Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

ok i have run out of ideas with dd2(4)

30 replies

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:03

I have to admit failure
I do not understand her at all ,never have if im honest.We have questioned whether she has some sort of behavioural problem .We have put it down to her being 'High matenience'I cannot understand why she is the way she is.
I love her so much but she is not a pleasure to have around.I spoke to her preschool about it a while back and the agreed that she was very obsessive over certain things and would not listen to them.She has improved with the listening i believe.The funny thing is ,at christmas when we thought she would kick off more than usual she was actually the best she has ever been.She was amicable, no tantrums,placid ....I can honestly say that it was the 1st time ever we have enjoyed her company.I cannot think what we did that was different other than not going to work.Which i considered it to be but the following week i had off due to snow and she was back to her usual self.
Her behaviour includes tantrums over the smallest thing,Self harming if she is angry or not happy,bolting,violent to dd1,fixates on things,destructive,shouts most of the time,wont comply,will do or want the complete opposite of everything,doesnt listen.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:27

I am thinking of banging on the HV door so must be desperate

OP posts:

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:32

anyone?

OP posts:

footballsgalore · 21/01/2010 22:37

Do you think she could have a problem coping with certain environments? is she better at home/nursery/granny's? If so can you think what is different there?

Sometimes we are so in the middle of it, it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Can you think of any triggers that you could try to focus on? Maybe picking out a few key things will help in the overall behaviour?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:42

She is even worse on holidays but pretty much the same in any enviroment.
She doesnt like change or not having the same as others.She fixates on things from her clothes to toys etc.For example if i take her to preschool wearing shoes and then collect her in boots she hates it.Refuses to walk or get in car.Something so simple??

OP posts:

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:44

She is probably best at preschool but moans about me leaving(she only goes 3 mornings and 1 day)

OP posts:

footballsgalore · 21/01/2010 22:48

What have you tried so far? sanctions, naughty step? Does she have any concept of doing wrong? Or is she just so upset at the change that she can't control it?

nancy75 · 21/01/2010 22:50

this is hard to ask without sounding like i am having a go, please don't take it that way, i'm not. but your op says you don't understand her and never have, and xmas is the first time you have ever enjoyed her company - do you think she might be picking up on this and acting up because she feels insecure/not loved as much as other siblings?
ime children, even at that age pick up on a lot of stuff, even if they dont yet have the words to talk about it.

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 22:58

When i say i dont understand her i mean i never know how she will react.With dd1 her behaviour is predictable.She is easy to relate to but she isnt put on a pedestal at all.We dicipline dd1 the same as dd2 it is just that dd2 is naughty so often.

we have tried getting on her level to talk to her
Naughty step or corner
Taking toys off her
I try to give her as much attention as i can but for example today we were trying to read a story and she couldnt cope with the story.It was an Angelina Ballerina book with the little envelopes and things inside from the story.She couldnt see that the 'invite'or whatever wasnt for her so threw it on floor.It is quite rare that she will sit through a story.

OP posts:

nancy75 · 21/01/2010 23:11

is there anything at home she enjoys doing/behaves well while doing it? i know at 4 she is old enough to understand naughty step ect (my dd is the same age) but i have found that sometimes the punishment causes more trouble than what they did wrong in the first place. i know when i have tried either naughty step or taking away a toy dd gets in such a state that she forgets what she has done to get the punishment and turns in to a devil child.

do you think she was better at xmas because you were more relaxed (not going to work/pre school ect), or did you have quite a rigid today we put the tree up, tomorrow so & so will visit ect.
my dd like to know whats going on, one of the last things she says every night is what are we doing tomorrow, i think she feels more secure knowing whats going to happen iykwim?

footballsgalore · 21/01/2010 23:13

You seem to be saying that she has trouble understanding some things. How is her speech? Does she have good comprehension when you discuss things with her?
Maybe seeing the HV would be useful, she could maybe point you in the direction of someone who could advise. Do pre-school have any big concerns, or do they think it's just cos she's a 'stroppy 4 yr old'.
Sorry if I seem to be firing questions. Not being nosey, just trying to think out loud. .

My DS 2 is bad at listening and can be quite high maintanence, although he is better than he was. He spends much of his time immersed in his own games, and gets the hump if we interrupt (eg for dinner), change the game, or play it in the 'wrong way'. Its his way or no way!
He's a bit obsessive about stuff, but aren't they all a bit at that age?

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 23:19

She loves to cook and i try to make time to do this.she is also a born performer and dances and sings and loves to be asked up on stage if out.
She certainly has trouble understanding things yes but her speech is fine.
The preschool said she had OCD behaviours and a problem with listening and were happy for the HV to observe but we havent persued it yet.Need to speak with preschool again to check on her progress.

OP posts:

nancy75 · 21/01/2010 23:24

cliche that it is have you tried reward charts/stickers that kind of thing?
i was always doubtful but i have found them to be miracle workers!
start off with stuff that you know wont cause her to be naughty - get her to do a song and dance in the living room and give her a smiley face for doing it so well, then once she gets the idea introduce things that would usually cause a tantrum, when she sits through a short story she gets a sticker, honestly don't uderestimate the allure of a sticker to a 4 year old!

