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Original poster

What do you do with toddler if giving birth to no2?

31 replies

Em32 · 03/07/2005 19:23

I've got a 16 1/2month old and am 32 weeks pregnant. We're moving house in a months time (not ideal but the only option). My father in law and his wife live nearby (ish) but are going on holiday for two weeks when I'm 38 weeks pregnant. So my question is what to do if I give birth before 40 weeks? My mum seems to think it is ok to take an 18 1/2 month old into hospital with us while I'm in labour (think she has a short memory of what that age is like) My husband won't consider a home birth as he is a doctor and terrified of the responsibility should anything go wrong. This is despite the fact that I had a 7 1/2 hour labour with no intervention whatsoever first time around. Any suggestions - I am feeling really stressed out as will be in a new place and won't know anyone. Thanks

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happymerryberries · 03/07/2005 19:27

And friends would could help? Someone with a child of a similar age?

vicdubya · 03/07/2005 19:30

I know this sounds awful but would you consider giving birth without dh there? How would he feel?

A delivery suite is not the place for a small toddler imo and what will dh do with him while you are in there? What if it's the middle of the night?

How close is any other person you would leave ds with? Can you have someone "on call" to drive to yours straight away and be there so dh can take you to the hospital, leave you & return ds to the person arriving, then return to hospital hopefully in time for the birth?

I don;t envy you it's difficult, I think I would rather go it alone & be happy knowing ds is settled with dh.

Original poster

Em32 · 03/07/2005 19:36

Have got friends but not ones who could help - no-one nearby except someone who has just given birth to no2 herself. Vicdubya - think I agree with you, but husband would be devastated to miss the birth. Despite the fact that he's not here half the time, when he is he is a devoted dad (he's practically evangelical about it) Might have to persuade him though....

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SoupDragon · 03/07/2005 19:37

IME, you make detailed plans on who will have them when and then you give birth on the one day you have no cover for and have to phone a friend in a panic at 7:30am.

janeybops · 03/07/2005 19:41

my mum came to stay with us as she lives 4 hours away.

OK but the poor thing ended up staying nearly a month! was told as the baby was big it would probably be early so got her to come earlier than I had planned....

baby was 2 weeks late so there was a lot of hanging around!

dinny · 03/07/2005 19:47

Em, I got a birth doula lined up, so if we couldn't get a friend down in time to look after dd, I would have someone with me at the birth while dh looked after dd. as it happened, it all worked out and dh was at the birth, but my primary concern was that dd wouldn't be upset or worried.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/07/2005 20:08

I'd say to DH, "home birth or miss the birth". But then, I'm mean. Is there anyone you know well who's had a good home birth and who can talk to him?

We had hoped for a home birth with DS2. When we decided to go to the hospital, we asked a neighbour to come in.

Oh, you could ask a local nanny agency for a referral to someone you could call?

WideWebWitch · 03/07/2005 20:15

Em32, if you do a search on home birth here you'll find some good threads, including some from women whose husbands weren't keen but came round in the end. I've had 2 home births and would recommend it and it might not be for you but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Can't your mum come and stay? I'd have thought hospital is NOT a good idea for an 18mo!

Aero · 03/07/2005 20:22

How do you feel about home birth? I had a wonderful home birth experience and dh was very nervous about thew whole thing, but in the end he felt it was the best one we've had as I was so much more at ease at home. (We have three children). Having said that, I fully appreciate that your dh feels the way he does. I used to work for a doctors' family and no matter how minor the illnesses of the children were from time to time, they were both very aware that these 'minor' symptoms can also be symptoms of major illnesses and so worried more that I would have iyswim! I thoroughly recommend home birth though. I had two midwives totally caring for me and not running off to deal with several other mothers in labour at the same time!

Original poster

Em32 · 03/07/2005 20:34

I feel ok about a home birth and would rather know ds was ok and settled than leave him with someone he didn't know very well. However, my husband flips out at the very mention of home birth, mentions things like the fact that he spent his gap year in Israel caring for severely handicapped children as a result of their being oxygen deprived at birth etc. My mum - well there's a sore point - she will go as far as babysitting for an evening but would never come and stay. She says she'd 'get fidgety and get in the way' Of course it is fine for us to go and stay with her. Also, she works full time in a fairly high flying job - given the level of support we got first time round we aren't expecting very much this time either (from any of our relations)

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geogteach · 03/07/2005 20:52

Have every sympathy with you my DH is a paed and won't even consider home birth for the same reasons as your DH - bit late for me now

Aero · 03/07/2005 20:52

Is there any chance of winning your dh round with this? You'll feel much happier knowing your ds is there with you and no need to get him a babysitter. Or could you be really firm with your mum and tell her you really need her and she won't get in the way - in fact she's be doing you the biggest favour she possibly could? And isn't this more important that her feeling twitchy?

