continuum concept/attachment parenting

[bobolana]

Hi, I am expecting my first child and lately had started reading a lot about the different concepts in child bringing. I find the continuum concept a very good and probably really working for children.I would like to get some feedback from someone who has practicing the attachment parenting.

No author will have met your baby and no book will be written for the specific needs of you and your baby.

The 'best' method of parenting for you might not be the best for anyone else and vice versa.

You and your baby will be happiest if you simply go with the flow and find your own path as a family, by alll means read the books and take ideas from them but trying to rigidly follow a prescribed formula for parenting, whether it be GF or UC, simply discourages you from using your own perfectly good parental instincts as to what's right for your family.

From my limited experience (20 weeks) i can say that babies are born who they are. There is no real way to determine what makes them that way, as you can't go back and bring up the same child differently iyswim.

I was a very independent child, on my first day of school i ran in, away from my mum with no tears or cuddles. Nothing to do with my mum, just who i am.

Anyway, i have spent to much of my ds's life already. And i did think not letting them cry meant ever- even to go to toilet!

Sorry I mentioned GF - just not my cup of tea. I'm not a strict routine kind of a person - so it just wouldn't suit me. Besides which I like to be able to go about my business as and when I like - so having a baby that needs to sleep in a certain bed at a certain time would do my head in!
Doing it the AP way (although I hate to label myself an AP parent - It's just if you have to label our style then that would be closest to it) has meant we have been on holidays, visited people, been to parties all with DS- it's been fab!

I agree with the PPs who say not to get too hung up on a particular theory - they come and go in childrearing. Mix 'n' match based on what makes you and your baby feel most comfortable with. I still co-sleep with 2 year-old DD but she went to nursery at 3 months. I used a sling but later a front-facing pushchair. I breastfed fully for 3 months and partially for the next 3.

Treat the childraising books as helpful suggestions, not rules to live by.

Don't be a martyr to an parenting philosophy. That's the lesson I learned. I did all the AP/ Cont. Con stuff as a single mum with premature twins - and no family/ help of any kind.

On the good side, my now 8 yr old sons are v v affectionate and loving. They transitioned without any problems from co-sleeping one on either side of my for their first 5 yrs, to their own separate bedrooms at age 5. I abruptly stopped b/ feeding when they were 28 months old and after 3 days, they were absolutely fine too.

On the other hand, I was confined more or less all the time to my bed/ bedroom for 5 solid months (a paid home help cams and got me a meal once a day but that was it). I got breast thrush and mastitis, had a temp of 104 degrees and STILL tried to b/feed. the twins NEVER got the hang of latching on properly and ingested probably more of my blood than my milk!!

I bought 2 lovely Maya wrap slings but could never ever use them as, if I had one in a sling, the other cried, if I had both in, they both cried and at no time could I walk around, let alone do anything with them in slings.

I carried them BOTH to the bathroom and placed them on the floor, every time I went to the loo - and still they cried. I never had time to bath and barely to shower....

I loved the idea of this philosophy but as you can see, in my circumstances with my particular babies, it didn't really work.

In retrospect, I'd have been MUCh more moderate. The twins woke every 20 mins all night and day, to feed, for 28 months, until I stopped b/feeding. They only began sleeping at the same time for stretches of 6 to 7 hrs when they were 5 YEARS old and were in their own rooms!!!

It was a nightmare and I feel I missed some potentially good parenting years by martyring myself to one philosophy.

Read and reflect but wait to see what works for you and for your particular baby.

In my business life I am the type of person, who usually knows what is doing, where is going and etc. I am very organised, but when it comes to private, social life - I am absolute bohemian - enjoy life as much as I can.

Being pregnant with my first child had made me feel and think about how responsible you have to be. What if you do something wrong and you end up with a spoiled child with no interest in life and people. When I heard about the attachment parenting and the continuum concept I thought that this will be the right thing for me to do, as I do love my freedom.

Reading your comments I now more and more get the feeling that I have to trust my own instinct and just follow the road of being a parent.

Do you think that I have to read some of the other books/methods of bringing a child?

I read NO BOOKS before I had a baby. I'm glad in many ways I didn't. It's so much trial and error. Also, what works seems to change as they change. I was very 'AP' when DS was under 18 months. When I stopped breastfeeding at 22 months (because I was pregnant and had sore boobs!) he strated sleeping much more at night and started having regular daytime sleeps. This has led me to become a bit more routine orintated, becausde HE seemed to get more into a routie - I'm doing things now with him (eg telling him when to sleep) that I would have been horrified at 2 years ago. You have to go with the flow - your baby is it's own person, and the process of parenthood changes you as a person too - I would shut the books, and wait and see what s/he is like!

bobolana,

I suggest that you try and meet families that follow methods that you are interested in. If you go to a La Leche League meeting then you will learn about breastfeeding as well as meeting parents who follow attachment parenting/ continium concept.

You will have to find your own parenting style and maybe you might be better with a more organised approach like the baby whispher if you don't want to be as strict as Gina Ford.

In someways its impossible to prepare for having a baby. Your life will be turned upside down in ways you cannot imagine.

I like the ideas of the continuum concept and feel it works best with a second child, as the idea is you pop the baby into a sling and get on with your life - this doesn't really work with your first baby, because you are on maternity leave and suddenly having a little baby to care for is so phenomenally different from everything you've ever done before (unless you are a nanny or similar obviously!) - it's also based on tribal societies, and we are not one, most mothers simply don't have the support required to keep it up constantly.

