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Baby always cries when dad is holding her

35 replies

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 22:23

I am having a wee problem with my Dp and Dd. I didnt think there was a problem untill I searched on MN and found other such stories. DD is a generally calm and loving 10 week older

BUT

At the weekends when DP is "on duty"...she always and I mean always cries and cries when Daddy is near. It has got worse and worse over the 10 weeks and now DP is so deflated he dreads doing anythign with her. Which is making life really hard for me - as I feel he is rejecting her and regrettiing becoming a dad.

He finds it all achore and doesnt get any enjoyment back - I am tryign to really hard but I am wearing thin as its me me me...Im so tired I got shingles.

Please share any info of what you have been throigh or just strengthening words to help us get through this.

Thank you

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MavisEnderby · 09/01/2010 22:30

Poor dp.

Tell him it is nothing personal.

dp was terrified of the small babyness of babies and felt really awkward.I think it sort of transmitted itself to dd and she used to scream when dad held her.

Now dd is 4 and he and dd are thick as thieves and mum is just annoying,lol

Tell dh to persevere.LO is probably more used to mum,the fact she is the food source and her scent etc.

Soon they will bond totally.

Honestly,there is nothing like a Daddy for a little girl

MavisEnderby · 09/01/2010 22:32

To emphasise this,my dd has learning disabilities,and very poor speech, about her only clear word is DADDY

Fruitysunshine · 09/01/2010 22:36

Our DD(2) went through a phase of this for a few months and DH was finding it very difficult. He almost started to back off. However it changed almost over night - I don't know why - and now she is a daddy's girl and mummy is mrs bossy!! She always snuggles up to him if he is sitting down, runs upto his side of the bed in the morning and is always giving him kisses.

It will change as she gets older and her personality develops.

Good luck!

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tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 22:50

Thank you both for your responses - I know its late on saturday night but I am snatching a rare moment as DP is feeding DD.

I guess patience and persistence are key.

I really believe its to do with energy aswell MavisEnderby. I wish you and your family all the best for 2010.

Fruitysunshine I hope it changes over night for us too.

Its the fact that I hate nagging or dumping DD on him, but it feels the only weigh how I can get a minute break. I then get angry as she is crying and he doesnt know what to do - so I end up taking her back and being moody at him. From reading other posts tonight I feel I need to back off and support him more than before.

I guess i just feel like Im supporting everyone in my family but who is supporting me.

Sorry to gush - first time I have spoken out about this problem.

but will be soon

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Paleodad · 09/01/2010 22:53

Those first few weeks can be difficult for dads to build the bond I think, especially with BF babies, as they only really need mom at this stage. It does get better after 2 months or so when LO's begin to take more interest in the world around them and adopt that baby stare of utter amazement at everything and want to be talked to and interacted with.
I think it's important (as a dad) in the early stages to just do as much as you can; burping after feeds, changing as many nappies as possible, stealing them for the after-feed nap (while they're still in that milk stupor stage) and lettting them sleep on you so that begin to find your presence and 'smell' comforting.
I hope things get easier for you both!

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 22:55

Paleodad - my Dp finds all the baby chat hard and is a bit stuck for what to do...what advice would you give to me to help him...or should I back off and just let him find his feet.

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MavisEnderby · 09/01/2010 22:57

I think the thing is you are both facing the reality shock of having a new baby.DP and I were both fairly "old' parents when we had our first (ds) and I remember being so shellshocked.

I remember getting ds back from hospital,looking at dp and wailing "Oh my god what on earth do I do now???"

dd was our second and dop still had the heebie jeebies in the early stages.

It is the biggest ever lifeshock,I think,a new baby.

It WILL get better.

10 weeks in you are both sleep deprived and knackered.Save this post and come back to it in 6 months to a year and you will see how far you have come and how it gets easier (IN SOME WAYS,LOL)

It WILL get easier.Your dp will bond with dd.

10 weeks in is the depth of gloom iircTake heart,it gets better

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:01

Thank you for your words of support, I truly hope it gets better for him. i am enjoying evry moment I have with her, I would just like a little time to be able to do stuff for me, but find it hard as I am doing most stuff most of the time.
Moan over - and I defo will save it and come back to it...Its just lovely to know people are here to listen and help and that you are not alone as someone has probably gone through it before or is going through it right now.

