My grandson could be going into foster care today. sorry vv long.

[kaylasmum]

Hi, i have 3 almost 4 yo grandson. He was unplanned and a bit of a shock to my dd who never appeared maternal at all. She decided to keep him and he was born premature at 32 weeks weighing 2lbs 8ozs. He fought to survive and it seemed that my dds maternal side was coming through. She had a very volatile relationship with her partner at the time and although he was'nt the baby's dad he was willing to take him on as his own.
Anyway my daughter started to struggle with her ds and by the time he was a year and a half she had started to smack him too much and shout and swear at him. Things escalated after my dd split with her dp. My grandson behaves atrociously around his mum, he hits her and shouts and roars at her. He also hits my ds (2) and dd (6) and is very aggressive towards them. When his mum is'nt around and we have him his behaviour is so much better.

In April of last year she really lost control of herself when her ds got her angry and smacked him very hard and put her hands around his throat. She called me and told me what had happened and asked me to call her hv and expalin what had happened.The result of this has been social work involvement and my grandson being put on the child protection register. Things have been monitored but there has been no improvement. My dd has mental health issues, not too sure exactly what they are but a mood disorder has been mentioned.She also has a problem with alcohol and does on occasion take drugs, cannabis and cocaine.

This week she had a breakdown at the nursery ans said that she could'nt cope with her ds. My x-dh was called an he agreed to take out grandson for a couple of nights as my dd was'nt in a fit state to look after him. Now we are waiting for a meeting with the social workers to determine whether he can go back to his mum or not but it does seem unlikely aand they are talking about foster care. I don't know what to do, ifeel that its up to me to take him. I don't want him going to complete strangers but don't know if i'll be able to cope with him. I also have mental health problems, depression and anxiety. also my relationship with my dp is'nt very strong at the best of times and i'm not sure if it could withhold this added pressure. There is also my 2 dcs to think of aswell. We are not financially stable either so not too sure if we could manage financially. I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel that if we do take him on then my relationship with my dd will change forever as i think i'll feel some resentment towards er.

You must do what you can.I cant imagine letting my dgs go into foster care but I dont have los of my own.Is there no other family member who could take the poor little boy?He must be so distressed and frightened.His behaviour is obviously caused by his treatment by your dd.Can your ex keep him longer?

SW always try to place within the family if it is possible. However, your ability to cope would be assessed before he was placed with you, so the decision may be taken out of your hands anyway.

You would be given support from the SW and you would be financially compensated, as a normal foster carer would be.

Have a word with SW before coming to any decsions. It is unlikely that he will be taken away and you will never see him again. My SIL is a foster carer and it is part of her job to try and maintain family relationships where that is possible.

Good luck and I hope you dd and her son get the support that they need to become a family again.

thank you both for your replies, obviously my gut instinct is to take my dgs in but i have to think of the implications on the rest of my family and my health. The same thing happened 11 years ago but it was my neices who were aged 22 months and 6. Their mother's dp had hit the little one quite severely and instead of standing by her dds she chose to be with him. I took them out of foster care, i had 3 dcs at that time aged 14,12 and 8. I agreed to take them on until something could be sorted out with their mother. Sadly it became too much for me to cope with after 9 months of looking after 5 kids in a 2 bedroomed flat and they had to back to their foster carers, who i have to add they got on very well with. This is when my depression started.

I feel that its my duty to take my dgs on bur i have to be sure that i'm able to cope.
Things are just so awful just now, waiting on social work to let us know if the meeting is going ahead today or not and my 2 yo ds is ill with a chest infection and my other ds (23) collapsed at the doctors this morning with a stomach bug. I'm only just managing to keep it together.

Dont take it on if you cant cope with it.
It wont help anyone.
If DGS is in foster care you will be able to have contact with him.
You can only do what you can do.

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Your duty is only to provide the care you feel are able to give. Please do not feel pressured to take on your GS if you know it will be too much for you to deal with, it will not help anyone, least of all your GS.

