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Original poster

How do you tell your 6yo that you are leaving her father because of his cheating?

26 replies

NewnameSameoldme · 13/01/2010 16:52

My father cheated on my mother. They split up when we were kids.
She gave us some hazy reason at the time but then for the rest of my life she basically put across to me that all men are cheating shits.
So I went into my relationships with this baggage and it has become a self-fullfilling prophecy as I am now leaving a man who cheated on me for 20 years, see my other threads if you'd like more background.

It occured to me today that if my mother, instead of saying 'all men are cheating shits', had said 'don't ever stay with a man who cheats' maybe I would have left the first time he cheated instead of the 15th.

I think I need to be very careful what message I plant in my DDs heads about men, cheating and relationships.
Do I tell them that mummy left daddy because he didnt keep his promise to love only her but loved other women too or do I just fob them off with 'mummy and daddy dont get on anymore'?

I think this is very important, could have massive implications for my daughters' future happiness and I don't want to get it wrong.

OP posts:
littleducks · 13/01/2010 16:53

You fob her off.

zookeeper · 13/01/2010 16:55

you fob her off

diedandgonetodevon · 13/01/2010 16:56

You don't tell her anything about the cheating ffs- she has to have a relationship with her father. Don't poison it for her.

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domesticextremist · 13/01/2010 16:57

you say that you both love her very much but that you dont want to live with eachother - why on earth would you say anything else?

Pineapplechunks · 13/01/2010 16:58

Fob her off definitely, it won't do her or you any good to do anything else.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 13/01/2010 17:00

fob her off FFS

nellynaemates · 13/01/2010 17:01

Absolutely do not tell her about him cheating. She is far too young to comprehend adult relationships and you'll leave her confused and possibly thinking her daddy's a bad man.

You make your explanation age appropriate. If she asks questions when she's much older then you decide how you frame the cheating thing. Only then.

IMO.

Original poster
NewnameSameoldme · 13/01/2010 17:02

Fob her off indefinately? Never tell her?

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 13/01/2010 17:03

I'm with dometicextremist... No need to give her any detail. She may ask when she's older and you can use your judgment then.

My mum used to say "she'll be sorry" every time we saw someone getting married. I'm 44 and have never been married. I think you're wise to consider this carefully given that we do seem to act on our mother's advice but I think that your DD is a bit young to hear that daddy has been unfaithful.

bubblagirl · 13/01/2010 17:05

you should say mummy and daddy dont love each other any more but we both love you very much too young to understand and although his done wrong she shouldn't bare the brunt of that when she is old enough then you can have the chat in the mean time as long as she knows you both love her very much im sure she will cope just fine with that explanation

Original poster
NewnameSameoldme · 13/01/2010 17:06

Belle - thanks i think you understand what I'm driving at - not to say the other posters don't.
FWIW I am not married to my cheating partner. Neither of us saw much point since we both came from 'broken homes' and had no romantic delusions about marriage as opposed to living together.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewnameSameoldme · 13/01/2010 17:08

Out of curiosity, has anyone ever done a study of what children whose parents have seperated think of the idea that their parents don't love each other anymore?

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 13/01/2010 17:12

I was going to add that I think you're setting a good example by not staying in a situation that makes you unhappy. I think, like me, you may feel very strongly that we learn about relationships from our parents?

I think just by handling things with dignity and not carrying on with the relationship as it is, you're teaching her that women have a right to be treated with respect or change their circumstances if they are not.

Original poster
NewnameSameoldme · 13/01/2010 17:14

Belle - thanks
But what about when she finds out I endured it for 20 yrs?
i feel like i've wasted my whole life.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 13/01/2010 17:16

Haven't seen any studies but a quick Google search returned this for advice on how to tell children about splitting up.

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/01/2010 17:22

Ah but you haven't wasted your whole life. You tell her that you loved him very much.

