Nobody seems to like my son

[2010aQuintessentialOdyssey]

It does not seem like he has kept the friendships he made shortly after moving here. Nobody rings our bell anymore asking for him. If we meet other children in the street, he tries to join, and sometimes they let him, but often it ends up in disaster, fights and upset, or they run away from him.
By now, he is trying too hard, and tries to be jokey, and they just look at him. His "best friend" is often rude and says horrid things to him. He is teased on the way home from school. Every day after school, during dinner his lips starts to quiver, and I ask how was his day. It has been horrid, nobody plays with him. He was teased on the way home from school by kids 2 years above him.

Today at football practice it was horrid to see how he was targeted as "the loser", some kids even high fived at NOT being on my sons team. Ok, he does not shine at football, but he wants to play. He is good at downhill skiing though. Despite this, other children say stuff like "oh, you have never been at a red run, you havent been to the top of the mountain, etc, and if he says he has they just look at him and go "yeah right".

I dont know how to help him.

I think you find the thing he shines at and make him the brightest star at it. The best thing for his confidence and then he won't be Tom who's rubbish at football, he'll be Tom who's brilliant at skiing. His confidence and friendships should grow from this.

Other things to check:

Is he different? Smaller? taller? posher? Clothing style etc? Does he try too hard? Is the school the best place for him?

How old is he?

and finally, it must be horrid to watch as his Mummy. I know when I have seen my ds ridiculed by others and he either doesn't really notice or has to stiff upper lip it all, it's far more heartbreaking to watch than be the victim yourself. Has your ds noticed?

Your poor DS, how horrible.

Can you speak to the adult who is in charge of the football practice? I don't think children should be allowed to get away with that sort of behaviour (I know you can't change their behaviour for them but a word about sportsmanship etc is surely in order)

can he join any other clubs where he is not known to these children and this may give him a chance to make new friends?

He is 7.
He is not too posh, but I think many children feel they need to prove themselves to be better than him. He is skiing at the same level as most of the other kids, but better than some. He has only been skiing for a year though, whereas the others mostly started at 4. They started crosscountry skiing at 2, so he is not so great at that compared to them. But he has learnt downhill skiing pretty quickly. He was born in London, we now live in the North of Norway. He is therefore bilingual. He startes school in London when he was 4, and had a head start in schooling, and whereas he is the youngest in year 2 here, he has finnished year 3 maths curriculum. He reads English and Norwegian with the same fluency, he is good academically.

He is really slender and slight. The other boys have a stronger build than him. He is also very "pretty", and the girls like his cute looks. He hates being called cute.

Kids seem to have a 'pack' mentality. actually, that's the attitude of many adults too, isn't it? Once someone has been identified as the 'weak' one (not saying your son is actually 'weak' just trying to explain the mentality) then the rest of the pack turn on them. It takes only one or 2 members of the pack to turn before the whole lot follow suit.

Does that make any sense?

Identify one or 2 other people who are not part of the main pack and work on developing friendships there. It seems (having been a bullied child myself) that when you are totally alone they are worse. When you have one or 2 friends, they seem to back off a bit.

I am aware I am not being very clear. The image I have in my mind is of a pack of wolves, if that helps explain it at all

Any other children that are a little out of the group that he can pair with? How does kids for tea work in Norway?

I did have a word with the football coach today, and he was going to keep an eye.
He is also doing tae kwon do, which he is better at, but he does not want to continue, as it is not as cool as football. He was playing tennis in London, but found this boring here. Besides, tennis lessons are on saturdays and this is not convenient for us. He also gave up on the violin, as it is not cool, despite being really good at it. Being cool is important to him.

I shall be watching this on behalf of my ds7 who is going through similar with a 'pack' in his year. He has one friend but seems to be singled out in the way that your ds is. On Friday he ran in crying because one of the charmers had snowballed him hard in the face on purpose.

Kids for tea is not as common as in the uk. Here the kids just go to play with their nearest neighbours rather than playdates. I have asked about inviting some other kids around, but he has been hesitant, as most of the kids he get on with, are also really pally with a boy who he really does NOT get on with.

Heget I do get what you say about a pack of wolves. None of the other children seem to have the confidence to speak up on behalf of my son, though I have heard them say it is unfair when the "headboys" are not around.

