continuum concept/attachment parenting

[bobolana]

Hi, I am expecting my first child and lately had started reading a lot about the different concepts in child bringing. I find the continuum concept a very good and probably really working for children.I would like to get some feedback from someone who has practicing the attachment parenting.

I have some concerns about the theory of continuum concept parenting. It is based on anthropological evidence and dodgey extrapolation.

That said, I didn't put my second born down for his first six months. We followed the "In Arms Stage" to the letter. He never went in the buggy, He hated it when we tried, so I just had him in a wrap sling all the time. We co slept, breastfed and spent almost all our time in constant touch.

What I disagree with in continuum concept is that small children can just tag along with whatever their parent is doing and largely be ignore. They are meant to have a built in concept of danger which means that they don't fall off edges, which Jean Liedloff thinks means they are safe wherever.

Attachment parenting is much better reasoned and well described in practice in a modern western lifestyle. I very much recommend the "Baby Sleep Book" by Dr and Martha Sears.

I continue to breasfeed my youngest to sleep at 23 months. He slept through for the first time just before Christmas, so after he was 1 1/2. It's all worth it. I have a great realtionship with my boys. They trust me to listen to them and to love them unconditionally.

Speaking of which, I also recommend "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn.

will they develop a 'secure attachment'?

One example of this, (and I know there is no way to prove the causality) neither of my children, nearly 2 and 3 and a half have any kind of attachment object. No favourite bear, no dummy, no blankie, neither suck their thumbs. They just don't need the crutch.

We don't push independance like some great ideal.

We do now leave our three and a half year old in his room before he has actually dropped off, but only if he is happy about it and only if the past year.

Hi Wolliw, thank you for the feedback. At the moment I am reading 'Attachement parenting' by Katie Garju and am really positive about the whole idea. After I'll get your books.

I think you have to have an open mind and see how you feel when the baby is born. The happiest babies and parents are those who are prepared to go with the flow.

I found the continium concept too rigid. I prefer Dr Sears and attachment parenting. I think the best way to find out about their parenting styles is to meet real life parents. For example La Leche League is a good place to meet such parents or maybe a slingmeet.

For example we co sleep, but I do use a buggy for long journeys. I have a rear facing buggy which my daughter is happy in. She is happy provided that she can see me. We parent by instinct rather than by a book.

Wolliw, my daughter does suck her thumb inspite of being carried, breastfed on demand and co sleeping. Its just something she enjoys. Many babies suck their thumb in the womb.

Don't let Granju put you off. Her anthropological references do her opinion no good because she is stuck in the Noble Savage ideas of the late C20th. She also seems to have a big problem with men. She suggests in her book that if the family cannot afford to have a SAHM then dad should get 2 jobs and never see his family.

Attachment Parenting is fabulous but Katie Graju is rather extremist fundamentalist. Don't let her put you off.

Im not slating any of this, Im genuinly interested as ive never read any of the above and I have a 6 week old baby.

How can you get anything done? Does it not get really stressful and overwhelming carrying them everywhere?

I have a 2.8 yr old too and just wonder how he would feel about it and if id be able to give him enough attention.

Just give me an idea of how it works as my DD has reflux and cries all the time and im at the end of my tether. I will try anything.

I think most people to a mixture, and you have to be flexible depending on the baby you get. I carried my son for first 2 months, but then he decided he didn't like it! We co-slept for a while, but now he fights if you hold him to sleep, so i stay with him, but he sleeps in a cot.

He has a dummy, but he has reflux and has always been screamy, even in sling.

Be prepared to follow your instinct and go with the flow.

Agree with going with the flow. I read the continuum concept when I was pregnant with my first child and it sounded good to me!

The reality was that I had a tiny (5lb 9oz) baby who didn't know how to breastfeed, didn't much like being carried or snuggled and slept restlessly until I put him in his own moses basket by my bed, whereupon he started to sleep very well. I found that DS and I have similar temperaments; we both need our own space. I wanted to be all lentil weaving but in reality had to accept that I was more middle of the road, liked being able to put the baby down or pass them over so I could have a sleep ALONE and didn't really want to be with my son 24/7, lovely as he was. I just needed my own space, and he did too. We woke each other up when trying co-sleeping the first month, but I struggled on because I thought it was the right thing to do. But it wasn't the right thing for us. I almost gave myself PND trying desperately to breastfeed even though I hated it and had a baby who seemed unable to feed well, and then trying to express for 6 weeks. I should have just gone with the flow, even if it wasn't how I planned things to happen.