Not wishing to turn this into being about me but my mum endured 30 years of verbal and physical abuse from my father (alcoholic). I often used to ask her why we couldn't leave when I was young but (in those dim distant days) there was nowhere to go. She is now very happy with someone else but she still says (only to me) that she doesn't think she'll ever love her current DP as much she loved my father. I don't hold that against her nor the accompanying issues that I have as a result. I very much doubt that your daughter would hold things against you and think you foolish.

You know that if you do go ahead and split it won't be easy but it will be better for you and your DD. You said on your other post that you think you're too old etc, etc. I don't believe this to be the case. You've shown that you're a loyal and caring partner. You've given more than many people would. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised once you start to get "yourself" back at how your perspective will change.

MollieO · 13/01/2010 17:32

Enduring something for 20 yrs is your baggage and it would be very unfair to burden your dd with it. Once she is an adult you can talk to her about it but anything sooner and you will just be continuing the cycle started by your mother.

emsyj · 13/01/2010 19:30

From another perspective.... My parents had a very unhappy marriage and finally split (thank goodness) when I was 18. I wish they'd done it sooner as their misery made me miserable for much of my childhood - it was not a happy home. Anyway, I spent 20 plus years (til I left home and then she met someone else) listening to my mother telling me what an arsehole my father was. I still don't know whether she is the reason that I hate him so much and will never know I suppose. It's very boring and tiring to listen to your mother whine about her failed relationship with your father and how badly she's been treated, especially when you're a child. I was (and still am a little I suppose) resentful that she burdened me with all of this and wish she'd been more grown up about it.
So, based on my experience, I would say have no conversations with your daughter about your relationship with your DP/exDP. It's not fair to her. Have those dicussions with a friend or a counsellor - they're not her issues.

emsyj · 13/01/2010 19:31

Oh, didn't answer the question, sorry - yes, fob her off indefinitely, never tell her. Why would she want to know? It's between you and him.

SingleMum01 · 13/01/2010 20:02

Newnamesameoldme - I split up with my ex when I found out he'd been cheating. I've never yet told my DS (7) the real reason why. He has asked and I told him daddy wasn't happy so he left. Recently he's started to ask why I don't love his dad any more and I've told him he wasn't very nice to me but haven't given him further details. However, I will if he asks when he's older as I do think he has a right to the truth.

However, I am instilling in him early on about treating girls well (he has a girlfriend!) and only having one girlfriend. So I'm hoping my experience will have the opposite effect on his life and he will make a good husband/father.

Sorry to talk about me, but I'm hoping that may help.

MumNWLondon · 13/01/2010 21:18

Fob her off now and don't speak badly of him so she can enjoy the relationship with him whilst she is a child.

However if she asks when she is older (16+?) when old enough to understand these things, tell her that he cheated (although no need to give details) and that she should never stay with a man who cheats on her as she deserves better.

Interesting point about not being married - although I understand not everyone feels the same I still think there is a value in being married and spending time in the run up to the wedding (and afterwards) thinking carefully about the promises you intend to keep. I think this applies even more so if you come from a "broken home".

Hedwood · 13/01/2010 22:17

Firstly, the fact you're leaving him will be really hard for her to understand - she won't care if he's a mass murderer, to her he is her dad. And that's it.

So no - basic answer is you don't tell her he's been cheating.

And if it is at all possible do not slag him off, she will remember.

BTW just because you have been really unlucky with your dad and your DH, doesn't mean she will be in her future relationships...

MumtoEliane · 13/01/2010 22:19

I agree in teaching her to be treated well, not yet probably as she is too young but later when she starts having boyfriends. Well, 6serious6 boyfriends after reading SM01's post

MumtoEliane · 13/01/2010 22:20

Sooooorry meant serious

DontPanicImRegular · 13/01/2010 22:34

What's wrong with a simple mummy and daddy aren't living together anymore. We both still love you.

It doesn't have to be complicated, and your dc's do not need to hear anything about the why's or where's.

Children are generally happy with as little disruption as possible, keep everything normal, and make daddy having a new home an adventure.