Thank you for all your advice - please keep throwing pearls at me...xxx

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PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2010 23:08

It is very hard for men in the first few months, there is often little they can do, esp if baby is breastfed, but whether breast or bottle fed, the baby has gone from being in your womb, to being an extension of you right now, it takes time realise the world around them, for now they rely on their mamas until they become aware. DH said, with DD, and certainly true this time round too that he is the fetcher and carrier for me, and that is how he helps in the first few months. He now accepts this but he found it hard with DD.

However, he, and carried on being involved, cuddling even if she cried, (just not for long before passing back!) changed her nappies, talked to her, read her stories, even though he felt he got little if anything at all back and made sure he supported me so i was able to do what I needed to do.

Now, she is 3.5 they are absolutely the best of friends, and they have the most immense bond you can imagine. She adores him and has done for a very very long time. I would say, and Dh would probably agree, that from about 6 months he became much more hands on, and the bond flourished quickly from then. With DS now aged 6wks, DS mainly nomnomnoms his ears, face, neck, and then cries when nothing happens, and he gets either passed to me for feeding or into the rocker!

Tell your DP he absolutrely not alone, but to keep on doing things with her, even if he gets nothing but cries in return. As it will start the foundations for the bond that will come. If he backs away, when the time comes for the bond to develop visibly, he will need to start that process from scratch. It is happening now, he just cannot see it yet.

He also needs to keep being involved to give you a break, so you can rest too

TheCrackFox · 09/01/2010 23:08

Tell your partner that, for the majority of babies, their first word is Dadda.

The 10 week stage is hard as that is when the sleep deprivation/lack of money seems to kick in. It will get better.

How about Dp takes her out for a walk in the pram. Babies get so distracted they forget mummy isn't there.

MavisEnderby · 09/01/2010 23:11

The time will come back,for both of you

I think sometimes you just have to let daddy parent in different ways.I remember going back to work and coming home and being SOOO annoyed at dp for having dressed dd in a combination that was 1) Innappropriate for the weather,2)Having given her chocolate (OMG a mortal sin) ,3) Forgetting a nappy change so she was SODDEN.

what I had forgotten to see was that she and daddy were deliriously happy,and though it put my nose out of joint,even though daddy had done things differently to me she was still content

I think sometimes it is especially hard for blokes as they haven't had the bonding thing from having carried a baby,they need a bit of extra time for it to sink in

I would show your dp this thread.He isn't doing anything wrong,it is a bloody big lifechange

BertieBotts · 09/01/2010 23:15

If he is feeling nervous and/or doesn't quite know what to do with her, how about if he held her in a sling? I don't usually recommend baby bjorn/tomy/mothercare own brand type slings but they are very popular with Dads, and it takes away the awkwardness and she should be comfy in there and nice and close to the heartbeat etc.

Dads tend to have the advantage of a low voice - babies find the vibration of a man's voice soothing so if he talks (any old nonsense, or talking to you, or reading a book) or sings or hums to her she should find that soothing.

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:15

Pavlovthecat - i love the idea of him being a carrier, I will try and use that in a converstaion, and to also remind him that the more he does now the easier ti will be later..as you said to start from scratch would be harder.

and

thecrackfox - your spot on with lack of money and energy, its amazing how much babies take from you at this stage. Sadly the weather is so cold and icy I dont think he WANTS to take her out for a walk. I also feel like I am telling him what to do - so being the NAG that he hates..its a bit of a catch 22???

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tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:19

Mavisenderby - I was thinking the same about showing him the thread as I thought he may be tired of hearing me talk AT him and moan at him (not meaning to - just lack of compassion to anything but baby at the moment) - I will dither a bit longer about it. I mean well..just asking for advice!!

BertieBots - we have a sling we were given I may suggest that,I find DD always falls asleep in it - so may towards the next feed he could wander around with her.

WEhat about popping an item of clothing in her cot - so she gets to know his smell??? Is that madness...