It's all about what works for you and your baby, everyone is different and you can follow a philosophy to the letter or just use your intuition and do what feels right.

However, my son won't sleep without his two stuffed monkeys at 17 months, so perhaps I did it all wrong

as others have said, take what you need and leave the rest

I certainly carried dd everywhere for aaaaages. slings rock. they are also brilliant for second and subsequent children cos you can pop baby in and get on with the rest of the day as if they weren't there at all - you can push eldest on swing, read books with them, do puzzles, go shopping, do school run, all this without removing the littlest member of the family apart from for feeds, and even those can be done in sling by those with more skill than me

slings rock

you can find your local slingmeets or ap groups on yahoo groups - it's good to share with other people who don't cc at 3 months for example in case you feel a bit of a weirdo at baby groups

I followed some of the attachment parenting advice, I demand fed, co-slept (still do with my youngest who is 3) and used a sling the majority f the time. I also had a rear facing pushchair for longer trips, but didn't use it much until they were much bigger as I found the sling easier.

Haven't got much to add as I agree with the other posters who have had positive experiences with it, other than to reiterate how brilliant slings are- try different types if you can, and different holds. On the back is a good one to master for cooking.

And get the biggest bed you possibly can! Superking size

Why does it have to be given a silly label like 'continuum concept'? Why do peopel have to buy books written by halfwits to direct them in how to bring up your child?

You are the parent. Do what you want.

Oh, and in the name of God, don't go near Alfie Kohn. A well meaning man but full of shit and targetting Americans who are completely different to the Brits in the way they bring up their kids.

The thing I like about the 'attachment parenting' idea is it encourages you to treat your baby like a human being. If my DH or sister or friend was distressed and crying or was asking for my attention, I would of course want to be there for them and comfort them. I would listen to them and if I could do something to help I would. Babies are people. If my baby is distressed and I can help change that, I will. Too many parenting 'philosophies' seem to expect you top switch off any kind of basic human empathy when dealing with your child.

Leading on from that, I agree with moondog to do your own thing. I am a unique person, and so are each of my babies. I would never expect a book to tell me how to relate to my husband - it might give me some good ideas but I would never follow it to the letter. It's just the same with parenting books. Read them with caution - if you get hung up on any one approach I think they can create more problems than they solve. One risk with reading books about attachment parenting is they can leave you guilt-laden - with the idea that because perhaps you can't always respond instantly to your baby's cries, or carry them all the time, they will be damaged in some way. Having a small one is hard enough, don't let anyone or anything make you feel guilty for being a less than perfect parent.

D'you reckon if I had been raised with the continuum concept that I'd be able to cope without Mumsnet? Or is it only children who are not supposed to have attachment objects?

Yes, a big surpise for me was that my son was born with his own personality.

Oh and the guilt because i crave to be able to go to toilet on my own, or occasionally spread out on my bed and sleep on my own ;)

I have practiced attachment parenting with my 2 children, co-sleeping, breastfed to term,
slings, my children were never left to cry. No nurseries, no childminders.
My oldest child is soon to be 13, and I am so pleased I have taken this route. My children have wonderful self esteem, they are caring and humane, and so easy to parent. They trust their own instincts, respect themselves and others, this attachment parenting has worked like a dream.
We had to sell our beautiful house and move to cheap rented accommodation so I could stay at home with our children, but we are rich now beyond measure because of the way our children have developed.
La Leche League has been instrumental in styling my parenting, as have reading many books about the subject.
I really think books have their place, as we need to realise that many of the child rearing practices we assume to be "normal" are in fact modern, western, fashionable
ideas.
Sears books are great, I am also a fan of Deborah Jackson, her "Three in a Bed" is very well known, but also "Baby Wisdom" is a wonderful book which examines baby rearing practices from a historical and global view, allowing us to step outside the box and be objective about how we parent.