Yes, sadly that's common. They'd rather be with them than against them, in case they're next.

You say they don't do playdates, but could you be the exotic foreign family who do things differently? Being different can go 2 ways with kids, either they'll kick you all round the playground, or if you are different enough they'll fall over themselves trying to be friends with the cool foreign kid.

(Just trying to think 'outside the box' so to speak)

Or maybe plain old fashioned bribery? "Would X and Y like to come on a trip / to the park fora picnic / whatever with us?" He's then fun with a cool family??

And he should keep up the martial arts. If all else fails, at least the bullies know he can kick their arses!

Oh I wish that would work.... The kids here are not taken to the park. At his age, they go alone to the slopes, with their season tickets and some money in their pockets, and their mobile phones!

What we DO have is a 2x3 screen for watching movies on the projector! We also have access to bbc Iplayer! I could let him invite some friends for home cinema, popcorn and harry potter!

at 7? gosh. They're only babies! You never know the reaction you might get to that sort of way of doing things. They might love it.

Hve you talked to any of the other parents? Could you turn up with hot coco after the slopes? have everyone to yours for a UK tea?

I think you need to empower your ds, find his strength and let him know he makes you proud.

That sounds like a good idea! Movie night.

Movie night it is!!

Keep plugging on Quin. I have had similar anxieties with my DS. Your DS is, after all, a little 'different' in not being Norwegian, not having had all the same experiences up to now. The pack mentality is aware of this even if not at a conscious level. Sometimes you do need to try to manipulate things a bit and talk to the coach, the teachers, other parents perhaps. You might be surprised at their level of understanding. Sometimes you just have to give it time to let them all develop and get used to each other. l couldn't help wondering if there might be a little of defining your DS by what he can do and is good at/better than the others at. Being best at something doesn't always make you more likable! or happier. Just give him lots of cuddles and affirmations and that will feed into his self confidence more than any new lessons or skills. I am sure he would be a great little boy even if he sat on the couch and did nothing all day! Good luck. Inside, he is plotting his own path.

Thanks guys!
I just let him email a friend, inviting him for movie night. I also emailed friends mum. He was invited for Halloween party at this boys house, and thinking back, that was a rather small party, and my son felt privileged to have been invited. This boy is also at tae kwon do with him.

Feeling more positive now.

Ah, that's really nice. I love little MN moments like this.

boilin.. I hope you didn't read my posts as only a child who excels at something is likable? I just mean we all need something that we're good at, it makes us feel nice and the confidence from this can spread. My dcs are not best at anything and my 7/8 yr old struggles with friends not helped by the fact boys and girls stay very much apart and he loves the girls... he loves chatting, playing and annoying them as well as permanently having a huge crush on one or the other.

Quint, when I saw the thread title, it made me think of my ds2.
He had anger management problems which he has mostly learned to control. This combined with a 'pack attack' on him orchestrated by his former best friend. But kids are wary of him now, I think, because he gained a bad reputation during that year of bullying.
He is funny and clever and affectionate and exuberant and playful and sensitive. but he is the sort of child adults like more than other children. All my friends adore him
Last year - oddly when he was 7 - he had not one invite or playdate.
I arranged a couple for him which seemed to me to go well, but they were never reciprocated.
This year he has moved classes and has made two friends. And has made a best friend out of school too.
Such a small thing, such a HUGE acheivement....!

I just want you to know that things can change.

Agree Posie totally. Slightly was talking to myself as well. I know that the helicopter mother part of myself is constantly at work (specially at night) thinking of what new club / recreation / change in arrangements could be the answer to getting my own DS out there milling around with loads of other kids in some mythical ideal childhood sort of way, when I have to accept that perhaps he is someone who is a bit of a homeboy and if he wanted to be more sociable and 'out there' then he probably would create it himself.

Molly (tally ho and splitter me timbers there) Luckily ds has gotten over many of his anger issues. At the moment I think he just feels frustrated and unloved/unlikeable. He keeps saying he is an idiot, and a loser, etc. It breaks my heart. I would do anything to bolster him and build his confidence. Part of me wants him to give up on the football. I guess the other children can see what even I can see, he does not have a talent for it. Maybe he will get better, but he doesnt have a zeal for it, he rather do cartwheels during a match!

I am hoping nurturing other friendships will be good for him.