Can you ring the SW and ask her if you can meet for informal chat wrt how much support you would have should you decide to take in your GS? And please do be honest with them.

Would it make a difference if your dd moved back in wth her father for a while do think, with her ds? At least that way they would be monitored, although I don't know if SS would be happy with this. It's worth asking though.

Oh Kaylasmum what a horrific situation to be in.

I would speak to the social worker - to be honest I have no clue about matters of this nature (sure some wise mners will be coming along soon with good advice) but I think it must be valuable to speak to them and tell them how you are feeling as well.

To be honest with the way you are feeling at the moment perhaps it will be best for all concerned if he does go into foster care at least for the interim, to help you decide what to do.

It sounds as if you have always had a lot on your plate from a young age, and the depressins can't have helped. Poor you. I do hope that you can get through all this.

I'm really sorry to hear about what is happening, but trust me, if you let that little boy go into care, he will be lost forever. The care system today is not what is used to be and despite the fact that there are good foster homes out there, the statistics speak for themselves - I'm not going to harp on about it as I am sure that you know what I am talking about, hence your concern. Unless you think that this child is going to suffer abuse within your home, then I think you know what the right thing to do is. Children need attention and love, and above all to feel secure - and from the sounds of things, I think you can provide that....plus he would be able to maintain contact with his mother until she sorts herself out.

still waiting to hear whats going to happen. The social worker is going to my gs nursery this afternoon to discuss things with my dd. My x-dh has been asked to keep our gs for another night which he is going to do but he's losing time at work and won't be able to continue doing this.

shiny and new I don't think my dd moving in with her dad would be a good thing and don't really think the social work would be happy about it.

lumpasmelly i have to be very sure that i can cope and give the commitment needed to my gs before i can decide if i can take him on. The last thing i want is to lose him to the system, but i have to put my dcs needs first. What good would i be to them if i have mental breakdown in health because of the pressure.

I'm angry with my dd but still trying to support her. She's 25 yo so not a teenage mum.

I have a 4 year old boy.
You seem a lovely and caring woman, and my heart goes out to you for the position you and your family are in.

Your gs is probably acting out and hitting because this is what he is experienced with. Your dd being abused by volatile partner, and your dd in frustration and anguish taking it out on her little boy.

You know in your heart what you should do. This little boy needs his family, his uncles, his aunts and his grand parents to show him love and affection, and not some strangers. I think it would devastate his wee soul to be uprooted from EVERYTHING he knows and loves.

Maybe in a few years when your dd has her life back on track, he can move back. Meanwhile he can stay with you and still be in touch with his mum. Maybe they can learn to be together and have fun without all the frustration your dd is suffering in HER life at the moment.

I wish you luck.

Just wanted to give a different veiw of things. My friend is a foster carer, she is an excellent warm, loving foster carer who does it because she genuinely loves having more children to look after. In all the children she has looked after ( and soon have come from some truely horrific situations) social services try for ages to reunite families and do whatever that can to support the families with the aim of the child eventually returning to the family even if this may be a couple of years down the line.

Please do not think that if you don't take your dgs he will be lost in the care system forever. I trained as a social worker and believe me there is a lot of evidence that has to be collected (which takes months, sometimes years) before children will be permanently removed from a family with no chance of being reunited.

You can still have contact with your dgs whilst in foster care. You can still be supportive and work in conjunction with any foster carers to help maintain a familiar and stable environment for him.

If you don't feel that you would be able to cope please don't feel bad. You have enough with your own small children. Your dd and dgs will get support.

I have friends who are foster carers. Foster care isn't a black pit where children disappear and never see their families again. It might just be until she can cope again, or if there comes a time when you think you can.

I know several truely brilliant foster carers too. I'd trust them with my own children in an instant.

I fail how there can be bad foster carers nowadays, though I fully accpet that I could be wrong on this.