Hmm, you see my son has been left to cry- while I go to the toilet. He cried almost all the time (upwards of 8 hours a day) for the first 2 months. That was in the sling. He cried in the sling, in the pram, sitting up, lying down etc. What I found useful was Dr Sears article on high needs babies. Otherwise I would be constantly guilty as to why my constantly carried, co-sleeping child wouldn't stop crying, and never slept.

The thing no-one really knows how much is down to what you do and what is there personality. Don't beat yourself up if you don't turn out to be the parent you thought you would be.

I agree with you Roslily. I remember ringing my mum in tears because I needed the loo and a drink of water, but if I took baby off the breast he screamed. I had been feeding him for 3 hours - his latch was fine, he was gaining weight, he could just only seem to settle with a boob in his mouth. I felt so inadequate - I sat on the sofa dying of thirst and desperate for a pee but felt like if I made him cry I was damaging him.

Attachment parenting is good. I 'never left my baby to cry' either. But sometimes when we say that to people who are not yet parents we need to be honest and clear about what that means. My baby DID cry - lots - despite the fact he was slinged and breastfed and we coslept. And sometimes, however strong our 'attachment', I didn't know what was wrong. And sometimes I left him to cry - like for 2 minutes - because I needed to pee. The ideals and the reality don't always match up - and I don't think (now I';m older and wiser!) that I was doing anything 'wrong' or thjat I wasn't being an 'attachment parent'. I think that's just what life with a newborn is like.

There is a middle road between the continium concept and Gina Ford. Children are not quite as fragile as some people make out.

Provided that you love your child and don't do anything spectatularly stupid they will be fine. Also what is right for one child is not right for another.

For example I need to work for the sake of my mental health. If I was a stay at home mum my children would get a very bad deal.

This is really interesting. I didn't read about attachment parenting when my ds was born - 7 years ago and yet we sort of naturally went down that path. It is only in the last 2 years that I have picked up any books on the subject. I did find Alfie Kohn's book interesting and thought it raised valid points but I really found 'Letting Go As Children Grow' to be excellent. It is written by the same woman who wrote 'Three in a Bed". Deborah something.

I would be really interested to know the theory (from attachment parenting side) on attachment objects. Ds has never had an attachment to a toy or a blanket etc and I have always been a little worried as I thought it was a normal transitional thing - reading some of the posts here it sounds like there might be more to it than that. Can anybody clarify.

I've been a long time lurker on mumsnet but this is my first post. Hi.

I read The Continuum Concept whilst pregnant and liked it. My friend has some Sears books which I've dipped into from time to time. I also have the AK book and like it. I'm not a great fan of the naughty step or any of that stuff. I like the fact that AK put what I was feeling about rewards/ punishments into words. I want DS to be self motivated and not be constantly trying to please me - like I did for my parents for so many years. I hate GF and enough has been said about that on mumsnet so no need for me to elaborate.

DS is two now. We co- sleep but have just bought him his first bed and when we get round to putting the damn thing together (am putting off the inevitable row with DH) we'll start the process of moving him. When he was a baby I used a sling - sometimes. I left him to cry when I needed a wee - ffs which book tells you you can't do that? There's a difference between leaving your child to cry for hours on end and popping for a wee when you need one!

Anyway I think that like with any parenting books you take what suits you and your family and reject what doesn't. Continuum concept is a great starting point but what works in the Yequana tribe in South America isn't culturally relevant in UK suburbia. Anyone that allows a book to make them feel guilty needs to remember that this the view of one person - a random stranger. Far better to examine your own thoughts and feelings and discuss it with people whose opinions you value than let someone you don't know make you feel bad.

I hate any parenting term - I always get annoyed when I feel that I'm putting myself into a box. However it is useful when asking for advice on a forum or something like that as it identifies what kind of advice you'l be receptive too.

Would write more but DS is leaping on me so no time to edit post - hope makes sense.

Im feeling very guilty now.

When I was PG with DS I knew nothing. A friend who's little boy was a dream. Slept all night, slept for a 2-3 hour nap in the day and was always very happy - was the only person I had to go by.

