What does it mean to be a 'pushy parent' ?

[Pitchounette]

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Some children need extra classes to be happy, though - especially when school doesn't stimulate them enough. If it's about letting your child finding his/her personal equilibrium, that is not pushiness.

I disagree with sm.

Timetable of activities - how is swimming class (a safety thing in my eyes), tennis lessons, football and the like being pushy if the child ENJOYS it? One tennis lesson a week will not make one's child the next Federer, but it will allow them to know how to hit a ball, which is FUN! Football clubs, unless one knows personally enough boys to form 2 sides regularly, is not being pushy.

Tuition and extra classes - I don't do this with my children (and will only do so if they are truly struggling). However, there are some cases (I am not going to go into the cases, as I think most people know them, and it is truly dull to bring them up) where short term, focused tuition to reach a particular goal is not pushing beyond a child's ability, but helping one's child

...reach their potential.

(sorry, cut myself off)

pushy is inability to realistically see your on child range.it is permanent competitive haze and over estimation of abilities.

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key to pushy parent is bragging about all their endeavours for wee maximus

i have no problem with parental input,help with homework etc.in fact that is good. however buzzing around arse on fire constantly busy with outcome /goal directed interventions parents are annoying

but im not addressing you directly.with sn child you do have to be assertive for Ax,and interventions.that is completely different from middle class pushy aspirational parent just for sake of it

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I think it's only "pushy" when your child comes under pressure from what you offer. It's never pushy if you just ensure your child is getting plenty of opportunities for development in line with his/her potential.

There seems to be a much bigger problem with under than over stimulation of children, in a general sort of way.

Childhood shouldn't be about losing sleep or eating snatched meals in the car between after-school classes, but that is a pretty tiny minority compared to those who lead boring lives with nothing but TV and indoor toys for stimulation outside school.

Pitchounette - IMO, the behaviour that qualifies as "pushy parenting" will vary wildly according to the parental norms at your own DCs' school/your local community. In England, there are, sadly, huge achievement gaps even among very young children according to socio-economic group.

thing is pushy parents often lack insight.they appear not to know

LOL I think there is a hell of lot less insight among the less ambitious parents than among the ambitious ones!

I find it much easier to forgive overzealous parenting than lazy parenting. A much lesser crime. And, being surrounded by lots of ambitious parents, IME they quickly get feedback from their entourage about their more extreme demands on their children and scale back accordingly. And it so much easier to drop an after-school activity or two than for parents to acquire very basic skills that they haven't picked up by their 30s.

My DH is a private guitar teacher and I am going to show him this thread. he definitely finds European parents (and he teaches a lot because we have a european school locally) a fair bit "pushier" than their UK counterparts.

By this he would say they are much more involved in questioning his teaching methods, are generally very strict about practice and often will strongly encourage reluctant pupils to continue when DH has told them that their child's heart isn't really in it because they feel a musicical instrument is an important part of a rounded education. They generally will call and email him much more often to ask about progress.

sorry, it doesn't really answer your question OP but i thought I would throw these observations in.

twofalls - remember, though, that parents of children at European Schools are themselves significantly more educated than average and couples have usually got several degrees between them. Hence they are pretty ambitious sorts!

very true bonsoir, its problem not a very selective sample to base an assumption on!

that shold be probably, not problem!

• a parent who has an unrealistic perception of their child's ability eg believing they are far more intelligent than they are, and thinking everyone else ought to acknowledge it

• a superior sense of entitlement for their child - eg wanting them to have lead role in the school play

• often goes hand in hand with a parent who may be frustrated in their own life aspirations and achievements. They can sometimes try to push their child to do the things they didn't have the ability/confidence/drive to achieve themselves.

Starlight - if a range of professionals are backing you up, then it sounds highly likely you do not have an unrealistic perception of your child's abilities.

I was referring to parents who do have an unrealistic perception. Ones who believe they are more intelligent or talented in specific areas than the child genuinely is, and where there is a myriad of evidence to prove that.

And btw, I'm certainly not suggesting that the child in such a situation is unintelligent, or untalented, just that there is sometimes a big mismatch in what the parent perceives and what the reality is.

The saddest cases I've seen is where the child actually has a high level skill, or real talent in some other area which is totally overlooked because the parent is trying to push them in another direction eg a child who may be very talented at sports, but parent undervalues that, and overestimates in other areas.

Interesting thread.

I think it depends on your child too.

2 of my dc are twins pretty similar academically imho as an ex teacher. Twin 2 is a total swot the other a lazy arse. The swot pushes himself(and me) nags to do his homework. Twin 1 I have to chase round the house to find him to do said homework.

Now I DO feel Twin 1 needs to be pushed more at school as he would happily get away with doing buggar all,he's very clever at pulling the wool over teacher's eyes. I find he's less interested when bored so it's a spiral effect.

Soooo I have crossed over to the dark side and could officially be classed as a pushy parent. Do I care? No not a jot as I'm not prepared to see him waste a perfectly good brain.

We don't do music lessons,tutoring etc though. I also dread any of my dc having any kind of role in school plays the possibility (after the tongue pulling debacle) of deep humiliation for myself always being at the back of my mind.