ok i have run out of ideas with dd2(4)

[Beauregard]

I have to admit failure
I do not understand her at all ,never have if im honest.We have questioned whether she has some sort of behavioural problem .We have put it down to her being 'High matenience'I cannot understand why she is the way she is.
I love her so much but she is not a pleasure to have around.I spoke to her preschool about it a while back and the agreed that she was very obsessive over certain things and would not listen to them.She has improved with the listening i believe.The funny thing is ,at christmas when we thought she would kick off more than usual she was actually the best she has ever been.She was amicable, no tantrums,placid ....I can honestly say that it was the 1st time ever we have enjoyed her company.I cannot think what we did that was different other than not going to work.Which i considered it to be but the following week i had off due to snow and she was back to her usual self.
Her behaviour includes tantrums over the smallest thing,Self harming if she is angry or not happy,bolting,violent to dd1,fixates on things,destructive,shouts most of the time,wont comply,will do or want the complete opposite of everything,doesnt listen.

Hi pelvic
Sorry! have had one of those weekends so haven't got here to check in.
Hope things are feeling a bit better, even just by 'talking'. Sometimes virtual advice is easier as you don't have to 'admit failure (as you put it) to friends/family who may judge you.
Just so you know, you are not a failure, we all go through this at some point and we all know that we can't be textbook parents all the time and real kids aren't perfect. They are hard to fathom a lot of the time and we all do our best, as often we can.
Hope you have found a way through. One thing I forgot to say earlier, is that these things sometimes take longer than we think to work. So whatever you decide, stick with it for a while even if you think its going nowhere.
Also agree with Nancy- If chocolate works go for it. Desperate times need desperate measures Don't worry I'm sure no one else on MN is looking!!!

Hi thanks for looking in on me

Today wasnt too bad but i think i was slightly more relaxed so that prob helped.We made ourselves go out for tea this afternoon and dd2 started to tantrum as soon as we got there.From getting out the car and then because we wouldnt buy her a teddy.She went on and on for about 30 mins and i came close to walking out tbh but in the end we managed to distract her.

Chocolate may be the way to go
Will try it i think

Just spoke to the HV and she has suggested a hearing test(because of dd's shouty voice)and will refer us to the community paedatric and child psychology team.She is going to speak to the preschool also.
I feel awful for moaning about dd all the timemaybe its just that we are shitty parents or something?
I just want to be able to do normal family stuff and be relaxed and not worried over dd's reaction/behaviour.I want to be able to enjoy her company and vice versa.

you're not shitty parents.
i think its easy to get to a point where your worry about her behaviour makes it actually seem much worse than it is. everyone leads such busy lives, always tired and about a minute away from just had enough - i know i go thriugh phases where i think dd is the naughtiest child on earth, never eats her dinner, won't do as she is told, but when we are having a good spell i can step back, breathe, and see that half the problem is me making too much of it. you will get there with your dd, it could be hearings problems which can be sorted out, you might find a way of dealing with her that works for you or she might just grow out of it. try and keep positive

Thanks nancy
I do hope we can find something that works