I asked her her secret and she said Gina Ford. I had heard nothing about her. I went to the shop, bought and studied the book like you wouldnt believe and followed it to the letter.

My DS, even though he had reflux, slept through the night from 3 months and always had a 2-3 hour nap in the day also. He was a very happy baby apart from when reflux was not diagnosed until 5 months, it peaked at 4 months and he was in pain, screaming alot.

I didnt know the woman was so hated. I was shocked to go out with other mums and hear them slate people who followed her - I just sat quiet!!

I can honestly say though there is the mis conception that she tells people to leave babies to cry. I read it cover to cover and there's no mention of that. Her biggest philosophy is that babies need naps/sleep to grow healthy and happy. She says you should put your life on hold for the first year and their naps come first - not coffee at lunch time. You should go home and put the baby in their comfortable bed for a deep sleep. I used to hate rushing home everyday but I reap the benefits now. At 2.8 yrs he still sleeps in his cot for 2 hours a day and gets up refreshed and happy.

ANYWAY, my point is (phew they say) Im now wondering if there's an element that has made him very independant to the point where I miss my baby!
When I go out with other mums their 2 yr olds hang round them or need their hand to go to the soft play at first and always seem to look over their shoulder for their mum.
My DS has never been like this and it un nerves me a bit.
My DS runs in, disappears into the softplay and never looks back or comes to find me . He's not the cuddly clingy type at all.
He has his moments where I will get a spontaneous hug and a 'luff you mummy' but it's a rarity.
He is very confident but to the point where I wonder why he's not more like other 2 yr olds.
I have a 6 week old DD and 2.8 yrs of now hearing how people hate the GF way I doubt my parenting skills.
Is it good to have an independant, sleeping child and would I cope otherwise!!
OR would I have a better relationship with my DD if I change the way I done things.

Im just a lacking confidence a bit as DD has much worse reflux and Im just teatering on insane with nerves and feeling quite low about myself as a mum.

Why is my DS so different from my friends kids, surely a 2 yr old still needs to know their mummy is still in the building an hour after we have arrived somewhere!? Is he weird or normal?

I am sorry you are feeling so down on yourself. For all the people out there who slate GF there are an equal number who think she is great (not me but I'm not into knocking people who have different ideas).

I think if GF works for you and, more importantly, your kids, then you have to stop listening to all the nay-sayers out there and focus on doing the right thing for your kids.

It sounds like your ds is bold and confident and a lot of that could be down to his individual personality and nothing to do with GF. You may find your dd is clingy and shy despite having been GF'd.

There is no right, there is no wrong, there is certainly no normal. If your ds is happy and thriving I think you are on the right track. Trust yourself and don't listen to others.

I wouldn't feel guilty and automatically assume that you have done something to make your ds the person he is.

People have different personalities.

I often felt I had been surgically attached to dd, who was cuddled and breastfed almost constantly. Ds I sometimes had to leave to cry because dd (at 3.5) was still extremely high maintenance. Yet ds at 9 is a very lovely and caring boy; I can't think that anything I could have done could have improved him in any way (except possibly being a little stricter about tidiness ).

Dd can be mature and independent but has a tendency to freak out when under stress. I don't think it's anything to do with my parenting at all: she's exactly like my Mum and my big brother, so obviously genetic.

As for the wisdom of earlier generations- at least my ancestors were poor people who laboured hard in the fields: any attempt to cuddle a baby 24/24 would have resulted in same baby being cut in half with a sickle.

whensmydayoff, if GF works for you then good luck for you. Taking a different approach to parenting a baby does not make you a good parent or a bad parent. Its about finding a way that works for you.

Bad parents are those who abuse their children. Ie. shutting them in a cupboard, or depriving them of food or physical or sexual abuse. I doult that baby P's parents followed either Gina Ford or Dr Sears.

It really makes no difference whether a mother follows the continium concept or attachment parenting. What is important is that the baby is loved and the parents do their best for a child.

We all have different priorities in life. For me having a baby who sleeps through the night is not so important. I would hate to have my baby's naps dominate my life. It would not be fair on my older child.

Happy mother = happy child (99% of the time)