Nobody seems to like my son

[2010aQuintessentialOdyssey]

It does not seem like he has kept the friendships he made shortly after moving here. Nobody rings our bell anymore asking for him. If we meet other children in the street, he tries to join, and sometimes they let him, but often it ends up in disaster, fights and upset, or they run away from him.
By now, he is trying too hard, and tries to be jokey, and they just look at him. His "best friend" is often rude and says horrid things to him. He is teased on the way home from school. Every day after school, during dinner his lips starts to quiver, and I ask how was his day. It has been horrid, nobody plays with him. He was teased on the way home from school by kids 2 years above him.

Today at football practice it was horrid to see how he was targeted as "the loser", some kids even high fived at NOT being on my sons team. Ok, he does not shine at football, but he wants to play. He is good at downhill skiing though. Despite this, other children say stuff like "oh, you have never been at a red run, you havent been to the top of the mountain, etc, and if he says he has they just look at him and go "yeah right".

I dont know how to help him.

i would not worry
i would try not to anyway
7 is still very young...

my 6 soon 7 year old is far from mr popular but in a bizarre twist is too odd to notice which makes him a little immune to any pain iyswim

ds 1 who is now 17 was never mr popular. could never even look at a ball without running from it - young for the year and first born ( like your ds?) made him a little socially inept and clumsy in relationship terms

he muddled through mixing mostly with the slightly 'odd ball' types at primary much as dc 4 does

ds1 gradually found his niche - his cleverness and (similarly) pretty looks made him more respected than at primary level and (again sorry secondary school) but boys do not play ball sooo much so it does not unite to quite the degree

To be frank the other kids do not sound that nice,if a child of mine high fived in the way you describe he would be taken off the field and chastised....how dare they?/

I would concentrate on making ds proud of who and what he is and 'bollocks ' to them if they dont like him...

I find it so much easier with dc4 who is different like ds1 was - just because i can see how HUGELY it all changes and that a lot of this stuff has no bearing at all on later childhood...

ds1 as i have said was almost unpopular at primary - at secondary he was voted deputy head boy in an all boys school and this from a boy who has never kicked a ball unheard of!

I really feel for you but think from what you have put - it is your little boy who would be the well likes one amongst my boys!

I take heart from reading your post NotanOtter. Thank you. It is very reassuring to think to the future. You have in fact reminded me about my own childhood. I was not popular. I was not pretty either. Primary school was hard, secondary was better, but I started to flourish at 14 and became very popular. I also tried so many different sports.

I really sucked at football, and I think that maybe part of the reason I cringe when he plays, is that I see ME, the young QS out on the pitch, a bit scared of the ball, not running fast, seeing better players nearby, and instantly giving up. I dont know why I bothered, other than that the cool girls played football.
I moved onto Karate, and found real friends, and a real community at 14, started dating my instructor at 15 1/2 (oups) and made good friends of all ages.

Maybe it will be the same with him. And maybe like with your ds1, these years wont harm him, they might even be character building like I in hindsight think about my own childhood now.

I would absolutely speak to the school and the football club. There is no way they should be clapping each other when they are not on his team.

I have spoken to our football club before about the same kids (who are not great at football) always being in goal. The other kids make them feel so silly that they accept what is dished out. However, the person running the event should not allow this. The guy running the football was being lazy, I thought. It was easier for him to let the status quo run than to take charge and organise it. So I went and watched and shamed him into taking some more control. How on earth are they gonna get better if they are always in goal.

I know kids set their own rules a lot of the time, but if they are at an organised event then I expect the person running the event to be on top of it all. If they're not - I'll tell them, gently or more directly.

QS, I remember you posting about your ds a while back, sorry things have not got better....

It is really hard when a lot of boys in a class are into football - it can really take over and make the ones who are not good at it/not interested feel bad about themselves.

My ds1 (8) tried football briefly but got discouraged when the better players said mean things - I think often the coaches (here anyway) are quite young and not experienced at dealing with children and don't clamp down on this sort of thing (as a class teacher would eg)

Ds2 on the other hand probably will be good at football - and is also very popular. Ds1 said recently (rather wistfully) that he thought ds2 was the most popular boy in his class and that he didn't think he would ever be as popular . Breaks your heart...

But it is actually consoling to see how different the two boys are - at least it means it is not down to my parenting!

I would say that ds1 still doesn't have a close friend but at least he is not getting picked on like your ds....

The things I would try are:

For birthday outings (or if you want to get him together with friends after school) try something different that none of the boys are likely to have a lot of experience of - eg we have done bowling and it was very gratifying that the footballers were not the ones with the best scores! We have also done one where they did a bit of hockey first and then went in a soft play area ( the choice was between football or hockey and ds1 chose wisely!)

Really encourage him with the things he is good at - ds1 is a good swimmer and it was great for him that he was one of the first in his class to go in the deep end at school swimming. An outside school activity where he can make other friends is also good - we found Cubs worked for ds1. He doesn't see these boys apart from at Cubs but it is a start...and as they are all from our neighbourhood, hopefully some of them will go to the same secondary school.

Do the local boys follow the English football clubs? Ds1 suddenly started to ask if he could collect Match Attax - because everyone else was according to him! (will explain if you don't know what they are) - so now although he doesn't want to play football he can join in with conversations about matches, league tables, players, etc.

Have you got any games like Wii, Playstation? Boys here are really into them so it is a popular thing to do if they come around. Having a DS is also de rigour...

Re musical instruments, how about getting him to learn a "cool" one like guitar or drums?

Sorry this is a bit long but throwing all my ideas at you!