Original poster

Beauregard · 21/01/2010 23:28

We have tried the reward charts and stickers but after a week or so it fails to have any impact.Worth another go i suppose.
Thanks for replying .

OP posts:

footballsgalore · 22/01/2010 20:15

At DS's nursey there is a senco (Special needs person) who is watching him for his 'lack of interactions'. She is full of good advice, maybe when you talk to dd's pre-school, they will have a similar person who could let you know how she copes and how they deal with it. You may be able to apply their tactics at home.
Funnily enough, he also loves cooking and performing! Loves The Wiggles and regularly 'treats' us all to renditions of his favourite songs, along with actions.

Original poster

Beauregard · 22/01/2010 20:32

Not had a good day
Spoke to the preschool who said that her listening has improved and they are not concerned about herThey did say that she talks a lot and talks over them though.I told them that i am at the end of my tether with her.I am so tired of it all.
Called the HV who wasnt in and left message but she didnt call back.
Fgs even trying to get her in the car after preschool was a nightmare.She was holding her umbrella as it was pouring with rain and she wanted to get in the car with it still up.I explained that there wasnt room in the car to do that.Cue her trying to pull the brolly off me and then throwing herself on the floor of the car.Then refusing to sit in her chair.And so it went on......................

OP posts:

nancy75 · 22/01/2010 20:38

hi pelvicfloornomore, sorry to hear you didn't have a good day. i have actually been thinking about the thread today, trying to think of what else i have found works with my dd.
you do sound exhausted by it, i know its not a soloution but do you have parents/friends/anyone that could maybe look after her for a few hours tomorrow just to give you a break?
re the pre school - although it might not seem like it right now, it does sound like tht is good news

Original poster

Beauregard · 22/01/2010 21:03

Hi nancy
Thankyou for thinking
My parents have both girls on a sat afternoon so at least i will get a break even if its to do the cleaning

OP posts:

footballsgalore · 22/01/2010 21:13

Have you tried simply ignoring her bad behaviour and acting as if it isn't happening? DS has recently been flying into a strop at every bed time. Don't want to have a wee, don't want to brush teeth, don't want to put on PJs etc etc. I used to get cross and insist that he 'did as he was told' and every night was a huge screaming row. I changed tack completely (the alternative was to hide under the bed and cry ).
Basically, I asked him to do something then as he flew into 'no no no', I wandered away saying, ok when you've done it we'll have a story - cue inane chattering about what story we could have, where did i put the toothpaste etc. After a while of doing this it improved, but it did take a few weeks to make an impact. He gradually learned it was getting him nowhere and gradually got better and was more easily distracted by what i was doing/saying. It's much better now. Not perfect, but bearable.
Think he liked the performance and drama and attention of it all.

footballsgalore · 22/01/2010 21:15

Don't do the cleaning. Do something nice for yourself and have a rest. You sound totally worn down with it all. Curl up with a book or DVD.

Original poster

Beauregard · 22/01/2010 21:27

Sometimes i do ignore it .It is hard though and not always practical.I was guilty today of telling her to just go away from me
She started punching herself in the head tonight because i said she couldnt put her princess dress on (wanted her to put pj's on)

OP posts:

Original poster

Beauregard · 22/01/2010 21:29

I will try to ignore the behaviour more Footballsgalore.Thanks for replying.

OP posts:

nancy75 · 22/01/2010 22:12

got sidetracked by silent witness!
agree with footballsgalore - sod the cleaning, do something nice for you even if its just for an hour (any chance they can have them overnight to give you a proper break)
i also agree with the ignoring it if you can. i'm quite lucky with dd, she is quite easy going but we did have a stage at about 3.5 when she would not be told no - similar things to you have mentioned didn't want pjs on, not putting shoes on, bloody umbrellas (they bring out the worst in kids), whether its the right thing to do or not i don't know but i do remember we often just used to laugh (partly because she looked so funny going red and stomping, but partly because we didnt know what else to do) she soon learnt that sceaming ect didn't get the required reaction.

from your posts i think you need to have a break and then just try and get into a new frame of mind. if you can just think to yourself right, sunday, start of a new week we are going to try giving her more/less structure/reward charts/praising good stuff trying to ignore bad - anything you think might help

also remember there is nothing wrong with asking for help, if your parents are nearby and she is driving you mad ring them and ask them to have her for an hour

Original poster

Beauregard · 22/01/2010 23:18

They wouldnt have her overnight Nancy
But yes i will try and do something for myself tomorrow.Maybe go a walk in the forest.
Just printed of some Award certificates in the hope that i will get to give one to her.

Thankyou for posting both of you.It is nice to know i have virtual support.

OP posts:

nancy75 · 22/01/2010 23:25

with the reward thing, start off with something that you know she can do - sing a song do a dance that kind of thing. if it starts off as being a negative thing that she doesn't achieve she wont try because she will just think she can't get the reward. also (and i will probably be shot on mn for suggesting it) i find that chocolate works even better as a reward than stickers!
with our dd the main issue we had was eating - we did a smily face chart and every night if she ate her dinner she got a smiley face, if at the end of the week she had 5 out of 7 smiley faces she got to choose a special bar of chocolate/magazine that kind of thing.

nancy75 · 22/01/2010 23:27

actually you said she likes cooking - her reward for however much good behaviour could be she gets to make extra special fairy cakes.

Flip

1 2