I think that a sling is a very useful tool, as is a pram/pushchair, and baby bouncer/rocker/swing. I would fully recommend co-sleeping and breastfeeding, and doing as little as possible in the first months just learning who this tiny person is who will change your life completely. And I think it is a good idea to subscribe to the notion that they learn the most from just witnessing life, everyday things like shopping and adult conversations and watching you do things around the house, rather than spending a lot of money on fancy toys or letting them watch TV etc.

Not sure about the sense of danger thing as DS fell off stuff a few times when I wasn't paying attention to him and other things aren't really instinctual - for example at the moment he is 15 months and has just discovered the ignitor button on the cooker makes a nice noise! I can see potential for a horrible accident there so he is banned from playing in the kitchen unless under very close supervision until he is old enough to understand why it is dangerous.

On the Alfie Kohn/UP type of track, I like the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - it's a good basic idea of non-punishment discipline techniques.

I always think that ones it is born, I'll be able to go in a day routine and that the baby will actually kind of sense what is right or not. For me it all will be organised baby care, but kind of have the feeling that it won't. How do you cope with the sleeping? Do you have the baby in your bad, or in a cot?

I use a bedside cot. It gives the best of both world, I have the convience of co sleeping, but safety of having a baby in the cot. At a later date its easy to put up a cot side and have normal cot.

See this link for a picture

www.thekidswindow.co.uk/furniture/bedside_cot.htm

Its often worth looking on ebay to get one second hand and getting a new mattress. There are some bargains especially if you find one where the buyer has to pick up.

I am scared that I might roll on the baby during the night, but still want to try the bed sharing.

You don't roll on the baby - you are aware of them even in your sleep. Also the sleeping position most mums adopt instinctively protects the baby and makes it very unlikely to roll onto them. But a bedside cot is a very good compromise as the baby has their own space but is still really easy access for breastfeeding. When DS was little I used to sleep with him cuddled up to me but if I wanted to sleep with my back to him or if I'd had a drink for example (ie alcohol) I would make sure he was well in the bedside cot before I fell asleep. Now he is older he tends to prefer being in his own space anyway. I also think this helps with the transition to a cot or bed later on, that they have the concept of their own space.

You won't roll on the baby hon (and if you did he or she would let you know pretty quickly!) Just don't bed-share drunk or under the influence of sedative drugs.

Check out this link for loads of resources.

Enjoy

V interesting thread.

my theory is that rading all these books is a good idea - gives you some idea of the spectrum of successful ways to do it.

then choose what works for you. we are pretty laid back so the idea of full on GF horrified us - both our slept happily in buggies while we were out and about - we'd have been miserable being dictates to.

equally, i never really got on with the slings so couldn't have done continuum.

for the record, our kids are pretty happy confident and bright. neither has a dummy/comforter.

no you won't roll on the baby, when they're little co-sleeping is easy as you just curl yourself around them but once they get older and start wiggling around all night that awareness seems to become overruled by your bodies need for sleep..... i woke up this morning to discover i was cuddling ds's feet and his head was somewhere around my waist i've also woken up to find him sliding head first off the bed (sense of danger my arse, sense of invincibility more like).

i also personally dislike letting them sleep alone in our bed, all mine have fallen off beds under supervision so i have no doubt they'd do it even more if left alone.... all three of mine have started the night in a cot and come into our bed the first time they woke after we went to bed. this worked well as the older they get the longer they sleep and the longer they spend in the cot leading to a lovely gradual transition to full time cot sleeping... although they do tend to continue coming into our bed for a cuddle... dd and ds1 are 5 and 3 and still appear in our bed frequently

Reallytired I agree that eveyrone has to find am ethod that is best for them. I also think that if people put too much pressure on themselves to do things acertain way it can lead to problems, as those of us already with babies know that things do not always go to plan.

Personally, I can't think of anything worse than having a baby with me 24/7. I would say I am a pretty relaxed parents and although I have demand fed all three of my babies, I haven't really ever co-slept (except during early and extreme bouts of colic) or used a sling etc. I have always expected babies to fit in with my rotuine or whatever I am doing, and have had no qualms about just putting them to bed, closing the doro and going downstairs to hoover for five/ten minutes so I can't hear them if I have tried everything and they are still crying.

As a result, I have had babies that slept through the night early on (6 weeks, 3 months and from birth, although the birth one was 'cheating' I suppose, as he had Downs and a heart condition which made him sleepy) have very rarely cried and been easy in every way. They have never had dummies, comfort blankets or teddy bears. I have never had to worry that if they slept in the day they wouldn't sleep at night. My eldest is now 13 and is a wonderful child, very kind, thoughtful and caring. Also independant and capable but able to talk to me about anything.

All of that just goes to show that all sorts of parenting works, as clearly others have used different methods and also found them successful. Everyone really needs to go with what is best for them. A happy mother is the best sort to have!

midori1999 I think we are in agreement.

The mood of the mother and baby often reflects each other. Prehaps what this thread has shown is that there are many diverse ways to parent a child. Provided that you aren't abusive then the children won't come to harm.

Certainly diffferent types of parent can produce kind, caring children. Our goals aren't far appart even if our means of getting to those goals are different.

Ladies, you are all very helpful and thank you for this.
As a first time mother to be I have a lot to learn, but you are giving me the confidence, that no mater what method I will choose to bring my kid, as long as I am loving and caring there should be no problems.