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PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2010 23:27

Clothing is a good idea, not madness at all. I put my own t-shirt in DSs moses basket to try to settle him in there so a good idea to help your dd associate the smell with calm/sleep/being content.

Also, wrt the voice as mentioned already by bertiebotts DH used to read DD whatever book he was reading, he would just read a few lines, or a bit of the newspaper. It makes no difference to a 10 week old what 'story' it is!

Paleodad · 09/01/2010 23:27

When you say "back off", is your DP comfortable taking and holding your DD?
Please don't take offence, but i know from experience that there's nothing worse than being 'hovered' over when you're holding babies. Not that my DW ever did this, but my mother is terrible for it. As a result my dad, after 4 kids and now 4 grandchildren, cannot change a nappy is a bit uncomfortable with small babies (great with older kids!), partly i think because my mom always says "oh give him/her to me, oh you're terrible with babies" etc. (the other part is probably just laziness...).
She hovered a bit with me and our first DD a bit but soon backed off when i told her!
Whilst i'm sure you're not a 'hoverer', maybe your DP does feel a bit under pressure?
So i suppose that yes, i'd just leave him to it...
So,

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:30

I have tried the ide of him reading or talking about football just trying to get him to narrate a bit of nothingness to him - but its almost like he is scared/embarassed/unsure and she picks up on it.

I am going with the clothing idea tonight....I guess all will fix itself in time..

As usual I am dumbfounded by everyones kindess - so THANK YOU

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tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:36

paleodad = i think those are very wise words, I hope I dont hover but I know I am a bit of a perfectionist, I guess as she is our PFB i want everything to be prefect. In all honesty this is something I must address myself but I can see how it would add pressure to my DP.

I find it very hard to be near DP and DD when they are together as he does it so so differently and not wrong in anyway just HIS way..but everything inside me wants to say do it this way...which I promise to you I dont say unless it really is wrong or not safe!

I just realised I dont help the situation . I am going to work on me too...hopefully that will help him.

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PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2010 23:38

how about sitting with him and getting him to talk to you while he holds DD.

Have you tried going out and leaving him to it for half hour? I did that with DS this time, went to get DD from nursery when DS was about a week or 2 old, left him with DH, got distracted nattering with staff about her day, got back, baby was crying, DH was a bit what took you so long, but they both survived without my boobs for half hour .

The very fact that you are aware of it will mean you will get through this tough stage with lots of positives for your DD from mummy and from daddy as you will be trying.

Paleodad · 09/01/2010 23:40

Pavlov: Thats very true about the bonding process, in many ways dads are playing catchup for those first few months after the birth.
TBH, it was almost harder for me with our 2nd DC as, after having built such a lovely bond with our DD, i was surprised it just wasn't there automatically when DS was born. It made me realise, i think, how important the whole process is. I love him to bits now though!

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:43

Pavlovthe cat - i havent tried sitting together with ehr..I find its very much you hold her while i do this and vice versa, so thats a good idea and one I will try...

I have left them alone for a little bit, we are lucky as DD is an every 4hr feeder and sleeps 11-5 at night so I know her patterns and have left then together at "safe times". Dp look frazzled and DD was teary but they did survive and noone got hurt.

Right i feel mush more happier than I did when I came on earlier...lots of ideas and words of encouragement to take to bed with me...

Thank you all so much,

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PavlovtheCat · 09/01/2010 23:45

Good luck, it will be wonderful, these next few years for both of you as parents. It gets better and better. I hope you sleep well tonight. x

tiredbutlearning · 09/01/2010 23:49

Sleep well to you too...Thank and hopefully bump into you here again. Thank you for all your advice....dragged DP to bed for a cuddle!! another day down...

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MavisEnderby · 09/01/2010 23:53

TBL

10 weeks with both of mine was a nightmare for us both iirc.I was so tired I could die and dp waS at end of tether.

It gets better.

Even though no 2 is disabled things are easier

Both dcs are lovely (MOSTLY,THEY HAVE THEIR MOMENTS,LOL)

you are at a tired "Why the f did I do this" point,or at least your dp is.

Give him lots of praise for his input

Take care

tiredbutlearning · 10/01/2010 08:19

Thank you again - xxx

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