There was an incident with one of the families I know who foster. Obv with data protection I can't go into details, but even though the agency they foster through knew that the accusation made was a complete fabrication (t'was not sexual btw, much less sinister than that, had it been there own child it would not have been an issue) they were still suspended and there was a massive investiagtion with SS and the police both being involved. It was only when the boy realised the trouble he had caused and told the truth, apologised and even asked to be placed back with them that they were able to foster again.

SIL wants my DH to babysit his neice at her house one night later on, but because her foster child (15 yrs old doesn't need a babysitter) will be there, DH needs a full police check before he can be left alone in SILs house.

Foster carers have to juump through a lot hoops nowadays, and rightly so. But to me the scope for things going wrong is greatly reduced.

Though. yes I'll admit, it's not the ideal environment for children to be brought up in. The carers are v restircted on what discipline they can use, thus resulting in wild children.

Talk to the SW and find out if theres:

a)the possibility of him being placed with you but with additional support eg. day nursery placement or respite weekends with other carers

b)if he is placed with F/Carers then could you maybe have him for a couple of nights a week -a shared care package

Such a sad situation, especially as you say that his behaviour is so much better when you have him without his mother being around. However, if you have concerns about your own mental health then I agree then you probably need to focus upon getting yourself sorted out and perhaps putting in place some contingency measures for the protection of your remaining children, should you ever find yourself in the same situation as your daughter. Good luck!

Be honest about your situation and what your own capacity, needs and worries are. Think about what support you would need to take care of him, i.e. respite or similar; how much it would cost to keep him, and what you would need to make it work better than last time - i.e. a bigger flat? Maybe the SW will have some good suggestions for how these things could be worked out.

Of course you want to take him on in theory, but in real life things are not that straightforward. You won't be helping anyone - least of all yourself - if it tips the delicate balance of your family life as it is. I am sure you'll do the very best you can to help this little boy be happy and settled, with you or foster carers. Being part of his life on a regular basis is the key thing long term, whether or not he lives with you.

But right now the most important thing is to make sure he's not subjected to any more abuse.

lumpasmelly - i am deeply offended by your last post! I have 5 children and i have never harmed any of them. I also don't shout or swear at them. Just because i have anxiety and depression does'nt make me any less a parent than anyone else. My dc are the most important things in my life. As far as i'm concerned i'm a damn good parent. I have been "sorted out" as you put it. I have health anxiety and intermittent depression, almost always brought on by circumstances. I have had cbt and am feeling fine but even when i'm going through a bad spell i would never treat my dc the way myy dd does her son.

If can get support and help with my dgs then i possibly could manage but i have to be sure that i can.

I posted on here hoping for a little advice and support, not to be made to feel guilty and insulted!

Kaylasmum if you havent done already, please get in contact with www.frg.org.uk

They will help you work out what is best for you.

I am not anti foster carers at all (plan to do it myself when the time is right) but the system does not always support extended family.

It is possible that you will lose contact with your GS.

I have had depression over the years but we fostered (and then adopted) our Great nephew. You are right to be worried about the stress caring for a LAC can bring. Its not the kids, its the whole business of having to negotiate the system and deal with resentful birth parents etc.

That is why it is so important to be fully informed and properly supported. It makes all the difference.

I wouldnt have my little boy if it wasnt for Family Rights Group. It was their advice service and support that enabled me to fight my (and my boy's) corner with confidence.

This is a crap situtation to be in and very far from clear cut. I really sympathise having been in a similar situation (and knowing that I could be again one day).

Just thought i'd update, it has been decided that my dd can't have her ds back yet. I have'nt spoken to the sw yet but they are going to speak to me today. I think i've decided wht to do, i can't stand the thought of my dgs going into foster care so after speaking to sw today about what support and financial help i can expect then he'll be coming to me. They had foster carers lined up for this weekend about 12 miles from where we live and i did consider letting him go there until i managed to get things sorted out and until my ds was better but he's been through so much already.

