Got enormous pleasure the other day from being strong enough to withstand the wailing all the way down the road after I said no, I wasn't going to buy the clapped out 2nd hand toy in market. DS (4) begged, wept, followed me looking sooooo upset, heart-stoppingly pathetic, and I held firm. Got nothing but sympathetic looks from passers=by (me, that is, not him). Only doing it cos realising he is a bit spoilt - GPs next door, and they Never Ever say No.

Have been wondering about pocket money and piggy banks....

BadGardener · 27/01/2010 15:04

My most useful line here is, 'Yes, it's lovely isn't it? Ask me again when it's your birthday and if you still want it maybe it can be your birthday present.'

Morloth · 27/01/2010 16:52

Say "No".

DS gets pressies at Christmas and Birthdays and earns his pocket money by doing stuff around the house. Has done since he was 3 (obviously the stuff he does is pretty easy).

If he has pocket money he can buy what he likes (well I would probably draw the line at fags/booze as he is only 6 ). And I have been known to top it up a little if he is a little short, but that is me doing him a favour not something he actually expects.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 16:54

You have to put it in a context they understand. So I can say to my Ds's "If I buy that magazine you will not be able to have any dinner tonight because I will have no money to buy it. You will be hungry. What do you think is the big boy thing to do?"

Morloth · 27/01/2010 16:56

roseability "I think a big issue is that I am too scared my children won't like me..."

You really need to get past that or you are going to do him a massive disservice - the world will chew him up and spit him out if he doesn't learn gently from you that sometimes he can't have what he wants.

Also by saying "No" more to frivolous stuff, on the occasions when you do make an exception and say "Yes" they absolutely flip out with excitement.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 17:04

He doesn't have to like you, you're his mother, not his friend. When he acts like an equal partner of a friendship it will be appropriate to treat him as a friend, but friends do not demand things from you all the time.

If you want to teach him to like you, you have to teach him to be likable. I'd say this process takes about 20 years.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 17:06

Oh, yes, the rare occasions (say, 3 times a year) when I say they can have a magazine, my children bounce all over the shop in delight.

LeQueen · 27/01/2010 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keepo · 27/01/2010 17:16

I never really buy my kids anything in a shop, so they never ask. When they are small I always told them that those things are for christmas and birthdays. They are fine with it.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2010 17:16

I'm with coldtits

I truly don't care if my kids don't like me on a day-to-day basis

They get bought what they need when they need it...and what they want on Xmas and birthdays

Truly, if you don't give in, they just stop expecting it

Your in-laws are allowed to spoil 'em (to a certain extent) but it doesn't mean you have to as well

We are their parents, not their mates

pagwatch · 27/01/2010 17:21

I buy my DCs presents but they know not to ask.
If we are out and see something thatthey are looking at, and I view it as a suitable treat I may ask them if they would like it.
But mine learnt from a tiny age that asking gets "well why don't you pop that on your birthday/christmas waih list" and whining meant we went straight home.

My DCs love me all the time and like me probably about 50%

I remember the one and only time DD had a tantrum about wanting atoy. I picked her up and carried her home under my arm. Still makes me laugh now when I think of the and the tutting.
She never did it again though.

Being a push over, being subject to your childs whim and wants is not a gift to them or to you. It is a terrible idea.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2010 17:23

yup, pag, I have also done the carry screaming child under my arm from a shop too

I don't give a shit what people think

LeQueen · 27/01/2010 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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