Enid · 03/07/2005 20:53

do you have a trusted babysitter?

expatinscotland · 03/07/2005 20:55

Luckily, the ILs leave nearby and are taking DD when I go into labour w/no. 2.

saadia · 03/07/2005 21:10

Perhaps your dh and ds could stay at the hospital for part of your labour. When I went into hospital to have ds2, dh and ds1 came with me because ds1 would have screamed the place down if we had left him with either of his grandmas. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't ideal either. Since this is your second, and the first delivery wasn't too long or traumatic, you should hopefully be OK on your own if they have to leave.

Alternatively you look into finding a doula to be with you for the delivery?

mears · 03/07/2005 21:26

Em32 - it is highly likely you will not go into labour before 40 weeks because there isn't anyone to look after ds. Nature can be very clever you know. You will be so uptight while your mum is away it is unlikely you will go into labour.

Homebirth is not associated with any risk to baby by the way - quite the opposite in fact. Medical staff, especially paediatricians, don't know an awful lot about birth, especially normal ones believe me

madmarchhare · 03/07/2005 21:36

How far away does your mum live?

Heathcliffscathy · 03/07/2005 22:12

mears

Heathcliffscathy · 03/07/2005 22:15

you could do most of it at home and spend shortest time poss in hosp? i did 3 days at home and 4 hours in hosp then back home...

Original poster

Em32 · 04/07/2005 10:15

Madmarchhare - my mum lives in North West London, we will be in South West London. That isn't the problem so much as her willingness to do it and the fact that she'd have to (shock, horror) possibly miss some time at work to help.

Everyone - thanks for the support around home birth but with my dh it ain't going to happen. He is refusing point blank.....

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Nemo1977 · 04/07/2005 10:20

what about hiring a temporary nanny for while ur dad is away so that then when he returns[assuming he is willing] he can take over with potential child care?

SoftFroggie · 04/07/2005 10:32

How about your dad? IME, surprising people (my PIL's friends, in particular) were willing, indeed keen, to help out look after DS1 while we had DS2. We had a nice easy home birth for DS2 while DS1 went to PILs, but I wouldn't have wanted DS1 around for 2 reasons: I wouldn't have wanted him seeing the birth; and in the unlikely event that we transferred to hospital we'd then have to find something to do with him suddenly. And I would not have wanted to have a home birth with an unsupportive worried DH, even if his concern is based on irrational, unstatistical medical experience of problem births.

I'm sure mears is right, and your body will make it's all OK. But I'd want to ensure I had some cover just in case.

Rather than finding a doula to accompany you to the birth while DH looks after DD, I'd try to find emergency childcare to look after DD while DH accopanies you to the birth. Can you find a local CM able and willing to do emergency childcare? Perhaps a doula could look after DD, or suggest someone who can? or a local nanny - try nanny agencies if needed. I guess you'll have to pay a premium for the on-call aspect, but if PILs can help after 40 weeks, then you only need them to be on-call before that. You could agree an on-call fee, and then a fee if you do call her out, which (DV) shouldn't be for long.

ninah · 04/07/2005 10:36

I am worried about this too esp as no 2 due Christmas Day, and friends that might normally step in will be otherwise occupied
I am hoping my little sister can stay, and I've explained the situation to dad he just says 'I'll think about it' trouble is I was 2 weeks late with ds, so it could run into New Year which is almost as bad.

MizZan · 04/07/2005 11:04

Em, we are going to face exactly the same problem as we are moving to another city, where we know no one, when I'm going to be 25 weeks pregnant (later this month). DS1 is 3 1/2 so maybe not quite as much of a challenge as your little one, but still needs looking after. My mom, like yours, is completely unwilling to help, and mother-in-law is completely unable, and no other relatives around near enough to pitch in, and no friends there. Neighbours-to-be are elderly on one side, and students on the other, so no possibility there either.

We have no definite solution, but I'm thinking that we will try to get a "trusted babysitter" going as soon as we can when we move to the new city, so that there is someone used to DS and our house and his routines. Then, we just have to hope that she will be available when the time comes...We also thought of having an au pair for a few months so there would be someone actually living in the house who DS would be familiar with(yes, I know, there are many threads on here about au pairs not having sole charge of small kids but many have a year or more experience and if you can find one of these looking to extend her stay in England for a few months, could be just the ticket). We haven't completely ruled this out, but I think having just moved ourselves we may not be up for having a new person come to live-in full time right away.

Not sure if this helps but just wanted you to know you're not alone in this dilemma! Good luck. I am sure you will find a solution. Sometimes outside help is just the simplest - as long as you are not expecting someone to just pop up on the day itself and slot right in with no problems. And I would really second others on here as far as NOT bringing your little one along to the hospital...

Original poster

Em32 · 04/07/2005 11:13

Softfroggie - good idea, will try talking to CM when we move. Dad no good - lives in Cambridge.... Divorced parents both sides, nightmare.

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