I am going to ask if there is a possibility of respite maybe a couple of weekends a month. I'm worried that i'm not going to love him the same way i love my lo's but will make every effort to treat him exactly the same as them. I think the emotional side is going to be the hardest to deal with, his mum just lives 2 minutes away from, in fact we can see her house from mine. My dgs keeps asking his grandad when he can go home, its heartbreaking!

My dd came to see me after the meeting with sw yesterday and i was quite surprised at her lack of emotion. Eventually she broke down and i just did'nt know how best to comfort her. I have to admit that i am angry with her, she was given chance upon chance to get herself sorted out and she knew what the risks were but still things did'nt change.

SW said that this would be for weeks or months, it just depends on how quickly my dd can get herself sorted out. My main worry about taking him is that my dd will think that everything is fine because he's with me and that she'll not try hard enough to get him back. She has quite often in the past said to me " why don't you take him mum?", and then she says "i'm just joking".

Anyway i'm going to try my best for him and really hope that things will be resolved soon so that they can be reunited again.

chegirlsgotheartburn thanks for the link, will take a look at it.

I am glad that you managed to speak to social workers, and you are really to be admired for taking in the little boy, bearing in mind everything you have said.

It must be so hard for you to deal with your daughter living so close, as you say she has no real incentive to change her behaviour now that gs is living with you has she. What is she doing to try and amend her behaviour - is she off drugs for instance, is she having counselling and help? Not only have you got to look after gs (and your own kids!) you have also got to support your daughter as well.

I don;t think you should worry about not lovomg him the same as you do your own children - as much as you love him I think maybe that love for a grandchild is different from the love for your own kids. I am sure you will do the best by him.

I am hoping that you will get some help from ss, and some respite possibly.

I'm glad things are looking better for you even though he can't go back.
You sound much more positive in your last post and though the rational part of me read all this and could see why it would be so hard for you the other part of me was yelling take your grandson.
I'm sure you'll find the love for him easily and it will grow stonger as he settles down and isn't so much 'work'

Well done Kaylasmum. I'm sure you will do great for him. Hopefully your daughter will realise what she has lost and it will be the kick up the backside she needs to sort herself.

hi, thanks for your post.

My dd does'nt take drugs on a regular basis as far as i know. Its just that her friend has a bf that takes it quite regularly and my dd has told me that she finds it very hard to say no if she's offered it. We were at my dd's for new year and she had some friends round. One of the girls there i'd never met before but did'nt like her form the start. My dd went into her bedroom with this girl not long after she arrived and when i asked myy dd what she was doing she told me she was just talking. I did'nt think too much of it until i saw them both coming out of the bedroom later on and then i realised what was happening. When i confronted my dd she lied to me and sid she was'nt taking drugs but eventually she admitted it. I was so angry with her, her son and my 2 lo's were in the house.

Also when she was round last night she asked me for some cider, obviously i refused but she said she really needed a drink, I still refused. When the sw got involved 9 months ago she was given a phone number for the alcohol and drugs counsellors, she only called them this week. She was almost evicted form her house for non payment of rent and she has walked out of her job, she was on the verge of getting sacked. Her attendance was poor and they just could'nt give her any more chances. I know she has mental health problems but she can't use that as an excuse for everything. Don't know where this is all going to end up but its going to be tough and i just hope i'm strong enough to cope and that my lo's don't suffer in any way.

Have spoken to the sw this morning and explained that i've decided to look after my dgs. She said that there would have to be a kinship carers assessment. I'm surpprised by this, i thought they would be pleased that he was going to be looked after by family. I mentioned that i would need practical and financial support as i don't want this to have a negative effect on my dcs. She says that it could take 6 weeks to complete the assessment and that they would have to do a financial assessment. Does anyone know what this would entail and if it takes into consideration any savings that we have. In the meantime i will be looking after him and she said that she would look into any financial help that i can be given until things are sorted out.

I don't want it to seem that i have conditions on whether i can look after him but i have to make sure that in looking after my dgs my children don't suffer in any way.